Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Melania Trump – (MT); Vice President Pence – (VPP);
Scene 1- 8am Thursday; White House West Wing; Presidential Living Quarters;
PT – Schmoopey, Schmoopey. Where are you Schmoopey?
MT – I am right here Schmoopey. Why do you cry out so?
PT – Schmoopey, Roseanne has been fired because she thought Valerie Jarrett was white and looked like an ape.
MT – But what can you do about that? ABC is the boss of her, not you Schmoopey.
PT – I know but America needs its TV Moms even the ones who are fat loudmouths. I must act and act decisively. Anyway, I need you to rally the women of America behind me. I intend to honor them in my own way. It will be huge.
MT – Schmoopey please be careful with your honoring. The women, they are a little jumpy right at the moment. Please be careful.
PT – Don’t worry I’ve got this. When I’m finished honoring them the women of America will have to admit they’ve never been honored like this before. It will make Mother’s Day look like Income Tax Day.
MT – Oh Schmoopey, that’s a lot of honoring.
PT – You bet it is. Now get in touch with the Republican wives and I’ll get in touch with the Congress to get the ball rolling.
Scene 2 – 8pm the same day; White House broadcast studio; Vice President Pence is standing off stage; President Trump is sitting behind a desk in front of the cameras; technicians and hair and make-up staff are bustling around him; The President looks into the camera and gestures to roll and the crew backs away and the broadcast begins.
PT – Good evening my fellow Americans. Tonight, I only want to speak to the women. You men get lost. Go play sports or work on your cars.
Ladies I am here to discuss a very important subject. I want to talk to you about female role models. In the last forty or so years, crackpots have tried to tell you that women should want to be doctors and lawyers and presidents. This craziness was encouraged by the Communists because they wanted to destroy the family and by extension the country. And in order to do this they flooded tv with working women. Dana Sculley, Allie McBeal, Madame Secretary, all grim career women without any prospects of love in their lives. Well, unfortunately you all fell for it. Now the country is filled with incompetent women professionals who gum up the works in the courts, hospitals and government. On top of that you’re so busy screwing up the world you haven’t had time to produce many children. And the few that you do manage to produce are abandoned to become, at best, latch key kids, and at worst, sociopaths. Let’s face it you screwed up.
But the good news is I’ve worked out a solution. The government is going to step in and replace all these Hillary Clinton clones with good wholesome maternal women, in other words, TV Moms. We’ll start by setting up a new set of cable channels that will play Leave it To Beaver, The Donna Reed Show, Make Room for Daddy, The Honeymooners, Father Knows Best, Lassie and Ozzie and Harriet twenty four/seven. For the kids we’ll also include the Flintstones and the Jetsons. Of course, we will edit any of the episodes where the gals get a little too uppity.
And that’s just the start. We’re gonna replace Susan B. Anthony and that Indian chick on the coins with real role models for women. The mint will issue coins with the likenesses of Wilma Flintstone, Betty Rubble, Jane Jetson, Alice Kramden, Donna Reed, June Cleaver and many more. And finally after I grant a presidential pardon to Roseanne Barr I will force ABC to rehire her. How will I do this you might ask. Well Disney wants to buy Newscorp. And guess who has to approve that? That’s right, the US government or in other words me. How do you think that’s going to work if they don’t rehire her? Exactly. Now I know Roseanne is a fat, trash talking, progressive loud mouth but she’s seen the light of late and I’m gonna stick by her. It’s my intention to show up on the show in a cameo appearance every week and spend a longer stint on the opener, sweeps week and the season finale. Who knows? If I can convince the First Lady to guest star maybe we can even get Roseanne to lose a little weight.
And once we’ve got you ladies back on track I intend to begin an initiative to repeal the 19th Amendment. After all you ladies were responsible for both Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. It hardly seems necessary to say more than that. But we’ll discuss that later. For now, let’s just get busy moving you out of the office and back in the kitchen. Trump out.
(The broadcast ends and President Trump approaches Vice President Pence to speak.)
PT – Well Mike what’s the reaction so far?
VPP – I would say mixed. The Wahhabist Clerics on the Saudi Council of Senior Scholars have embraced your initiative. Rachel Maddow on the other hand drove a car bomb into the gate just now.
PT – Yeah, let’s call it mixed.