Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 2

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 1

 

Scene 1: Bridge of the Aircraft Carrier USS Ronald Reagan positioned off shore from Washington DC.  Thursday 8AM EST.  In attendance Admiral Harmon (AH), officers and crew of the USSRR, President Trump (PT), Secretary Mattis (SM), Elon Musk (EM), General Adam Baldwin (GAD), Al Gore (AG), Hillary Clinton (HC), Barack Obama (BO)

 

PT – Okay Steve, we’ve got everyone here we’ll need.  Start the exposition.

SM – Mr. President, we’ll start with an update by General Baldwin on the current status of the ships above our cities.  Then Mr. Musk will review the status of his team’s scientific results.  Finally, former President Obama will speak as representative for the “Resistance,” whatever that means.

PT – Okay General, what can you tell us?

GAD – Mr. President, Gentlemen and Madame Secretary… (interrupted by Hillary)

HC – Stop right there you militaristic sexist Neanderthal.  It’s not Madame Secretary anymore it’s Mix Secretary.  Join the 21st century you deplorable despicable … (Trump interrupts)

PT – General, wait a second.  Admiral, have two seamen escort Hillary off the bridge and throw her over the side.

AH – Literally?

SM – Better hurry Harmon or you’ll be next.

AH – Yes, sir.

HC – You can’t do this!  I should be President!  I had more popular vote!  He’s not qualified!  He’s not the future, he’s the past… (voice receding into the distance as she’s dragged away).

PT – Barack, Al, any problems?

AG – Right there with you.

BO – She’s not who we are.

PT – Good.  Baldwin, continue.

GAD – As of this morning 0945 hours EST the three ships located over the continental United States have moved into position over New York City, Washington D.C. and Los Angeles.  Based on the decaying signal currently bouncing through our satellites we believe they will deploy their primary offensive weapons at 1200 hours EST.  Some cruise missile tests we performed earlier confirm that these ships are completely protected by a force field that protects them from all projectile weapons such as conventional explosives.  Unfortunately, we have also determined that this shield is effective against energy weapons such as lasers or even nuclear devices.  Essentially, nothing in the American military arsenal will have any effect on these ships.  The best we can do is hide our weapons assets to delay their destruction by the small fighter ships housed in the main vessels when they are unleashed.

PT – Sucks to be us.  Any comments?

AG – Mr. President, I suggest we send a negotiation team to the local ship here over D.C. and hammer out a deal to avert this looming catastrophe.  And because we are ideally suited to see all sides of a problem, that is why myself, President Obama, I mean former President Obama and Madame Secretary Clinton, I mean the assumed late Mix Secretary Clinton joined this meeting.  We feel that our well-known empathy for aliens of all sort will allow us to prevent this crisis from ending in bloodshed or the shedding of whatever vital fluid our extragalactic visitors possess.

PT – Wow, that’s a lot of corrections.  Does Gore speak for you on this Barry?

BO – I prefer to be addressed as Nobel Peace Prize Winning Light Worker Barack Hussein Obama, Donald.

PT – I’ll bet you do but you didn’t answer the question.

BO – Maybe not how I would have said it but essentially.

PT – Good, I want you two to contact the aliens and see what you can do before we let the bright boys loose on them.

AG – You aren’t going with us?

PT – Do I look crazy?  Look no one is forcing you to go there.  If I were you, I’d see if you can negotiate at a distance but if you enter that ship you only have until noon to broker some kind of truce.  After that we’re going to war.

BO – Don’t worry we’ll be finished well before that point.

PT – Good.  General Baldwin, have your flight crew outfit our ambassadors with flight suits and prepare them for their mission.

GAD – Yes sir.  This way gentlemen.  (Gore and Obama exit the bridge).

PT – Good.  Now that those two yahoos are out of earshot Musk, fill us in on what you’ve cooked up.

EM – Mr. President, my team has worked out the physics behind the shield device and we’ve developed a counter measure.

PT – You mean you can turn it off to allow us to attack?

