Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

Trump vs Morning Shmoe and Lycra

 

Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe – (MS);  Lycra Spandexy – (LS);   President Trump – (PT); Kim Jong Un (KJU)

Scene 1- 8am, MSNBC, Set of the Morning Shmoe talk show;  

MS – Welcome back from that commercial break and it’s the cube root of 27 minutes after the hour and we’re here at the set of the Morning Shmoe Show.  And Lycra Spandexy and I were just saying how we’ve never been more in love or more sure that Donald Trump’s presidency is seconds away from imploding before our eyes.

LS – Yes, that’s right Shmoe, very, very in love and very, very close to imploding.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – And continuing on our discussion of the bromance between Trump and Kim, I just wonder how Donald Trump feels knowing that he has become just as much of a laughing stock as that other tin pot dictator Kim Jong Un.  After all he may not be as short and fat as Kim but he’s just as much of a psychopath and just as ugly.

LS – Yes that’s right Shmoe, very, very much a laughing stock and very, very ugly.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Hmmm.

LS – Oh, look!  Producer Jorge says we have a caller on line one.  Go ahead caller.

KJU – You listen good Lycra Spandexy and Morning Shmoe!  This Kim Jong Un, Supreme Dear Leader of Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.  You really piss me off.  Maybe my friend Donald Trump let you get away with this stuff but I no will.  You are in deep doo doo.  You make fun of me?  Hah, I make fun of you!  What kind name Lycra Spandexy?  Sound like the sports bra.  And Morning Shmoe?  You some kind of Fourth Stooge?  Hah, Hah!

LS – Oh yeah?  Well your name is really funny.  Don’t you know Kim is a girl’s name?  Like Kim Kardashian.

MS – Honey, I don’t think you should engage.  I think the directive in these situations is to remain calm and shelter in place until the back-up arrives.

KJU – Too late you foolish losers.  I already sent team to your apartment.  You aware that Korean cuisine includes dog, right?

LS – Mr. Toodles?

KJU – That right.  I now finishing off Toodles with Noodles. Very hot and very tasty.

(Lycra becomes hysterical)

MS – You fiend!  I’ll call the State Department and have you arrested.

KJU – Don’t bother.  Diplomatic immunity.  And I already in flight and over Atlantic Ocean.  Plus, I no think Donald like you two too much.  You piss him off too.  So goodbye losers.  Better not say more about me or you might end up on menu for my shark tank.  (call ends in a dial tone)

MS – (with Lycra in the background keening shrilly for Mr.Toodles)  Well this is a black day on Morning Shmoe.  Not since the 9-11 attacks has anything as shocking occurred.  In fact, as we all know, the 9-11 attacks were the fault of Islamophobia whereas this murder is strictly the fault of Donald Trump and his Axis of Evil with a dictator who will remain nameless because of reasons.  I would declare a morning of mourning but we really need the paychecks to cover the wedding expenses we incurred.  It was an event wedding in Hawaii and Lycra had a lot of Eastern European relatives to fly in.

LS – (breaking out of her wailing dirge)  You were the one who wanted Hawaii.

MS- Whatever!  Well anyway, goodbye everybody and may your morning progress.

Trump vs Kim Jung Un and the Bad Example

Trump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon

 

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT); James (Mad Dog) Mattis – (JM); Kim Jong Un (KJU)

 

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office; President Trump sitting at his desk with the office phone on his ear.  Vice President Pence is just entering through the door.

VPP – Mr President?

PT – (speaking into the phone) Sorry, let me call you back, somebody is interrupting.  (hangs up) Mike, what?

VPP – Sorry to interrupt Mr. President, but you haven’t screamed my name looking for me since before you left on your trip.  I was wondering if anything was wrong.

PT – You know Pence, it’s not always all about you, you know.  Maybe sometimes I call other people up when I need something.  That is possible isn’t it?

VPP – Well, sure, I guess.  But I have grown accustomed to your early morning summons, so you know, I was just kind of surprised by the quiet.

PT – Yeah, well, don’t worry I’ll make sure and let you know when I need you.  Now go ahead and get your first morning nap before you get cranky.

VPP – Alright Mr. President, goodbye. (as he goes to close the door on his way out he sees that President Trump is once again talking on the phone)

PT – Yeah, I got rid of him.  Honestly, I don’t know why I hired him but mistakes can be corrected.

Scene 2:  Outside the First Lady’s Office in the White House later that day.  In front of the door Vice President Pence and Secretary Mattis meet up.

JM – Hello Mike.

VPP – Hi Jim.  Were you called here too?

JM – Yeah, what’s it all about?

VPP – Well, the way things have been going around here only a fortune teller could know. (he knocks on the door)

MT – (calling through the door),  Come in Mike and Mad Dog. (they enter and close the door behind).

VPP – Hello Melania.  Good to see you again.

JM – Good afternoon First Lady.

MT – Hello Vice Mike and Mad Dog, please sit down.  The reason I have summoned you is because Schmoopey is acting very strange.

JM – And by “Schmoopey” ma’am you mean?

MT – Ah, forgive me.  Schmoopey is the pet name that Donald and I use for each other.  It is a Seinfeld reference, is it not?

JM – I wouldn’t know ma’am.  Jerry Seinfeld is some kind of hippie, I believe, so I’ve never seen him on the television.

