Link above to first episode
Dramatis Personae: Melania Trump (MT); President Trump (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Brett Kavanaugh (BK); James “Mad Dog” Mattis (JM)
Scene 1 – White House West Wing; 8 am Monday; First Lady’s Office
(Seated across from each other at a small conference table are First Lady Melania Trump and Vice President Mike Pence)
MT – Help me President Vice Mike, you’re our only hope.
VPP – Of course First Lady, but please calm down. It can’t be as bad as that.
MT – Oh, it is much, much, worse. Schmoopey has grown bored with me.
VPP – Schmoopey? Is that your dog?
MT – Schmoopey is my pet name for Donald. You know, your boss.
VPP – Ah, yes that’s right, the name you call each other.
MT – Yes, and he hasn’t called me that in a week. And at night he brings books to bed, books without pictures. And he has a yellow highlighter. And he has stopped tweeting.
VPP – Stopped tweeting? You’re right. This is serious.
MT – Help him Mike. Help him to be Schmoopey again.
VPP – First Lady, you can depend on me. The nation needs that indomitable spirit and free-tweeting, devil-may-care attitude to save us from the giant white pantsuit tyranny of Hillary Clinton.
MT – Yes Vice Mike, you are a great friend, even if you will not shut the door when we are alone.
VPP – Sorry, ah, force of habit.
Scene 2 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, same day 10 am
(President Trump at his desk, dictating a letter to his secretary, while Vice President Pence is seated in front of him.)
PT – Hold on a second Mike. I just want to finish this thought.
(dictating) … In conclusion, President Kim, I will agree to remove all American troops from Korea and provide the two trillion dollars in aid if you promise that afterward you will return the money and allow the return of our troops if after a year we are dissatisfied with your progress. It will be as you called it, your version of the Amazon.com service guarantee.
Donald J. Trump
VPP – Oh, Mr. President, we’ve got to talk.
PT – Mike, old friend, what seems to be the problem.
VPP – Mr. President, something’s wrong, you’re not yourself.
PT – Oh well, it’s that procedure I went through with Brett Kavanaugh. When I decided to exchange temperaments with him I never realized how liberating it would be for me! Why I feel so relaxed and sane.
VPP – But sir, the Democrats are hammering you in the press and without your patented Twitter counterattacks your message isn’t getting out and your poll numbers are sinking.
PT – Well, you know what they say, sticks and stones. Wouldn’t it be better to win in the eyes of the best and brightest? I mean for all we know they’re right.
VPP – But Mr. President, Mueller is sure to see this as a sign of weakness and he’ll subpoena you for sure.
PT – Well what of it. I have nothing to hide and if I have committed any offenses shouldn’t they be exposed to the judicial light of day and adjudicated fairly and honestly?
VPP – Mueller? Fair and honest? ……….. Hey listen, you numbskull, I didn’t sign on to be Ford to your Nixon. We’re gonna reverse that brain drain and get you back to the evil reptilian genius that we all know and love.
PT – Well okay, but there’s no reason to shout. Just let me get my sweater, it’s cold down in the bunker you know.
Scene 3 – Vice Presidential Residence, 3 pm same day
(Vice President Pence is sitting in the living room with Brett Kavanaugh)
VPP – Thanks for coming Justice Kavanaugh and congratulations on being confirmed to the Supreme Court.
BK – Oh, that. Yeah, well, I changed my mind. Being locked up with that Ginsberg mummy until she keels over doesn’t sound like a laugh riot anymore.
VPP – But what will you do?
BK – I’m considering Mixed Martial Arts. But there’s also a combat role in Kurdistan that caught my eye so I don’t know yet.
VPP – Well, that sounds great. But just to show there are no hard feelings the President and I want to invite you to a farewell party. It’s at the White House tonight.
BK – Sounds like a snooze.
VPP – Well, Ronda Rousey’s gonna be there.
BK – Sold!
Scene 4 – White House Bunker, 11 pm, same day
(President Trump, Vice President Pence, three white lab-coated technicians, a platoon of marines and Defense Secretary James Mad Dog Mattis are inside the closed bunker door. Loud techno dance music is blaring and a disco ball is spasmodically turning near the ceiling.)
VPP – Alright does everyone know their parts?
JM – It seems clear. You answer the door and when he steps in my marines overpower him and tie him to the chair. The technicians apply the electrodes and the transfer proceeds.
PT – But what do I do?
VPP – Oh go sit in the other chair and keep quiet.
PT – Fine, but you don’t have to be all mean about it. Geez.
VPP – Alright quiet, I see him coming in the camera. Places!
(Pence opens the door and hands Kavanaugh a drink and ushers him in.)
VPP – Brett! Good to see you made it.
BK – Mike I can only stay a few minutes, can Ronda go for a ride in my Porsche?
VPP – Get him!
(With some difficulty, the marines overpower Kavanaugh but eventually he’s tied to the chair and outfitted with the electrodes.)
BK – Pence you rat! I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I ever do. I’ll shred you with my bare hands. Your own dog won’t know you!
VPP – Hit the switch!
(The procedure ends and the two men are slumped in their chairs.)
JM – Did it work?
PT – Where am I? Hey untie me you boobs. I have a treaty with that little maniac Kim to renegotiate. Two trillion dollars? He’ll pay me two trillion dollars.
BK – Where am I, why am I dressed this way. Oh boy, I said some things I shouldn’t have, didn’t I.
PT – Calm down Kavanaugh. It all worked out fine. Don’t get your judicial robe all in a knot.
VPP – Welcome back Mr. President.
PT – It’s good to be back Mike. But, by the way, I remember everything you said. Numbskull? That’s gonna cost you Mike.
VPP – I meant Schmoopey?