Trump vs Justice Kennedy

Scene 1: White House, West Wing

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike!  Where the hell are you Pence?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – I’m right here (under his breath) as always.

PT – Good.  Look Mike I need to talk to Kennedy.

VPP – Supreme Court Justice Kennedy?

PT – Well obviously I don’t mean dead Teddy.  Yeah, Justice Kennedy.  I need to advance my agenda and since Congress is hopeless, a new SCOTUS appointment feels like the right thing.  Summon him to my office and make it snappy.

VPP – Mr. President, you can’t summon a supreme court justice, no one can.

PT – Well then ask him to lunch at the White House.

VPP – Certainly, when would you like to meet with him?

PT – Today.

VPP – But suppose he’s already scheduled for a meeting or a case?

PT – Pence, come on man!  Show me something here.  I’m starting to think I should have replaced you with Lying Ted.  Alright, have it your way.  Ask him when he can come.

VPP – What should I tell him is the subject of the meeting?

PT – Pastrami and corned beef.

VPP – What?

PT – We will be discussing the finer points of New York Deli sandwiches.  That should get him.

VPP – Yes Mr. President.

 

Scene 2: Two Weeks Later, White House Dining Room

PT – Well Tony, do you want anymore sauerkraut on that plate or maybe the potato salad.

Justice Kennedy (JK) – No thank you Mr. President.  I couldn’t eat another thing.

PT – Please Tony call me Don.  All my friends do.  Well, except the ones I don’t like.

JK – Okay Donnie.

PT – Just Don.  Let’s keep things friendly here.

JK – Sure Don, sure.

PT – Okay.  So, you’re probably wondering why I called you in for this meeting.  I mean in addition to the salted cured meats.

JK – Can I guess it has something to do with my retirement?

PT – Bingo.  See you’re a smart guy.  You know what’s what.

JK – Well Don, I hope you’re not going to try to convince me to retire before I’m ready.

PT – Nonsense, I would never try to force anyone to do anything he wasn’t ready to.

JK – Good Don, because it would just spoil our friendship.

PT – Right, right, sure.  Say I was just wondering do you do much golfing?

JK – No Don, I don’t.  I’m more of a yoga kind of guy.

PT – Oh yoga, sure, sure of course, very, um, interesting.

JK – I like that and modern expressionistic dance.

PT – …, hmm  …  dance you say.

JK – Yes it’s one of my great passions.

PT – You a married man, Tony?

JK – Don, I’ve been married to the same wonderful woman for more than fifty years.

PT – So, Tony does your wife share your … passion for dance.

JK – Oh, far from it.  She thinks it’s a silly thing for a man to do.  She’s very old fashioned that way.  Not a free spirit like me, Don.

PT – Yeah, I’m starting to get the picture.  So, Tony, I was wondering if you know that Trump Resorts for Retirees includes several very prestigious locales that you might find … interesting.

JK – Where for instance?

PT – Well, South Beach, Provincetown, Fire Island.

JK – Those are all gay havens.

PT – Are they?  I didn’t know.

JK – Of course you do.  What are you implying?

PT – I’m not implying anything.

JK – You think I’m gay!  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

PT – Of course not, it’s nobody’s business whether you’re gay or bi.

JK – I’m not bi!

PT – Tony, calm down.  No one’s saying you’re gay or bi or anything for that matter.  I’m just wondering.

JK – Well, stop wondering.  I’m 100% straight.  Not that there would be anything wrong if I weren’t.

PT – Of course not.  Well I’m glad we got that straightened out.

JK – Right.

PT – So, Tony, you may not be aware but several of Trump Resorts properties have clothing optional sunbathing.

JK – Really?  That seems very strange.  Which ones?

PT – Oh, let me check this brochure.  Well, by a strange coincidence, South Beach, Provincetown and Fire Island.

JK – Okay, I’m outta here.

PT – But Tony, I wasn’t implying anything.

JK – And that’s another thing stop calling me Tony, Mr President.

PT – If you insist Tony.

JK – And for your information I intend to serve on the bench until I’m one hundred and eleven!  Good day!  (leaves in a huff).

PT – …hmmm…   (speaking into an intercom) Mike summon Justice Booth Gator Beanbag or whatever her name is for lunch tomorrow.

 

Since my readers don’t always stop by every day I figured I’d paste this poll on each post for a while to see what folks call themselves.  This is the post the poll came from  Who Are We?

… And that got me thinking. Who are the people who read my blog?  I thought it might be fun to see what the cross-section looked like.  If you feel like saying what you believe in, feel free to leave a comment and/or pick a label from the poll below.  I think it might be interesting.

 

Total Votes : 51

Trump vs the Unemployables

Scene 1: White House Oval Office Wednesday, 10 a.m.

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike!  Where the hell are you Pence?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Right here as usual Mr. President (sigh).

PT – Look Mike, Unemployment is at historic lows but there is one demographic that isn’t benefiting from the fantastic Trump economy.

VPP – Gee, Mr. President, I haven’t heard this report.  Which demographic are we discussing.

PT – The anti-Trump demographic.  You know, Hollywood, the MSM and Washington.  I mean look at this list.  Matt Lauer, George H.W. Bush, Chris Savino, Roy Price, Mark Halperin, Michael Oreskes, Lockhart Steele, Bret Ratner, Dustin Hoffman, Louis C.K., Woody Allen, Charlie Rose, Al Franken, John Conyers, Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, James Toback, Ben Affleck and Glenn Thrush.  It’s an endless list of my loser enemies.

