Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Robert Mueller – (RM); Chuck Schumer – (CS), Melania Trump – (MT)
Scene 1 – White House Oval Office 8am Monday, President Trump is standing at the doorway shouting in his typical way.
PT – Mike. Mike, Mike! Pence, where the hell are you?
VPP – Right here Mr. President! Now, how can I be of assistance?
PT – Mike, have you seen my popularity numbers? They’re through the roof.
VPP – Well, Rasmussen says you are up 5 points to 50%.
PT – Exactly. Don’t you see what this means? They loved the porn star thing. I’ve got to do something to capitalize on this.
VPP – Sir, didn’t that working over the First Lady gave your face and other areas suffice to deter you from any further extra-marital activities?
PT – Relax, Holy Roller, I’m not talking about the skirts. I mean real fun. Don’t you see? This 5% must be men all over America who never have a bit of fun. They’re living vicariously through me. Whenever I do something that they wish they could do but can’t, they get a kick out of it and like me even better. So all I have to do is have a little fun and my poll numbers will be stratospheric.
VPP – And you don’t see how this can go wrong?
PT – Exactly.
VPP – Very well, I’ll call the legal team in today and have them start working up the cover stories.
PT – That’s the spirit little guy. Well, I’m off to give Chuck Schumer a hot foot.
VPP – God speed Mr. President, God speed.
Scene 2 – Same week; Up flash a series of whirling headlines on fake newspaper front pages; “Trump puts whoopee cushion under Pope,” “Trump teepees Jerry Brown’s Earth Day Observance,” Trump gives Shia LeBeof an atomic wedgey,” “Trump suspected of giving Robert DeNiro double noogies and a severe Indian Burn.”
Scene 3 – Inside Chuck Schumer’s Senate Minority Leader’s Office – Schumer behind his desk and Robert Mueller standing above him looking tall, grave and thin.
CS – I tell you Mueller you’ve got to put a stop to this reign of terror that Trump is inflicting on us. Nancy Pelosi would be inconsolable if she weren’t already completely incoherent.
RM – Mr. Senate Minority Leader Schumer, what can I do? None of these offenses in and of itself rises to the level of treason. Only the House can bring impeachment charges up and the republicans, as gutless as they are, won’t do it because they’re more afraid of getting a swirlee from Trump than even of getting voted out.
CS – Well, I simply can’t take this anymore (beginning to tear up and sniffle), it’s too much.
RM – Please Mr. Senate Minority Leader Schumer, pull yourself together. I’ll do what I can.
CS – (sniff, sniff) Thanks Bob.
Scene 4 – White House Oval Office 8am Thursday, President Trump is leaning on his desk smiling and talking to the Vice President.
PT – Yeah Mike, my poll numbers are hovering in the low nineties. Even the Democrats are loving this stuff. Look (holding up some underwear) Maureen Dowd even sent me her laudary.
VPP – Oh, Mr. President, now really!
PT – Relax, Aunt Amelia, I had them steam cleaned and checked for polonium.
VPP – But where will this all end, sir?
PT – Who cares? I’m thinking of having the CIA kidnap Kim Jong-un, shave his head and paint it blue and tie him up naked inside the girl’s locker room. And next week me and Putin are gonna steal Trudeau’s lunch money and tell him to stop hitting himself.
(just then the phone rings, President Trump puts it on speaker)
PT – Trump here, go!
MT – (her voice coming over the speaker) Schmoopey, what have you been up to this week?
PT – Nothing Schmoopey, I swear! That Dowd skank sent that laundry over to set me up, I swear!
MT – No Schmoopey, I don’t mean the Dowd panties. Those are not your fault. I mean why have you been mean to the other children? Crying Chuck’s Mom was over and she was very sad. She said you were mean to her little boy and she wants you to stop. And all the other moms called up and said the same thing.
PT – Schmoopey, you don’t understand. The world is a vicious horrible place where only the strong survive. It’s kill or be killed.
MT – Well if you’re not going to play nice with the other kids then you’re not getting a story tonight.
PT – Oh, sure they tell on me and I get in trouble. You don’t think Cryin’ Chuck does bad stuff? And what about Crooked Hillary and Dirty Bill? Why don’t they get in trouble?
MT – Because they’re not my Schmoopey and they don’t get the best stories in the world.
PT – Fine I’ll stop. But ya know, now I probably will fall into the fifties in the polls again. And the democrats will win the mid-terms.
MT – No they won’t. You are the best President Schmoopey. You know you will win anyway. Just play nice.
PT – Okay fine. Now that you’ve embarrassed me in front of Mike can I go?
MT – Oh, hi Michael Pence I did not know that you were there.
VPP – That’s okay Mrs. Trump, always a pleasure.
MT – Goodbye Mike, goodbye Schmoopey. (hangs up).
PT – Alright Mike. I guess back to the drawing board. How about we just abolish the IRS?