Lycra Spandexy (LS) – Oh Shmoe-meo, Shmoe-meo, wherefore art thou Shmoe-meo?
Morning Shmoe (MS) – I’m right here at the teleprompter and it’s 37 seconds past the quarter hour my dear Lycra.
LS – Oh, Shmoe-meo renounce thy father’s name, for I refuse to become Lycra Spandexy-Browfurrowed. A girl can only endure so much. You’re a modern metrosexual man. Take Spandexy as your last name. Shmoe Spandexy has a kind of alliterative magic to it.
MS – Sure baby, a rose by any other name would blah, blah, blah. Just as long as we tie the knot before Chris Cashews is on the show again. He’s getting that tingle up his leg again and I don’t think either one of us is safe alone with him during commercial breaks.
LS – Wow, that’s grim. Okay I am sold oh Shmoe-meo. I’ll make the announcement on-air and the joyous huzzahs will resound around the set.
MS – Uh, yeah sure. And three, two, one!
LS – And we’re back. During the break, Morning Shmoe agreed to become my husband and equal partner for life.
MS – You said it toots.
LS – And since we’re both delirious with joy, we wanted our audience to be the first to know.
MS – And since this is the network that never stops pushing, we’re going to turn today’s show into a forum devoted to giving us the best advice for our life together. Lycra, who do we have scheduled for the panel?
LS – First up is our very own Snarkful Sadclown. And who better than an androgynous lesbian to help me pick out my wedding dress?
Snarkful Sadclown (SS) – Well, Lycra, if you really intend to degrade your body by becoming a walking biological function and a chattel handmaiden for the patriarchy, the least I can do is make sure you arrive in comfortable loafers and a sensible pantsuit from the Hillary Collection.
LS – But Mommy and Daddy said I’d look like a princess!
SS – This ain’t your Mommy’s network Princess. And I’d recommend a number two buzzcut for the hairstyle. That’s right, this is real, you aren’t dreaming, this your life.
LS – Why do you keep saying that?
SS – You-Tube said it gets clicks.
MS – Next up is noted gender studies authority and NY Times bestselling author of, “Painful Changes, Wardrobe Choices,” Dave-Sue Haddgonadds. Good morning Dr. Haddgonadds. Am I pronouncing that correctly?
Dave-Sue Haddgonadds (DSH) – The dees are silent, you silly man.
MS – My apologies. Dr., what can I learn from you to make my marriage more fulfilling?
DSH – First of all, Shmoe, be aware that even contemplating yet another marriage between white, heterosexual, cis-gendered people is a crime against all LGBTQ and people of color. You are transgressing against the gorgeous mosaic that is the American life of today. It is vibrant, it is diverse and it will not be flouted by your retrogressive, hate-filled choices.
LS – Yes but we are white, heterosexual, cis-gendered people.
DSH – That’s no excuse. Nowadays, options in transgender hormone therapy and transformative surgery allow any number of alternative body choices. For instance, Shmoe, I envision you as a five foot three inch tall black woman with a penchant for shall we say alimentary amorous pursuits.
MS – Five foot three?
DSH – Yes Dr. Farber is a virtuoso with the bone saw.
MS – I’m not sure I’m comfortable with the idea of gender reassignment surgery.
DSH – No problem. There’s no pressure whatsoever. Our motto is “If you like your genitalia you can keep your genitalia.”
MS – Somehow, that’s less than totally reassuring.
DSH – And you, Lycra, would be just a stunning creature at 6’ 3’’with a Douglas Fairbanks Jr. mustache and a Heidelberg scar.
LS – But I want to be a princess!
DSH – Fine. We’ll compromise You can be bi-sexual. See I’m willing to meet you half way.
MS – Dr., I hope during the break we can find some common ground on our vision of married life but first let me introduce our next panelist. He’s the greatest living authority on pre-nuptial agreements Tad Litigious. Good morning Counselor, am I pronouncing that correctly?
Tad Litigious (TL) – No, Shmoe, the vee is silent.
MS – But there is no vee.
TL – That’s why it’s silent.
MS – Okay, Tad, what do I need to know about the legal aspects of marriage.
TL – Well, first off Shmoe, you’re gonna need an ironclad pre-nup before you sign up for this rodeo.
MS – Why? Lycra and I are modern people with deep empathy for each other and compatible views on life and social responsibility. I respect her as a strong independent woman and I embrace her life choices both personally and professionally.
TL – Sure you do Poindexter. But listen to Uncle Tad for a minute and I’ll set you straight on a couple of items. So, you two are on the same wavelength and believe in all the same touchy-feely talking points. Super-duper. But let’s look about five years down the road. By then little blondie over there is just a skosh less perky here and there and your network will be replacing her with the twinkie du jure. Now based on what I’ve heard from the two of you, Little Miss Muffet over there isn’t going to go into the baby raising business for you. She’s gonna shop her act around the networks and she’ll end up parked on the Home Shopping Network with the rest of the over the hill bimbos and probably putting down about a pint of gin every a.m. before curtain. My guess is you’re the kind of old boy who’ll find the twinkie du jure sort of interesting and with one thing following another, I’m guessing you’ll be calling me up and handing me a seven-figure retainer to help you switch around Mrs. Browfurroweds. Now, if you don’t have a pre-nup in place, she’ll get 85% of your stuff. If you have one she’ll get 55%. So, it’s your call. I get paid either way.
MS – Well Tad, that all seems very unlikely, (sotto voce) call me later.
LS – Hey I heard that!
MS – Well that’s all the time we have, but I just want all our guests to know that we valued their advice and with any luck at all we will have a full and happy life as man and wife. Or as something and something and for some reasonable length of time. But for me and Lycra…
LS – Up yours Shmoe!
MS – Here’s to a happy and progressive today.