VPP – Well sir, is it really a priority to find jobs for such obviously wealthy individuals?

PT – You’re missing the point Mike.  These cheap bastards are probably already signed up for food stamps and Obamacare.  We can’t let them free-ride on the backs of decent working Americans.  I will address this on prime-time television tonight.  Get my speech writers in here right away.

VPP – Yes Mr. President.

Scene 2: Same Day, 8pm, White House, Oval Office, President seated behind desk and surrounded by audio-visual equipment.

PT – Good evening my fellow Americans.  I know I’ve pre-empted Big Bang Theory or whatever it is you watch now but I need your attention, so put the bong down and try to focus.

I know you are all aware of the almost endless list of #metoo pervs.  What you may not be aware of is that almost everyone of them are my personal enemies.  Well anyway, I’ve decided that I shouldn’t waste an opportunity.  With all these scumbags out of work and fighting enormous lawsuits I have decided to promote a new program FEET.  That stands for full employment for the enemies of Trump.  You see the “for,” “the” and “of” aren’t included in the acronym.  That’s pretty standard.

So how it will work is that in exchange for the federal government paying off their lawsuits and keeping them out of prison they’ll be interned at a work camp in North Dakota for five years.  There they’ll spend their days providing power for the oil derricks.  I don’t have any real information yet but I’m imagining they’ll be chained to a big wheel like that one that Arnold Schwarzenegger was turning in Conan the Barbarian.  That would be kind of cool and the walking around in a circle gives the whole FEET thing a tie-in.  And they’ll spend their nights cleaning toilets and spittoons in the shale oil patch saloons and strip joints.  And I’ve given the proprietors of those establishments specific instructions if any of our boys gets out of hand with the ladies there.  Let’s just say there will be some trans-gendering that won’t have to be paid for by the federal government, if you take my meaning.  And finally, as a condition of their service they will have to take 5,000 hours of Trump harassment training.  Utilizing the latest advances in high voltage aversion training techniques they will truly learn to love the “Dear Leader” as my short fat North Korean friend would phrase it.

Okay, that’s all, you can light up another bowl of weed now.  But for pity’s sake go to work tomorrow.  We’re trying to make America great again.  Do something!  Trump out.

 

Since my readers don’t always stop by every day I figured I’d paste this poll on each post for a while to see what folks call themselves.  This is the post the poll came from  Who Are We?

… And that got me thinking. Who are the people who read my blog?  I thought it might be fun to see what the cross-section looked like.  If you feel like saying what you believe in, feel free to leave a comment and/or pick a label from the poll below.  I think it might be interesting.

 

Total Votes : 51

Make Yourself at Home – What’s Coming Up This Week and Stuff About the Site

I’ve been neglecting the photography side of things and the reviews this week and I’ll be getting back to that soon.  I took some photos in November that I want to post and I have a sci-fi movie review I want to do.  I might do a Trump vs … post on his trip to Asia.  I haven’t thought it all out but there must be comedy gold somewhere in a trip that includes Trump calling the president of a country short and fat.

I’m watching the slow returns on the Who Are We poll.  I wasn’t surprised to see a libertarian and an Ayn Randian among us but it was very interesting to see a Bernie Bro among my readers.  Look at that.  I’m a unifier and I didn’t even know it!  Well anyway welcome to you all, even you hard core Alinskyites and Stalinists.  If ping-pong could bring Mao and Nixon together then maybe photography and science fiction can heal the world’s divisions.  Or at least get more comments on my website.

By putting up polls and installing a forum section I’d like to encourage my readers to engage with each other and me.  I basically started this thing for two reasons:

  1. To have a place to say what I wanted about politics and social stuff without having SJWs tell me I was not allowed to talk.
  2. To find other people who wanted to talk about this stuff in a place where we were free to speak our minds. If I was discussing cameras and the conversation veered into laws on photographing public building I was sick and tired of reading a thousand-word rant about how the government was repressing Arabs and then when I objected having my comment deleted due to left-wing censorship.  Or if a Muslim guy shoots up a gay bar have to endure fifty diatribes against gun ownership but not be allowed to disagree.  I’ll bet there are plenty of photographers, sf&f fans and all kinds other folks who have had similar experiences.

So, be my guest.  Participate in the poll, leave comments and feedback on the posts and leave your own content on the forums, whether it be a political topic that you have an opinion on or some photo that you want to share or some movie or book idea that you want to share.

Since my readers don’t always stop by every day I figured I’d paste this poll on each post for a while to see what folks call themselves.  This is the post the poll came from  Who Are We?

… And that got me thinking. Who are the people who read my blog?  I thought it might be fun to see what the cross-section looked like.  If you feel like saying what you believe in, feel free to leave a comment and/or pick a label from the poll below.  I think it might be interesting.

 

Total Votes : 51

 

 

 

Trump vs The Feminist Blind Spot

 

Scene 1: MSNBC studio set for the Rachel Maddow Show, the evening after the Academy Awards (The Harvies), Maddow and Ellen DeGeneres are seated at a table in the lounge area.

Ellen DeGeneres (ED) – Rachel I came as soon as I got your text.  I cancelled an interview with President Obama.

