Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 2 – The Funeral Oration of Trumpicles

(Hat tip to Roger Kimball for the inspiration.)

 

Note: A prequel has been written to this post.  Sorry for the complication.

General Trumpicles – (GT) – People of Athens, and remember Athens is the greatest city in the world, I speak to you today as your leader, and you love me, you really do. I stand before you today to say that Sparta is low energy and rumor of their military strength is fake news, it really is.

(loud and prolonged cheering)

Yes, yes you love me, of course you do. How could you not?  I return to you victorious after defeating the Thebans and building the long walls out to the Piraeus and getting the Spartans to pay for it.  And considering how poor and cheap the Spartans are it wasn’t easy.  Trust me!

(prolonged chanting of “Sparta Sucks, Sparta Sucks)

Yes, yes they do, they really do. And there it’s actually fashionable but let’s not get homophobic.  What I want to say is that Athens is the greatest city in the world and I’m the greatest leader in the world and you’re all so lucky to live in this Fifth Century B.C. Golden Age.  Although I really don’t know what B.C. means and fifth century from what?  But who cares?  It’s golden and that’s enough.  Next week we’ll be opening up the new Trumpicles Temple and Casino.  Some people want to call it the Parthenon.  They think that statue is Athena.  But it’s really Melania.  And Parthenon for her would be misleading.  Enough said.

I just want to say a few words about how great Athens is and why it’s great. It’s great because we make the best deals and we are smarter than the other greeks and because we don’t take crap from anyone.  Darius landed here when our fathers were poor farmers and told us to pay tribute and we told him to stick it in his ear.  And he burned down the city because it was built of wood.  And we’ve rebuilt it out of marble. And he fought us at Marathon and we kicked his ass.

(prolonged chanting of “Persia Sucks, Persia Sucks)

Yeah, they do. But be generous.  At least they’re not the Spartans.

(loud and raucous laughing)

And don’t forget that it was the Trumpicles Corporation that rebuilt Athens in marble. And it was the finest Parian marble and no expense was spared and it is the showcase of the Aegean Sea.  Now you may be asking yourself, “why does Trumpicles do all this.”?  Well, I’ll tell you.  It’s because I’m a man of the people.  I’m not like that Crooked Clintoninus.  I never make an obol on any of these deals I make for you.  It’s well documented that I’m the greatest leader that you will ever have. After me it’ll be one long slide down into Palookaville and then Alexander and the Macedonians will turn this place into a parking lot for the tourists.  But for as long as you’ve got me, the good times will roll and you won’t have to worry about anything except how to spend the drachmas.  So to sum it up, Athens is the greatest city because I’m the greatest leader, you love me and Sparta sucks.  Good night everybody.

(loud foot stomping and chanting Trumpicles, Trumpicles, Sparta Sucks, Sparta Sucks.)

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