I better hurry this series along because the candidates are dropping like flies. In addition to such household names as Seth Moulton, Eric Swalwell, John Hickenlooper, Jay Inslee and Mike Gravel this week we lost the vivacious and vacuous Kirsten Gillibrand. I was hoping to feature the current holder of the Hillary Clinton Memorial Senate Seat from New York but alas it was not meant to be. Ah, well.
So, let’s not waste our chance to review the work of Newark’s own Spartacus. There’s no kind way to say this, he’s a doofus. Now mind you, he’s a graduate of Stanford, a Rhodes Scholar, with a law degree from Yale. So apparently, he’s a genius. But listen to him speak. He’s a certified doofus. It’s remarkable, when forced to speak ex tempore, without his teleprompter, he stutters and spits out fragments of thoughts and phrases. He was the mayor of Newark and claimed that he lowered the unemployment rate by two percent but a left leaning publication said it was actually 0.7%. When he left the job for greener pastures, the atrocious high school dropout rate and city murder rate in Newark were both still sky high. He’s the junior Senator from New Jersey and chances are he can keep that job in perpetuity with their voting record. But honestly, he’s a pretty dim bulb. But I want Cory to go as far in the contest as comically possibly.
Now, to be sure, I have a better chance of being the Democrat nominee in 2020 than Spartacus does. There is no way the DNC would allow Cory to be offered up as a burnt offering to President Trump at a debate. There wouldn’t be anything left. My guess is after a round of questions or possibly two rounds, Cory’s eyes would be bulging out and he’d bolt for the exit. As entertaining as that would be, I’m still holding out for Creepy Uncle Joe to get the nomination. So, I’m of the opinion that Cory will drop out of the race, put on his khiton, strap on his sword and battle the Roman legions a Metapontum like the true vegan, straight male, Thracian gladiator that he is. But he should last at least into round three of the Democrat debates so we have that to look forward to. Is Tony Curtis still alive? Maybe he can endorse him in a commercial that ends with his wonderful lisping tagline, “I love you Spartacus.”