Rachel Maddow (RM) – Oh, you shouldn’t have done that.

ED – Nah, I was glad to skip it.  I’m so tired of being forced to make believe I want him to do that dance thing he does.  Even I know straight women don’t find it sexy.  Plus he’s got a new book coming out about community activism and my sponsors have warned me if my ratings get any lower I’m gonna have to find a side job as a rodeo clown.

RM – Breaking another barrier!

ED – Or several ribs.  So, what’s up?

RM – Well, after last night’s awards fiasco I tried figuring out how all this could have gone so wrong.  I mean we have Donald Trump on tape joking about sexual assault and not only isn’t he tarred, feathered and sent to prison but he waltzes into the White House.  Meanwhile all these great progressive Hollywood men like Harvey and Kevin turn out to be rapists and psychopaths.  I mean, I don’t get it.

ED – You’re right.  It doesn’t make any sense.  I’m a pretty close friend of Harvey’s and he never once came onto me or made a pass.

RM – Yeah, me neither.  Something doesn’t make sense.

ED – Well, what do you think can be done?  Maybe a march.  Different hats?

RM – No.  No more hats.  My look is weird enough without hat hair.

ED – Then what?

RM – I have an idea.  It’s pretty crazy but a good journalist needs to think outside of the box sometimes.

 

Scene 2: Next day, White House West Wing, President Trump at the Oval Office desk and Melania Trump entering the room.

Melania Trump (MT) – Schmoopy, guess who called for you.

President Trump (PT) – Schmoopy, I’m kinda busy right now for guessing games.  That Nork Rocketman just called me a pumpkin head so I’m trying to have Mad Dog reposition some satellite lasers to melt down his favorite Rolls Royce into a slag heap.

MT – Hey, you can play around with your silly toys later, I just had to spend five minutes talking to Rachel Maddow that I can never get back.

PT – I’m very sorry.  That is something that should never happen to a woman.  I’ll have the satellites melt her down instead.

MT – No Schmoopy, the melting would be bad for the publicity.  You must keep the dignity.

PT – Fine.  What did that loser want?

MT – She wants the interview.

PT – Her, interview me?

MT – Yes, Schmoopy, she said any conditions you have will be agreed to.

PT – It must be a trick.

MT – No not the trick.  She even cried a little.  It was very sad.

PT – Alright Schmoopy, I’ll make some time for her this afternoon.

MT – Thank you Schmoopy, this makes you greater than the Reagan again.

PT – Exactly.

 

Scene 3: Afternoon the same day, Oval Office, President Trump at his desk, Rachel Maddow seated facing.

RM – Thank you Mr. President, for your time.

PT – Right.  What do you want?

RM – As you know I am one of your harshest critics.  I find the fact of your presidency as one of the surest signs that America is a terrible and unjust place.  I find everything about you reprehensible.

PT – Check.  What do you want?

RM – I want you to tell me how you do it.

PT – Do what?

RM – Act like a sexist pig and get away with it when better men, progressive men are hounded out of public life for much, much less.

PT – You’re confused.  You’re combining different things into one category and wondering why the outcomes are different.

RM – Can you be more specific?

PT – Yes.  You’re a deluded imbecile who is confused about every aspect of human behavior.

RM – Can you do it without insulting me?

PT – It won’t be as much fun, but I’ll try.

RM – Thanks.

PT – I’ll give you some examples of things that you’re confusing together.  If some old guy in a university who has spent his whole life advancing science, let’s say some Nobel Laureate in Biology, someone who has cracked the genetic code and basically invented modern biology, a man who has often made a point of advancing women in science and even hired them in his lab, if he makes a joke about young women being a distraction in his work place, what happens?  You hound him out of his job, force every University to retract his awards, force an apology and then unperson him like some victim in Stalinist Russia.  What is his crime?

RM – Sexual harassment and misogyny.

PT – Wrong on both.  He has committed no crime.  Telling you the truth about how he reacts to having the Spice Girls invade his professional space is not sexual harassment.  It’s just being a man of his generation.  And as for misogyny, that’s not a crime.  It’s just a description of your perception of his relationship to women based on one statement.  And I’m guessing that his wife of forty years and his female relatives would probably dispute it too.

RM – But what does this have to do with my question?

PT – Keep listening toots and maybe you’ll get it.  Next example, if a microphone records me talking off the record to a Bush family operative about what women will allow me to do when they’re interested in dating a very rich man what is that.

RM – Proof of sexual assault.

PT – Wrong again.  Exulting in the social advantages of being a very, very rich man is not a crime.  If a woman is sexually attracted to rich men or even pretends to be in order to become associated with a wealthy man that is just one of the dynamics that exist between people in a free society.

RM – But what if she doesn’t want to be mauled by you?

PT – Do you remember anywhere in that tape where I said I force myself on any woman that wasn’t interested in that kind of behavior.

RM – How do we know you don’t?

PT – Because I’m smart enough to know I don’t have to and that it isn’t a good way to stay rich.  I’ve been married three times.  Basically, every time you try to separate yourself from a woman it’s going to be very expensive.

RM – Well, that’s cold-blooded but probably accurate.

PT – Sexual harassment is very expensive to hush up.  Ask your buddy Harvey Weinstein.  And speaking of whom, let’s conclude the list of examples with him.  And what is it when Harvey Weinstein invites an actress to his hotel room for a job interview, disrobes in front of her, and chases her around the room trying to corner her for some form of sexual contact.