VPP – Melania, could you be a little more specific about the President’s behavior.  Opinions may differ on very strange.

MT – He is obsessed with Kim.  That is all he thinks about all day.

VPP – Melania you must be wrong.  When Kim Kardashian came to the White House that was just a public relations event.  She means nothing to the President.

MT – No Vice Mike.  I mean that fat little psychopath Kim Jong Un.  They talk all day and night, laughing and joking.  And the more he talks to Kim the scarier he gets.

JM – Ma’am, what do they talk about?

MT – They talk about making their enemies disappear.  Someone must stop this.

VPP – Melania, I’m sure the President is just pretending to be Kim’s friend to get his cooperation.

MT – I do not think this is so.  Schmoopey has been very angry with the Fake News.  I think he is looking to get the revenge.

JM – Ma’am, what can we do?

MT – You must break the evil spell that holds him captive.

VPP – Melania, we’ll help the President.  Don’t fret.

MT – Thank you gentlemen.  Now I must get back to my memoirs.  Goodbye.

Scene 3:  That night; White House Teleconferencing Center, President Trump sitting in front of a teleprompter with Kim Jong Un’s image projected in front of him, Mattis and Pence entering from behind him.

PT – So did you really boil the entire Nork Press Corp in honey and feed them to bears?

KJU – You bet you I do!  And then I feed bears to sharks.  Very, very funny.

PT – Well, my short fat friend, you certainly have your own style.  But I’ll settle for results.  Did I tell you how I eliminated sixteen rinos without firing a shot?

KJU – Ouuuh, rhino horn good for the rub rub.

PT – Maybe, but these rinos had already had their horns and their genitals removed before the event.

VPP – Mr. President, may we have a word with you?

KJU – Donald, these dogs are interrupting us.  Have them fed to sharks!

PT – No Jung Un the sharks are already full, besides I still need these servants for a little longer.

KJU – I bored.  I go. (screen goes blank)

PT – Jim, Mike what do you want?

VPP – Mr. President, we’ve heard some disturbing reports about your behavior.

PT – Schmoopey ratted me out!

JM – Mr. President, that little psychopath Kim can’t be trusted.  You said so yourself last month.

VPP – That’s true Mr. President.  I remember you were afraid he’d try to poison you.

PT – Yes, but that was before we became friends.  Now he’s shown me how to deal with the Fake News, Crooked Hillary and the Deep State all at the same time.

JM – But we’re Americans, we’re the good guys we don’t murder other Americans just because of political differences.

PT – Are you telling me Hillary Clinton, Peter Strzok and Jim Acosta are loyal Americans.

JM – Hmmm, I get your point.

VPP – But Mr. President, that’s besides the point.  If you stoop to their level, they win.

PT – If you do blah, blah, blah they win?  Who do you think I am, W?  Mike, you and Mad Dog convene the Cabinet for a special meeting.  I want to get the whole team’s ideas on some of Jong Un’s “special techniques.”

VPP – Mr. President, why don’t we start with just the three of us?  I’m not sure Jeff Sessions would survive it.

PT – Yeah that may not be a problem for much longer.  Okay, let’s get down to brass tacks.  Sessions isn’t going to do anything about the mess in the DOJ or Mueller.  My friend Jong Un sent me plans for his built-in shark tank.  I have it installed under the floor in the White House basement and whenever I want a problem to go away I invite the “problem” for a heart to heart chat and a stroll around the basement and before you know it the problem is a just a greasy residue to be filtered out of the tank water.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s monstrous!

PT – Would that count for Joe Biden?

JM – Hold on Mike, maybe we should hear him out.

VPP – No!  Not even for Creepy Uncle Joe.  Look you are just allowing yourself to get swept up in the whole Caligula thing that Kim Jong Un has going on.  Remember how that worked out for Caligula himself.  Or Nero, or Hitler or any of those other psychos.

PT – Well Stalin did alright.

VPP – But this is America, it’s not the Soviet Union yet.  Look at it realistically.  If all your enemies start mysteriously disappearing, like they do around the Clintons then you’ll be treated the same way they are.  Everyone will fear and hate you.  You’ll never get re-elected and after you die your corpse will be desecrated.

JM – They might call you Crooked Donald.

PT – Never thought of that.  That would be bad for the Trump brand.  Alright, you’ve convinced me, no shark tank.  But I have to say, you guys are nowhere near as much fun as Jong Un.

VPP – And I have some more bad news for you.  You’re gonna have to break off your bromance with the short fat maniac.

PT – No way, he’s fun and he’s got a great head of hair.

VPP – Yes, way.  Melania is very upset with you and if you don’t straighten up she’ll bolt.

PT – Schmoopey?  I can’t have that.  Okay, you win, I’ll break up with Jong Un.  But you guys are gonna have to raise your game.  If I get too bored I’ll have to reconsider the shark tank.

JM – How about a pinochle game on Thursday nights?

VPP – Charades?

PT – (under his breath) Shark tank.

Trump vs The Big Boredom

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Melania Trump – (MT); photog – (PH)

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Presidential Living Quarters; President Trump and Melania sitting at the breakfast table

PT – Schmoopey, I’m telling you, I can’t take it anymore.

