Scene 1: Thursday, 1145 hours USS Ronald Reagan flight deck, On a raised platform is President Trump (PT), at the microphone, behind him on chairs are various government and military dignitaries and some celebrities and foreign leaders that appear to have been snatched away from their lives without notice.
PT – Okay people it’s time. In a few minutes the greatest battle ever fought will begin and we will vanquish the evil ugly and reputedly smelly enemy or we will die. Now I’m not talking about Hillary. She’s already taken care. In fact, she’s still bobbing around behind us. I think she’s still trying to catch up to us but it’s not going to happen, it’s too late. She’s too low energy. Forget her.
No, I’m talking about the space aliens. Have you seen these things? Sure, they’re not as uncoordinated as Hillary but even she doesn’t smell as bad as these things. I mean really, it’s awful. So even if we didn’t have a beef with these guys wanting to steal our planet we still would want to get rid of them because of that smell. And wouldn’t you know? What are they? That’s right, illegal aliens. They’re breaking our laws by being here. And the aliens aren’t sending us their best probably. They’re probably criminals without valuable skills. I mean sure they know about interstellar travel but who needs that? What’s there? Probably just more smelly aliens and bad food and food poisoning like Montezuma’s Revenge. And what do they want? They want our jobs and to live off of welfare. Also, they want to blow up all our cities. Now a lot of those cities didn’t vote for me. In fact, if there were no more large cities I’d win every election and we’d have enormous majorities in both House and Senate and I’d be able to make all kinds of good changes and we’d get amendments to the Constitution that would be fantastic. But there wouldn’t be anymore Trump Tower or the Mets or Yankees so there is that. Well anyway they want to blow up the cities and they want to take all our minerals and water. So, we’re gonna have to whack all of them.
Now you may say how is Trump gonna do that? How can he destroy star ships with force fields and giant lasers and antigravity? Well I can. I’ve got Elon Musk and he’s got tantalum which is a real thing and he’s figured out what will destroy these alien losers. Now Musk is not my favorite nerd because he’s all about global warming and electric cars and other stupid things that don’t work. But that’s because he was getting paid off by Obama who also isn’t my favorite but who I’ve sent to talk to the smelly aliens. Anyway, I got Thiel who is my favorite geek to talk to Musk and I told him I’d let him wet his beak with whatever we get from the alien ships. So, he got his nerd factory cranking on Ritalin and they came up with this tantalum thing which is a real thing and not a hoax. But if it is a hoax I’ll tie him to a missile and use his big fat head to knock a hole in the alien ship. But that won’t be necessary because he knows where his bread is buttered. So, the plan is in place and now all of you servicemen are going to get to work. And maybe even some of you servicewomen if you actually know what you’re doing which I doubt. But just stay out of the guys’ way and maybe make some sandwiches or something and some good strong coffee which always helps in cases like this. I like pastrami if it’s lean and you have good brown mustard. But I don’t suppose there’s good deli on this floating airport. Well anyway, the important thing is we’ve got a big job to do and we’d better get to it. But remember when you’re working with the missiles and the jets and the boat engines that you’re part of something great. Because you’re working for me. That’s right. Even though you work for a sergeant or a general or an admiral, remember they work for me. I’m the Commander-in-Chief of all of you. I sign your check and I make sure you have the bombs you need and the food you eat. Hillary wouldn’t have given you bombs and food. She didn’t like the military because she doesn’t like men. It’s like Rosie O’Donnell only Bill’s Hillary’s beard. And you don’t work for the Congress. They can’t even get out of their own way to get the budget done every year. I mean, Little Marco, Captured McCain, Fauxcahantas, Cryin’ Chuck and Lyin’ Ted? Give me a break. And how about JEB! He couldn’t even deal with human aliens. He’d probably marry one of these things just to show how fair he is. And forget about the rest of the world. Right now, the Europeans and the Russians and Chinese and the rest of those foreigners are getting their clocks cleaned by these goons. I’m going to take care of this problem for the whole world. But they won’t even reimburse me for the costs. I mean, I bet this tantalum stuff ain’t cheap and I know Musk is gonna charge top dollar. But you have to pay for good help so I’ll fork it over. It’s a good deal. So anyway, remember this is about making America great and also keeping it from being blown up. But don’t think there will be any United Nations rodeo clowns in blue helmets helping us out. There won’t be and I wouldn’t want them if they offered. Americans get the job done on their own. Period. So, remember that and do a good job and you’ll be able to say you helped Trump win this war.
And one last thing, any hope that a cease fire would occur is gone. A message from the ship announced that Gore and Obama, after reviewing the aliens environmental record, decided to throw in with the aliens. Well both of those guys smelled funny to begin with so that’s probably for the best
So remember, this is a fight to the death so don’t hesitate. Give it everything you’ve got. And I promise when we win, each and every one of you, even you ladies, will receive a very nice gift package including Trump steaks, Trump knives and a very nice picture of me with a beautiful facsimile signature that is just as good as though I actually signed it. Trump out.