RM – Attempted rape.

PT – Maybe.  But if she is an employee or a prospective employee it would certainly be the textbook legal definition of quid pro quo sexual harassment.

RM – Well, we finally agree on something.

PT – And that’s the problem.  We agree that the third behavior is sexual harassment.  You however think the other two examples are the same thing.

RM – But they are.

PT – And that’s why you can’t figure out why I don’t end up like the other two examples.  In the first example you have a man who works for a university filled with people like you.  They control the levers of power and unless you have a very good lawyer and lots of money they will destroy you by fiat.  In the case of Weinstein, society is in agreement that coercing an employee into sexual contact against her will is sexual harassment.  In my case you have two guys discussing how easy it is to score when you’re rich.  Now, granted, it’s kind of boorish, but it’s no different from a woman describing how she got out of a speeding ticket by making eyes at a traffic cop.  In neither case would you want your words to be recorded but we all use what we have to get ahead in this world.  Whether it’s a pretty face or a nine-figure bank account it has its advantages.  Is this starting to sink in?

RM – There is some sense to it.  But it is horribly unfair.

PT – You mean like life?

RM – Yes.

PT – Welcome to the human race, kid.  It’s full of surprises but unfairness is really not a surprise.  It’s base case.  So, now you see why you don’t understand what’s going on.  You think if something’s unfair somebody, and probably a straight white man is responsible and should be held accountable for it.  You’re blaming him for something that only God can fix.  And since you don’t believe in God you need someone else to blame.

RM – Hmmm.  You’ve given me some things to think about.  But one thing I don’t understand.

PT – What?

RM – How come you sound so normal and intelligent.  You’re very different in your public persona.

PT – We’re not in public.

RM – Oh.

PT – Alright Maddow, are we done?

RM – I guess so.

PT – Then get out.  I have an interview coming up with Hannity and I have to figure out how to incorporate the words “huge” and “greatest” into a discussion about orange juice production.  Oh, and by the way, if you’re hoping to get the ratings up on that show of yours it wouldn’t kill you to show a little cleavage.

RM – Pig!

PT – That’s the Maddow we love!  Now get out.

The First Annual Harvey Awards – The Hollywood Perp Walk

Scene 1: Announcer’s Booth at the Dolby Theater, Rachel Maddow and Ellen DeGeneres hosting the PBS review.

Rachel Maddow (RM) – Hello post-patriarchy America.  I’m here with Ellen to host the first rebranded Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Awards henceforth to be known as the Harvies.

Ellen DeGeneres (ED) – That’s right Rachel.  It’s been renamed the Harvey to commemorate the Harvey Weinstein catalyzed revolt of the womyn.  Even the statuette has been re-engineered.  It’s still a nude figurine but in honor of its namesake it is a rather pear-shaped satyr with his castrated genitals on the base near his feet.

RM – Amazing artwork, really.

ED – Yes, indeedy.

RM – Ellen, let’s reflect on the changes we saw earlier on the red carpet walkway.

ED – Yes, Rachel, let’s.  I thought it was very encouraging how all those strapless evening gowns and daring short skirts have disappeared from the runway to be replaced with sensible jumpsuits and snazzy tuxedettes.

RM – Yes, a breath of fresh air and so much fairer to some of our more mature colleagues.  And how about the hair styles?  I thought it was about time for Hollywood to rediscover the buzz cut.

ED – You said it sister.  Nothing like a number two buzz cut to get you out of the shower in less than five minutes.

RM – And the addition of the Burka Parade was both brave and empowering somehow.

ED – Yes, somehow.

RM – Yes.  Anyway, wasn’t it great not having to feel like some kind of display being gawked at by lecherous, lecherous men?

ED – Or lecherous, lecherous women!  We are the equal of men in every way you know.

RM – Exactly.

ED – Yes, exactly.

RM – Yes.  Now, where were we?  Oh yes, breath of fresh air.

ED – Yes, fresh.

RM – So as an update to the audience, just today it was decided that Jimmy Kimmel having a beard and a wife was unsuitable for this first Harvies broadcast.  So, in his place we’ve got Amy Schumer.

ED – Oh, that’s great.  She’s really funny and she has those fat jokes that are very funny.  But what about the swearing?

RM – Let ‘m fly!

ED – On ABC?  Disney?

RM – Don’t get wobbly now Ellen.  I am Womyn hear me Roar!

ED – Yeah, but I’m on ABC.  We can’t afford to lose any more viewers.  As it is I’m being payed per diem.  If I lose anymore base, I’m gonna have to move over to one of the loser channels like MSNBC.

RM – Hey!

ED – I mean CNN.

RM – Exactly.

ED – Anyway, why don’t we run down the list of Best Picture nominees.

RM – Yes, let’s.

ED – Starting with the hands down favorite, Ghostbusters.

RM – What a hoot.  It had everything, Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones.  And all of them were womyn!

ED – I think you’re right there Rachel.  I think they all were womyn.  Isn’t that something?

RM – Yes, indeedy.

ED – Now you’re using “yes indeedy?”

RM – sure I always use it.  I can be folksy.

ED – Oh, fine.

RM – Anyway, what about the other nominees?

ED – Well, actually that’s the only nominee that wasn’t pulled from consideration for linkage to a director, producer or major star involved in a #metoo accusation.