MT – Schmoopey, what is all this big deal about? What can you not take more of?

PT – Washington, I can’t stand this place anymore. It’s so boring. I’m ready to jump on Air Force One and go hang out with Putin.

MT – No, please Schmoopey do not. There are terrible women there who do not know what a shower is and so they wet the bed. Be wise. Stay far away from them.

PT – But I’ve got to do something or I’ll explode. Think of something.

MT – Can I call Vice Mike? He is a smart man.

PT – Nooo!!! He’s more boring than Crying Chuck Schumer. Maybe I should go see Bubba Clinton.

MT – You will not call that awful, awful man. The way he stared at me during your in-swearing made me think of the devil. Lying Hillary must be a witch to live with such a devil.

PT – Well then who is left?

MT – You must summon the photog.

PT – What, that loser? He’s no fun.

MT – But he knows about the boredom. He is after all poor.

PT – That’s true, I’ve seen the truck he drives. Sure, I’ll call him. If worst comes to worst I can have the Secret Service waterboard him, that might be fun.

MT – And you are smiling already!

Scene 2 – 8pm White House West Wing; Oval Office; President Trump sitting at desk, photog just entering the door.

PH – Here I am Mr. President.

PT – What the hell took you so long? I called for you ten hours ago.

PH – Mr. President, I was at work when you called. I didn’t get your call until I got back to my desk after a three-hour morning meeting.

PT – Desk? What about your cell phone?

PH – I don’t own one.

PT – For pity’s sake, what are you, Rip Van Winkle?

PH – They seem like an annoyance to me.

PT – Sure they’re annoying but how can you get anything done without one? How do you get your messages and read your tweets?

PH – Yeah, I manage to muddle through with a laptop and a land line. I don’t “tweet.”

PT – You’re like that frozen Neanderthal. They should put you in the American Museum of Natural History.

PH – Yes, that’s what they should do. Anyway, how can I help you.

PT – Well after finding out what a luddite you are I’m pretty sure you’re not the guy I should talk to about overcoming boredom. You’ve got snooze tattooed on your forehead in three inch letters.

PH – Well since you’ve already dragged me here why don’t we take a stab at it anyway. Why are you bored?

PT – What a stupid question! I’m bored because Washington is the most boring place on earth. Everybody is a phony and a liar and a loser.

PH – Actually that is true. Why don’t you get out of Washington once in a while and talk to some actual humans instead of Washington pod people?

PT – I can’t. The Secret Service keeps me penned up in here like a zoo animal.

PH – Well, they let you do those arena events where you talk to the crowd.

PT – Yeah, but that’s just me talking. I’m pretty much sick of hearing myself talk and tweet and everything else. I want to get some interesting talk.

PH – Hmmm. Well how about your voters? They’re an interesting group.

PT – photog, if you’re representative of them then I can’t afford to let them know just how much I despise them. For instance, I can barely restrain myself from having the Secret Service waterboard you just to shut you up.

PH – Thanks so much. Well look, the people who voted for you run the gamut from idiots to geniuses, saints to sinners, billionaires to bums. If you want to hear some interesting stuff figure out how to engage all these people in some communication with your government. You tweet, but that’s a few words at a time and it’s a one-way flow of information. You need something like your rallies but with some kind of messaging. Maybe a live stream event. If you can get a team to sift through the messages you’ll find a gold mine of interesting questions and suggestions. And you can craft answers to those questions and you’ll find that it will capture the imagination of the right wing if they feel like they can talk to the President. And you’ll have interesting things to talk about and you won’t be bored.

PT – You know, that’s not the stupidest idea I ever heard.

PH – So, do you think you’ll do it?

PT – Either that or nuke Sweden. It’s six of one, half dozen of the other.

PH – Wow. Well, is there anything else?

PT – No, you can go now. Don’t let the door hit you in the butt on the way out. But make sure you tell the Secret Service that the aterway oardingbay is ancelledcay.

PH – Good seeing you again too, Mr. President.

 

On a more local note I’ve been intrigued by the general dearth of comments.  Now this is my first blog so maybe it’s how it works but I’m curious, so I have a survey poll on it.  I’ll leave it on the next few posts and I look forward to the info I get.

Trump vs The TV Moms

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Melania Trump – (MT); Vice President Pence – (VPP);

Scene 1- 8am Thursday; White House West Wing; Presidential Living Quarters;

PT – Schmoopey, Schmoopey. Where are you Schmoopey?

MT – I am right here Schmoopey. Why do you cry out so?

PT – Schmoopey, Roseanne has been fired because she thought Valerie Jarrett was white and looked like an ape.

MT – But what can you do about that? ABC is the boss of her, not you Schmoopey.

PT – I know but America needs its TV Moms even the ones who are fat loudmouths. I must act and act decisively. Anyway, I need you to rally the women of America behind me. I intend to honor them in my own way. It will be huge.

MT – Schmoopey please be careful with your honoring. The women, they are a little jumpy right at the moment. Please be careful.

PT – Don’t worry I’ve got this. When I’m finished honoring them the women of America will have to admit they’ve never been honored like this before. It will make Mother’s Day look like Income Tax Day.

MT – Oh Schmoopey, that’s a lot of honoring.