EM – No.  Let me give you the specifics.  The shield works by absorbing the energy of anything that impinges on the ship being protected.  During the time the energy is being absorbed, the impacted area is opaque to the shield sensors.  The ship cannot detect a second attack occurring there for at least ten seconds.  During this time the shield is still immune to energy weapons even nukes because it’s still able to absorb energy but it is vulnerable to projectile weapons to the extent that material can reach the hull.  Now the hull is incredibly strong.  It’s literally 100 feet thick and made of hardened alloy, basically proof to projectiles of any type we could muster.  But if within that ten second we can hit this opaque spot with a projectile composed of tantalum we will form a coated spot on the hull that will block the action of the shield in that area.  We assume that after the initial energy has been absorbed the shield sensors will spot the dead spot on the hull and repair systems will scrape the tantalum away rather quickly.  We approximate the time to remove the tantalum as fifteen minutes.  But during that time, we have a spot on the hull that will succumb to a nuclear blast.  So, the sequence needed is:

  • Time Zero – Initial high explosives detonation
  • 1 – 9 seconds – Tantalum projectile impact
  • 1 minute – 10 minutes – 1 megaton thermonuclear device

Any questions?

PT – Yeah, Poindexter.  Is tantalum something you made up like unobtainium or does it exist.

EM – No Mr. President. It’s a relatively common material.  There’s probably a good amount of it in your cell phone in the form of a capacitor.  It’s a refractory metal with a high melting point and chemical corrosion resistance that resembles that of glass.

PT – Yes we’re all really happy about the wonderful qualities of tantalum but what I want to know is if you’ve got any we can shoot at ET today?

EM – What kind of wunderkind would I be if I didn’t?

PT – Oh Lord give me strength.  Fine, just provide the Air Force with the details of how to incorporate your tantalum slug into our cruise missiles.  And make sure the programming of the sequence is perfect on this first one or all of us are going to wish we were somewhere else really soon after.  And hurry we have about an hour.  Mattis, has the negotiating team been blown up yet?

SM – No sir.  Their helicopter was permitted entry into the ship.

PT – Were any service member aboard?

SM – No sir.  It was remotely piloted.  We kind of like our people to live.

PT – Oh good.  Any communication back from Gore and Obama?

SM – None sir.

PT – Alright forget ‘em. We’re out of time.  Admiral, if you’ve got a chaplain that carries a King James Version have him meet me on the top deck.

AH – Yes Mr. President.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 3

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 1

Scene 1: NORAD Base in Alaska, 02:30 Hours PST, Wednesday

General Adam Baldwin (GAD) – Alright Airman, this better be good. I was dreaming of my tarpon fishing trip in Florida when you woke me up so what’s so important?

Airman Jones (AJ) – Sir we’ve detected an enormous UFO in high earth orbit. Dozens of smaller objects are separating from the main body and moving in a coordinated fashion toward earth. Each object is about 10 miles in length and travelling at 5 miles per second but decelerating as they approach the atmosphere.

GAD – Great Caesar’s Ghost! They’ll reach us in just hours! Put in a call to the Secretary of Defense. The President will have to hear of this immediately.

AJ – Yes, sir, I’ve got a line to his office waiting for you.

GAD – Good work Jones. Wake up the morning shift duty officer. You’re gonna need more hands. My orders.

AJ – Yes sir.

 

Scene 2: White House West Wing, 6 AM EST, Wednesday, Secretary Mattis is speaking to Vice President Pence outside the Oval Office. President Trump can be heard calling from inside.

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mad Dog, get the hell in here. CNN is showing some really lousy video of space invaders and I think Wolf Blitzer just soiled himself. It’s beyond pathetic.

Vice President Pence (VPP) – (entering the room) Mr. President, if we can get beyond the unfortunate security leak, we have enormous decisions to make in a very short time.

PT – Yeah, I’ve already gotten a lot of it done. I tweeted to everyone in New York, Los Angeles and Washington to get out of town right away. That should buy us a day to get this mess cleaned up.

Secretary Mattis (SM) – Well done Mr. President. Might I suggest we take the opportunity to order all non-military federal workers to remain at their desks for the duration of the firestorm, I mean initial contact.