RM -But how can we have a competition if there is only one nominee?

ED – What’s the problem?  The rules say the nominee with the highest vote total wins.  Where does it say you can’t have just one nominee?

RM – But all the lead actors are womyn how will we select a Best Actor award?

ED – Oh, they were all eliminated.  We’re just gonna run the “Who Died This Year” clip instead.

RM – Hmmm.  So Best Director, Best Actress, Best Song, Best Cinematography all go to Ghostbusters?

ED – It looks like a good bet.

RM – Well, then even I think this seems kind of pointless.  How will we fill four hours of air time if all the awards are pre-determined?

ED –  The acceptance speeches.  Each winner will spend approximately twenty minutes ranting and foaming against the patriarchy and in particular, against the Men of Hollywood who have offended against us.

RM – Oh yeah.  That’s right.  This is gonna be good.

ED – Not to mention, at the three-hour mark there will be a forty five minute montage of all the #metoo victims and villains.  It’s gonna be great.

RM – But won’t that kind of alienate male viewers.

ED – Actually we don’t have any, except the gay guys of course.

RM – Oh, of course.  Plus, they can boo Kevin Spacey.

ED – That’s right.  It’s a win/win.

RM – Well, this actually is sounding pretty fabulous.  Now that we’ve conquered Hollywood and hold all the aces the future must look very bright.

ED – Well, actually this is also the last Harvies.

RM – Last? Why?

ED – Well without the male stars, writers, directors and producers the studios realized that no one would want to see the movies made by women.  So, they closed down the businesses and put their money into realistic sexbots.  Apparently, they’re where the smart money is going.

RM – Yeah, I guess we should’ve seen that coming.

ED – But what will all the actresses do?

RM – Work?

ED – What if they can’t?

RM – Well I hear the sexbot industry needs models to simulate sex to teach the sexbots.  Could they do that?

ED – Yeah, in a funny way that’s kind of what they’re good at.

RM – Well, Amy’s taking the stage for her opening monologue.  Good night PBS audience for this first and last Harvies Awards celebration.  Good night everyone!

Trump vs White House Apprentice – Part 2

Scene 1: White House, West Wing, Monday 8 a.m.

President Trump (PT) – Schmoopy, I need your advice.

Melania Trump (MT) – Of course Schmoopy.  I am always here to advise and consent.

PT – I think that’s the Senate.

MT – Well, with all the Weinstein stuff happening I think you should make sure you have consent.

PT – Point taken.  I’m trying to decide between different events for my White House Apprentice contest.

MT – That sounds easy.  You already did the Apprentice many times.

PT – Yes, but this is for the Presidency.  It’s a much bigger deal and I have to make sure I eliminate the nuts.  We don’t want a maniac in charge of the nuclear football.

MT – This is the truth.  I remember you got yelled at by the Secret Service guy when you left this football on the golf course that time.  He seemed very upset.  I think he cried a little.

PT – Probably just sweat.  He was sweating pretty bad that day running around the golf course looking for it.  He had to pull his gun on that landscaper who was trying to open it with his Leatherman tool.  Ahh, good times.

MT – Well, Schmoopy, why don’t you try getting the information from their wives.  Wives always know if their husbands are crazy.

PT – Is that true?

MT – (rolling her eyes, derisively) Oh, believe me it’s true.

PT – But how can we get them to tell the truth about that?

MT – You should be asking who could stop them from telling the truth.  Have you ever known a woman to keep a secret about her husband on TV?

PT – I think you’ve got something there.  There used to be a show on TV in the Seventies called the Newlywed Game.  The broads on that thing were always spilling the beans on their husbands.

MT – Maybe you could use that Schmoopy.

PT – Schmoopy, you’re a genius.

MT – Remember that when I hit fifty.

PT – You’re not already?

MT – You will pay for that.

 

Scene 2: White House Broadcast Studio, The set of the Newlywed Game has been recreated right down to the cheesy theme music and Don Pardo announcer voice.

Announcer Don Pardo (ADP) – Welcome to the Newlywed Game and here’s the host of the Newlywed Game, Donalllld Trump!

PT – Thank you Don.  And who are our contestants?

ADP – All the way from Janesville Wisconsin, here’s Paul and Janna Ryan.  He loves supply side economics and sticking it to the Deplorables.  She loves raising her kids and making a loving home for them.

PT – Welcome Janna and whatsisname too.  And who else is here with us Don?

ADP – Hailing from the Sunshine State of Florida are JEB! and Columba Bush.  He likes backpacking and backpedaling on conservative positions and she loves spending time with her kids and grandkids.

PT – Welcome Columba and JEB!, I’m glad to see the Bozo makeup rash has stopped oozing, mostly.  And Don who are our last couple?

ADP – Hailing from the “Natural State, these Arkansas natives, are staunch conservative republicans.  Please welcome Phil and Mallory Clanton.  He likes fighting to restore old-fashioned gender roles and respect for women in America and she is just an old-fashioned cookie baking grannie with no stuck up about her and great respect for the alt-right.

PT – Oh for pity’s sake.  Isn’t there anything short of garlic and a wooden stake that can stop you two?

Mallory Clanton (MC) – Ahh’m nat tahred ate tall.  We is just pour country folks is awwwl.  We’s is hair tuh halp ‘Muhrca be’s great agin.