PT – You bet it is. Now get in touch with the Republican wives and I’ll get in touch with the Congress to get the ball rolling.

 

Scene 2 – 8pm the same day; White House broadcast studio; Vice President Pence is standing off stage; President Trump is sitting behind a desk in front of the cameras; technicians and hair and make-up staff are bustling around him; The President looks into the camera and gestures to roll and the crew backs away and the broadcast begins.

PT – Good evening my fellow Americans. Tonight, I only want to speak to the women. You men get lost. Go play sports or work on your cars.

Ladies I am here to discuss a very important subject. I want to talk to you about female role models. In the last forty or so years, crackpots have tried to tell you that women should want to be doctors and lawyers and presidents. This craziness was encouraged by the Communists because they wanted to destroy the family and by extension the country. And in order to do this they flooded tv with working women. Dana Sculley, Allie McBeal, Madame Secretary, all grim career women without any prospects of love in their lives. Well, unfortunately you all fell for it. Now the country is filled with incompetent women professionals who gum up the works in the courts, hospitals and government. On top of that you’re so busy screwing up the world you haven’t had time to produce many children. And the few that you do manage to produce are abandoned to become, at best, latch key kids, and at worst, sociopaths. Let’s face it you screwed up.

But the good news is I’ve worked out a solution. The government is going to step in and replace all these Hillary Clinton clones with good wholesome maternal women, in other words, TV Moms. We’ll start by setting up a new set of cable channels that will play Leave it To Beaver, The Donna Reed Show, Make Room for Daddy, The Honeymooners, Father Knows Best, Lassie and Ozzie and Harriet twenty four/seven. For the kids we’ll also include the Flintstones and the Jetsons. Of course, we will edit any of the episodes where the gals get a little too uppity.

And that’s just the start. We’re gonna replace Susan B. Anthony and that Indian chick on the coins with real role models for women. The mint will issue coins with the likenesses of Wilma Flintstone, Betty Rubble, Jane Jetson, Alice Kramden, Donna Reed, June Cleaver and many more. And finally after I grant a presidential pardon to Roseanne Barr I will force ABC to rehire her. How will I do this you might ask. Well Disney wants to buy Newscorp. And guess who has to approve that? That’s right, the US government or in other words me. How do you think that’s going to work if they don’t rehire her? Exactly. Now I know Roseanne is a fat, trash talking, progressive loud mouth but she’s seen the light of late and I’m gonna stick by her. It’s my intention to show up on the show in a cameo appearance every week and spend a longer stint on the opener, sweeps week and the season finale. Who knows? If I can convince the First Lady to guest star maybe we can even get Roseanne to lose a little weight.

And once we’ve got you ladies back on track I intend to begin an initiative to repeal the 19th Amendment. After all you ladies were responsible for both Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. It hardly seems necessary to say more than that. But we’ll discuss that later. For now, let’s just get busy moving you out of the office and back in the kitchen. Trump out.

(The broadcast ends and President Trump approaches Vice President Pence to speak.)

PT – Well Mike what’s the reaction so far?

VPP – I would say mixed. The Wahhabist Clerics on the Saudi Council of Senior Scholars have embraced your initiative. Rachel Maddow on the other hand drove a car bomb into the gate just now.

PT – Yeah, let’s call it mixed.

26MAY2018 – OCF Update

The thirty degree mornings have relented.  There is a break in the seemingly endless succession of torrential rain and wind storms.  I have a non-work day where I can cut the grass and put the yard in post-winter order.So today may be a bit slow.  What’s on tap and coming up soon:

  1. Photos from the South Rim of the Grand Canyon.
  2. Photo essay on the Sigma 150-600 Sports lens on the A7 III.
  3. Book Review on Robert Silverberg’s “Valentine Pontifex.”
  4. Book Review on “Kill Team (Galaxy’s Edge Book 3).”
  5. Book Review on “Who We Are and How We Got Here: Ancient DNA and the New Science of the Human Past.”
  6. Review of the Vanguard Alta GH-300T Grip Head for heavy lens shooting.
  7. Review of Deadpool 2.
  8. Review of Capture One 11 Photo Editing Software.
  9. President Trump’s summary firing of the intelligence agency conspirators.  Wait I’m not supposed to write that.  Let’s call that Trump Humor.

And some of these may not be in this order.  I am human after all and sometimes the mood strikes me to switch stuff up.  So stay tuned.

Trump vs Mother Nature

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); EPA Administrator  Scott Pruitt – (SP); Rachel Maddow – (RM);

 

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office, President Trump sitting at his desk.

PT – Mike. … Mike. … PENCE!!!!

VPP – Right here Mr. President.

PT – Quick, get Pruitt over here right away.

VPP – You know Mr. President the switchboard can do that for you.

PT – Too busy today Mike?  Sorry I put you out.  Please accept my apologies.  I’ll tell the Chief of Staff not to wake you before Wednesday.  Is that satisfactory, Your Highness?

VPP – Understood, I’ll tell Scott to get here ASAP.

PT – Another profile in courage by Mike Pence.

(Mike Pence walks out the door shaking his head.  Ten minutes later Scott Pruitt walks in)

SP – Mike said you needed me Mr. President.

PT – Scott, look at this fake news on MSNBC.