PT – Yeah, I did that too. Never waste a good crisis.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s monstrous!

PT – Not at all. It’s completely voluntary. I just told them that they’ll be earning triple time rates and mocha lattes would be free for the duration. Anyone who stays is too hopeless to care about anyway.

VPP – I think I’m in the wrong movie.

PT – Don’t worry, if I remember correctly you and the Joint Chiefs of Staff are killed when NORAD is obliterated tomorrow.

SM – Sucks to be you Pence.

VPP – You don’t know the half of it Mad Dog. But this sounds like a dream post so I’ll take my chances with NORAD.

PT – Whatever Mike. Just follow orders and I won’t have to send you up in the stupid flashing lights negotiations helicopter.

VPP – Yes Mr. President, enjoy your dream sequence. (leaves office and scene)

PT – Jim, I’m gonna skip that whole sequence where we send all our pilots to a horrible meaningless death against space ships protected by force fields.

SM – I’m sure they’ll be glad to hear it Mr. President but what will you do instead?

PT – I’ve got a little surprise cooked up for the homely buggers. What I need you to do is make sure the cruise missle fleet is ready to be targeted on a moment’s notice.

SM – That is easily arranged. But I hope you make it quick Mr. President, these guys are loaded for bear.

PT – Relax, compared to Hillary, these guys are the Three Stooges.

 

Scene 3 – Oval Office, Same Day, 9 AM, President Trump at the desk on the phone

PT – Look Thiel, I don’t care if you and Musk aren’t talking. I need you to get him and his geek squad on a telecon with me at noon your time. That’s right. And any other braniacs you know who can help me kick ET’s butt. Don’t worry the government won’t steal any patents in fact you guys are welcome to anything we come up with to solve this problem. Just hurry.
(hangs up the phone and gets on an intercom)

PT – General, get everyone out of the White House and onto Marine 1 immediately, except for that vegan pastry chef that Mrs. Trump hired. Tell her to work overtime and prepare something special for this evening. Yeah, exactly, a big surprise.

 

Scene 4 – Nevada, Area 51 Same Day, Noon PST, Clean Room Laboratory with large teleconferencing screen set up.

PT – Thiel, I wanna thank you for assembling this impressive bunch of brilliant but socially awkward science weirdos. Gentlemen your country welcomes you.
(various coughs, grunts and nasally sounding exclamations emanate from the A-V equipment)

Peter Thiel – President Trump, we’re all curious to know what needs to be done to save the Earth from this threat.

PT – It’s very simple. I need you dweebs to provide me with a heretofore theoretically impossible laser weapon powerful enough to punch through the impenetrable force fields of our super-intelligent but horribly smelly enemies out there. Oh, and I need it by tomorrow at 10 AM EST.

Elon Musk (EM) – But that’s ridiculous!

PT – Ridiculous like expecting to save energy by building electric cars that are charged off electrical grids that waste 40% of the energy in transmission losses? That kind of ridiculous?

EM – I get your point. We’ll have the weapon by 8 AM.

PT – Good, now go take your amphetamines and get to work you strange little spider monkeys. Trump out.
(the screens fade to black)

SM – What now Mr. President? Do you want to reach out to the mayors and coordinate humanitarian aid?

PT – Nah, the evacuation is strictly a precaution, the less efficient it is the less we’ll have to undo afterward. Besides most of those guys are commie jerks who hate my guts. Let them stew a little. It’ll do ‘em good. I’ve got a golf game scheduled in about an hour. I’ll see you in the morning.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 2

American Greatness Post for Today – Feminism Ruined the Last Jedi

The pseudonymous Wayne Isaac has reviewed “The Last Jedi.” Since I brought my grandsons to see “The Force Awakens” I knew I wouldn’t be going to this picture. Suffice it to say that it’s worse than I feared. It turns out the “Force” is actually estrogen and that explains why Jedi Knights are so screwed up. They’re plugged into the wrong power source. Or rather they’re just not equipped to be heroes. Who knew? We’ll have to let Alexander the Great and George Washington know. Boy will they ever feel foolish. Anyway enjoy.