PT – Security, drag these two out and don’t be too gentle with her but watch out, I think she’s got a shiv.

Phil Clanton (PC) – Hey, any chance I can pick up a few odds and ends I left in the Lincoln bedroom?  I can get them myself if you loan me a claw hammer for the floorboards.  They’re kinda personal if you know what I’m saying.

PT – Security, definitely rough him up a bunch.  Then pull up the floor in the Lincoln bedroom and fumigate.

ADP – Well that’s all the time we have.  But we do have lovely consolation prizes for everyone (except the Clantons).  Each couple will receive a home version of the Newlywed Game and a quart of good scotch to remember how you almost got to be President of the United States.  Good night everybody.

Trump vs The White House Apprentice – Part 1

 

Scene 1: White House West Wing; Monday 8 a. m.

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike!!  Where the hell are you Mike?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Right here as always Mr. President.

PT – Oh, good.  Look Mike, I know you’re the VP and all that but it occurs to me that I really need to require extreme vetting on anyone who wants to be President after I’m through with the job.  And that’s either tomorrow if they tick me off and I quit or thirty years from now if I decide to hold onto the gig.

VPP – Ahhh, that not exactly true Mr. President.  You are term limited to eight years by the Constitution.

PT – Well unless I get that changed.

VPP – That’s not possible for you, only a future President could benefit from such a change.

PT – You see, and it’s just this kind of attitude that shows I’ll need to vet you extremely to make sure you’ve got the right attitude to be President.  I mean suppose you got in and then we found out you were low energy like the Bushes.  That would truly suck and so I can’t let that happen.

VPP – Yes sir.

PT – But don’t worry Mike.  You’ll be allowed to skip the early rounds and start in the semi-finals.  I’m thinking of getting some guys in at the beginning that will fill out the blooper reel.  I figure Jeb, Kasich and that crazy dame whatsername, Purina.

VPP – I think you’re talking about Carly Fiorina.  Purina is a dog food.

PT – Well yeah but you see the link.

VPP – Ahh.

PT – Exactly.

VPP – Well, Mr. President, it sounds like you’ll be very busy with preparations.  If I can be of any assistance just let me know.

PT – Sure, yes me to death.  I’m not fooled but I’ll let you go.  I do have a lot to get done.

Scene 2 Oval Office:  President trump on the phone with Jeb Bush.

PT – So let me get this straight.  You’re willing to compete but you want a guarantee that I won’t say that you’re low energy?

Jeb Bush (JB) – That’s right.  I demand to be treated with the respect I’ve earned as the Governor of Florida and the brother and son of United States Presidents.

PT – Well, I think the answer to that is dependent on your definition of respect.  The first event in the competition is hosting Barron’s birthday party.  I was thinking of a traditional Bozo the Clown costume but I’m not opposed to a Crusty the Clown costume either.  Of course, the Crusty costume is cheaper to rent.  Your choice.

JB – Why that’s outrageous.

PT – I know.  Bozo has been out of the public spotlight for decades and still they demand a 15% premium at the checkout register.  Outrageous.

JB – You must be out of your mind if you think I’ll stoop to such juvenile behavior.  No self-respecting public official would allow himself to be held up to such ridicule just for the sake of your endorsement.

PT – Kasich went with the Clown from It.

JB – I’ll go with the Bozo.  But I’ll bring my own shoes.  Fungus you know.

PT – That’s the spirit.  Now make sure you’re six hours early for the party.  That make-up is tricky.

JB – Thank you Mr. President.  I’ll be there seven hours early.

PT – (hanging up the phone) I wonder if I should have mentioned the seltzer and whip cream pies?  Ahhh, he’ll figure it out.  Gee, I wonder if I can get the monkey that flings his poo.  Kids love that stuff.  Well, I do anyway.  Boy, Jeb is gonna be the whole blooper reel at this rate.

Trump vs The Weinstein Equivalence

Scene 1:  White House West Wing; Monday 8 a.m.

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike!!!  Where the hell are you, guy?

Vice President Trump (VPP) – Right here Mr. President.  How can I help you?

PT – Mike, that slug is up to her old tricks again.

VPP – Can you be more specific, Sir?

PT – Yeah, that old witch Hillary tried comparing me to Weinstein.  I’m not gonna let her get away with that.

VPP – A twitter barrage this morning then?

PT – Not good enough.  As my hero Deadpool would say this calls for maximum effort.

VPP – Yes, but he’s usually referring to mayhem or some even worse form of ultra-violence.

PT – Well, I’m not ruling anything out yet, but I think we can limit this to non-lethal means.

VPP – Sounds like a very balanced and measured response on your part sir.

PT – Exactly.

VPP – Might I ask what avenue of attack you plan on employing?

PT – I’m gonna go after Bill.

VPP – Go after him how, particularly?

PT – Let’s just say it will involve a fishing expedition.  I want to land the Great White Whale.

VPP – What’s the bait?

PT – His favorite meal.

VPP – Never mind.  Let’s pretend I didn’t ask.

PT – Exactly.

Scene 2:  A deserted warehouse somewhere outside Washington D.C.; Midnight, Wednesday of that week.

Former President Clinton in a trenchcoat and downturned fedora walking down the sidewalk toward an opened lighted doorway.

Bill Clinton (BC) – I’m here for the Seafood Surprise.

