(Scene 1: Outside the White House Press Conference Room)
President Trump (PT): – Hey Smith, how’s it going today?
Secret Service Agent Smith (AS): – Very well, Mr. President.
PT: – What’s next on the torture chamber assembly line?
AS: – Sir, the reporters are assembled for their 3pm disembowelment.
PT: – Hey Smith, that’s actually funny. I thought you weren’t allowed to have a sense of humor.
AS: – If the room is empty sir, and we’re at ease, I can be reasonably at ease.
PT: – Good, this job is worse than TV sometimes. It’s nice to be myself with an actual human being sometimes.
AS: – Well, I consider myself almost human most of the times.
PT: – Compared to those vampires in the press room, you’re a regular saint.
AS: – That’s a pretty low bar to jump sir.
PT: – True.
AS: – Mr. President, can I ask you a question about these press conferences?
PT: – I guess. What do you want to know.
AS: – Well, if I had to talk with those batshit vermin I’d probably pitch a few of them out a window. How do you keep from walking out on that pack of imbeciles?
PT: – Smith, let me guess. You’re retired military?
AS: – Marines, Iraq, three tours.
PT: – So you know what your enemy looks like and you know how to engage him.
AS: – Yes sir.
PT: – Well, those reporters are my enemy and this how I engage. In fact, it’s sort of like when you guys rolled through Baghdad, not even a close match. And to be totally honest I enjoy pummeling these losers almost as much as I enjoyed kicking Hillary’s ass in the election.
AS: – Well, I guess there are all kinds of different skills out there. But yours is certainly strange to me.
PT: – I dunno. I think we’re both trying to get a job done. This country is under attack on all sides. You guys in the military have a pretty clear cut job. But terrorists aren’t the only enemy. The progressives are trying to dismantle our way of life. And if a big city boy like me sees it then it’s not something at the fringe. I’ve seen stuff like this becoming more and more of an impediment to business, culture and even personal life. The republicans aren’t up to stopping it. Hell, some of them are part of it. So what you need is someone willing to take the fight to them. And if I do say so myself, I really know how to cut these dimwits off at the knees. And, God help me, I really do enjoy it.
AS: – Well, fair enough. If that’s your bread and butter, then more power to you. But tell me one other thing. Why hasn’t anybody else been able to do this before you?
PT: – Because, they’re amateurs. These guys couldn’t sell a life preserver to a drowning man. They think the good guys win automatically. I’m hoping to start teaching some of the better ones how to get things done. But for now I’ll be running this circus. My next trick is gonna be building a public voice to force the democrat senators up for re-election in 2018 to support the platform the people want.
AS: – Sounds like you’ve got things well in hand.
PT: – Oh, hell no. This thing is a flying circus and every five minutes it starts spinning out of control again. But I don’t know any other way to get these things done.
AS: – Well, good luck today Mr. President. I hope you have a successful campaign.
PT: – Thanks Smith.
(Scene 2 – Later inside the Conference Room, President Trump is at the podium)
PT: – Alright, I think there’s time for one more question.
Reporter (RPT): – Mr. President, I’m Rash Partisan for CNN. My question is, since it’s going to take you two years to build your wall how will you prevent the “bad hombres” from doing whatever the hell they want until then?
PT: – Short term, I’d say about a dozen attack copters will handle any really major force of narcotraficantes or other bad actors we have to deal with.
RPT: – That’s not legal, that’s a war crime.
PT: – Yeah, sure. Do me a favor. Here’s a quarter, call someone who cares. Alright, that concludes our press conference. Now get the hell out of here. We’ve got work to do.