(President Trump puts the cable show up on a conference monitor.  Rachel Maddow is reporting triumphantly on a Court ruling that prevents an Administration action.

RM – And the 4th Circuit Court’s decision effectively prevents the EPA from firing the Obama holdovers for at least 5 years.  The court further specified that the workers must be employed in environmental project work only.

SP – I’m afraid it’s true.  I’ve got forty Obama appointees each making two hundred grand apiece and the only way to get rid of them is have them quit.  And there’s no way on earth they’ll do that now.  Environmental projects aren’t exactly difficult.

PT – Pruitt, you low energy loser, I’ve been defending you against the press and Democrats for weeks.

If you don’t come up with a solution to this I’ll feed you to the lions.

SP – Yes Mr. President.  Hmmm, lions.

Scene 2- 8pm MSNBC Studio of the Rachel Maddow Show.  Maddow is sitting at her desk, and on the screen is President Trump.

RM – We’re coming to you live with this exclusive interview with President Donald Trump as he reacts to the stunning defeat of his assault on the EPA.  Mr. Trump, does the judicial reversal of your illegal firings spell the end of your charmed reign of terror?  Will this represent the beginning of the end for your Administration and the chance for Hillary Clinton to be restored to her rightful place as Madame President?

PT – Rachel, that studio you’re in must be too cold because under that boy’s haircut you’ve developed brain freeze.  Crooked Hillary is detoxing in a sanitarium while Bill frolics with the maid.  And, of course, my administration will completely comply with any legitimate judicial decision, no matter how asinine it may be.

RM – Well, despite your homophobic jibe it must distress you greatly that these Obama appointees will be doing everything in their power to save the environment from your friends, the rapacious wolves of Wall Street.

PT – Well Rachel, you’re very much mistaken.  I thought long and hard about what fitting assignment I could find for these unselfish champions of the environment.  Luckily, Administrator Pruitt found just the project.  It seems that there has been of late an invasive species causing terrible environmental damage down in Florida.  It’s a tragic situation.  And even though this species is doing untold environmental harm all true lovers of Mother Earth would want these invaders treated humanely.  So, in keeping with that humanity, I’ve assigned these forty environmental champions with the difficult but incredibly rewarding task of capturing by hand the tens of thousands of Burmese Pythons now infesting the Everglades National Park.  It will be dangerous and hopefully torturously uncomfortable, but we will make sure that these heroes of Gaia spend the rest of my administration up to their armpits in pythons and swamp mud.  Of course, if they don’t feel up to the challenge, they can of course resign.  But we don’t imagine they could consider that.

RM – I know I’m an atheist but is it possible you actually are Satan.

PT – Sucks to be you toots.  Trump out.

RM – Well folks, he’s done it again.  This is not a nightmare.  This really is life in Trump’s America.  Good night?

Trump vs the One Pump in a Potted Palm Chump

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Sean Hannity – (SH); Charlie Rose – (CR); Matt Lauer – (ML); Harvey Weinstein – (HW); Tom Brokaw – (TB)

 

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office

PT – Mike.  Mike.  PENCE!!!!  Where the hell are you?

VPP – Right here Mr. President.  What seems to be the problem now?

PT – I’ve got a text message from Sean Hannity saying the fake news boys want to have a secret conference with me.

VPP – That seems fairly unusual.  I’d suspect some kind of trap.

PT – You’re too suspicious Mike.  But if I do have them here I’ll make sure the Secret Service uses cavity searches and their new cosmic ray scan.  That should fry any electronics they’re hiding and their brains and gonads.  But since they have neither there shouldn’t be a problem.

VPP – Very prudent sir.  But please show particular restraint in what you say.  They are not your friends.

PT – Duh.  Set up the White House bunker and go over the details with Hannity.  I’ve got a movie date with the First Lady.  We’re getting an advance screening of Deadpool 2.  It’s gonna be epic.  I’m gonna wear my costume.

VPP – Oh good.

Scene 2 – 10 pm, White House bunker;  A room half full of journalists and the President entering with his Secret Service Detail.

SH – Thanks for taking time out for these Media celebrities Mr President.  They were very anxious to meet with you.

PT – Sean, what the hell are you talking about?  These aren’t celebrities.  They’re disgraced losers.  Just look at them.  They’re all wearing track suits and I don’t think any of them has showered this month.  Now I’m feeling bad for the Secret Service guys who had to administer the cavity searches.

SH – In many ways you are right but please hear them out.  They’ve really suffered a lot and they need your help.

PT – Sean, you’re really starting to slip.  Well tell them to make it snappy.  I have to have the Deadpool 2 disc back in three hours and I want to watch it again.

SH – Yes, Mr. President.

PT – Alright Brokaw, what do you want?

TB – Mr. President, don’t you think it’s unjust for a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist such as myself to be hounded from the newsroom by the #metoo movement while a proven philanderer and solicitor of prostitutes such as yourself is allowed to keep the highest office in the land and wield the almost god-like power of the nuclear button?

PT – No!  Next.

TB – Hey, you can’t …

PT – Toss him on the street and don’t be gentle.  (Brokaw is noisily manhandled out of the room by the Secret Service)

PT – Next.  Alright Charlie Rose, what’s your story?