Feminism Ruined “The Last Jedi”

What is The Trumpocalypse Missing?

I have to assume that from now until at least when Mike Pence inherits the presidency in 2025 there will be at least three crises every week in the Trump Administration. I’m not sure if guys like Bannon are under contract to break out into nuttiness or if it’s just the Call of Cthulhu.
And it used to make me fret. But I’ve long since cut the break cables and learned to enjoy the dizzying corkscrew plunge down the Trump Magical Mystery Hairpin Extravaganza. It truly is the “Greatest Show on Earth.” But this is a slow news week (sort of) so I decided to amuse myself by imagining what is crazier than what is actually unfolding in D.C. every day. What’s missing?
Well, the only thing missing is space invaders like the ones in Independence Day. I mean, why not? Sure, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum won’t help out Trump but he can get Adam Baldwin and then maybe add on Vince Vaughn. And Trump would be a much better President than Bill Pullman. First off, Trump really is President! Secondly, he wouldn’t be all whiney about using nukes. Why, just this week he was bragging that his nuclear button was bigger than North Korea’s button. So nuking aliens, no problemo. And finally, if a captured alien broke loose and killed our scientists Trump would not be trying to placate it into being our friend. He would very wisely tell Adam Baldwin to shoot it full of holes. Then he would send it back to the aliens in a big bottle of formaldehyde as a warning. Now that’s the way the movie should have gone. And another thing, Melania would be a much better First Lady than the one in Independence Day. If Donald tells her to get out of Los Angeles she won’t hang around and get caught up in the firestorm. In fact, she’ll probably be at home taking care of her young child like a good mother should.
Is there any doubt that Mad Dog Mattis would be a better Secretary of Defense than that loser in the movie? So, the biggest problem is Area 51. I’m guessing if there really were a secret alien spacecraft in Nevada then Obama must have handed it over to the Iranians as part of his surrender treaty. So, we’d have to start from scratch on counterattacking with their own spacecraft. Now Data from Star Trek, TNG wouldn’t be a conservative. Possibly we can get Shatner. He’s a Canadian but I think he’ll take any part he gets paid for. So, it actually makes sense to encourage the President to lure space invaders to Earth. Defeating them will encourage a camaraderie among surviving Americans. Also, let’s face it, only the Americans and possibly the Russians have an air force that would actually defeat space aliens. All those other countries would be essentially wiped out. And as sad as this would be, it would definitely have a positive effect on the American economy.
And finally, if New York, Los Angeles and Washington were essentially wiped out, followed by San Francisco, Boston, Philadelphia and Baltimore, then after the invasion was over it seems possible that California, New York, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania and Maryland might become red states. Now that really would be science fiction (or fantasy).

Trump vs 2018

Scene 1 – New Year’s Day 2018 – White House, Oval Office

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike.  Pence!  Where the hell are you?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, I was just on the phone with McConnell.  He wants to know what we’re going to do to save the House and Senate in the midterms.

PT – And I thought Jeb was low energy!  Tell him to stop whining.  He’s done his part.  He got the tax bill passed.  I’ll take care of everything else.  He can go back to sleep.

VPP – I’ll tell him Mr. President.  But he brings up a good point.  With the constant attack provided by the Main Stream Media how can we keep the Democrats from taking back the Congress?

PT – Mike, haven’t you learned anything from me this year?

VPP – I’d like to think I have.

PT – Well, does playing defense sound like me?

VPP – Is holding onto Congress playing defense, Mr. President?

PT – Of course it is.  My plan isn’t to play pattycake with the communists.  It’s to scorch the earth that they occupy.  I plan to eliminate most of these freeloaders.  My vision is to empty Northern Virginia of federal employees.  I’m going to eliminate 88% of these jobs and move most of the rest to Montana.  Also, I plan to put the salary level on par with Walmart.

VPP – Is that even possible?

PT – Think big Mike.  If you can dream it, you can do it.  What dream do you have?

VPP – Well Mr. President, I’ve always wanted to achieve world peace.

