Scene 1 – New Year’s Day 2018 – White House, Oval Office
President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike. Pence! Where the hell are you?
Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, I was just on the phone with McConnell. He wants to know what we’re going to do to save the House and Senate in the midterms.
PT – And I thought Jeb was low energy! Tell him to stop whining. He’s done his part. He got the tax bill passed. I’ll take care of everything else. He can go back to sleep.
VPP – I’ll tell him Mr. President. But he brings up a good point. With the constant attack provided by the Main Stream Media how can we keep the Democrats from taking back the Congress?
PT – Mike, haven’t you learned anything from me this year?
VPP – I’d like to think I have.
PT – Well, does playing defense sound like me?
VPP – Is holding onto Congress playing defense, Mr. President?
PT – Of course it is. My plan isn’t to play pattycake with the communists. It’s to scorch the earth that they occupy. I plan to eliminate most of these freeloaders. My vision is to empty Northern Virginia of federal employees. I’m going to eliminate 88% of these jobs and move most of the rest to Montana. Also, I plan to put the salary level on par with Walmart.
VPP – Is that even possible?
PT – Think big Mike. If you can dream it, you can do it. What dream do you have?
VPP – Well Mr. President, I’ve always wanted to achieve world peace.
PT – Well Mike, I respect that kind of epic scope, but I’ve looked into that. It would require elimination of almost 89% of humanity to enact. I’m just not comfortable with that kind of carnage.
VPP – Huh, what!
PT – Well, anyway, what I’m planning for 2018 is to flood the zone. We’ll start by closing down the EEOC.
VPP – Sir, that can’t be done.
PT – That’s just a figure of speech. We don’t need to actually shut it down. We’ll reduce budget and headcount until it comes in line with the mission we want to achieve.
VPP – What does that mean?
PT – We defang it, decapitate it and leave a remnant for show. Currently there are about 2,000 employees with a budget of $365,000,000. If you do the math that is an average salary of about $180,000.
VPP – Well Mr. President, that’s their whole budget. That includes other line items beside salary.
PT – Blah, blah, blah, Mike. Look my plan is reduce the staff to 200 people with an average salary of $40,000. That’s a total salary of $8,000,000 for the whole department. Most of those folks will be clericals so that’s about right. I’ll have twenty managers including the department head. And I’ll be damn sure none of the managers are commies.
VPP – Sir, that’s a bold plan. Can you get it done?
PT – Bold? That’s just one department. Do you have any idea how much can be saved by carrying out this initiative across the whole federal bureaucracy?
VPP – But you’ll put millions of people out of work!
PT – Let’s hope! Oh, we’ll stagger the effect by giving them a severance package and unlimited unemployment benefits. I figure 65% of these people are functionally unemployable. They would actually be a drag on any business that hires them. So it’ll be cheaper to pay them unemployment until retirement age than allow them to continue to harm the American people. And the lower salaries we’ll pay the remnant won’t encourage them to remain in the public sector. We’re about to eviscerate the beast.
VPP – Mr. President, will the congressional Republicans support this?
PT – Of course not. They’re part of the beast. But that’s my job, weasel herding. I’m ready to handle their low energy back-stabbing. I’m actually going to enjoy it. Now Mike are you ready to do your job or not?
VPP – I’ll do the best I can. But this is all so strange and disorienting. It feels almost unreal.
PT – Just the opposite. Reality is just too painful for the sleep-walkers. What I’m trying to do is wean a heroin addict off the drug with methadone. Once he’s seeing reality without the craving he can decide if he’s strong enough to handle full blown withdrawal. America’s been on the needle for so long, it’s fifty-fifty whether it can come back. But that’s our job. We have to give them a chance to choose reality.
VPP – So you’re saying the Democrats are the cartel.
PT – Very good, you’re learning.