Donald Trump (DT): Pence! Where the hell have you gone now! Will you get in here? I need your so-called opinion.
Mike Pence (MP): I’m right here Mr. Trump. I was just on the phone with George Stephanopoulos. He wanted to know if you were sorry for your history of hate speech against a metabolically challenged member of the LGBTQ community.
DT: What? Who the hell is he talking about?
MP: I think he was talking about Rosie O’Donnell.
DT: You can tell that muppet troll of a fake journalist that he can kiss my ass. Now come on. We have work to do.
MP: How can I help?
DT: I don’t like these picks we’re getting for the Cabinet. These guys are all old and boring. I mean Romney? We need someone tough and smart.
MP: Well, sir, what qualification would you rate as most important; confirmability, expertise, loyalty?
MP: Excuse me?
DT: I want somebody who’s not afraid to tell the Press or Congress or the Europeans to pound sand when they start whining.
MP: Mr. Trump, I don’t think you understand the art of compromise.
DT: I don’t do compromise. I fight. I get what I want by knowing what the other guy will and won’t do. That’s the kind of men I want working for me.
MP: Could you give me some examples of this type of man?
DT: Of course. The history books are full of them. Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, Alexander the Great, Napoleon. All my heroes.
MP: Sir, those are brutal conquerors. They hardly reflect the American spirit.
DT: Fine. How about George Washington, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, George E. Patton, Robert E. Lee? They were Americans, weren’t they?
MP: Yes, but those are wartime leaders. We’re at peace.
DT: Bull! We’ve been at war in this country for over a hundred years with the communists. I need men who know how to fight.
MP: Nevertheless, I don’t think men of that caliber exist today. Where could you find them?
DT: Pence, did your mother ever give birth to any children that lived? The military of course. All those high-ranking officers that Obama fired for not kowtowing to the LGBTQ mafia. They’ll be perfect.
MP: Mr. Trump, that’s brilliant! I’ll get right on it.
DT: Ding, ding, ding. Finally, you hear. Hey, do me a favor. See what you can do about returning the name to War Department. I think that kind of rebranding will attract the right kind of recruit.
MP: Yes, sir.
DT: And find out if I can transfer the Corporation for Public Broadcasting into the Army. I have this idea about having Big Bird court-martialed and hanged for treason.
MP: Uhhh, okay?