Trump vs The White House Apprentice – Part 1

 

Scene 1: White House West Wing; Monday 8 a. m.

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike!!  Where the hell are you Mike?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Right here as always Mr. President.

PT – Oh, good.  Look Mike, I know you’re the VP and all that but it occurs to me that I really need to require extreme vetting on anyone who wants to be President after I’m through with the job.  And that’s either tomorrow if they tick me off and I quit or thirty years from now if I decide to hold onto the gig.

VPP – Ahhh, that not exactly true Mr. President.  You are term limited to eight years by the Constitution.

PT – Well unless I get that changed.

VPP – That’s not possible for you, only a future President could benefit from such a change.

PT – You see, and it’s just this kind of attitude that shows I’ll need to vet you extremely to make sure you’ve got the right attitude to be President.  I mean suppose you got in and then we found out you were low energy like the Bushes.  That would truly suck and so I can’t let that happen.

VPP – Yes sir.

PT – But don’t worry Mike.  You’ll be allowed to skip the early rounds and start in the semi-finals.  I’m thinking of getting some guys in at the beginning that will fill out the blooper reel.  I figure Jeb, Kasich and that crazy dame whatsername, Purina.

VPP – I think you’re talking about Carly Fiorina.  Purina is a dog food.

PT – Well yeah but you see the link.

VPP – Ahh.

PT – Exactly.

VPP – Well, Mr. President, it sounds like you’ll be very busy with preparations.  If I can be of any assistance just let me know.

PT – Sure, yes me to death.  I’m not fooled but I’ll let you go.  I do have a lot to get done.

Scene 2 Oval Office:  President trump on the phone with Jeb Bush.

PT – So let me get this straight.  You’re willing to compete but you want a guarantee that I won’t say that you’re low energy?

Jeb Bush (JB) – That’s right.  I demand to be treated with the respect I’ve earned as the Governor of Florida and the brother and son of United States Presidents.

PT – Well, I think the answer to that is dependent on your definition of respect.  The first event in the competition is hosting Barron’s birthday party.  I was thinking of a traditional Bozo the Clown costume but I’m not opposed to a Crusty the Clown costume either.  Of course, the Crusty costume is cheaper to rent.  Your choice.

JB – Why that’s outrageous.

PT – I know.  Bozo has been out of the public spotlight for decades and still they demand a 15% premium at the checkout register.  Outrageous.

JB – You must be out of your mind if you think I’ll stoop to such juvenile behavior.  No self-respecting public official would allow himself to be held up to such ridicule just for the sake of your endorsement.

PT – Kasich went with the Clown from It.

JB – I’ll go with the Bozo.  But I’ll bring my own shoes.  Fungus you know.

PT – That’s the spirit.  Now make sure you’re six hours early for the party.  That make-up is tricky.

JB – Thank you Mr. President.  I’ll be there seven hours early.

PT – (hanging up the phone) I wonder if I should have mentioned the seltzer and whip cream pies?  Ahhh, he’ll figure it out.  Gee, I wonder if I can get the monkey that flings his poo.  Kids love that stuff.  Well, I do anyway.  Boy, Jeb is gonna be the whole blooper reel at this rate.

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