CR – Mr. President. If you’ll make a few phone calls and set up a spot for me on Fox I can guarantee that you’ll be my first interview.  Now my journalistic integrity won’t permit me to overlook your racist positions on immigration and affirmative action but if you show sufficient contrition and agree to appointing Hillary Clinton to your cabinet as Attorney General I can guarantee to at least keeping an open mind about endorsing you in 2020 or at least treating you like John McCain, you know mild disdain.

PT – Rose you’re the creepiest looking dude since that guy on Tales from the Crypt.  You give gropers a bad name.  Guys don’t just rough him up.  Water board him for a week or two.   (Rose is dragged away whining morosely as usual)

PT – Next!  What about you Lauer?

ML – You know I’ve changed my mind.  I’m gonna quit while I’m ahead.

PT – Yeah, well, bye.  Give my regards to Savannah and Hoda.  Oh, that’s right, they don’t take your calls anymore, pervert. (Lauer is escorted out of the room)

PT – Well, Weinstein, you’re the only one left.  But you’re not even a journalist.  Why are you here?

HW – Mr. President, I’m not a journalist, I’m a business man just like you.  And as a fellow businessman you know how unfair it is to mix business and personal life when business decisions are made.  And because of that I want you to grant me a presidential pardon and get the Hollywood Commission to reinstate me at the Weinstein Company.  If you do this for me I’ll donate generously to your campaign fund and I’ll see to it that many beautiful starlets are available for, let us say, private conferences.

PT – Harvey, you potted plant polluter, there are no words to describe my disgust at your lack of class.  Let’s face it, the way you look, you should have been honest enough to admit to yourself that all your sex would be on a cash basis.  Guys, just get him out of here as quickly as possible and make sure all the vegetable life in the White House has been disinfected before the First Lady wakes up tomorrow.  (Weinstein is given the bum’s rush out the door)

PT – Hannity I have half a mind to ban you from the White House for a year.  What made you think I had anything to say to these losers?

SH – Well Mr. President, not to put too fine a point on it, I assumed that your treatment at the hands of the Pussy Hat brigade would make you at least somewhat sympathetic toward their plight.  After all, how different are you from them?

PT – Sean, that is the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.  The difference between them and me is they don’t understand women.  I do.  They try to coerce women who work for them into doing what they don’t want to do.  I only want women who are convinced I’m the best deal they’ll ever find.

SH – What about Stormy Daniels?

PT – That was just a pit stop.  And besides nobody twisted her arm, or anything else if I recall correctly.  So Sean, the next time you get a call from one of these guys, just hang up and dip the phone in Lysol.

SH – Yes Mr. President, sorry Mr. President.

22APR2018 – An OCF Update

I was thinking of putting up a comical post about Trump and the Republican Midterm Panic but I’m not feeling it.  The mainstream media is drum-beating the gloom and doom of a Blue Wave coming for the midterms.  I’m guessing they’re hoping for a self-fulfilling prophecy and knowing the gutless republicans I completely believe that they could be stampeded into almost anything, up to and including sex change surgery to try and sway liberal voters into their camp.  Let’s face it.  These GOP guys truly are hopeless.

But it’s boring and my readers deserve better.  I mean really, do you think Trump is that much better off with the Republicans in charge of the House?  Sure, the Senate is important because of the Supreme Court and the odds favor the Republicans holding on to their control.  But the House has been a joke.  Ryan might as well have been a pro-amnesty Democrat for all the help he gave.

The bigger story is what is happening between Trump, Sessions and his DOJ operatives.  Here the stories are just as crazy as the Blue Wave stuff but much more interesting.  The scenarios run the gamut from Trump gets indicted to Sessions is getting ready to round up the whole lot of the DOJ conspirators and get them to rat out Obama’s lieutenants.  Trying to figure out what actually will happen is virtually impossible.  But at least we can see developments happening in a relatively straightforward manner in the news.  So that is why I think the next [Trump vs …] gag will involve Comey being broken on the wheel and probably giving up his cable guy for installing free HBO.  Or maybe Andy McCabe doing an impression of Jimmy Cagney in White Heat, going on the lam and shooting it out with Library of Congress police over some overdue VCR tapes.

I guess the problem is that events although still pretty wild have sort of slowed down since porn actresses were popping up on network news shows a few weeks back.  I’ve become jaded.  Luckily Deadpool 2 will be released in the next few weeks.  I think the wise-cracking masked superhero will recharge my sense of humor and inspire me to plunge our larger than life commander in chief into some new absurd and hopefully funny crisis.

Meantime I’m busy testing out the Sony A7 III camera I just bought.  I’ll have a review on it soon.  One thing I will say is the autofocus is an order of magnitude better than the second generation A7 cameras and pretty close to the performance of the $4,500 A9.  My biggest problem is getting long lenses.  Sony only has a few and they cost an arm and a leg so I may get some Sigma Canon mount versions with an adapter.

And I just started using Capture One as a replacement for Lightroom.  I’ll do a post on my thoughts about switching.

I’ve got a ton of photos from my US Southwest trip that I’ll continue to dole out one a day.  Later I’ll put together some background info and travelogue type post or three.

Science fiction wise, I’m reading the second book of Robert Silverberg’s old Majipoor Series.  This volume is a collection of short stories tied together by a clever plot device.  After that I may read the next book in the Galaxy’s Edge series.

