Scene 1: West Wing of the White House, Monday at 7 a.m.
President Trump (PT) – Bannon. Bannon! Where the hell are you Steve?
Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, please stop shouting. You fired Steve Bannon a few weeks ago.
PT – I did? What the hell was I drinking?
VPP – I believe you were cold sober sir.
PT – This is awful. I’m negotiating tax and policy priorities with Cryin’ Chuck Schumer and Crypt Keeper Pelosi. And I don’t have anyone with the cajones to warn me when I’m being played.
VPP – Well, Mr. President I’ve always tried to give you good advice on policy.
PT – Nothing personal Mike, but you’d bring a slingshot to a gunfight and I need someone who’d tell me to bring an RPG.
VPP – Well I don’t think Steve is in the mood to help right now.
PT – Then get me someone who is outside the Washington circle. I need a man of the deplorables.
VPP – Are you looking for the lunatic fringe?
PT – No, someone without the tattoos and MRE stockpile. Or at least with a minimum of either.
VPP – Well how about that guy with the blog. What was it camera guy at Big Dipper something?
PT – You talking about photog at orionscoldfire.com?
VPP – Yeah, that guy.
PT – I threw him out last time. He always ends up pissing me off. But you know, his advice is usually pretty good. And he was from Brooklyn in the day. Alright get him down here. And hurry, Schumer is trying to get me to put in transgender bathrooms in the West Wing.
Scene 2 : West Wing, outside the Oval Office Tuesday 10 a.m., photog is knocking tentatively on the door, while a marine eyes him suspiciously
PT – Come in photog, and close the door behind you.
Photog (PHT) – Good morning Mr. President.
PT – Sit down and have a pastry. I have them flown in from an Italian Bakery in Queens. They’re the best.
PHT – Thank you sir but I’m not hungry.
PT – Don’t be such a stiff. You’re an Italian. You know nothing important gets decided unless bread is broken. Have a sfogliatella.
PHT – Sure, thanks.
PT – And have some coffee. It’s the best in the world. I have it cold brewed fresh every day.
PHT – Thanks I will.
PT – Alright, now that I’ve put you at ease, I need you to give me some information and maybe advice.
PHT – What do you want to know?
PT – What are the real people thinking?
PHT – Mr. President, they’re confused and worried. They’re seeing how useless the republicans in Congress are and they don’t know if you can make them do the right thing. Ryan and McConnell are either useless or working against you. McCain is actively siding with the Democrats and you’re mending fences with Chuck and Nancy. Plus the White House seems to be pushing for amnesty for illegal aliens and now you even seem to be reneging on the Paris Accord decision. A lot of people think you’ve lost your nerve or are being blackmailed by Mueller.
PT – What about you? Is that what you think?
PHT – I was willing to wait until you actually committed on some of these things. But it does seem like things are getting a bit confusing.
PT – Boy, I gotta say. You people are a bunch of rabbits. You can’t win a negotiation if you don’t even get the other side to come to the table. Don’t you think I know how the optics look when you’re courting the victim, I mean partner? You’ve got to speak their language a little to loosen things up. It’s not like I’m gonna let Cryin’ Chuck get what he wants. I just want him to think he got the best deal he could.
PHT – Well, I sure hope you’re right. I’d hate to go into the mid-terms without the country feeling like you can get the country moving in the right direction on immigration. After all you said there was gonna be a wall and so far there isn’t.
PT – Look I’m working all the angles and I’ll have a policy in place that will satisfy the anti-immigration agenda. But it’s going to take time. What I need to know is what can I do short-term to keep the natives from getting restless?
PHT – I’d say the best thing you can do is stomp on all of George Soros’s zombies. Go after Antifa and BLM and Sanctuary Cities with everything you’ve got. Make’em squeal and get their leaders in jail where they belong.
PT – That’s pretty strong medicine. It’s gonna be tough to get the FBI and the DOJ to work with me on that.
PHT – Well. You asked me what would get you some street cred with your voters. That’s what it’ll take.
PT – You know it’s funny. You never have any good news for me. Only lousy jobs to do. Why is that.
PHT – Because you say you want to be the greatest president. That means you have to save the United States from the cancer that’s been allowed to metastasize throughout the country for a century. Chemotherapy isn’t fun and no one smiles at the doctor when he starts the infusion.
PT – Man, are you grim. Look, thanks for the information. But do me a favor. Before you come back here next time, make sure you’re on your meds. Your brand of industrial strength pessimism is too much for even my self-confidence.
PHT – Well Mr. President, you know, “a prophet is not without honor, save in his own country.”
PT – Okay, Nostradamus, you’re done. Don’t let the Oval Office door hit you in the butt on the way out. And don’t call us, we’ll call you, maybe.
PHT – Goodbye Mr. President.