American Greatness looks back at the Catholic Critics of Candidate Trump

I liked this article by Austin Ruse, “The Thoughtfuls vs. the Roughneck-in-Chief,” because it gives us a chance to review how the feared or predicted results by Catholics of a Trump victory compare to the actual occurrence.  Basically, Trump has exceeded the results for all republican presidents in my life time. I especially enjoyed the comparison of Trump’s Supreme Court assignment to W’s attempt to get Harriet Miers on the Court.  Very good review of the elitist attitude toward Trump.

 

Since my readers don’t always stop by every day I figured I’d paste this poll on each post for a while to see what folks call themselves.  This is the post the poll came from  Who Are We?

… And that got me thinking. Who are the people who read my blog?  I thought it might be fun to see what the cross-section looked like.  If you feel like saying what you believe in, feel free to leave a comment and/or pick a label from the poll below.  I think it might be interesting.

 

Total Votes : 13

Update on Who We Are – And a Listing of Right Wing Businesses

Well whatever labels my readers self-identify as I’d say the majority of them could be described as Contrarians because most won’t be persuaded to take the poll.  But that’s okay.  Nothing wrong with having an independent streak.

Anyway, so far, the small sample we have is dominated by libertarians of various stripes.  Next are the conservatives.  There’s one traditionalist (like myself) and even a Bernie Bro!

Conservative 3
Traditionalist 1
Libertarian 4
Ayn Randian 1
Ron Paul Follower 1
Bernie Bro 1

 

Of course, eleven is a pretty small sample size, so I won’t try to get too scientific about it, but I am encouraged that it’s not an echo chamber.  We have a pretty fair range of beliefs.  And I believe an even wider range is out there but not announcing themselves due to the fringe effect.  Actually I just made that name up now.  I’m sure social scientists have a technical term for this but I’m just a simple engineer so I don’t know it.  Anyway, what I mean is that as you get farther and farther from the center (on both sides) people become much more careful about announcing their ideologies out of a sense of caution.

Well, I’m enjoying seeing who’s out there so I’ll keep the poll going (even though the software I’m using is pretty ugly looking).

One of my readers thought it was a good idea to keep a list of conservative companies that provide various products and services that currently seem dominated by left wing companies or companies that are easily coerced by SJWs to sabotage right wing folk.  I agree with him.  I’ve set up a forum called “Directory of Right Wing Businesses” here’s the link http://orionscoldfire.com/index.php/forums/forum/directory-of-right-wing-businesses/

I started it off with Black Rifle Coffee Company.  Everyone is welcome to add a recommendation.  I’ll maintain the list and eventually format it for convenience.  And feedback on companies will be an important component.

Well anyway, I’ve been enjoying the feedback in the comments so thanks for that.  And for you photographers out there remember the photo forum is for you guys to link your stuff and talk gear.  Well, this is just a quick note.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are upon us and I hope to have more time around the holidays (well, when I’m not eating turkey) to blog and there seem to be all kinds of crazy things going on to keep our attention, but I want to make sure there are fun things to talk about too.  For any of you out there who are country music fans, I have a review coming up very soon on a new singer/songwriter who is pretty great in my opinion.  And since this is all nothing but my opinion I’ll try to link to some YouTube stuff of his that is pretty entertaining.  So, I’ll wrap this up.  Stay tuned to OCF and I’ll try to keep you folks entertained or at least occupied with my ravings.

Since my readers don’t always stop by every day I figured I’d paste this poll on each post for a while to see what folks call themselves.  This is the post the poll came from  Who Are We?

… And that got me thinking. Who are the people who read my blog?  I thought it might be fun to see what the cross-section looked like.  If you feel like saying what you believe in, feel free to leave a comment and/or pick a label from the poll below.  I think it might be interesting.

 

Total Votes : 13

 

Black Rifle Coffee Company

I followed a link on Vox’s page and read an article at Breitbart about Keurig dropping their advertising from Hannity because of his interview with Judge Moore from Alabama and it mentioned a coffee company run by veterans called Black Rifle Coffee Company.  One of their mottos is “Make Coffee Great Again” so you can guess which side of the fence they’re on.

