Is this thing on? Can you hear me? Yeah? Good.
I’d just like to start by saying thanks to Judge Roberts. I heard what a lousy job you did on that Obamacare case so I wasn’t expecting much from you today. I figured you’d probably forget to bring your glasses or something. You know, typical low-energy behavior. But you were okay. So for now you’re not fired or anything. Now go sit down and try not to fall asleep or anything.
I guess it’s traditional to talk about all the good things I’m gonna do once I move into the White House. But I’m not gonna do that. I just spent the last year and a half telling you what I’m gonna do. If you didn’t hear me then you’re not gonna now.
What I am gonna do is tell all the losers who doubted me exactly what I think about them.
I’ll start with Hillary. First of all I just want to tell you that the only woman more fat and disgusting than you is Rosie O’Donnell. And I don’t have anything good to say about Bill or Chelsea either. The whole bunch of you are disgusting losers. And beating you in the election was great and truly fun. Now go back to your small sad smelly house and drop dead the two of you.
Okay, now for the republicans. You’re all a bunch of losers and I can’t believe you thought you could beat me. Low Energy Jeb, Pathological Ben, Little Marco, Scary Carly, Crazy Kasich and the rest of you other losers. I knew the American people would identify with the Trump brand. It is the best brand. All of you go back to whatever sad meaningless things you were doing before.
And as for you Lyin’ Ted, just be glad I let you be VP. Your job is to translate all this Constitution stuff and that conservative talk into something that fits on a Power Point slide deck. I don’t have a lot of time for theory. Just give me about twenty bullet points and line up those cheap suits over at the Senate to take their marching orders. And tell McConnell and Ryan that I’ll kick their asses if they don’t get this all done in January. I’ve got a trip to Cancun planned for Valentine’s Day with Mrs. Trump and I don’t want to be distracted. I don’t expect you to understand this but with a woman as hot as Melania you’ve got to be on your game on V-Day.
Now I have a message for all you government workers. You’re fired! That’s right. Everyone who works for the federal government, except for the soldiers, is officially fired. Anyone who wants to continue on as a temporary worker can stay for half pay. And that’s step one. Then I’m doing a top down and bottom up review and if someone can’t convince me that what you do is vital you better get your resume tuned up.
And for Megyn Kelly and the rest of the creeps in the Media and especially you morons at NBC you better wake up and pull your heads out of your asses. Because with all the ass-kicking I’m gonna be giving you from now on you’d end up with more brain damage.
And all you lazy bastards living on the dole, start looking for work. I’m cutting the cord for all of you. Lucky for you there’ll be plenty of work once I raise the tariff on chinese crap to 300%.
Well that’s all. Now get off the lawn. I’m late for a meeting with Fox. I have a new Reality show called White House Shenanigans. It’s a thirty minute format that just drips with class. No total nudity, just boobs. It’s gonna be huge.