Maddow: Good evening everyone and welcome to the first presidential debate. I’m Rachel Maddow and tonight we’re here at Smith College to hear Senator Sanders and Mr Trump debate each other and answer the questions the whole country is asking. The agreed to rules are simple. Each candidate has 2 minutes to answer the question. His opponent has 2 minutes to respond. The moderator may ask a follow-on question. If either candidate overruns his time or attempts to speak out of turn his chair will be energized with a moderate electric shock. And here are our candidates. Gentlemen, welcome.
Sanders: Rachel it’s good to be here among the good and thoughtful women of Smith College. I only hope that someday soon I’ll be able to liberate Smith from the cruel injustice of tuition and open the doors to everyone no matter how poor or stupid.
Trump: Hello Rachel. Still no make-up, I see. Tell those cheapskates at MSNBC to break down and spring for a make-up girl for God’s sake.
Maddow: Mr. Trump, I’m a lesbian and do not submit to the stereotypical ideas of female grooming.
Trump: Yeah, well even Rosie o’Donnell wore some make-up. I’m not saying it helped much but at least she tried.
Maddow: Let’s move on. First question is for Senator Sanders. Senator, if you are elected president what will be your first priority?
Sanders: Rachel, that’s a good question. My first priority upon entering the White House will be to restore good relations with the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has indicated that if I am elected he will be encouraged to accept all the food and ICBM shipments we can send in exchange for 11 percent fewer condemnations of America in the DPRK’s news stories. I forsee the day when America and the DPRK will have reversed places with respect to caloric intake and nuclear megatonnage. Only then will we be able walk down that long road of accepting the guilt for having been happy and prosperous for so long. Once we’ve experienced starvation on a national level and had a couple of cities obliterated by thermonuclear attack, then we’ll finally know how evil we’ve been and … OWWWW!!
Maddow: I’m sorry Senator but you’ve exceeded your time.
Sanders: Holy crap Rachel, that smarts!
Maddow: Mr. Trump, your answer or rebuttal.
Trump: Are you kidding me? What kind of freak show is this. I mean, come on! Look, the only reason me and the Nutty Professor over there are the candidates is because the Dems and Repubs were so completely brain-dead that they thought they could run Bush and Clinton again. So it doesn’t take a lot of smarts to know that I’m not the most qualified man for this job. I just happened to be willing to tell them that the Emperor had no clothes. But come on! This guy’s a raving lunatic. I’d as soon give Hannibal Lector a straight razor and ask him to give me a shave, as to let this guy control the nuclear stockpile. Look, for the good of the country, just load him up with some thorazine and cart him off to Bellevue. After this performance the only one nuts enough to vote for him will be the Occupy Mom’s Basement crowd. So shut off his mike and let’s call it a night.
Maddow: Mr. Trump you exceeded your time but you didn’t experience any electric shock?
Trump: Of course not. I’m not stupid. I just put on a wet suit under my Trump Collection suit. Many people think it’s Armani but it’s even better.
Maddow: Mr. Trump, if you leave now it will be viewed as a victory for Senator Sanders.
Trump: Rachel I knew you were odd but I didn’t think you were delusional. Look, if I don’t leave now people will think I’m as nuts as him. Anyway, do yourself a favor, don’t get in the elevator alone with that guy. He’s gonna go postal eventually, Don’t let it be with you.
Sanders: Hey I resent these remarks!
Trump: Shut up Bozo. You’ve had your say. Now go quietly with the orderlies and they won’t have to use the straitjacket.
Maddow: Good night from MSNBC.