Doorman – What’s the password?

BC – The Big Dog is on the hunt again.

Doorman – Okay, come on in.

BC – Hillary ain’t gettin’ lucky tonight!

 

Scene 3: Inside the warehouse a short time later.  A poorly lit room containing an enormous cylindrical steel tank with a glass port from which an eerie bluish light emanates.  Two men in white lab coats with clip boards stand raptly attentive at the view port.  Suddenly a squad of uniformed policemen and some plainclothesmen burst into the room through a double door.

Agent in Charge (AIC) – Alpha Squad, detain the lab personnel.  Beta Squad, set up the camera equipment.  The rest of you follow me over to the viewing port.  (over his radio) The target is secured.  Send in the VIP.

(President Trump enters the area and approaches the AIC.)

PT – Good work Bob, that was masterfully done.  Congratulate your team.

AIC – Thank you sir.  Would you like to view the subject now?

PT – Like isn’t exactly how I’d describe it, but let’s get it over with.

Stepping over to the view screen and next to a video crew actively recording, they see the otherworldly image of a giant squid fully 40 feet long cowering against one of the outlet valves while a very pasty, flabby aged man wearing an aqua lung, flippers and nothing else was performing unspeakable acts with several of the squids tentacles.  It was apparent even to the cephalopodically untrained eye that the squid was extremely embarrassed and very scared.

PT – Yeah, that’s him alright.  He was always hanging around the steam room at the New York Health and Racquet Club so, unfortunately, I can confirm that’s him.

AIC – How do you want to handle the arrest?

PT – What agencies have jurisdiction?

AIC – Off-hand I’d say the ASPCA and the shellfish division of the FDA.

PT – Fine, but make sure the newspapers get some of this footage for tomorrow’s front page.

AIC – Well, the only one that might print this is National Geographic and even they might black box it.  Personally, I’m gonna need a lot of gin to unsee this.

PT – Yeah, I’m going with witch hazel and turpentine.

AIC – That should do it.

 

Scene 4 White House West Wing, the next morning.

VPP – Sir, I’ll have to say your fishing trip has been an unbelievable success.  Former President Clinton was preemptively neutered by the attending veterinarian during his extraction from the squid tank.  The Clinton Foundation is being shut down and liquidated under the RICO laws, Chuck Schumer has decided to become a republican and Nancy Pelosi has switched from tuna salad to chicken and is retiring from Congress.  Even the New York Times has taken a vacation from bashing you and is evaluating a change in editorial perspective.  I hear they’re going to go with a headline tomorrow that says “We Were Wrong, Lock Them Up.”

PT – That reminds me, what’s going on with Hillary?

VPP – Well Mr. President, no one has seen her since yesterday but there is a report that after the giant Squid was released into the Atlantic off the Potomac some sailors reported a strange island appeared off the coast that included monolithic masonry that they said had a very strange geometry and that a winged squid-headed dragon emerged and flew straight for the Clinton town house.  After what the neighbors described as a combination of gale force winds and the screeching of a banshee they saw the Dragon carry off Secretary Clinton out to sea.

PT – Well, I’m no fan but I wouldn’t want to see that happen to anyone.

VPP – Considering how you feel about Hillary that’s quite generous of you, sir.  After all she is an old woman.

PT – Are you kidding me?  I’m worried for Cthulhu.  I mean, he’s clearly outmatched.

VPP – Point taken sir.

These Guys at American Greatness Are Making Me Feel Redundant

Of course, I’ve never seen them post a Trump vs Morning Shmoe and Lycra.  So there is that.

Honestly, this guy Deion Kathawa in his article Conservatives Need to Stop Indulging Leftist Narratives

hits it pretty square on the head.  These “conservative” pundits he talks about would rather walk back everything they believe than have liberals call them bad names.  That should make it easy to decide who is on our side and who is along for the ride (or paycheck).

Now, of course, if they’ve taken your dog hostage and are threatening you with Fido showing up in your mailbox piece by flea-bitten piece, then, yeah, I understand.  But the worst these guys are up against is Twitter down votes.  Maybe Google will suspend their Gmail accounts.  Hardly the stuff of hard-boiled, hard-hitting humor blogging.  If groveling is an important part of your month then maybe you should be in a different line, like politics.

Anyway, the Daily Wire thing is very disappointing.  If you have to clear your comedy skits mocking leftists, through a leftist censorship committee, I think your usefulness (except as a useful idiot for the left) is done.  And that’s the good thing that’s coming from all this.  Once you figure out the game being played by the Left and the Fake Right you stop caring what people say about you and then you can say what you really think.  A young guy at work, nice kid, asked what I thought about the NFL kneeling crap.  Now I knew he didn’t care one way or the other (or so he says).  So, I said the players and the owners can do whatever they want.  And, so can I.  So, I’ll never watch another NFL game until they apologize for what they’ve been doing for the last year.  And since I know that will never happen in a million years I can start using the time I wasted watching football on something useful.  I can get an extra post done or write a story or go out and take some pictures or read a book by someone who writes things that I enjoy.  And by turning off the NFL I’ve done my small part to starve the rats.

Bowling Night

Scene 1 – 7am Monday, White House West Wing, President Trump in the Oval Office on the phone with Steve Bannon

President Trump (PT) – Look Bannon, just because I fired you doesn’t mean you can get away with ducking my calls.

