The First Annual Harvey Awards – The Hollywood Perp Walk

Scene 1: Announcer’s Booth at the Dolby Theater, Rachel Maddow and Ellen DeGeneres hosting the PBS review.

Rachel Maddow (RM) – Hello post-patriarchy America.  I’m here with Ellen to host the first rebranded Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Awards henceforth to be known as the Harvies.

Ellen DeGeneres (ED) – That’s right Rachel.  It’s been renamed the Harvey to commemorate the Harvey Weinstein catalyzed revolt of the womyn.  Even the statuette has been re-engineered.  It’s still a nude figurine but in honor of its namesake it is a rather pear-shaped satyr with his castrated genitals on the base near his feet.

RM – Amazing artwork, really.

ED – Yes, indeedy.

RM – Ellen, let’s reflect on the changes we saw earlier on the red carpet walkway.

ED – Yes, Rachel, let’s.  I thought it was very encouraging how all those strapless evening gowns and daring short skirts have disappeared from the runway to be replaced with sensible jumpsuits and snazzy tuxedettes.

RM – Yes, a breath of fresh air and so much fairer to some of our more mature colleagues.  And how about the hair styles?  I thought it was about time for Hollywood to rediscover the buzz cut.

ED – You said it sister.  Nothing like a number two buzz cut to get you out of the shower in less than five minutes.

RM – And the addition of the Burka Parade was both brave and empowering somehow.

ED – Yes, somehow.

RM – Yes.  Anyway, wasn’t it great not having to feel like some kind of display being gawked at by lecherous, lecherous men?

ED – Or lecherous, lecherous women!  We are the equal of men in every way you know.

RM – Exactly.

ED – Yes, exactly.

RM – Yes.  Now, where were we?  Oh yes, breath of fresh air.

ED – Yes, fresh.

RM – So as an update to the audience, just today it was decided that Jimmy Kimmel having a beard and a wife was unsuitable for this first Harvies broadcast.  So, in his place we’ve got Amy Schumer.

ED – Oh, that’s great.  She’s really funny and she has those fat jokes that are very funny.  But what about the swearing?

RM – Let ‘m fly!

ED – On ABC?  Disney?

RM – Don’t get wobbly now Ellen.  I am Womyn hear me Roar!

ED – Yeah, but I’m on ABC.  We can’t afford to lose any more viewers.  As it is I’m being payed per diem.  If I lose anymore base, I’m gonna have to move over to one of the loser channels like MSNBC.

RM – Hey!

ED – I mean CNN.

RM – Exactly.

ED – Anyway, why don’t we run down the list of Best Picture nominees.

RM – Yes, let’s.

ED – Starting with the hands down favorite, Ghostbusters.

RM – What a hoot.  It had everything, Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones.  And all of them were womyn!

ED – I think you’re right there Rachel.  I think they all were womyn.  Isn’t that something?

RM – Yes, indeedy.

ED – Now you’re using “yes indeedy?”

RM – sure I always use it.  I can be folksy.

ED – Oh, fine.

RM – Anyway, what about the other nominees?

ED – Well, actually that’s the only nominee that wasn’t pulled from consideration for linkage to a director, producer or major star involved in a #metoo accusation.

RM -But how can we have a competition if there is only one nominee?

ED – What’s the problem?  The rules say the nominee with the highest vote total wins.  Where does it say you can’t have just one nominee?

RM – But all the lead actors are womyn how will we select a Best Actor award?

ED – Oh, they were all eliminated.  We’re just gonna run the “Who Died This Year” clip instead.

RM – Hmmm.  So Best Director, Best Actress, Best Song, Best Cinematography all go to Ghostbusters?

ED – It looks like a good bet.

RM – Well, then even I think this seems kind of pointless.  How will we fill four hours of air time if all the awards are pre-determined?

ED –  The acceptance speeches.  Each winner will spend approximately twenty minutes ranting and foaming against the patriarchy and in particular, against the Men of Hollywood who have offended against us.

RM – Oh yeah.  That’s right.  This is gonna be good.

ED – Not to mention, at the three-hour mark there will be a forty five minute montage of all the #metoo victims and villains.  It’s gonna be great.

RM – But won’t that kind of alienate male viewers.

ED – Actually we don’t have any, except the gay guys of course.

RM – Oh, of course.  Plus, they can boo Kevin Spacey.

ED – That’s right.  It’s a win/win.

RM – Well, this actually is sounding pretty fabulous.  Now that we’ve conquered Hollywood and hold all the aces the future must look very bright.

ED – Well, actually this is also the last Harvies.

RM – Last? Why?

ED – Well without the male stars, writers, directors and producers the studios realized that no one would want to see the movies made by women.  So, they closed down the businesses and put their money into realistic sexbots.  Apparently, they’re where the smart money is going.

RM – Yeah, I guess we should’ve seen that coming.

ED – But what will all the actresses do?

RM – Work?

ED – What if they can’t?

RM – Well I hear the sexbot industry needs models to simulate sex to teach the sexbots.  Could they do that?

ED – Yeah, in a funny way that’s kind of what they’re good at.

RM – Well, Amy’s taking the stage for her opening monologue.  Good night PBS audience for this first and last Harvies Awards celebration.  Good night everyone!

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