Scene 1: White House, West Wing, Monday 8 a.m.
President Trump (PT) – Schmoopy, I need your advice.
Melania Trump (MT) – Of course Schmoopy. I am always here to advise and consent.
PT – I think that’s the Senate.
MT – Well, with all the Weinstein stuff happening I think you should make sure you have consent.
PT – Point taken. I’m trying to decide between different events for my White House Apprentice contest.
MT – That sounds easy. You already did the Apprentice many times.
PT – Yes, but this is for the Presidency. It’s a much bigger deal and I have to make sure I eliminate the nuts. We don’t want a maniac in charge of the nuclear football.
MT – This is the truth. I remember you got yelled at by the Secret Service guy when you left this football on the golf course that time. He seemed very upset. I think he cried a little.
PT – Probably just sweat. He was sweating pretty bad that day running around the golf course looking for it. He had to pull his gun on that landscaper who was trying to open it with his Leatherman tool. Ahh, good times.
MT – Well, Schmoopy, why don’t you try getting the information from their wives. Wives always know if their husbands are crazy.
PT – Is that true?
MT – (rolling her eyes, derisively) Oh, believe me it’s true.
PT – But how can we get them to tell the truth about that?
MT – You should be asking who could stop them from telling the truth. Have you ever known a woman to keep a secret about her husband on TV?
PT – I think you’ve got something there. There used to be a show on TV in the Seventies called the Newlywed Game. The broads on that thing were always spilling the beans on their husbands.
MT – Maybe you could use that Schmoopy.
PT – Schmoopy, you’re a genius.
MT – Remember that when I hit fifty.
PT – You’re not already?
MT – You will pay for that.
Scene 2: White House Broadcast Studio, The set of the Newlywed Game has been recreated right down to the cheesy theme music and Don Pardo announcer voice.
Announcer Don Pardo (ADP) – Welcome to the Newlywed Game and here’s the host of the Newlywed Game, Donalllld Trump!
PT – Thank you Don. And who are our contestants?
ADP – All the way from Janesville Wisconsin, here’s Paul and Janna Ryan. He loves supply side economics and sticking it to the Deplorables. She loves raising her kids and making a loving home for them.
PT – Welcome Janna and whatsisname too. And who else is here with us Don?
ADP – Hailing from the Sunshine State of Florida are JEB! and Columba Bush. He likes backpacking and backpedaling on conservative positions and she loves spending time with her kids and grandkids.
PT – Welcome Columba and JEB!, I’m glad to see the Bozo makeup rash has stopped oozing, mostly. And Don who are our last couple?
ADP – Hailing from the “Natural State, these Arkansas natives, are staunch conservative republicans. Please welcome Phil and Mallory Clanton. He likes fighting to restore old-fashioned gender roles and respect for women in America and she is just an old-fashioned cookie baking grannie with no stuck up about her and great respect for the alt-right.
PT – Oh for pity’s sake. Isn’t there anything short of garlic and a wooden stake that can stop you two?
Mallory Clanton (MC) – Ahh’m nat tahred ate tall. We is just pour country folks is awwwl. We’s is hair tuh halp ‘Muhrca be’s great agin.
PT – Security, drag these two out and don’t be too gentle with her but watch out, I think she’s got a shiv.
Phil Clanton (PC) – Hey, any chance I can pick up a few odds and ends I left in the Lincoln bedroom? I can get them myself if you loan me a claw hammer for the floorboards. They’re kinda personal if you know what I’m saying.
PT – Security, definitely rough him up a bunch. Then pull up the floor in the Lincoln bedroom and fumigate.
ADP – Well that’s all the time we have. But we do have lovely consolation prizes for everyone (except the Clantons). Each couple will receive a home version of the Newlywed Game and a quart of good scotch to remember how you almost got to be President of the United States. Good night everybody.