Academy Awards 2019 – Wake for the Woke

Dramatis Personae:  Ellen DeGeneris (ED);  Rachel Maddow (RM);  Caitlyn Jenner (CJ);

Scene 1: Announcer’s Booth at the Dolby Theater, Rachel Maddow, Ellen DeGeneres and Caitlyn Jenner hosting the PBS Oscars preview broadcast.

RM – Hello Woke Resistance America.  I’m here with Ellen and Caitlyn to cover the first completely hetero-male purged Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Awards.

ED – And what a liberating experience it is.  Not to have to deal with the male gaze.

CJ – Sing it sister.

RM – Whoohoo!

ED – Oh yeah.

CJ – And finally the Oscars are free to explore films about real people instead of restricting topics to dated stale paradigms.

RM – Well this isn’t the first time that will be possible.  Remember last year we had the fabulous, “Call Me by Your Name.”

ED – Yes, indeed and in 2017 we had the diversity rich, “Moonlight.”

CJ – At this late date must I remind you of the damning circumstance that neither of those films had a single transgendered character?

RM – True, but both were groundbreaking positive portrayals of gay people overcoming the hurdles that a judgmental world places in front of them.

CJ – How can you begin to compare the trivial annoyances of being gay to the titanic struggle of being trans?  I mean it’s unthinkable.  It’s almost as if you are transphobic or something.

RM – What?  Are you nu …   I mean no, no, no.  I’m so pro-trans it isn’t even funny.  Some of my best friends are trans.

ED – Me too.  Not like # metoo but as in, I also.  I’m a big trans-fan.

RM – Right sure.  You’ve really straightened me out about this.  But not that kind of straight.  I hate straight.

CJ – But I’m straight.  Do you hate me?

RM – How could you be straight?  You’ve had your penis removed.

CJ – But I’m a trans-woman.  Being straight just means I like men.  Are you doubting I’m a woman?  Because that would be trans-phobic.

RM – No, no.  I was just a little confused on the terminology.  Now I get it.  It’s all good now.

ED – Sure straight’s great.  It’s all good.

CJ – Hmmm, I’ll have to think about how I feel about all this but for now let’s move forward with the show.

RM – Absolutely.

ED – Yes let’s.

CJ – So the nominees for best picture are truly exciting and run the full gamut of artistic expression.

RM – It’s interesting that this year the Academy didn’t announce the nominees ahead of time but will reveal them as the award is being announced.  As a member of the Academy you know the list of nominees.  Can you tell us a little bit about their plots?

CJ – Certainly.  The first nominee is called “Unhealing Wound.”  It’s the story of a trans-woman coming to terms with the endless pain and psychic agony of hormone therapy and vaginoplasty.  This movie celebrates the bravery and specialness of trans-women.

RM – Hey that’s really something.  How brave.  How solemn.  That will be on my top ten for March.

ED – I’m there for sure.

CJ – The next movie up is “Man Enough.”  It’s the fictional account of the first trans-man in the Navy Seals.  It follows this extraordinary man as he battles arbitrary requirements of the transphobic military traditions to soar to the top of his field.  And he knows that he has finally arrived when he is joined by his fellow Seals writing their names in the snow during a training maneuver in Alaska.

RM – Inspirational, truly solemn.

CJ – It’s a musical comedy.

RM – Oh.   …  Brave then?

CJ – Sure why not.  Next up is the top contender for the Oscar.  It called “Made for Each Other.”  It’s the story of a straight married couple who get swept up in the excitement of transgenderism and become a transcouple.  This is also a musical although not a comedy.  There is a thought-provoking scene on their trans-honeymoon night where they bravely face the challenges of a trans/trans sexual relationship when they sing the duet, “Your Guess is as Good as Mine.”

ED – It sounds magical.

RM – I’ll bet the Chicago Tribune raved.

CJ – Absolutely.  And the last entry is a science fiction film about the first trans-gendered robot called eloquently AC/DC.

ED – So cutting edge.  I’m sure the special effects are ground breaking.

CJ – It’s in 3D.

RM – You know Caitlyn, these movies are just amazing and groundbreaking as well.  But I’ve detected a trend.

CJ – What’s that Rachel.

RM – Every single one of them is about transgendered characters.

CJ – Yes.  So?

RM – Well, don’t you think that there’s a danger of over-representing a very small proportion of the population and thereby losing the interest of the general public.

CJ – Nonsense.  The public is clamoring for trans-themed entertainment.

RM – But what about representing the rest of even the LGBTQ community?  Where are the lesbian and gay characters?

CJ – Stop being reactionary.  The debate is over.  It’s been decided.  Since the first ninety years of Oscar were essentially transgender phobic the next twenty years need to be exclusively transgender themed.  It will be fabulous.  It’s even being renamed the Olivias and the statuette will be put on hormone therapy immediately.

ED – Well there you have it folks.  Caitlyn has introduced us to the brave new world of the Oscars, I mean Olivias and we’ll go live to the ceremonies already in progress.  Speaking for myself, Caitlyn and Rachel, … uh where did Rachel go?

CJ – She just bolted and mumbled something about heading over to FoxNews.

ED – Oh, okay.  Well from me and Caitlyn, goodnight and have a brave tomorrow.

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