PT – Well Mike, I respect that kind of epic scope, but I’ve looked into that.  It would require elimination of almost 89% of humanity to enact.  I’m just not comfortable with that kind of carnage.

VPP – Huh, what!

PT – Well, anyway, what I’m planning for 2018 is to flood the zone.  We’ll start by closing down the EEOC.

VPP – Sir, that can’t be done.

PT – That’s just a figure of speech.  We don’t need to actually shut it down.  We’ll reduce budget and headcount until it comes in line with the mission we want to achieve.

VPP – What does that mean?

PT – We defang it, decapitate it and leave a remnant for show.  Currently there are about 2,000 employees with a budget of $365,000,000.  If you do the math that is an average salary of about $180,000.

VPP – Well Mr. President, that’s their whole budget.  That includes other line items beside salary.

PT – Blah, blah, blah, Mike.  Look my plan is reduce the staff to 200 people with an average salary of $40,000.  That’s a total salary of $8,000,000 for the whole department.  Most of those folks will be clericals so that’s about right.  I’ll have twenty managers including the department head.  And I’ll be damn sure none of the managers are commies.

VPP – Sir, that’s a bold plan.  Can you get it done?

PT – Bold?  That’s just one department.  Do you have any idea how much can be saved by carrying out this initiative across the whole federal bureaucracy?

VPP – But you’ll put millions of people out of work!

PT – Let’s hope!  Oh, we’ll stagger the effect by giving them a severance package and unlimited unemployment benefits.  I figure 65% of these people are functionally unemployable.  They would actually be a drag on any business that hires them.  So it’ll be cheaper to pay them unemployment until retirement age than allow them to continue to harm the American people.  And the lower salaries we’ll pay the remnant won’t encourage them to remain in the public sector.  We’re about to eviscerate the beast.

VPP – Mr. President, will the congressional Republicans support this?

PT – Of course not.  They’re part of the beast.  But that’s my job, weasel herding.  I’m ready to handle their low energy back-stabbing.  I’m actually going to enjoy it.  Now Mike are you ready to do your job or not?

VPP – I’ll do the best I can.  But this is all so strange and disorienting.  It feels almost unreal.

PT – Just the opposite.  Reality is just too painful for the sleep-walkers.  What I’m trying to do is wean a heroin addict off the drug with methadone.  Once he’s seeing reality without the craving he can decide if he’s strong enough to handle full blown withdrawal.  America’s been on the needle for so long, it’s fifty-fifty whether it can come back.  But that’s our job.  We have to give them a chance to choose reality.

VPP – So you’re saying the Democrats are the cartel.

PT – Very good, you’re learning.

I Object – A Dissenting Opinion on an American Greatness Post

Linking to American Greatness is usually easy for me.  I’ve found many articles that I’m proud to link to.  And the occasional article I don’t agree with I just chalk up to “nothing’s 100%.”  But today I read Henry Olsen’s “Four New Year’s Resolutions for Making America Great.”  The first three resolutions were unproblematic.

The fourth was tolerance.  Now he couched tolerance in terms of Christian patience as demonstrated by the early martyrs.  Basically what he is advocating is more losing.  Lose but be a good sport about it.  Turn the other cheek.  Call those who hate you friends and maybe they’ll let you be a slave after the last of your freedoms are stamped out.  I’m sorry, this won’t wash.  This was tried by George W. Bush.  He was demonized, pilloried and mocked for eight years by these friends.  Now that they’ve found a greater satan he’s become the beloved clown that they can point to as the exemplar for “good republican” behavior, a loser.

In the words of Cyrano “No, thank you. No! I thank you and again I thank you!”

I’m sure Mr. Olsen is a well meaning fellow but this is a war.  After the enemy is defeated we can talk about the surrender conditions.  Until then it’s us versus them.