Well, that got me thinking.  Currently I drink Pete’s Coffee and they’re a West Coast company and I’d bet my last doubloon that they’re as left wing as The NY Times.  I thought, why don’t I put my money where my mouth is?  So, I’ve joined Black Rifle’s coffee club.  Now this is a big move.  I drink a whole lot of coffee.  Camera Girl cold brews a quart of coffee every morning and then sends that with me the next morning in a thermos (hot of course).  This thermos keeps me alive and producing engineering at an industrial scale.  If my coffee fails me it might cause a rift in the space/time continuum serious enough to destroy all life as we know it or at least get me fired for falling asleep at my desk.  But I want to do my part for the cause.  I have now sworn off lefty coffee for life.  Add that to the NFL, The Simpsons, almost all Hollywood movies and television shows and the Dixie Chicks (actually that one was easy, they suck).  Let’s just call this my first foray into virtue signaling.  Actually, now I see why they do it.  It’s fun sticking your thumb in the eye of The Man (well girly man anyway).

I really think it’s time for someone to start putting together a comprehensive list of conservative alternatives to lefty products and services (and companies that invariably cave to lefty pressure).  I’d love to pass along cash to right wing folks who make stuff that I need to buy anyway.  Something like an Amazon Associates program for right wing stuff would be fantastic.  But of course, without the Bezos bias thrown in. If any of you folks have any suggestions for conservative alternatives for everyday (or special) commerce items please share them here.  It’ll take years to put a dent into the Google/Amazon/Facebook military industrial complex but as the Chinese say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.  Well, at least I think that’s what they’re saying, some of the r’s and l’s might have been dropped and I was crunching the crunchy noodles so I might have misunderstood.  Actually I think what he said was “please pay the bill and get out right away because we have a party of 24 and need to combine this table with a lot of other tables to form one big table.”

Well wish me luck.  This is serious business.  Without good coffee my existence would be a hollow mockery of living.  I would wander aimlessly from my desk to the cafeteria staring at the carafes of pencil shaving infused battery acid that they call coffee there and wondering how I managed to pass right through the gates of hell without noticing the inscription.

 

Since my readers don’t always stop by every day I figured I’d paste this poll on each post for a while to see what folks call themselves.  This is the post the poll came from  Who Are We?

… And that got me thinking. Who are the people who read my blog?  I thought it might be fun to see what the cross-section looked like.  If you feel like saying what you believe in, feel free to leave a comment and/or pick a label from the poll below.  I think it might be interesting.

 

Total Votes : 13

Make Yourself at Home – What’s Coming Up This Week and Stuff About the Site

I’ve been neglecting the photography side of things and the reviews this week and I’ll be getting back to that soon.  I took some photos in November that I want to post and I have a sci-fi movie review I want to do.  I might do a Trump vs … post on his trip to Asia.  I haven’t thought it all out but there must be comedy gold somewhere in a trip that includes Trump calling the president of a country short and fat.

I’m watching the slow returns on the Who Are We poll.  I wasn’t surprised to see a libertarian and an Ayn Randian among us but it was very interesting to see a Bernie Bro among my readers.  Look at that.  I’m a unifier and I didn’t even know it!  Well anyway welcome to you all, even you hard core Alinskyites and Stalinists.  If ping-pong could bring Mao and Nixon together then maybe photography and science fiction can heal the world’s divisions.  Or at least get more comments on my website.

By putting up polls and installing a forum section I’d like to encourage my readers to engage with each other and me.  I basically started this thing for two reasons:

  1. To have a place to say what I wanted about politics and social stuff without having SJWs tell me I was not allowed to talk.
  2. To find other people who wanted to talk about this stuff in a place where we were free to speak our minds. If I was discussing cameras and the conversation veered into laws on photographing public building I was sick and tired of reading a thousand-word rant about how the government was repressing Arabs and then when I objected having my comment deleted due to left-wing censorship.  Or if a Muslim guy shoots up a gay bar have to endure fifty diatribes against gun ownership but not be allowed to disagree.  I’ll bet there are plenty of photographers, sf&f fans and all kinds other folks who have had similar experiences.

So, be my guest.  Participate in the poll, leave comments and feedback on the posts and leave your own content on the forums, whether it be a political topic that you have an opinion on or some photo that you want to share or some movie or book idea that you want to share.

Since my readers don’t always stop by every day I figured I’d paste this poll on each post for a while to see what folks call themselves.  This is the post the poll came from  Who Are We?

… And that got me thinking. Who are the people who read my blog?  I thought it might be fun to see what the cross-section looked like.  If you feel like saying what you believe in, feel free to leave a comment and/or pick a label from the poll below.  I think it might be interesting.

