Scene: Trump Headquarters, Election Day evening.
Donald Trump (DT) (Reclining back in his desk chair asleep and having a bad dream): No, no. I don’t want to eat the Supreme Court. Sotomayor is too greasy, Ginsburg is too stringy and Kagan is too bitter! No don’t force me to do it. Don’t suspend the first amendment! No, no, noooooo!
Melania Trump (MT) (bending over and shaking Trump): Wake up Schmoopy, you’re having the bad dream.
Mike Pence (MP): Mrs. Trump is he alright?
Chris Christie (CC): Yes, should we call an ambulance?
MT: No he sometimes has the bad dreams. They started after we went to the Clinton wedding. Very scary.
DT: Where am I? Did I eat them?
MP: Eat what?
DT: The Supreme Court broads.
MT: Why are you dreaming of having the oral sex with other women, you bad man?
DT: No, not have sex with them, tear them to pieces and wolf down their flesh.
MT: Oh, in that case it’s alright.
CC: Mr. Trump have you gone out of your mind? Why would you dream of such a thing?
DT: Because I’m a werewolf. Remember, after being bitten by a loup garou down in Louisiana after the flood, I became a werewolf and killed vampire Hillary Clinton during the debate and then during my first hundred days in office I was forced to eat the democrat members of Congress and the entire staff of the Departments of Education and Energy.
MP: But Mr. Trump it’s only election day and none of those things happened. Look at the TV screen on the wall. They’re showing Clinton Campaign Headquarters and there she is and surrounded by all those democrats.
DT: But you were there Mike and you were there Melania and you Chris. And I ate Hillary and Biden and him and him and him too! It all seemed so real and there were some meals that were really, really, gross but there were also some meals that were really, really good. Like when I ate Oprah, it was exactly like Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia.
CC: No Mr. Trump. All those people are still alive and you’ve been right here asleep.
DT: Well I’m glad I’m back because even though slaughtering your political opponents is very effective, it takes a terrible toll on your self-esteem and waistline. And that’s why every time they told me I had to solve one of these political problems by digestion I told them I just wanted to go home to Queens. And they sent me back and here I am. And I’ll never leave again.
MT: But Schmoopy, if you win tonight won’t you have to go to Washington the DC?
DT: No. I will sign an executive order making Queens the new capitol.
MP: But Mr. Trump, all the federal personnel are in D.C. The government won’t be able to enact business for years if you move the capitol.
DT: That’s a feature Mike, not a bug.
MP: Mr. Trump, that’s brilliant. Without access to the presidency these bureaucrats won’t be able to spend money half as fast as they do now. I should have thought of it with my brain,
MT: And I should have felt it with my heart.
CC: And I should have sensed it with my courageous political instinct.
DT: Whatever. Just give me a few minutes to wake up and I’ll join everyone at the main screen. But have someone send out for a snack. I’m ravenous. Better make it ice cream and put on the Oxygen Network during dinner.