That post I put together on space opera has got me thinking about putting together some more theoretical, generic comments on science fiction, fantasy and fiction in general.  It seems to me the reason fiction is in the state it’s in is that people have sort of forgotten why people read.  Hint, it’s not to provide employment for would be “artists.”

And finally, I really do need to update the Directory of Right Wing Businesses.  I was hoping I’d get a lot more stuff from the readers but I guess I should make a good faith effort to do my part.  So, I will.

A big hello to the new readers from Captain Capitalism and Day by Day.  I’ve seen a lot of people looking at lots of content and return viewership is way up and that’s extremely gratifying.  If you want to sign up for the e-mail notifications you can.  And feel free to leave comments on the posts or the forums to give me feedback, suggestions or encouragement.  It is most appreciated.

And most especially a thanks to the loyal regulars who’ve been here since the beginning.  Have a good start to the week.

photog

Trump vs The Pensive Pence

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT);  Secretary Jim (Mad Dog) Mattis – (JM);  Vice President Pence – (VPP);  Attorney General Jeff Sessions – (JS);  Receptionist Patty – (RP)

 

Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Inside the Oval Office, President Trump at his desk.

PT – Mike.  Mike.  Pence!!!  Where the hell are you Pence?

(President Trump pressing the intercom switch)

PT – Patty, where the hell is Mike?

(The intercom replies)

RP – Mr. President, the Vice President hung up the phone on me when I called him up this morning.  He said, and I quote, “tell that lunatic I’m done,” unquote.

PT – What lunatic does he mean?

RP – I couldn’t say Mr. President.

PT – Okay Patty, get Mad Dog in here.

RP – Yes Mr. President.

(Secretary Mattis rushes into the Oval Office almost immediately).

PT – Mad Dog, what took you?

JM – I was caught in cross town traffic.

PT – Excuses.  Pence has cracked.  What can we do?

JM – Air strike, special forces extraction, black ops, wet work, several things.

PT – Hey Mattis, I make the jokes around here.  You’re the straight man.

JM – Well then, let’s just say I don’t handle psy-ops.  But if you want my opinion, tell him to resign.  It’s not like things are going to get easier anytime soon.

PT – And they say I’m the prick.

JM – All due respect Mr. President.

PT – Alright, get the hell out and send in Sessions.

(Mattis leaves and a few minutes later Jeff Sessions enters.)

JS – Mr. President, how can I help you?

PT – Jeff, we’ve got a problem.  Mike seems to have reached his limit.

JS – Mr. President, we’re all under enormous strain.  Maybe Mattis is right and you should encourage Mike to step down.

PT – Yeah but it’s different for Mike.  I’ve kept him out of the loop on a lot of what goes on behind the scenes so he won’t be vulnerable to attack by those psychopaths under you.  Because of that all this stuff looks completely fubar.  Plus I need him on deck in case they get me.

JS – Good points.  Alright, what do we do?

PT – I don’t know, I think I’ll try to talk him down off the ledge.  But I may need some shock and awe.  See if you can come up with a plan.

JS – I’ll get right on it.

 

Scene 2 – Same day, outside the Vice Presidential Mansion.  President Trump and two secret service agent standing in front of the door.  President Trump pushes the intercom button.

PT – Hey Mike.  It’s me.  Let me in and we’ll talk.

Mike Pence’s voice answers loudly through the intercom.

VPP – Go away.  I’ve got nothing to say.  I’m going on leave.  Leave any messages with my secretary.

PT – Oh come on Mike, this is important.  Where’s your sense of decorum?

VPP – Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

PT – Mike, are you okay?

(There’s no answer from the intercom and a minute later Mike Pence comes to the door.  He has a three day growth of beard and is wearing a sweat suit.)

VPP – Look you maniac, don’t you understand I’ve had all I can take.  Insulting volatile world leaders at the brink of nuclear confrontation, paying off porn actresses, endlessly quarreling with reporters, business leaders, Congress and your own employees.  Not a single day goes by that you don’t fire someone or threaten to fire someone.  You vacillate back and forth between contradictory positions on everything from gun control to tariffs to illegal immigration.  And then there’s the Mueller thing.  Which is it?  Are you going to fire him or is he going to send you to jail?  I have had it.  I’m starting to become psychotic myself.  So just leave me alone.  I’m taking a vacation and when I get back I’m going to resign.

PT – Hey you two guys go over by the car, I’ve got something to say to the vice President that you can’t hear.

(Secret Service agents move away.)

PT – Mike, everything you say is true.  Under a normal politician none of this stuff would be happening.  Most of the earlier Presidents like FDR, Kennedy and Bush Senior had their affairs hushed up by the FBI.  Only Clinton got outed because he was an outsider.  But in my defense all of my stuff is from way before I was in the White House.  And other than you, there’s probably no one in Washington who doesn’t have his skeletons.

VPP – Well, actually that’s true Mr. President, but…

PT – And with respect to Kim Jung Un and Assad, wouldn’t you say that my approach, while bombastic is actually more effective and honest than what the last four Presidents have done?

VPP –Well yes, I guess that’s true, but…

PT – And with respect to quarreling with leftists, was the appeasement that W or his father employed more or less successful than my confrontational style?

