Announcer (who sounds amazingly like the late Don Pardo): We interrupt your usual sad programming to bring you an important message from the President of the United States.
President Trump: Good evening my fellow Americans and also, you tens of millions of criminal aliens living among us. I’m here tonight to discuss something very important so put down your bong or your cannabis vape or whatever other brain killing device you prefer and listen and try to understand the words coming out of my mouth, you losers.
The Congress is refusing to fund the wall so I have no choice but to take care of the job myself. I have personally put in a bid on ebay for the Great Wall of China, which by the way isn’t all that great and my bid of forty million dollars was accepted so within the month hundreds of thousands of communist Chinese workers will shift from making Apple smart phones to building the wall on our southern border. You may ask how I can afford to get the wall for forty million when I told Congress I needed five billion dollars. Well it’s simple. All the tariffs I’ve enacted and all the competitive manufacturing happening in America has put a dent in the Chinese Dragon and the Little Red Book really is in the red now so they’ll work for peanuts or even fortune cookies so to speak. Interestingly enough the wall is much longer than our southern border so I’ll use the rest of the bricks to put walls around the sanctuary cities and starve out the inhabitants and deport the illegals as they exit.
And finally, I had ICE look into Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and what do you know? Nobody can find a birth certificate on little miss big mouth. So, I deported her to Mexico today and as soon as someone can prove she’s a citizen we’ll let her back in. But that’ll probably get me at least a few days of quiet. In the coming months I have several other projects that I will either self-fund or crowd fund depending on the circumstance. But either way I think keeping the government shut down is the way to go. I’ll be laying off most of the useless departments like Education, Energy, Housing and Urban Development. I figure in about eleven months the Democrats will be willing to talk turkey just about in time for Thanksgiving. Well anyway, I’m done talking so you can resume watching your brain rot and sucking down your daily dose of poison. Try to do something useful today you hopeless degenerates.