Steve Bannon (SB) (on the phone line) – Sorry Mr. President, but it’s 4a.m. here in LA.  And last night I was detained by pressing business.  The whole Weinstein thing has got us working really late.

PT – Yeah, yeah whatever.  Look I’m supposed to get together with the President of Poland and he’s under the mistaken impression that I’m a pro caliber bowler.

SB – Is that because you told him you are?

PT – That’s beside the point.  What I need is someone to check my form and make sure I’m not hooking it.

SB – I don’t know.  I’ve seen you bowl.  There are navy jets with less hook than you.  Wouldn’t it be easier to just say you threw out your back?

PT – You’re not helping Bannon.

SB – Well look, I’ve got a friend who used to be a pro bowler.  He’s the perfect guy to give you some pointers.  I’ll send the security guys his info and they can have him in the White House tonight.  I’ll let him know he has his work cut out for him.

PT – Boy I wish I hadn’t fired you.  Then I could fire you now.  Goodbye!

 

Scene 2 – Early that night, White House Bowling Alley

PT – Hey you certainly got here early.  I wasn’t expecting you till ten.

Bowling Pro (BP) – I always bowl at this time.

PT – Okay, sure, whatever.  You want to bowl a practice game just to warm up?

BP – Sure pal, why not?  My partner didn’t show and it’s Friday so there’s no rush.

PT – Friday?  It’s Monday.

BP – It ain’t Monday.  Otherwise I’d be getting up for work tomorrow and wouldn’t be here.

PT – Bannon sure knows how to pick ‘em.  Okay, sure it’s Friday.  Let’s bowl.

BP – Whatever you say.  (mumbling) another nut!

PT – What?

BP – Nothing, nothing.  Let’s bowl.

(President Trump takes his first throw.  The ball hooks left only knocking down one pin).

BP – You hooked it.

PT – I know I hooked.  What do I do about it?

BP – You’re swinging your arm out during the advance.  Slow it down and concentrate on the pocket.  The ball will follow your eye.

PT – Okay, let me try that again.

BP – Perfect you got the spare.

PT – Yes I am actually an amazing bowler.

BP – Oh, now you’re an amazing bowler.  Listen pal, my neighbor’s kid Tommy Manicotti is in the fourth grade and currently has the measles but he could beat you bowling left handed.

PT – Oh, yeah?  Well I could have Tommy Manicotti investigated by the FBI.  Then he wouldn’t be so tough.

BP – You, are a mental case.

PT – Yeah, well I’ve got my form back, so you can just take a hike.

BP – Oh, yeah?  I’ll bet you ten bucks the next one ends up in the right gutter.

PT – How about ten thousand?

BP – Sure pal, make it ten thousand.  I’ll call up my Uncle Rockefeller for a loan. (mumbles) What a mook.

(President Trump throws the ball and gutters to the right)

PT – What the hell happened?  I always hook to the left.

BP – You lost your concentration with all the yelling and overcompensated.

PT – You really know what you’re talking about.  How did you figure that out?

BP – Well, to be honest, I kinda have the same problem.  I usually bowl with this neighbor of mine.  He’s the nicest guy in the world, would give you the shirt off his back, but he’s also the most annoying man on the face of the planet.  I sometimes have to count to ten after talking to him just to get my concentration back.

PT – Yeah, I know a guy like that too.  Vice President Pence.  Great guy but always annoying me about what people might think about my speeches.

BP – Yeah, I know what you mean.  The President at the Racoons Lodge is always going on about some charity thing we have to sponsor.  Very annoying.

PT – Yeah these guys never give you a break.  Sounds like we have similar problems.  Does it ever get you down?

BP – Sure pal, every New Yorker deals with the rat race every day but when he goes home at night he’s king of his castle.  If he’s got a good wife and a few good friends it doesn’t matter if his job is tough and there’s not enough money for that new bowling ball.  He’s still the richest man in the world because he’s free and as good as the next guy.  And he’s living in the greatest country on the face of the earth.

PT – You’re a New Yorker?

BP – And so are you.  Do we sound like we’re from Boston?

PT – That’s true.  It’s just being here I assumed you were local.

BP – Well my mother’s people were originally from Passaic but they moved to the Bronx way back.

PT – Hmm.  What you said made a lot of sense.  Mind if I use it in a speech I’m gonna make?

BP – Knock yourself out.  My lodge brothers usually wander off to the sandwich table when I start gassing about that stuff.  They’re more interested in who’s pitching for the Dodgers and Giants when they play a cross-town.

PT – You live in California now?

BP – Huh?  No!  (mumbles)  This guy’s got a screw loose.

PT – Oh, never mind.  Well look.  Thanks for the pointers.  And thanks for the speech line.  Maybe we could get together again sometime and talk politics.

BP – Sure I’m here every Friday night, unless Alice wants to go to the Hong Kong Gardens.

PT – What?  Okay sure. Bye.

Scene 3 -A little later that night, West Wing

(President Trump on the phone with Security)

PT – What is it Al?

Secret Service Agent (SSA) (on phone) – Mr. President, that bowling pro friend of Mr. Bannon’s just called to apologize.  He’s stuck in traffic outside Washington and won’t make it tonight.   …….  Mr. President are you still there?  Did you hear what I said?

PT – Uh, yeah sure.  Thanks. (hangs phone up)  Hmm.