 

Total Votes : 13

 

 

 

Trumpocalypse Reloaded

Has it already been a year since that marvelous day? It certainly went fast. And how has the world changed? Well, Hillary Clinton isn’t in jail. Liberal judges are still victimizing normal Americans for trying to be normal Americans. There’s no big beautiful wall on the southern border. And the New York Times hasn’t gone out of business. So, we’re not in heaven for sure.

But the world has definitely changed and there’s no going back. A very significant part of the right knows that the GOP establishment is a sham. These people know now that Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan aren’t interested in preserving conservative values in America. They are only interested in preserving their hold on power in Washington. It has become crystal clear that the GOP establishment and the Never-Trumpers in the media are much more interested in maintaining their monopoly on right wing voters than actually doing anything to make the country a better place for those voters. With respect to immigration, trade, jobs and leftist cultural attacks they are indistinguishable from Chuck Schumer and the New York Times. And these awakened voters won’t ever forget what they’ve learned. They say knowledge is power and it is. But there’s more to it than that. Just knowing why things happen the way they do banishes the confusion that leads to despair. You’re not always blind-sided by events. It allows you to plan ahead and avoid pain and protect yourself and those you care about. It allows you to know what is possible and avoid trying to do what can’t be done. It lets you be more at peace and it makes you more effective.

Donald Trump has given us the example of someone who doesn’t let the Left dictate the terms of engagement. He rejects their framing of events and uses their own methods against them. He has become the World’s Greatest Troll. Watching how day after day, week after week, every one of their pronouncements of the end of the Trump presidency turns into a nothing burger has shown me that once people stop believing fake news the Fake News Media loses almost all its power and just becomes a laughing stock.

Of course, candidate Trump was wrong about one thing he said. I am definitely not tired of winning. In fact, I’m getting impatient again. I’d really like to hear of another Supreme Court appointment and that tax bill passed and an executive order lowering the legal immigration quota to 200 people a year. But I’m also happy to let the President get things done in his own way. He has proven to me that he is perfectly capable of advancing his agenda quickly. And finally, I am worried about Mueller. I really don’t see why he doesn’t fire that man. He’s an enemy and he will do great harm if he’s not stopped. And while the President is at it he needs to give Sessions an ultimatum, start cleaning house in the Justice Department or clear out and let someone else do it.

So, as we begin year 2 A.T. (After Trumpocalypse) I am happy and energized knowing that the changes are as much in the people as they are in the government. We know who is helping and who is hindering us. And we know which voices to ignore (or mock) and which to heed. And finally, it was so much fun to watch all those YouTube videos from a year ago as all those liberal pundits lost their minds and hopes when the Trumpocalypse swept away all their dreams and left Hillary Clinton washed up like a beached whale rotting on the shores of Loserville.

 

Since my readers don’t always stop by every day I figured I’d paste this poll on each post for a while to see what folks call themselves.  This is the post the poll came from  Who Are We?

… And that got me thinking. Who are the people who read my blog?  I thought it might be fun to see what the cross-section looked like.  If you feel like saying what you believe in, feel free to leave a comment and/or pick a label from the poll below.  I think it might be interesting.

 

Total Votes : 13

 

 

 

 

 

Who Are We?

So I was reading a recent blogpost at the Zman called the Deadend Men. The gist of the idea was that the Never Trumpers over at National Review (NR) were digging in their heels and trying to preserve something that didn’t exist anymore.  Zman felt that the NR crew thought that they could bring back 1985 by pushing the globalist New World Order of the Bushes.  His point was that this whole mindset no longer related to the right-wing.  That it had failed to conserve anything and in fact basically played right into the Left’s hands.

Zman describes himself as part of the dissident right. This seems to be another name for the Alt-Right.  And then I was looking through the comments and saw people arguing about what flavor of conservative, nationalist, libertarian, or reactionary they were.  And it got me thinking.  What the hell am I?  I really wasn’t sure.  I seem to be defined as much by what I’m against as by what I’m for.  I’m for the American values that existed when I was born in the nineteen fifties.  I’m against all the stuff that has ground us down.  I’ll call myself an American Traditionalist.  Basically anything that was coined after that time was done badly.  I don’t believe in affirmative action of any stripe.  I don’t have guilt for being American or white or male or normal.  I think we should decide who comes into this country and how many.  And I think anyone who gets to become an American is beholden to learn our language, customs and laws, become an American and bring his children up as unhyphenated Americans.  And if you don’t want to do any of those things then go away.  I think this is the greatest country ever created and we should do everything in our power to keep it that way.  I think the government should serve us and if the IRS or the FBI or anyone else start coming after decent honest people they should be defanged and neutered.  That’s who I am.

