Scene 1: White House West Wing; Monday 8 a.m.
President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike!!! Where the hell are you, guy?
Vice President Trump (VPP) – Right here Mr. President. How can I help you?
PT – Mike, that slug is up to her old tricks again.
VPP – Can you be more specific, Sir?
PT – Yeah, that old witch Hillary tried comparing me to Weinstein. I’m not gonna let her get away with that.
VPP – A twitter barrage this morning then?
PT – Not good enough. As my hero Deadpool would say this calls for maximum effort.
VPP – Yes, but he’s usually referring to mayhem or some even worse form of ultra-violence.
PT – Well, I’m not ruling anything out yet, but I think we can limit this to non-lethal means.
VPP – Sounds like a very balanced and measured response on your part sir.
PT – Exactly.
VPP – Might I ask what avenue of attack you plan on employing?
PT – I’m gonna go after Bill.
VPP – Go after him how, particularly?
PT – Let’s just say it will involve a fishing expedition. I want to land the Great White Whale.
VPP – What’s the bait?
PT – His favorite meal.
VPP – Never mind. Let’s pretend I didn’t ask.
PT – Exactly.
Scene 2: A deserted warehouse somewhere outside Washington D.C.; Midnight, Wednesday of that week.
Former President Clinton in a trenchcoat and downturned fedora walking down the sidewalk toward an opened lighted doorway.
Bill Clinton (BC) – I’m here for the Seafood Surprise.
Doorman – What’s the password?
BC – The Big Dog is on the hunt again.
Doorman – Okay, come on in.
BC – Hillary ain’t gettin’ lucky tonight!
Scene 3: Inside the warehouse a short time later. A poorly lit room containing an enormous cylindrical steel tank with a glass port from which an eerie bluish light emanates. Two men in white lab coats with clip boards stand raptly attentive at the view port. Suddenly a squad of uniformed policemen and some plainclothesmen burst into the room through a double door.
Agent in Charge (AIC) – Alpha Squad, detain the lab personnel. Beta Squad, set up the camera equipment. The rest of you follow me over to the viewing port. (over his radio) The target is secured. Send in the VIP.
(President Trump enters the area and approaches the AIC.)
PT – Good work Bob, that was masterfully done. Congratulate your team.
AIC – Thank you sir. Would you like to view the subject now?
PT – Like isn’t exactly how I’d describe it, but let’s get it over with.
Stepping over to the view screen and next to a video crew actively recording, they see the otherworldly image of a giant squid fully 40 feet long cowering against one of the outlet valves while a very pasty, flabby aged man wearing an aqua lung, flippers and nothing else was performing unspeakable acts with several of the squids tentacles. It was apparent even to the cephalopodically untrained eye that the squid was extremely embarrassed and very scared.
PT – Yeah, that’s him alright. He was always hanging around the steam room at the New York Health and Racquet Club so, unfortunately, I can confirm that’s him.
AIC – How do you want to handle the arrest?
PT – What agencies have jurisdiction?
AIC – Off-hand I’d say the ASPCA and the shellfish division of the FDA.
PT – Fine, but make sure the newspapers get some of this footage for tomorrow’s front page.
AIC – Well, the only one that might print this is National Geographic and even they might black box it. Personally, I’m gonna need a lot of gin to unsee this.
PT – Yeah, I’m going with witch hazel and turpentine.
AIC – That should do it.
Scene 4 White House West Wing, the next morning.
VPP – Sir, I’ll have to say your fishing trip has been an unbelievable success. Former President Clinton was preemptively neutered by the attending veterinarian during his extraction from the squid tank. The Clinton Foundation is being shut down and liquidated under the RICO laws, Chuck Schumer has decided to become a republican and Nancy Pelosi has switched from tuna salad to chicken and is retiring from Congress. Even the New York Times has taken a vacation from bashing you and is evaluating a change in editorial perspective. I hear they’re going to go with a headline tomorrow that says “We Were Wrong, Lock Them Up.”
PT – That reminds me, what’s going on with Hillary?
VPP – Well Mr. President, no one has seen her since yesterday but there is a report that after the giant Squid was released into the Atlantic off the Potomac some sailors reported a strange island appeared off the coast that included monolithic masonry that they said had a very strange geometry and that a winged squid-headed dragon emerged and flew straight for the Clinton town house. After what the neighbors described as a combination of gale force winds and the screeching of a banshee they saw the Dragon carry off Secretary Clinton out to sea.
PT – Well, I’m no fan but I wouldn’t want to see that happen to anyone.
VPP – Considering how you feel about Hillary that’s quite generous of you, sir. After all she is an old woman.
PT – Are you kidding me? I’m worried for Cthulhu. I mean, he’s clearly outmatched.
VPP – Point taken sir.