Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 1 Note: this is a link to the first installment of this story.
President Trump (PT)
Sargeant at Arms (SAA)
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (PR)
Toffee Bredwell – An upper class British journalist from the BBC (TB)
Newt Gingrich (NG)
Melania Trump (MT)
Scene 1: US Capitol Building, 8:45 pm, directly before the State of the Union Address
TB – Good evening everyone and welcome to the BBC coverage of the American Presidential State of the Union Address. I’m your reporter Toffee Bredwell and with me here is former Speaker of the American House of Representatives, the Honorable Newton Gingrich. Welcome Mr. Speaker or may I call you Newt?
NG – Certainly Toffee, all my friends call me Newt.
TB – Thanks. Now as a former Speaker of the House you are intimately familiar with the protocol, let’s call it the nuts and bolts of this event. Can you share a little insight with our listeners about how this evening will progress?
NG – Well, normally the members of the administration and the Supreme Court will be announced by the Deputy Sergeant at Arms and when The President arrives at the Chamber door the Sergeant at Arms announces him to the Speaker. This is followed by a long walk filled with cheers and handshaking and embraces and when the President reaches the Rostrum the Speaker announces him to the Congress and after another lengthy round of applause the President begins his address. And during the address depending on the particular subject and the party of each of the attendees there could be applause, stony silence or recently even some booing. In fact, during one of then President Obama’s addresses, a Congressman shouted out “You lie!”
TB – Oh dear, how embarrassing. Do you expect we’ll experience any such breaches of civility tonight?
NG – Well Toffee, unless I miss my guess, I think we might see something a little more exciting tonight. Let’s just hope there won’t be any fisticuffs.
TB – Quite. So, I can see that the Sergeant at Arms is positioning himself so let’s shift over to the floor microphone.
SAA – Mister Speaker, the President of the United States!
TB – Well Mr. Speaker, you weren’t exaggerating. What a terrific up swelling of applause and ovation for this President. These congresspersons certainly love this President.
NG – Oh, far from it, Toffee. Most of these people despise Donald Trump but he’s just initiated a gigantic uptick in economic growth. Something that hasn’t been seen since Ronald Reagan. As long as he’s the stronger horse they’ll applaud. If things turn sour the knives will quickly come out.
TB – Ah, it’s good to see politics are the same everywhere. Well, it looks like Speaker Ryan is about to introduce the President to Congress. Let’s go to the Rostrum microphone and we’ll return after the address to review the high points.
PR – Members of Congress, I have the high privilege and distinct honor of presenting to you the President of the United States.
(Long and loud applause.)
PT – Thank you Mr. Speaker. Thank you, Paul. It feels strange to be thanking you Paul. Up until the tax overhaul bill I was ready to write you off as a total loss. I was going to have you primaried by some kind of radical and who knows maybe you wouldn’t have made it. But now I’m almost fond of you. You’re still a spineless weasel but you’re my spineless weasel, so you’ve got that going for you which is nice. And Mitch McConnell, what can I say? You’re like some kind of petrified fossil that exists outside of the world we live in. It doesn’t seem possible that anything as weird as you could still exist but you do. If we could replace you with an animatronic character like a talking walrus or porcupine I believe it would increase our popularity with the voters but anyway I can’t be too mad at you either because of the tax bill.
Now, you Democrats are a different story. You all are without a doubt the lowest form of pond scum to ever successfully masquerade as human beings. Every time I think you’ve hit the ethical bottom you somehow dig a little deeper and go even lower. Let’s take for instance Dick Durbin. His lying double-crossing behavior at the DACA meeting has convinced me that if I saw Dick Durbin and a Great White Shark in the waters off of Mar a Lago I’d immediately warn … the shark! And don’t get me started on Pelosi and Schumer. The way people are leaving California and New York, pretty soon their own votes will be sufficient to guarantee their re-elections. That’s right Cryin’ Chuck, the Statue of Liberty is crying over your lousy party’s inept governing of both the City and State of New York.
But it’s not all bad, I want to congratulate Al Franken for striking out for women’s rights. He harassed enough women to ensure that a woman would replace him. Quite a tribute. And I’d also like to congratulate Maxine Waters for being so crazy that she now makes Rosie O’Donnell seem sane in comparison. When Maxine said she wasn’t a Millennial but used to be I think she meant that she was born in 1000 AD. That would explain her looks and the fact that she mostly speaks gibberish. Back then English really hadn’t been invented yet so everyone sounded like she does. And I know I shouldn’t make fun of a woman’s looks but honestly Maxine is so ugly she makes Pelosi and Hillary look decent by comparison.
And I’d like to thank the press for being so dishonest. By lying at every turn you’ve made my job so much easier. At this point I can almost guarantee that anything I say will be disputed by you folks in such ridiculous terms that even the least intelligent person will be able to tell you’re lying. You’ve become an exaggerated parody of yourselves. Well done and congratulations for ensuring the long tem demise of your own jobs.
And I’d like to thank all those federal judges both at the Circuit and Supreme Court level who keep usurping the constitutional power of elected officials. You only make it easier for me to get the electorate to understand why I need to replace as many of you as I possibly can.
I’m going to take a short break while the Secret Service frog marches the Secret Society of Comey, McCabe, Strozk and Mueller down the center aisle on their way to the hoosegow but before I do I’d just like to give a shout out to one of our guests in the gallery. I’d like to welcome Miss Stormy Daniels coming and for confirming that I have not had sex with her. But if I had she knows it would be the best sex she’s ever had and that my hands are ample and highly capable.
MT – Kurba!
PT – And Melania welcomes you too. Trump out.
(Returning to the BBC broadcast location)
NG – Hello and welcome back BBC listeners. This is former Speaker Newt Gingrich again. Unfortunately, Toffie Bredwell has passed out. Apparently kurba is Slovenian for whore and that was just too much for Toffie. Stay tuned and I’m sure he’ll revive before the President continues on with the substantive portion of his speech. But first a word from our sponsor.