And that got me thinking. Who are the people who read my blog?  I thought it might be fun to see what the cross-section looked like.  If you feel like saying what you believe in, feel free to leave a comment and/or pick a label from the poll below.  I think it might be interesting.

 

Total Votes : 13

The Pattern Seems Established

Warning:  This is a rant.  But I’ve had it with these fools in the FBI.

There seems to be a concerted campaign to attack non-leftist groups and individuals.  Between the Scalise attack, Las Vegas and this latest leftist maniac in Texas it now seems to me past the point of coincidence or even mass hysteria.  It seems that coordination is occurring.  This doesn’t have to correspond to a team working together.  It might come down to someone online proselytizing the leftist ecosystem toward mass violence and his message resonating with a certain profile.  Each of these individuals was radicalized against traditional or anti-leftist targets.  I don’t know anything about the guy who attacked Rand Paul so I won’t speculate whether or not he is just a nutty neighbor or not.  But these other cases are different.  These are kamikaze missions, intent on maximum casualties, maximum shock value.  This is leftist jihad.

If the FBI was any use they would use the much-vaunted data collecting and intelligence capability to identify the links that join these three men.  But instead they scratch their heads and declare it a mystery.  Look at the state of the Las Vegas investigation.  All they’ve been able to confirm is that he was a white man.  Meanwhile if you had unpaid traffic tickets from four decades ago they could probably track your every step over the last forty years.  If you missed a nickel on an Amazon tax bill they would roust you out of your bed to perp walk you down to the IRS office.  If you used the term lip balm in a phone call to your doctor you’d probably be added to a terror watch list.  But after three maniacs massacred innocent Americans by the scores they can’t find anything to tell us except “we’re investigating.”

And that brings us to Jeff Sessions.  What the hell is he actually doing as Attorney General, as head of the Justice Department?  Is this the best he can do?  Is he trying to get things done but is being thwarted?  If so, why doesn’t he fire these fools?  Is recusing yourself from the Russian investigation equal to sitting on your hands and not doing a damn thing?  I think Trump should fire this guy and get someone useful in the spot.  And it’s not just these spectacular cases.  The Antifa thugs should be rounded up and treated to a RICO action.  If they aren’t organized crime and domestic terrorism I don’t know what is.

So, the question is what’s next from these creeps?  Will they be blowing up St. Patrick’s Cathedral in NYC just to make a point?  What does it take to clue in the authorities that radical leftist terrorism is ramping up and is just as deadly as Islamic jihad?  I mean, we expected the Obama justice department to ignore leftists and BLM when they intimidated Americans.  Those were Obama’s shock troops in the cowing of a free peace-loving people.  But we thought Trump would re-establish the rule of law and order.  It appears that is not the case, at least not yet.  But if they don’t hurry up and fix things, it’s only a matter of time before action leads to reaction and things may start to spin out of control.  And that won’t be good for anyone.

As Goes Vin Scully So Goes the American Football Audience

Well, maybe not exactly but when even USA Today starts highlighting the NFL boycott by public figures the handwriting is on the wall.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/2017/11/05/vin-scully-i-never-watch-another-nfl-game/833765001/

My fervent hope is that Jerry Jones requires his player to respect the flag and that the differential in attendance and ratings between Cowboy games and the rest of the league wakes up the other idiot owners before they kill the NFL out of stupidity and cowardice.

But if they don’t, then let it burn.  It’s a good object lesson for those who take normal Americans for granted.  I wonder what an NFL linesman does when there isn’t any football to play.  Move furniture?  That must pay $4,000,000 a year, right?

Haven’t watched a minute all year and couldn’t be happier.  Baseball was good.  I’ll spend the winter learning a new skill.  And improving my website.  I think I’ll increase my donation to the Wounded Warriors.  They are the real heroes not those steroid laced clowns in the football jerseys.

