Trump vs The F.B.I.

Scene 1 (White House, Oval Office)

President Trump (PT) – Look Jeff, I’m glad that Comey is finally out of there but you’ve got to clean out that nest of bozos over there right away.  I’ve got to have the FBI doing some real work.  Between the narcotraficantes and the street gangs Americans are losing faith in the government.

Jeff Sessions (JS) – Mr. President, we’re firing and reorganizing as quickly as we can but there are just so many Obama plants in the FBI that it’s like trying to swat a cloud of mosquitoes.  You’re still gonna get bit.

PT – That bad?  How many useful agents are there?

JS – I’d say about 40%.  And there’s just no easy way to segregate the good from the bad effectively enough to control the problems.  When we restrict the classified clearance of the known bad actors they jump on someone else’s computer and steal info off the database when they get a chance.  And how can you stop that?  It’s hard to tell one guy in a cheap suit and a bad haircut from another.

PT – Never disparage a guy in a cheap suit and a bad haircut.  He could be the next Commander in Chief.

JS – No offense intended sir.

PT – And none perceived.

JS – Exactly.

PT – Well, Jeff, something’s gotta give.  I’ll discuss this with my highest counsel and get back to you.

JS – Ivanka?

PT – No, Schmoopy.

Scene 2 (White House, West Wing)

PT – Hello Schmoopy.

Melania Trump (MT) – Hello Schmoopy.  Why do you have on the sad face?

PT – Because the FBI is full of bozos.

MT – Schmoopy, what is the bozos?

PT – A bozo is a clown.

MT – But the bozos should make you smile and laugh.  Do they wear the funny face and the big shoes?

PT – No they wear the cheap suit and the bad haircut.

MT – Well that is the problem.  I never laugh at the cheap suit and the bad haircut.  It is not funny but very sad.  Why do you not make them wear the bozo suit?

PT – Because no one would put up with that.  He’d quit first.

MT – Would that be so bad.

PT – No Schmoopy.  That would be kinda good.  Thanks.

MT – That reminds me, I’ve got to bring in the tailor and the barber for you.  We must look our best Schmoopy.

 

Scene 3 (FBI Headquarters – Jeff Sessions addressing the Executive Leadership of the FBI divisions)

JS – President Trump has formulated a strategy to streamline and optimize the reorganization of the Bureau.  Effective immediately the organization will be divided into two groupings.  The new division will start out essentially empty.  It will contain a new director whom I will select and an administrative staff. This division will be augmented by any of the existing personnel of the Bureau who can be reliably vetted as effective agents.  This new division will be designated the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Agent Smith (AG) – Mr. Sessions, won’t the other division still be called the FBI.

JS – Yes, it will in fact be called the FBI.  This older grouping will start out with all the personnel of the current Bureau.  It will be up to the rank and file to facilitate their transfer to the new organization.  They can do this by telling us where the “bodies are buried.”

AG – Why exactly would we want to leave our present positions?  We have a pretty good organization and we like the way things are done now.

JS – Well, there are some changes coming down the pike.  For one we’re changing the dress code.  Here is a visual on the standard attire that will be expected starting Monday.  Of course, some variation will be accommodated for gender and ethnic considerations but essentially this is your new look.

AG – Sir, that’s a photo of Bozo the Clown.

JS – Yes, the beloved Icon of the 1960s and ‘70s.  You all will don the face paint, big red squeaky nose, orange hair tufts, size twenty shoes and colorful puffy jumpsuit of Bozo.  This will incentivize you to consider helping us clean out the rat’s nest of Obama bitter clingers and fifth columnists.  Also, it will allow us to easily monitor your proximity around sensitive information and systems.  Standard operating procedure will be to check for clowns before leaving your work station unattended even for a second.  And on your official government identification badge will be emblazoned your new department name FBI – Feckless Bozos of Imbecility.

AG – You paint a vivid picture Mr. Sessions.

JS – We want to make this decision as clear as we possibly can.  You will stay in your present structure under the new arrangement.  You will be assigned duties that include Saturday Morning Children’s Television and outreach to pediatric hospital wards.  Classes in juggling and seltzer squirting marksmanship will be mandatory.  This will go on until either:

  • You show us you can work for the country instead of against it.
  • We find out you were involved in the leaks.
  • You resign.

AG – Go to hell Sessions.

JS – Ah, ah ah!  That’s a Bozo no-no!

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