Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 1
Beginning of story linked above
Dramatis Personae – Kasey – (KY); Stacey – (SY); Macey – (MY); TV Announcer – (TV); President Trump – (PT); Melania Trump – (MT);
Scene 1 – Living room of Kasey, Stacey and Macey, three mid-thirty something career women living the dream in a one room apartment in Manhattan and “loving every minute of it.” Tuesday night 8pm
(Kasey, Stacey and Macey are binge watching the whole run of the series “Girls”, all three speak with about the same extremely exaggerated “valley girl” rising pitch interrogative speech pattern.)
KY – Oh, this is that great episode with Allison Williams and her butt?
SY – Oh, that is the best episode?
MY – Oh, I love this episode? Hey, where did it go?
(point of view changes to face the tv screen and suddenly a test pattern interrupts the brilliant and tasteful representation of post millennial Sodom and Gomorrah)
TV – We interrupt this amateur proctological exam for a special message from the President of the United States.
KY – Oh, that’s so unfair?
SY – So totally unfair?
MY – This sucks? And not in a good way?
(the image of President Trump appears on the screen in front of a huge double heart pierced through by an arrow)
PT – My fellow Americans and more specifically fertile unmarried Americans. I come to you tonight to address a serious problem that is a threat to the future of this great nation. Namely, that you young idiots are too stupid and selfish to figure out how to get married and have children. If you were allowed to fail to reproduce it has the potential to cripple the future work force and devastate the society we live in. So as much as it pains me to actually interact with you losers, I your president, will step in and save you from your own imbecility.
So tonight, I am rolling out a new program. I am calling it Momma Melania’s Match Making Service and along with the tax and education benefits, I will sweeten the deal for the first million couples by throwing in a free obstetrics and pediatric plan along with a free box of Trump genuine imitation Cuban cigars for the doting new fathers.
(now Melania Trump walks into the center stage wearing a form fitting blue outfit adorned with red double hearts)
MT – That’s right, you women will no longer have to work at your horribly boring jobs, live in your teeny tiny apartments eating your ramen noodles and talking to your cats. Schmoopey, I mean Mr. President Trump will find you beautiful men with strong muscular arms and big shoulders and piles of gold. They will give you children by the sexy loving and you will raise these children and watch tv.
PT – Uhhh, sure. And you so called men out there. Here’s your one and only chance to escape from your parents’ basements and actually grow up. If you follow through on this deal and not only get married but manage to somehow produce offspring, I can guarantee that we will keep you employed and help you raise a family the way your fathers did it, with a living wage job and a stay at home mom for your kids. Now understand, nobody’s gonna be rich and nobody’s gonna marry Snow White. But let’s face it, you’re not exactly Prince Charming. If you were, you wouldn’t still be in the basement. But you are a generation that got the Bush/Clinton/Bush/Obama economic/cultural shaft. You bore the full brunt of industry off-shoring and industrial strength feminism, you poor bastards.
MT – Oh Schmoopey don’t be so mean to them, they will make very wonderful husbands for these women. So, ladies, throw away your birth control pills and burn your power skirt and buy a cookbook and an apron. Instead of being that sad, confused Lena Dunham you can be like me a happy, humble stay at home mom.
PT – So that’s what humble costs a month. ……. Well, anyway you people will have to work out the details yourselves. I’ve assembled a crack team of forensic psychiatrists to separate out any actual serial killers from the run of the mill psychopathic Americans so although we can’t guarantee Donna Reed and Jimmy Stewart at least you’ll probably survive the courtship. But this is a limited time deal so first come first served. Call the number on your screen and join the real world, you losers. Trump out.
(scene shifts back to the three girls watching tv in the living room)
KY – Oh, that Trump is such a jerk? We love Lena Dunham?
SY – Oh, he is such a sexist? Why would we want to have children, right Macey?
(Macey is reading the number off the tv and keying it in)
MY – Uh yeah, about that, I’ve been living here for ten years and if instead of living in this rat hole with the two of you, five cats and Lena Dunham, someone says I can have my own family then even if my new husband looks like Jo-Jo the Dog Faced Boy, I’m all in.
KY – Well, you will definitely be sorry? Won’t she Stacey?
(Stacey has begun copying the number from Macey)
SY – Well, I don’t want to get stuck with the real losers after the good slackers are all taken. Sorry Kasey.
KY – Hey, give me that number! I don’t even like cats.