Dramatis Personae – President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT);
Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, 8am Wednesday
(President Trump seated behind the desk, with Vice President Pence in a chair facing him)
VPP – So let me see if I understand this Mr. President, you want me to advocate for today’s feminist, godless, sex-obsessed women to forsake their materialistic and anti-traditionalist ways and embrace modesty, chastity before marriage, motherhood and deference to their husbands.
PT – Well sure, if you say it like that it sounds like a snooze. But if we put the Mad Men to work on this we can make it sexy as hell and they’ll be breakin’ down the doors to sign on. Remember, young people are idiots. Think of the incredibly stupid things they buy into. You can convince them that a guy in a dress is a woman and that Obama is smart. So if you give them something that actually works and just convince them that it’s edgy and original you could stampede them to the altar in a mob.
VPP – Don’t you think it’s dangerous to manipulate people about something as serious and vital as marriage?
PT – Look, we’re not trying to scam anyone, it’s your job to get the sequence and the motivation all straight. Make sure they wake up from the millennial malaise they’ve been immersed in and commit to something that gives meaning to their muddled existences. It’s up to me to make the sales pitch compelling and hook them.
VPP – Well I sort of see what you mean sir, but there are other considerations that could make all this moot. For instance, nowadays it takes two incomes to survive and where does that leave our happy couple who want to raise a family?
PT – Way ahead of you. That’s part of the bait I’m putting on the hook. I’m going to propose that the federal government will rig the tax structure to provide married couples that want a stay at home mom to raise their kids with a matching credit to match the husband’s salary. And this credit will continue until the kids are eighteen or even twenty-two if they take a useful college or vocational program.
VPP – But that will cost trillions!
PT – Yep. But we’ll be couple it with the end of welfare. No more single women raising children on welfare. Any man who fathers a child will pay for it and unless he’s in prison he’s going to live with his family. And with the women staying home with the kids men will be in demand again in the job market. Salaries will rise and eventually we won’t even need to tilt the tax code very much.
VPP – You’ve thought this through I can see but I must confess I can’t imagine how you’ll make old fashioned marriage sound good to millennials.
PT – Actually, I’m gonna let Ivanka and Melania do most of the work on recruiting these young idiots. And all you really have to do is convince the girls. The boys will follow them like moths to a flame. I was thinking of something along the lines of Momma Melania’s Match Making Service.
VPP – Have you spoken to the First Lady about this idea?
PT – Not yet, but how could she refuse to save her country from childless collapse. In fact I’ll call her now. (gets up from the desk, walks to and opens the door and starts shouting into the corridor) Schmoopey, Schmoopey. Schmoopeyyyyy!!!!
MT – (entering from the hallway) Schmoopey stop shouting. The picture of the Obama fell off the wall.
PT – I need your help. We must save American womanhood from barren, childless loneliness.
MT – Oh no you do not. You are staying right here. No more Stormy the pornos for you or I will make you very, very sorry and the Secret Service will be too, too late to save some of you.
PT – No, no Schmoopey, I need you to teach the young women of America how to be good wives and mothers.
MT – Oh, this I can do Schmoopey. I am full of the mother stuff. I will teach them about make-up and shopping and finding a good maid. I will need to freshen up my wardrobe to do this right. Maybe three million dollars?
VPP – Just like Martha Washington.
To Be Continued …