Trump vs The Feminist Blind Spot

 

Scene 1: MSNBC studio set for the Rachel Maddow Show, the evening after the Academy Awards (The Harvies), Maddow and Ellen DeGeneres are seated at a table in the lounge area.

Ellen DeGeneres (ED) – Rachel I came as soon as I got your text.  I cancelled an interview with President Obama.

Rachel Maddow (RM) – Oh, you shouldn’t have done that.

ED – Nah, I was glad to skip it.  I’m so tired of being forced to make believe I want him to do that dance thing he does.  Even I know straight women don’t find it sexy.  Plus he’s got a new book coming out about community activism and my sponsors have warned me if my ratings get any lower I’m gonna have to find a side job as a rodeo clown.

RM – Breaking another barrier!

ED – Or several ribs.  So, what’s up?

RM – Well, after last night’s awards fiasco I tried figuring out how all this could have gone so wrong.  I mean we have Donald Trump on tape joking about sexual assault and not only isn’t he tarred, feathered and sent to prison but he waltzes into the White House.  Meanwhile all these great progressive Hollywood men like Harvey and Kevin turn out to be rapists and psychopaths.  I mean, I don’t get it.

ED – You’re right.  It doesn’t make any sense.  I’m a pretty close friend of Harvey’s and he never once came onto me or made a pass.

RM – Yeah, me neither.  Something doesn’t make sense.

ED – Well, what do you think can be done?  Maybe a march.  Different hats?

RM – No.  No more hats.  My look is weird enough without hat hair.

ED – Then what?

RM – I have an idea.  It’s pretty crazy but a good journalist needs to think outside of the box sometimes.

 

Scene 2: Next day, White House West Wing, President Trump at the Oval Office desk and Melania Trump entering the room.

Melania Trump (MT) – Schmoopy, guess who called for you.

President Trump (PT) – Schmoopy, I’m kinda busy right now for guessing games.  That Nork Rocketman just called me a pumpkin head so I’m trying to have Mad Dog reposition some satellite lasers to melt down his favorite Rolls Royce into a slag heap.

MT – Hey, you can play around with your silly toys later, I just had to spend five minutes talking to Rachel Maddow that I can never get back.

PT – I’m very sorry.  That is something that should never happen to a woman.  I’ll have the satellites melt her down instead.

MT – No Schmoopy, the melting would be bad for the publicity.  You must keep the dignity.

PT – Fine.  What did that loser want?

MT – She wants the interview.

PT – Her, interview me?

MT – Yes, Schmoopy, she said any conditions you have will be agreed to.

PT – It must be a trick.

MT – No not the trick.  She even cried a little.  It was very sad.

PT – Alright Schmoopy, I’ll make some time for her this afternoon.

MT – Thank you Schmoopy, this makes you greater than the Reagan again.

PT – Exactly.

 

Scene 3: Afternoon the same day, Oval Office, President Trump at his desk, Rachel Maddow seated facing.

RM – Thank you Mr. President, for your time.

PT – Right.  What do you want?

RM – As you know I am one of your harshest critics.  I find the fact of your presidency as one of the surest signs that America is a terrible and unjust place.  I find everything about you reprehensible.

PT – Check.  What do you want?

RM – I want you to tell me how you do it.

PT – Do what?

RM – Act like a sexist pig and get away with it when better men, progressive men are hounded out of public life for much, much less.

PT – You’re confused.  You’re combining different things into one category and wondering why the outcomes are different.

RM – Can you be more specific?

PT – Yes.  You’re a deluded imbecile who is confused about every aspect of human behavior.

RM – Can you do it without insulting me?

PT – It won’t be as much fun, but I’ll try.

RM – Thanks.

PT – I’ll give you some examples of things that you’re confusing together.  If some old guy in a university who has spent his whole life advancing science, let’s say some Nobel Laureate in Biology, someone who has cracked the genetic code and basically invented modern biology, a man who has often made a point of advancing women in science and even hired them in his lab, if he makes a joke about young women being a distraction in his work place, what happens?  You hound him out of his job, force every University to retract his awards, force an apology and then unperson him like some victim in Stalinist Russia.  What is his crime?

RM – Sexual harassment and misogyny.

PT – Wrong on both.  He has committed no crime.  Telling you the truth about how he reacts to having the Spice Girls invade his professional space is not sexual harassment.  It’s just being a man of his generation.  And as for misogyny, that’s not a crime.  It’s just a description of your perception of his relationship to women based on one statement.  And I’m guessing that his wife of forty years and his female relatives would probably dispute it too.

