Scene 1 – Bridge of the USS Ronald Reagan off the shore from Washington D.C., Thursday 1155 hours. Present on the bridge are crew of the USSRR and President Trump (PT), General Adam Baldwin (GAD), Secretary Mattis (SM), Melania Trump (MT), Peter Thiel (PTh)
PT- General Baldwin, are we ready to implement the Musk protocol?
GAD – On your command, sir.
PT – Go!
(General Baldwin flips three switches on a panel on his desk console)
GAD – Cruise missile with explosive warhead will impact in twenty seconds. Cruise missile with tantalum slug will impact 3 seconds after. One megaton thermonuclear device is awaiting your command.
PT – Go!
(Baldwin flips a fourth switch)
GAD – Nuke will detonate in two minutes. Flash guards are in place. Prepare for turbulence.
(two minutes later the aircraft carrier is buffeted by a shock wave that knocks several of those standing to the floor)
PT – General, what is the status of the target?
(several service personnel cluster in front of an instrument panel attempting to restore the main console to life. Slowly an image appears as the mushroom cloud clears away. the ship remains in place)
GAD – Negative result. The target remains.
PT – Mattis, where is Musk?
SM – As you anticipated, he escaped on his private aircraft shortly after your … erm … morale boosting speech. His aircraft was admitted to the alien space ship a little while before the launch of your attack.
PT – What is the status of the space ship?
GAD – Radar shows the ship is in motion on a heading that will put it above us in five minutes.
PT – Put in a call to the “negotiations team”
(on the main console can be seen Obama, Gore and Musk seated and surrounded by several of the aliens. the humans are all obviously pleased and quite relaxed)
BO – Well Donald, who could have imagined your presidency ending like this? Elon said it was easy convincing you that tantalum was the answer. Sorry it didn’t work out.
PT – So what does the future hold for you three? Surely your new masters will dispose of you once they finish off the rest of our military.
EM – Far from it. We have convinced them that we can provide information that will allow them to effectively harness a valuable natural resource, namely a large intelligent slave labor force. Also, as it turns out, they like to eat meat.
PT – How delightful. Thiel do your stuff.
Peter Thiel moves over to the main console and the screen splits between the image of the conspirators and a telephoto view of the approaching space craft. Thiel presses several buttons and throws a switch. The audio from inside the ship registers a high pitched squeal and the video from that half of the screen goes black. At the same time on the other half of the screen the ship ceases forward motion and falls out of the sky like a stone.
PTh – Mr. President, the device has successfully disrupted their drive.
PT – General what is the current situation of the space ship?
GAD – Mr. President, the ship is falling at terminal velocity and will strike the Atlantic Ocean surface in a little over two minutes.
PT – Thiel, what do your bright boys think will happen when it hits. Will the occupants survive?
PTh – Doubtful sir. Without anti-gravity they will experience an instantaneous stop from about 100 miles per hour. And since the ship is not built to support its own weight against gravity it will fracture and sink to the bottom immediately. Also the contact between the warp drive and sea water will be explosive. Basically a total loss.
PT – Too bad. I guess we’ll have to try to save one of the other ships when we take them down.
SM – But Mr. President, we can’t hope to gain admittance to a ship a second time. They’ll immediately begin to destroy our cities. And after the failure of the tantalum to disrupt their shield we are helpless to stop them.
PT – Yeah, about that. Thiel, do the exposition.
PTh – Certainly Mr. President. Elon was the only traitor on his team. Tantalum does perform as he said it would. But Mr Musk substituted another material for tantalum in the slugs he provided us. Luckily the only other slugs he had were depleted uranium and the low-level radiation was detected and tipped us off to the deception. When we figured out what was intended we switched Elon’s cell phone with one that would spray molten tantalum all around the control room of the alien spacecraft once triggered.
SM – So we can proceed to attack the other space ships with the tantalum sandwich approach.
PT – Yes. Hey I like that phrase, tantalum sandwich. Let’s say I thought it up.
SM – Sure …, … sir.
PT – Good. So, here’s the plan. Get a team together at the Area 51 producing the tantalum tipped cruise missile payloads. Work out a schedule for taking down the local ships but prioritize taking down the mother ship. Get it to crash on the moon. That’s our best hope of providing intact equipment to reverse engineer. Thiel will tag along with the research team that Musk had and it will be his job to shepherd all this technology so it stays in American hands only.
GAD – But why weren’t they aware of how dangerous tantalum is to their systems and why didn’t they have counter measures?
PTh – The only thing we’ve thought of so far is that the star system these aliens came from did not have all the elements we have here on earth. Tantalum is a fairly heavy element. These elements are produced in fairly rare stellar events and they are not equally distributed around the cosmos. I guess you could say it’s just blind luck.
PT – Alright, Carl Sagan, that’s enough. Now get to work.
PTh – Yes Mr. President. (under his breath) (what a jerk).
MT – Oh Schmoopy, you are the action hero. Like Bruce Willis.
PT – But with better hair!
MT – Ahhh … …, sure. But Schmoopy, how will we fix all the things the bad aliens have broken?
PT – Don’t worry Schmoopy, with the technology we’ll get from the aliens and my leadership we can make this a better and happier world. As long as the democrats don’t screw it up again.
MT – So true Schmoopy, so true. You are the wise man.
PT – And you are a wise woman for knowing it, Schmoopy.
PTh – Now I remember why I’m gay.
PT – Shaddap Thiel.