Morning Shmoe (MS) – Welcome back from that commercial break and it’s 13 and 1/8th minutes after the quarter hour and we’re here at the newly refurbished set of the Morning Shmoe Show. And Lycra Spandexy and I were just saying how much better it is to be us, young and in love and not old and racist like President Trump.
Lycra Spandexy (LS) – Yes, he’s a creep with small hands and bad hair. He’s not beautiful like me. I am still very, very young and don’t need a facelift and would never get one and besides it’s called a dermatological procedure and everyone gets them because they’re young and not because they need them.
MS – That’s right sweety. But this is not about us. It’s about this very bad man.
LS – Yes, he’s a very bad man. And there was no blood and he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
MS – Okay honey, let’s move on. So, as you all know we’re deeply in love and being together here on the show and also constantly morning, noon and night, all day every day is great. We never tire of each other’s company and we do everything together. Every single blessed thing. …. And it’s great! Really, really, really … great.
LS – Yes, and I tell Shmoe every little thing that pops into my head. Like yesterday when the girl doing my nails told me that I had a cold sore on my lip and I said it was a white-head and she said it was herpes and I told her that my dermatologist told me that you can tell if it’s herpes because you get that tingling feeling ahead of time and then you use the Abreva and then it’s a lot less icky and nobody can notice it under the make-up on the show and I don’t have to go on assignment for a week and that’s really great and I told her that it was a white-head and I knew that because it looked like a white-head and I popped it with a pin and squeezed out the puss and then it hurt but not much and it looks like it will heal without a scab that’s noticeable so I won’t have to go on assignment for a week. And Shmoe was so interested while he sat there listening and drinking that scotch without the water and I asked him if he wanted some water but he just kept filling up that tumbler and I said, “Boy that’s a lot of scotch and he just kept smiling and nodding his head and it was great.”
MS – Yeah that was great. Really, really, really … great.
LS – But Producer Jorge says we have a caller on the line. Hello caller, you’re on the Morning Shmoe Show. What would you like to say?
President Trump (PT) – Hello Lycra, it’s me President Trump. I was told by some of my friends who are forced to watch terrible shows like yours for a living about the nasty things you’ve been saying about me. I figured I’d call up and set the record straight.
MS – Trump, you’ve got a lot of nerve calling us up and invading our safe space. But we’re not scared of you and we won’t be intimidated by your bullying.
PT – I won’t need to bully you, I only want to ask you one question.
MS – What’s that?
PT – Did the network force you to marry her for ratings? Because if not then I don’t get it. I mean to have to listen to that blathering for an hour or two in the morning is doable, but all the time? I mean come on! Don’t you ever feel like just putting a bullet in your head to stop the incessant babble.
LS – Hah, that’s ridiculous. Just because you are a cave-man and don’t value women for their intelligence doesn’t mean all men are that way. Shmoe loves to hear my opinions. Like this morning when we were in the middle of that long commute from Jersey and I started telling Shmoe about what my mother told me the other day about how when I was a little girl and my sister stole my “My Pretty Pony” doll and I told her to give it back and she said it was hers because she said I promised to give it to her if she told me what Marcy said about me to Charlene but I told her that I found out from Debby what Marcy really said and it wasn’t what she told me and my mother said that I really hurt my sister’s feelings and to this day she still wants that doll and she told my mother that my face looks too tight after that dermatological procedure that I didn’t have done and I told Mom that that was mean and I thought that my sister’s butt had gotten really fat and I wasn’t going to give up the doll. And then I asked Shmoe wasn’t he going too fast and why was he swerving toward the guard rail and then he laughed and laughed. And he laughed so hard that a tear was in his eye and then I told him that I was enrolling us in a couple’s yoga class and there was a jazzercise section too.
MS – I’m sorry folks but I’m out of time. … BANG.
PT – Thought so.