(Reviewer’s Note: I watched this movie almost three weeks ago and put it aside without finishing it because much better things were going on. Now that I’ve decided to finish it, I find that I’ve forgotten some of the details. Please forgive any vagueness or inaccuracies. Merciful forgetfulness has shielded me from a vivid memory of this dreck. But believe me when I say that this movie is as bad or worse than I represent it. Enjoy.)
As a worthy successor to a recent review (One Million B.C.) I have another TCM . Here is a movie that cries out for mockery. It has a plot so weak that I believe the writer must have been either a heroin addict, a congenital idiot or a democrat. This was a year after sputnik launched so the UFO is a big silver ball. The alien is a giant and he more or less fills up the whole ball. He’s a big bald-headed guy wearing a short dress that looks like it was stolen from the costume closet of the movie Spartacus. For some reason that probably didn’t even make sense to the writer, the giant is searching for diamonds. Alright, so much for the science fiction, such as it is. Now for the human interest. Harry and Nancy are a married couple with problems. Nancy is rich and has problems involving drinking and mental instability and Harry has a wandering eye for the ladies. When first we see him he’s at what looks like a diner with a blonde vixen named Honey wrapped around him complaining about how his rich wife won’t give him more money to spend on booze and trashy women. Honey is sympathetic. He has a plan to get Nancy’s money by having her committed to a mental institution. Honey is sympathetic again.
Switch scenes to Nancy driving along the roads of some southwestern landscape, cactus, sage brush and sand in all directions. She seems sad and drunk. And as she sadly, drunkenly drives along she sees giant sputnik flying around in the sky in a completely unconvincing imitation of anything moving through the air. Eventually it lands on the road in front of her. Nancy brakes into the shoulder and witnesses a truly unconvincing special effects portrayal of a fifty-foot alien coming out of a forty-foot sputnik. Most of the scene centers on Nancy screeching uncontrollably and trying to avoid the giant as he tries to paw her with his six-foot-long giant hand. Later on, we’ll learn that he somehow knew she was wearing a big diamond on a necklace. So, after a short encounter Nancy runs off leaving her car and stumbles into town. Telling the sheriff about the giant increases her reputation for being nuts. The sheriff tells his deputy to find Harry and tell him to bring Nancy home for a rest and a visit to the head shrinker.
Meanwhile Harry is now ensconced with Honey and bribes the deputy to say he couldn’t find him. Hearing Nancy’s story from the deputy gets Harry and Honey thinking that their big chance to have Nancy permanently locked up in a rubber room is at hand. They celebrate by going to Honey’s hotel room.
Eventually Harry goes to claim Nancy at the sheriff’s office. She nags at him until he agrees to go back for her car and see if her story is true. They find her car but the alien comes back. Harry fires a few rounds at the alien then bolts in fear. The alien catches Nancy and Harry drives off without her. Harry returns home and discovers that the alien has returned Nancy. She is lying unconscious on the roof of the pool house. She has scratches around her neck and her diamond is gone. Later on a doctor tells us that there are obvious signs of radioactivity. Science!
Now the sheriff decides he must act. He and the deputy agree to go out to where her car was and prove that there was nothing strange going on. Unfortunately, when they find her car they also find the space ship. The sheriff and the deputy go inside the space ship. Here they walk through a few rooms that seem to be sized for normal humans. And so, we have to ask ourselves how exactly does this giant fit in this space craft? In rough dimensions it appears that he would have to be curled into a fetal position just to fit into the diameter of the ship. And that is supposing that it was completely hollow. How would that allow these walls and floors to exist? And thus, my theory that the writer was a congenital idiot.
In one room they find a bunch of diamonds. Nancy’s diamond is there. They theorize on the scientific reasons why the giant wants diamonds. Science! When the giant returns they battle him with a pistol and a shot gun. I think I remember they blow either him or his space ship up with the shot gun. But I’m not sure. I think I was starting to lose interest at this point.
Doctors are summoned and Nancy is sedated. Harry plots putting poison in her IV drip but before he has a chance to she becomes a fifty-foot woman. Of course, all we see is her giant hand inside a room in the house. Eventually she goes berserk and breaks through the roof of the house and goes on a rampage looking for Harry. Now she is dressed in an impromptu fifty-foot brassiere and mini-skirt supposedly fashioned out of bed sheets. And all things considered she looks pretty good! At this point I reflected on the comparison between pretty and gigantic Nancy and normal sized but skanky looking Honey. Sure, the disparity in size might lead to marital difficulties but her huge size would guarantee that Harry would be pampered by his huge wife like some kind of rag doll, probably carried in her apron pocket and fed huge crumbs that collected on her clothes as she ate her huge meals. Well, enough of this random speculation.
Nancy goes on a rampage through town looking for Harry. Finally she pulls the roof off of the diner and finds Harry and Honey cowering in a corner. Nancy crushes Honey and grabs Harry in one hand and walks away. Finally the sheriff fires his shotgun at Nancy and hits an electric substation which explodes and kills Nancy. And Harry is dead too, although it’s uncertain if he dies from the explosion, the fall or from being crushed by a death spasm in his wife’s hand.
I ask you, is there a more ridiculous movie? Some will point to “Plan Nine From Outer Space” as a paragon of bad movie making and there is much justice in that. But compare the budgets of these two movies. “Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman” had a budget of $80,000. Looking at Plan Nine it would surprise me if $500 was expended. Unless you can claim that Plan Nine is one hundred and sixty times worse than Attack then you must admit that pound for pound, Plan Nine is a better movie. So, let’s hail Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman as the movie that provided least for the money expended.