Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Brett Kavanaugh (BK);
Scene 1 – White House West Wing; 5pm Monday; Oval Office
(President Trump seated behind his desk and Vice President Pence standing nervously in front of him)
PT – I tell you Mike, this Kavanaugh guy is a stiff. Those democrat hyenas are howling around him just waiting for the kill. He just sits there writing down all the gibberish they spout. I’ve got to do something.
VPP – Mr. President, what can you possibly do? I mean other than give him advice. It’s not like you can go out there for him.
PT – Mike, that’s genius. Get me the advanced weapons lab at MIT on the phone and tell that sad sack Kavanaugh to meet me in the White House basement tonight at 11 pm. This is gonna be great.
VPP – I need a new job.
Scene 2 – White House Nuclear Survival Bunker, 11 pm that night.
(Judge Kavanaugh entering through blast door sees President Trump sitting in a chair with electrodes attached to his temples and wrists. An empty chair is to his right and a technician is checking on the wires and reading an instrument panel.)
BK – Mr. President, you asked me to come. But I’ve goyour blood pressure by t a very long week coming up. Can this wait?
PT – Judge Kavanaugh, this can’t wait. I’ve called you here to help you get through these hearings. Brett, how would you say the hearings are going?
BK – Honestly, Mr. President, I’m extremely upset. The senators are acting extremely unprofessionally and I might add unfairly. I came very close today to gasping when Senator Blumenthal said you nominated me to help protect you from prosecution.
PT – Gasp? Why didn’t you laugh in his face?
BK – That would be unseemly. It would give them the moral high ground.
PT – Brett, look, you’re blowing it. The sharks are circling. They smell blood. If you want to keep from being borked something has to be done and right away.
BK – But what?
PT – Fortunately science has found a way. Do you remember those experiments they used to do where you could affect your blood pressure by watching a chart of it and trying to change it? Biofeedback they called it.
BK – Sort of. Why?
PT – Well these poindexters around us have a similar system where you can see the charts of your emotional output and mine superimposed and by watching it you can learn to copy my techniques. By doing this you’ll master my art of zapping weasels. It’s just that easy.
BK – It sounds insane!
PT – Please Brett, trust me. It won’t take long and before you know it you’ll be so confident that you can even sleep late tomorrow and have these coyotes cowed by lunchtime. You’ll probably be approved by Thursday.
BK – Well it would be a great relief to stop them from yelling at me so much. What do I have to do?
PT – Just sit down in the other chair and let them attach the electrodes and restraints.
BK – Restraints? Why restraints?
PT – That’s so you don’t move during the procedure. It throws off the calibration.
BK – But why aren’t you restrained?
PT – Oh, I’ve done this so many times before I’m immune.
BK – Oh. Okay.
(technicians apply the electrodes to Kavanaugh’s head and arms and then strap him tightly around the chest, arms and legs.)
PT – Okay, any last words?
BK – Whaaat?
PT – Just kidding. Hit the switch!
( On the signal, sparks shoot from the electrodes and arc across the faces of the President and Judge. Both are locked in grimaces from the current. Several seconds later the current cuts off and the two men slump in their chairs)
To Be Continued.