RM – But what does this have to do with my question?

PT – Keep listening toots and maybe you’ll get it.  Next example, if a microphone records me talking off the record to a Bush family operative about what women will allow me to do when they’re interested in dating a very rich man what is that.

RM – Proof of sexual assault.

PT – Wrong again.  Exulting in the social advantages of being a very, very rich man is not a crime.  If a woman is sexually attracted to rich men or even pretends to be in order to become associated with a wealthy man that is just one of the dynamics that exist between people in a free society.

RM – But what if she doesn’t want to be mauled by you?

PT – Do you remember anywhere in that tape where I said I force myself on any woman that wasn’t interested in that kind of behavior.

RM – How do we know you don’t?

PT – Because I’m smart enough to know I don’t have to and that it isn’t a good way to stay rich.  I’ve been married three times.  Basically, every time you try to separate yourself from a woman it’s going to be very expensive.

RM – Well, that’s cold-blooded but probably accurate.

PT – Sexual harassment is very expensive to hush up.  Ask your buddy Harvey Weinstein.  And speaking of whom, let’s conclude the list of examples with him.  And what is it when Harvey Weinstein invites an actress to his hotel room for a job interview, disrobes in front of her, and chases her around the room trying to corner her for some form of sexual contact.

RM – Attempted rape.

PT – Maybe.  But if she is an employee or a prospective employee it would certainly be the textbook legal definition of quid pro quo sexual harassment.

RM – Well, we finally agree on something.

PT – And that’s the problem.  We agree that the third behavior is sexual harassment.  You however think the other two examples are the same thing.

RM – But they are.

PT – And that’s why you can’t figure out why I don’t end up like the other two examples.  In the first example you have a man who works for a university filled with people like you.  They control the levers of power and unless you have a very good lawyer and lots of money they will destroy you by fiat.  In the case of Weinstein, society is in agreement that coercing an employee into sexual contact against her will is sexual harassment.  In my case you have two guys discussing how easy it is to score when you’re rich.  Now, granted, it’s kind of boorish, but it’s no different from a woman describing how she got out of a speeding ticket by making eyes at a traffic cop.  In neither case would you want your words to be recorded but we all use what we have to get ahead in this world.  Whether it’s a pretty face or a nine-figure bank account it has its advantages.  Is this starting to sink in?

RM – There is some sense to it.  But it is horribly unfair.

PT – You mean like life?

RM – Yes.

PT – Welcome to the human race, kid.  It’s full of surprises but unfairness is really not a surprise.  It’s base case.  So, now you see why you don’t understand what’s going on.  You think if something’s unfair somebody, and probably a straight white man is responsible and should be held accountable for it.  You’re blaming him for something that only God can fix.  And since you don’t believe in God you need someone else to blame.

RM – Hmmm.  You’ve given me some things to think about.  But one thing I don’t understand.

PT – What?

RM – How come you sound so normal and intelligent.  You’re very different in your public persona.

PT – We’re not in public.

RM – Oh.

PT – Alright Maddow, are we done?

RM – I guess so.

PT – Then get out.  I have an interview coming up with Hannity and I have to figure out how to incorporate the words “huge” and “greatest” into a discussion about orange juice production.  Oh, and by the way, if you’re hoping to get the ratings up on that show of yours it wouldn’t kill you to show a little cleavage.

RM – Pig!

PT – That’s the Maddow we love!  Now get out.

The First Annual Harvey Awards – The Hollywood Perp Walk

Scene 1: Announcer’s Booth at the Dolby Theater, Rachel Maddow and Ellen DeGeneres hosting the PBS review.

Rachel Maddow (RM) – Hello post-patriarchy America.  I’m here with Ellen to host the first rebranded Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Awards henceforth to be known as the Harvies.

Ellen DeGeneres (ED) – That’s right Rachel.  It’s been renamed the Harvey to commemorate the Harvey Weinstein catalyzed revolt of the womyn.  Even the statuette has been re-engineered.  It’s still a nude figurine but in honor of its namesake it is a rather pear-shaped satyr with his castrated genitals on the base near his feet.

RM – Amazing artwork, really.

ED – Yes, indeedy.

RM – Ellen, let’s reflect on the changes we saw earlier on the red carpet walkway.

