The recent allegations against Supreme Court nominee Kavanaugh has forced me to accept a very bitter pill. I could never withstand the vetting process to be a Supreme Court Justice. Now you might retort, “But photog,you don’t want to be a Supreme Court Justice and you’re not a judge, in fact you’re not a lawyer, and to be brutally honest, you’re a completely unqualified vindictive jerk.” So who asked you to be brutally honest? But anyway let’s suppose for the sake of argument that President Trump selected me for this great honor. It would be only a matter of time before Camera Girl would be harassed by Mueller until she finally flipped and accused me of some kind of sexual mopery-dopery. After reading the description of what Kavanaugh’s harpy is accusing him of I realized that what I was up to at that age was ten times worse. Now granted, at the time I somehow brainwashed Camera Girl into thinking that she was complicit in this patriarchal mating ritual but without a doubt I would be flung into the outer darkness with much wailing and gnashing of teeth if those records were uncovered. But in my defense it was the 1970s and Animal House had recently come out and we were both seventeen and you know what I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Seriously, reading what was alleged to have gone on sounds like every make out party that ever happened since Adam first played doctor with Eve. I’m assuming if this gal ever managed to get married she was blind-sided on her wedding night to discover that her new husband was expecting her to engage in sex with him. She probably called 911 and demanded a SWAT team to extract her from the bridal suite. I guess from now on every time the Democrats want to up-end a Republican Supreme Court nominee they will find some strident feminist shrew that went to school with the nominee and she will channel her inner victim and morph some attempt at a clumsy pass into an encounter with Jack the Ripper.
It should be interesting to see if the republicans have the smarts to move through this quickly and get the vote in during the time table that they’ve laid out. What should be interesting is if some facts emerge to make it clear that the accuser is a partisan hack that was selected because of her willingness to fabricate a story that will be extremely hard to prove or disprove and thereby raise doubts in the minds of spineless Republican Senators.
So anyway I’m late for an appointment with a defense attorney who will help me trick Camera Girl into signing a pre-emptive waiver against any claims of sexual skullduggery from the beginning of time all the way up to the Final Trump. We’re going to try and convince her that she’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes and her signature will release all twenty five million dollars of prize money. Wish me luck, oh my brothers.