VPP – Well sure, but…

PT – And has my stutter step rhetoric made it possible for me to more or less avoid some of the traps like the Dreamer Bill and any major compromises on the budget?

VPP – Yeah, but…

PT – And as far as firing people, wouldn’t you admit, considering what we’re doing right now, that working for me can’t be done by many people and leads to high attrition?

VPP – Huhh.  Hmm.  You’ve got a point.

PT – Look Mike.  I’m not pretending that I’m normal.  I am a maniac as you said.  But when you have to kill cancer you don’t use chamomile tea and sugar.  You use radiation and deadly poison.  Think of me as chemotherapy.  And if I fail the patient dies.  The country dies.  So cut me some slack will you?

VPP – Sorry Mr. President, I guess I lost my nerve.

PT – No were right.  This is no country for old men.  But there are some perks too.

VPP – What do you mean?

PT – Well I had Sessions look into some kind of small win for our side, something to cheer you up.  He found some more dirt on McCabe and we got him to turn on some of his old buddies at the Bureau.  That may be what I need to get Mueller to call it quits.

VPP – Very rational and measured it sounds to me.  Good work Mr. President.

PT – Yeah, and he’s agreed to appear in a dunk tank on tv and let the All Star pitching staff dunk him up to ten times in jalapeno sauce dressed in a speedo with the words I’m a ratfink liar stenciled on his chest.

VPP – Well it’s a start.

Trump vs the Diamond and Silk Embargo

Dramatis Personae:  President Trump – (PT); Jeff Sessions (JS); Mark Zuckerberg (MZ); Larry Page – (LP); Lynnette “Diamond” Hardaway – (LDH);  Rochelle “Silk” Richardson – (RSR);

 

Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Monday 8 am.  Inside the Oval Office President Trump is at his desk and his receptionist is speaking over the intercom

PT – What is it Patty, you know I don’t like to be disturbed while reading Orion’s Cold Fire at breakfast.  I find his blend of good natured Trump ribbing and incisive political analysis is just the thing to start my day off great.

(voice over intercom) – I’m sorry Mr. President but I’ve got Diamond and Silk on the line and they’re very upset.

PT – Put them through Patty, I’ll set this straight right now.

LDH – Are you there President Donald Trump?

PT – I am Diamond.

RSR – Hello President Donald Trump.

PT – Hello Silk.  It is so good to hear from both of you.

LDH – Well we wish it was a happier occasion Mr. President but we are calling to ask for your help.

PT – What has gotten you two upset?

RSR – Mr. President, it’s that Facebook nerd, that Zuckerberg.  He’s rippin us off.

LDH – Yeah, he shut down our site.  And that other weasel Larry Page from Google shut down our YouTubes on “The Viewers View.”  We are losing substantial coin.

PT – Diamond and Silk, this is an outrage.  Why would they do this?

RSR – They said that we are “Unsafe to Community” and that the shutdown is irrevocable.

LDH – Mr. President we know they are doing this to get at you.  Please help us.

PT – Diamond and Silk, do not worry.  This outrage will not stand.

RSR – Thank you Mr. President, you truly are the greatest President.

PT – Yes, Silk I truly am.  Now, I’ll be in touch with news very soon.  And don’t worry.  The full power of the United States government and all its employees will be working on nothing else but this problem until it is solved.

LDH & RSR – Thanks you President Trump. (hang up).

PT – (President Trump hits a button on his phone and starts to talk) – Sessions get up here right now.  And don’t give me any of that crap about cleaning out the FBI.  A snail would cover more ground than you have.

 

Scene 2 – Later that same day.  White House audio-visual studio.  President Trump is standing in front of two teleconferencing screens with images of Mark Zuckerberg and Larry Page visible.  Jeff Sessions standing to the side.

PT – Zuckerberg, Page, I want to know why you two idiots are harassing those two women.  Surely you internet geniuses have better things to do than persecute a couple of African American sisters from North Carolina.

MZ – Donald, the suspension is irrevocable.  An algorithm made the decision and as you know computers are never wrong. (disappears from the screen)

LP – Donald, the kind of hate speech that they employ is too hurtful to ever appear on YouTube.  We cannot be swayed.  Have a googley good day. (also breaks the connection).

PT – (mumbling under his breath) Donald, huh.

JS – How would you like to proceed Mr. President.

PT – Get the warrants and set up the live stream for 8pm tonight.

 

Scene 3 – 8pm that night.  White House audio-visual studio.  President Trump is sitting behind a desk.  Television equipment is set up.

PT – Hello everyone on the World Wide Web I interrupt your porn viewing for a very important message.  Earlier this evening agents of the Justice Department, the honest ones that is, under a court order shut down Facebook, Twitter and Google.  An investigation concluded that they were in violation of anti-discrimination against women and African Americans.  Of course, they were also discriminating against millions of straight white men too but, of course, that’s legal.

After signing off on a consent decree these companies will be re-opened.  And to make sure things don’t get off on the wrong foot I’ve had the Justice Department make some changes to their Boards of Directors. I’ve reduced their other members and added Diamond, Silk and James Damore to each of the boards.  We anticipate no more problems going forward.  Okay, that’s all.  You can go back to your porn you losers.