ED – Yes, Rachel, let’s.  I thought it was very encouraging how all those strapless evening gowns and daring short skirts have disappeared from the runway to be replaced with sensible jumpsuits and snazzy tuxedettes.

RM – Yes, a breath of fresh air and so much fairer to some of our more mature colleagues.  And how about the hair styles?  I thought it was about time for Hollywood to rediscover the buzz cut.

ED – You said it sister.  Nothing like a number two buzz cut to get you out of the shower in less than five minutes.

RM – And the addition of the Burka Parade was both brave and empowering somehow.

ED – Yes, somehow.

RM – Yes.  Anyway, wasn’t it great not having to feel like some kind of display being gawked at by lecherous, lecherous men?

ED – Or lecherous, lecherous women!  We are the equal of men in every way you know.

RM – Exactly.

ED – Yes, exactly.

RM – Yes.  Now, where were we?  Oh yes, breath of fresh air.

ED – Yes, fresh.

RM – So as an update to the audience, just today it was decided that Jimmy Kimmel having a beard and a wife was unsuitable for this first Harvies broadcast.  So, in his place we’ve got Amy Schumer.

ED – Oh, that’s great.  She’s really funny and she has those fat jokes that are very funny.  But what about the swearing?

RM – Let ‘m fly!

ED – On ABC?  Disney?

RM – Don’t get wobbly now Ellen.  I am Womyn hear me Roar!

ED – Yeah, but I’m on ABC.  We can’t afford to lose any more viewers.  As it is I’m being payed per diem.  If I lose anymore base, I’m gonna have to move over to one of the loser channels like MSNBC.

RM – Hey!

ED – I mean CNN.

RM – Exactly.

ED – Anyway, why don’t we run down the list of Best Picture nominees.

RM – Yes, let’s.

ED – Starting with the hands down favorite, Ghostbusters.

RM – What a hoot.  It had everything, Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones.  And all of them were womyn!

ED – I think you’re right there Rachel.  I think they all were womyn.  Isn’t that something?

RM – Yes, indeedy.

ED – Now you’re using “yes indeedy?”

RM – sure I always use it.  I can be folksy.

ED – Oh, fine.

RM – Anyway, what about the other nominees?

ED – Well, actually that’s the only nominee that wasn’t pulled from consideration for linkage to a director, producer or major star involved in a #metoo accusation.

RM -But how can we have a competition if there is only one nominee?

ED – What’s the problem?  The rules say the nominee with the highest vote total wins.  Where does it say you can’t have just one nominee?

RM – But all the lead actors are womyn how will we select a Best Actor award?

ED – Oh, they were all eliminated.  We’re just gonna run the “Who Died This Year” clip instead.

RM – Hmmm.  So Best Director, Best Actress, Best Song, Best Cinematography all go to Ghostbusters?

ED – It looks like a good bet.

RM – Well, then even I think this seems kind of pointless.  How will we fill four hours of air time if all the awards are pre-determined?

ED –  The acceptance speeches.  Each winner will spend approximately twenty minutes ranting and foaming against the patriarchy and in particular, against the Men of Hollywood who have offended against us.

RM – Oh yeah.  That’s right.  This is gonna be good.

ED – Not to mention, at the three-hour mark there will be a forty five minute montage of all the #metoo victims and villains.  It’s gonna be great.

RM – But won’t that kind of alienate male viewers.

ED – Actually we don’t have any, except the gay guys of course.

RM – Oh, of course.  Plus, they can boo Kevin Spacey.

ED – That’s right.  It’s a win/win.

RM – Well, this actually is sounding pretty fabulous.  Now that we’ve conquered Hollywood and hold all the aces the future must look very bright.

ED – Well, actually this is also the last Harvies.

RM – Last? Why?

ED – Well without the male stars, writers, directors and producers the studios realized that no one would want to see the movies made by women.  So, they closed down the businesses and put their money into realistic sexbots.  Apparently, they’re where the smart money is going.

RM – Yeah, I guess we should’ve seen that coming.

ED – But what will all the actresses do?

RM – Work?

ED – What if they can’t?

RM – Well I hear the sexbot industry needs models to simulate sex to teach the sexbots.  Could they do that?

ED – Yeah, in a funny way that’s kind of what they’re good at.

RM – Well, Amy’s taking the stage for her opening monologue.  Good night PBS audience for this first and last Harvies Awards celebration.  Good night everyone!