Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe – (MS); Lycra Spandexy – (LS); Producer Jorge – (PJ); President Trump – (PT)
Scene 1- 8am, MSNBC, Set of the Morning Shmoe talk show; the set is festooned with black streamers, in the center of the breakfast table is a poster sized photo of a morbidly obese pug dog;
MS – Welcome solemnly back from that tasteful adult diaper commercial break and it’s the saddest two minutes after the quarter hour I’ve ever experienced here at the Morning Shmoe Show. I’m your co-host Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed and here’s our co-host the lovely but deeply bereaved Lycra Spandexy.
LS – Yes, that’s right Shmoe. Very, very lovely and deeply, deeply bereaved.
MS – Exactly.
LS – Exactly.
MS – Lycra, maybe for the sake of any of the at-home audience who were in comas yesterday and didn’t hear the earth shattering events you could relate a synopsis of events leading up to this sad, sad day.
LS – No, Shmoe. Anyone too stupid or callous to educate himself to the scope and details of yesterday’s global catastrophe cannot be helped and must be allowed to perish from the earth, or at least be shadow-banned from Twitter. But I will say this, Mr. Toodles’ abduction, brutal murder and cannibalization is laid squarely at the feet of Donald Trump.
MS – Yes, absolutely. Trump’s support for the unnamed perpetrator (a rogue leader of an unnamed country with the initials NK) was what enabled this heinous crime. Any sensible President would answer this unspeakable provocation with a measured, proportionate response, namely, the total thermonuclear annihilation of North Korea, err, I mean NK.
LS – Yes Shmoe, that seems just. Even merciful if you consider it the right way.
MS – And by the right way you mean the left way. A truly progressive world view recognizes that the brutal murder of even one somewhat plus-sized American pug dog must be the moral equivalent of incinerating fifty million East Asian people who engage in dog eating.
LS – That’s right Shmoe, very, very equivalent.
MS – Exactly.
LS – Exactly.
MS – Oh for! … … … … …………………. Anyway, anyway we are demanding that Donald Trump immediately call off the peace process with NK and proceed directly to a full nuclear launch.
LS – Yes, warmonger Trump, do what you want to do anyway go directly to Def Jam 4.
MS – That’s DEFCON 1.
LS – Well, whatever channel it is on your remote go to it and start bombing those dog eaters. And I hear South Korea and China are also dog eaters so nuke them too.
MS – Uhhh, maybe we should slow down a minute. China is not only one of the larger nuclear powers with a population of over a billion people, it also makes most of the stuff we live on.
LS – Really Shmoe, really? Is that all you care about Mr. Toodles? I mean, just because there is a small chance that you will get nuked, you let dog eaters roam the earth free, chowing down on chow-chows as the mood strikes them?
MS – Hey, just wait a second. I go along with almost all of your nutty crap day in and day out. Cut me a little slack when I don’t want to go beyond the partial annihilation of the planet over one dog.
LS – One dog? Mr. Toodles? After all he did for you? Do I even know you at all?
(as a staccato exchange of bickering breaks out between the married co-hosts, Producer Jorge, interrupts)
PJ – Lycra, Shmoe. I hate to interrupt but we have Donald Trump on line one.
LS – Put him through! I want to tell him what I really think of him.
PT – Hello Shmoe and Lycra. I see you’re engaging in your usual nutbaggery.
LS – Go to hell Trump. We won’t let you divide us.
MS – Exactly!
LS – Exactly!
MS – (audibly grinds his teeth but shakes it off and continues) What do you want Trump?
PT – I called up to broker a peace treaty between the two of you and my friend Kim Jong Un.
LS – (starts screaming incoherently then yells) Monster, murderer! You are responsible for the murder of Mr. Toodles.
PT – Calm yourself Lycra Spandexy, at your advanced age a stroke is always a concern.
LS – (once again starts screaming incoherently then yells) I am not old! I am young and beautiful and in the prime of my life as a powerful, talented and desirable woman.
PT – Sure, sure, whatever, now listen. Kim Jong Un called me up last night and told me all about the joke he pulled on you two. It’s not widely known but he has a very wry sense of humor. He took your morbidly obese and pop-eyed canine and brought him along on his flight back to Pyongyang. The dog is well, or as well as he was when taken, and will be returned to you unharmed in return for an apology.
LS – I’ll never apologize to that monster.
PT – Oh it’s worse than that. You have to apologize to me.
MS – What? Why would we apologize to you?
PT – Well you see, Kim thinks it’s beneath his dignity to negotiate with a leader whose own people hold in such low esteem that they insult him publicly. So, he is insisting that you two be made an example and forced to perform the equivalent of a North Korean show trial where you denounce yourselves through a long list of your thought and deed crimes. He reluctantly agreed that you didn’t have to end off by being summarily executed with a bullet through the brain paid for by your families.
MS – We’ll never do it.
PT – That’s your choice but the dog is still in North Korea and he is about oven-stuffer size. And the Korean Festival of the Garlic and Ginseng Stuffed Dog does begin next week.
LS – Don’t say no, Shmoe! We must save Mr. Toodles no matter the cost.
MS – Very well, you villain. We’ll do it. What must we say.
PT – Oh, don’t rush me. I’ll get back to you when I’ve got the script finished. I’ll just let Kim know it’s a deal and we’ll set up the broadcast in a day or so. And believe me when I say that what you’ll have to say will bring tears to those leftist blue state eyes of yours. Till then rejoice. Your pop-eyed pooch was dead but now is alive again. Trump out.