Dramatis Personae: Chuck Schumer (CS); Kamala Harris (KM); Richard Blumenthal (RB); Brett Kavanaugh (BK); Mitch McConnell (MM);
Scene 1: Capital Building, Senate Floor, Senate Confirmation Hearing for Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh
MM – I’m going to open up questions to Justice Kavanaugh from the Minority Party now. The approved agenda lists Senator Kamala Harris as the first senator. Please proceed Senator Harris.
KM – Good morning Justice Kavanaugh.
BK – Good morning Senator Harris.
KM – Justice Kavanaugh, I’m going to be blunt and to the point. I think your originalist pose concerning the Constitution is a sham. I accuse you of lying to this body and harboring feelings of racial hatred, misogyny and homophobia. I believe you are in league with this illegitimate President and your nomination is an act of treason that should be punishable by death. Well what do you have to say to that?
BK – Oh, did you say something? I’m sorry I was checking the box scores from the baseball games yesterday on my phone.
KM – How dare you disregard the questions of this august body.
BK – You mean there was a question in there? I thought you were just letting off steam. Look, I know you’re not very bright. I figured if I just let you blather on for a while you’d eventually wander off and have sex with some power broker or other in the area. Is Willy Brown still alive? Have you moved on to the other Willy yet?
KM – That’s assault, that’s assault. Someone, arrest him.
BK – No, it’s not assault. Trust me I’ve written the book on it.
(Kamala Harris flees the room screeching and waving her arms over her head.)
BK – Bye Kam. Next!
MM – Justice Kavanaugh, this is highly unorthodox!
BK – Sorry Senator, I lost ten bucks on one of those ballgames and it really rankled. I’ll try to be nicer for the next chump, I mean Senator.
MM – Senator Blumenthal has the floor.
RB – How dare you Kavanaugh! How dare you! Senator Harris is a rising star of the Senate and the voice of a new generation in America. I feel like coming over there and striking you across the face.
BK – Now hold on, Blumenthal, as is my right as an American I do adhere to the second amendment and practice concealed carry and now that you’ve threatened me, if you take one step toward me I’ll be forced to put two rounds through your center of mass. And it is a .45, so think for a second. I mean I’d hate to do it. You already look dead so it would sort of be like shooting a stuffed animal. I mean, sure it’s good target practice but kind of unfair. And for the record are you one of the undead or some kind of animatronic manikin? You look awful. Why don’t you follow Kamala outside I hear you’ve got cash.
(Senator Blumenthal dodders out of the chamber and collapses at the chamber doors. An EMT team trundles him out on a gurney.)
MM – Please Justice Kavanaugh, I’ve got to work with these people!
BK – Sucks being you. But, hey I’ll be nice if they will. Scout’s honor.
MM – Alright Senator Schumer you’re next on the list.
CS – Ahhh, well ahhh.
BK – Hi Chuck.
CS – No further questions. I move we take it to a vote.
MM – Sold. Alright Justice Kavanaugh, you are excused now. And please, could you skip the State of the Union addresses for the next couple of years? Some of us old folks have weak hearts.
BK – Believe me Mitch. I could use the distance too. You really should have this place steam cleaned or something. It’s like a biohazard around here. Well, bye!