(Monday, 6am, White House West Wing)
President Trump (PT) – Schmoopy! Schmoopy! Where are you Schmoopy I need to talk to you.
Melania Trump (MT) – Schmoopy, calm down, I’m right here!
PT – Schmoopy, I need your help.
MT – Of course you do Schmoopy. What do you want.
PT – The Republicans in Congress are complete tools and can’t get out of their own way. I need someone persuasive to get my agenda done for me. I want you to convince the Democrats to sign off on my agenda.
MT – How can I do that? I am not the ambassador. I am the First Lady. My job is to smile and be friendly to the ugly people you have to work with. How can I make them do the things you want them to do?
PT – Because you are a hot babe and these congressmen are geeks. If you smile at them they would walk through fire for you. They are total losers. And don’t call them ugly it hurts their feelings, I think.
MT – Is this the true thing?
PT – It is the true thing.
MT – Okay what do you want from these congress geeks?
PT – I want them to approve the Trump Care Bill.
MT – If I do this then you will stop crying like the baby?
PT – I don’t cry like a baby. I’m just tired of all the jerks who don’t listen to me. Well, while you’re there can you also get them to approve Justice Gorsuch for the Supreme Court?
MT – Okay. Anything else?
PT – Uhhh… Can you get them to approve the new budget?
MT – Okay. Schmoopy, let us cut to the chasing and get from you the whole list? I am the busy woman.
PT – Sure, sure Schmoopy, I’ll have Ryan or Pence or one of those other wonks put something together right away. Basically, it’s called “The First One Hundred Day Plan. It’s the secret of every successful presidency. All the important things get done in the first 100 days. After that it’s just coasting. If you get all this stuff done now, I can go on vacation for the next three and a half years.
MT – Oh Schmoopy that would be so nice I could spend the time redecorating the White House. That picture of Hillary is frightening Barron. I will replace it with the Where’s Waldo picture he likes.
Are you sure you can get all this done? We only have another few weeks left.
MT – Weeks? Oh Schmoopy, I was planning on getting it done this afternoon. I have a quick trip to Queens this morning. I need to pick up those lamb chops you like at the butcher’s and I need to meet Ivanka at Trump Tower to get our nails done, but then I will go to the Congress and tell them to do this list. I will meet you tonight for the lambs chops and rice for supper.
PT – Schmoopy, that would be great. But be careful, the Congress is full of skunks. They’re mostly jerks.
(Later that day in the House of Representatives)
MT – Attention congress guys. I am your First Lady and I must speak with all of you. Please pay attention because this is very important and I have not much time. I must get that Where’s Waldo picture up before Barron gets home. The Hillary picture is very scary. I have a list of things that you must do for Schmoopy, I mean Mr. President, your boss. Mr. President has told me that you do not want to do these things and you cannot be fired right away. But that does not mean that you will not suffer. Mr. President is very loud and he will yell at you and he will do the tweet and you will be very sad. And it is good that you do as he says. He is very smart and has the billions which make him even smarter and more handsome. And you want to do what I say because I am very pretty and you all are very homely. I say homely and not ugly because that would make you feel bad. And if you listen to me you will be happy and not sad like when you listen to the Pelosi who is very scary and has the bulgey eyes that look like popping out. She is very old and wrinkly and sounds like a crow and I think she might be crazy because she thinks Schmoopy’s name is Bush, the brother of low energy Jeb. Also, if you do these things for Mr. President he will like you and give you the cuff links and the autographed deal art book which is very smart because he wrote it. And even more important, you will keep your jobs and not go to jail. Mr. President says you are all crooks and he wants to fire you and jail you and yell at you. So, don’t say no but say yes instead and be happy and not sad.
And you congress girls I want you to listen too. Do what I say and I will tell you the name of the girl who does my nails in Trump Tower. And when you look a little better Mr. President will invite you and the homely men to the barbecue at the White House. Then you will wear the push-up bra and look less homely and you can try to get the homely congress guys to marry you and let you quit the congress and stay home with the babies. That way you won’t end up like the Pelosi who looks like the crazy witch or Hillary who was lost in the woods or Rosie who even scares the lesbians a little bit. Now get to work and I will wait another fifteen minutes and you will be done and then I will go home to Schmoopy and tell him not to fire you all later with the electing.
(An hour later back at the West Wing)
MT – Hello Schmoopy I am back.
PT – Schmoopy you did it!
MT – Yes, the list is done. Except the lamb chops were not fresh enough so I got veal.
PT – Well that is kind of a let-down. But don’t worry. I forgive you.
MT – Thank you Schmoopy. You are the good man.