Dramatis Personae – President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT);
Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, 8am Monday
(President Trump seated behind the desk, shouting toward the open door)
PT – Mike … Mike …. MIIIIIIKE !!!!!!!!
VPP – Right here Mr. President.
PT – Pence, what the hell? Am I in this alone?
VPP – (mumbles under his breath, “oh if only!”) No sir, here I am front and center.
PT – Okay, whatever. Look I need your expertise on a social policy idea I’m working on.
VPP – Certainly. What can I do?
PT – So you’re from Idaho.
VPP – Indiana.
PT – As I said you’re from the sticks and you people follow the Bible like it was GQ.
VPP – Uh, where is this going?
PT – Well at the confirmation hearings for Brett there were some psycho chicks who were dressed up as Amish, or so I thought. Turns out they were supposed to be characters in this mini-series called “A Handmaid’s Tale.” So, I watched it and I gotta say I think they’ve got something there. First off, it’s got that really cute gal from Chuck and that can’t be bad. And they’ve got all the most annoying broads wrapped up in sacks and keeping their yaps shut. I mean I think they’re onto something there! Well anyway, I want to get some more information on this concept.
VPP – Mr. President, I haven’t been watching that show.
PT – I don’t mean the show. I want to know how this works in real life.
VPP – but it isn’t real life. It’s a work of fiction.
PT – Yes, but it’s based on your book, the Bible, right?
VPP – Mr. President, that show is a polemical work meant to slander people of Christian faith and portray us as unenlightened despotic tribalists.
PT – What are you saying, that you don’t wanna shut them up? I mean come on! Isn’t that what you guys are always talking about? Don’t you wanna wear the pants in the family anymore?
VPP – Well, sure but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
PT – See, that’s your problem. You know what you should do but you’re scared of what the broads will say. You’ll never be boss, you’ll never be a leader if you can’t say what you mean.
VPP – Okay, so maybe you’re right about that, but you must see that the world portrayed in that show is a horribly unjust world where women are enslaved.
PT – Well as you say it’s rigged to look like that by your enemies. But what if it’s brightened up? You remember those old shows like “Father Knows Best” and “Leave it to Beaver.” They kept the gals on a pretty short leash but no one was yelling Hitler at them back then.
VPP – Well that’s kind of true, but times have changed.
PT – Times may change but people don’t. The things that made people happy back then still do. It’s all how you sell it.
VPP – So you’re going to put on a sweater and smoke a pipe and tell America to do their homework and get to bed early?
PT – Of course not. They know I’m not Ward Cleaver. They think I’m Caligula. But you actually are Ward Cleaver. For Pete’s sake, you won’t even go in a room alone with a woman. You’re the guy they think should be running the country. We just have to figure out a way to defang the harpies so they don’t castrate you the first time you try to rein them in.
VPP – Well that hardly seems fair.
PT – Please, do you remember that time you tried to pass that defense of religion thing in Idaho?
VPP – Indiana! Yes, I do. ……… You’re right. What can we do?
PT – Relax. By the time you’re President, you will have passed the many challenging tests in the Trump University course work on being the boss. By the time I get through with you even Rosie O’Donnell will be afraid to mess with you. And let me tell you that’s one tough pant-suited sumo wrestler. But anyway, we’ve got to start putting together the plan for this Handmaid stuff. I mean, we don’t want to do all that stuff about women not being allowed to read but we do want to start reminding them that raising kids is a hell of a lot more important and fun than being a blue-haired cat lady who crafts power point presentations that middle management sleeps through. And that’s what I need your help with. This is definitely one of those heartland things. We need to find some people that still believe in this stuff and put together a marketing campaign about them to sell the rest of the country on getting back to basics. You know, Ronny’s Morning in America thing. We’ll use it to energize the mid-terms and get people thinking that the economic surge can be used to spark a social revival.
VPP – You know, that actually makes sense.
PT – Don’t be so shocked. So anyway, get out that Bible and let’s see if we can flesh out this campaign.
VPP – Father forgive him he knows not what he says.
PT – Yeah, I do!