Four New Year’s Resolutions for Making Americans Great

Daily Pick from American Greatness – Deion Kathawa’s “Boot Licking the Left”

Back during the Iraq War Max Boot was one of the war’s biggest boosters.  When I still thought W was on my side I would read Boot’s articles to understand what strategy was needed to win the war and allow us to get back to being alive.  It didn’t dawn on me that ending the war wasn’t part of the agenda that Boot and the rest of the neo-cons had in store for us.  These were people who would gladly spill every last drop of American blood in order to advance a global project that none of those Americans wanted.

Well, the mask is off.  Trump isn’t Bush.  So Boot isn’t a conservative anymore.  He’s embracing the left with both arms.  Good.  Now he’s home.  Good riddance.

The narrative would be comical if it wasn’t so repellent.  It seems that most of these so called pundits just want a paying gig, regardless of who is paying the check.  Enjoy?

Boot Licking the Left

American Greatness Pick of the Day: “A Tale of Two Presidents and One Newspaper” by Michael Walsh

I know that I shamelessly link to articles over at American Greatness but they have several writers that produce excellent articles on a regular basis.  Of course the posts by that guy photog ( here and here ) are a bit weird but what can you do?  No publication can be 100%.  What I like about this present post by Walsh is the quotes from the Reagan era that could have been lifted verbatim from a Times hit piece last week.  That’s doing your homework.  I absolutely refuse to open any link to the Times or Post even if it’s just a baseball box score.  Providing them with revenue would feel like subsidizing tuberculosis.  Hardly a palatable choice.  So it’s nice to have someone else do the dirty work of dissecting their pathology for me.

Enjoy!  https://amgreatness.com/2017/12/28/a-tale-of-two-presidents-and-one-newspaper/

 

New Year’s Resolutions 2018

 

We’ve done Christmas.  Enormous quantities of delicious, toxic foods have been ingested and now clog our arteries and brains.  Ancestors and descendants, siblings and their relations, friends and in-laws have been hosted, feted and dispatched.  Enormous sums have been expended for gifts that no one will care about or even remember six months from now.  With nothing to look forward to until Memorial Day the bleak winter climate of cold and perpetual twilight saps your very will to live.  What a perfect time to make life altering decisions about your future!

But let’s not waste the opportunity.  Tradition is a powerful force that binds us to the past and informs the future.  So, without further ado…

  • I resolve to send one thousand e-mails a day to each of the following groups for each of the following initiatives:
    1. to ABC advocating that Joy Behar be replaced on the View by a sexbot. But not an attractive, realistic looking one but a really poorly made one.  One that looks awful and has an extremely annoying voice.
    2. to the Democratic National Committee demanding that each male Democrat representative and senator, on account of being male, immediately, pre-emptively resign in favor of a woman. Or, if they really, really want to stay, then immediately begin transitioning to trans-woman status.
    3. to the NFL demanding that Joy Behar be installed as special advisor to the Commissioner on domestic abuse allegations, integrating female players into the League and other women’s issues.
    4. to the National Organization of Women (NOW) demanding O. J. Simpson be installed as special investigator into domestic abuse allegations.
    5. to the Disney Corporation demanding that the part of General Leia Organa be given to Hillary Clinton. I’m with her and so is the Force.
  • I resolve to begin each day visualizing an affirmation featuring the Clintons, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi wearing those old timey striped prison uniforms and leg irons working on a chain gang like the one in Cool Hand Luke.
  • I resolve to always check all links on Drudge to make sure I’m not clicking on an article from The New York Times, Washington Post, Politico or any other purveyors of fake news.
  • I resolve to boycott the NFL in perpetuity unless they get Kaepernick to grovel and apologize to the police.
  • I resolve to boycott Hollywood in perpetuity unless they expel Woody Allen, Roman Polansky and the other pedophiles and force Meryl Streep force to grovel and apologize to President Trump.
  • I resolve to buy American made products whenever a choice exists.
  • And seriously, I resolve to preferentially support non-leftist alternatives in any and all categories in which I find them.

Happy New Year to all you folks out there.  I’ve been enjoying a holiday with friends and family.  I’ll be gathering my wits and starting to output new material for the site this week.  There are some interesting new things coming up soon including some updates to the site.  So, apologies for the sparse output the last few days but I am only slightly superhuman.