Trump vs The F.B.I.

Scene 1 (White House, Oval Office)

President Trump (PT) – Look Jeff, I’m glad that Comey is finally out of there but you’ve got to clean out that nest of bozos over there right away.  I’ve got to have the FBI doing some real work.  Between the narcotraficantes and the street gangs Americans are losing faith in the government.

Jeff Sessions (JS) – Mr. President, we’re firing and reorganizing as quickly as we can but there are just so many Obama plants in the FBI that it’s like trying to swat a cloud of mosquitoes.  You’re still gonna get bit.

PT – That bad?  How many useful agents are there?

JS – I’d say about 40%.  And there’s just no easy way to segregate the good from the bad effectively enough to control the problems.  When we restrict the classified clearance of the known bad actors they jump on someone else’s computer and steal info off the database when they get a chance.  And how can you stop that?  It’s hard to tell one guy in a cheap suit and a bad haircut from another.

PT – Never disparage a guy in a cheap suit and a bad haircut.  He could be the next Commander in Chief.

JS – No offense intended sir.

PT – And none perceived.

JS – Exactly.

PT – Well, Jeff, something’s gotta give.  I’ll discuss this with my highest counsel and get back to you.

JS – Ivanka?

PT – No, Schmoopy.

Scene 2 (White House, West Wing)

PT – Hello Schmoopy.

Melania Trump (MT) – Hello Schmoopy.  Why do you have on the sad face?

PT – Because the FBI is full of bozos.

MT – Schmoopy, what is the bozos?

PT – A bozo is a clown.

MT – But the bozos should make you smile and laugh.  Do they wear the funny face and the big shoes?

PT – No they wear the cheap suit and the bad haircut.

MT – Well that is the problem.  I never laugh at the cheap suit and the bad haircut.  It is not funny but very sad.  Why do you not make them wear the bozo suit?

PT – Because no one would put up with that.  He’d quit first.

MT – Would that be so bad.

PT – No Schmoopy.  That would be kinda good.  Thanks.

MT – That reminds me, I’ve got to bring in the tailor and the barber for you.  We must look our best Schmoopy.

 

Scene 3 (FBI Headquarters – Jeff Sessions addressing the Executive Leadership of the FBI divisions)

JS – President Trump has formulated a strategy to streamline and optimize the reorganization of the Bureau.  Effective immediately the organization will be divided into two groupings.  The new division will start out essentially empty.  It will contain a new director whom I will select and an administrative staff. This division will be augmented by any of the existing personnel of the Bureau who can be reliably vetted as effective agents.  This new division will be designated the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Agent Smith (AG) – Mr. Sessions, won’t the other division still be called the FBI.

JS – Yes, it will in fact be called the FBI.  This older grouping will start out with all the personnel of the current Bureau.  It will be up to the rank and file to facilitate their transfer to the new organization.  They can do this by telling us where the “bodies are buried.”

AG – Why exactly would we want to leave our present positions?  We have a pretty good organization and we like the way things are done now.

JS – Well, there are some changes coming down the pike.  For one we’re changing the dress code.  Here is a visual on the standard attire that will be expected starting Monday.  Of course, some variation will be accommodated for gender and ethnic considerations but essentially this is your new look.

AG – Sir, that’s a photo of Bozo the Clown.

JS – Yes, the beloved Icon of the 1960s and ‘70s.  You all will don the face paint, big red squeaky nose, orange hair tufts, size twenty shoes and colorful puffy jumpsuit of Bozo.  This will incentivize you to consider helping us clean out the rat’s nest of Obama bitter clingers and fifth columnists.  Also, it will allow us to easily monitor your proximity around sensitive information and systems.  Standard operating procedure will be to check for clowns before leaving your work station unattended even for a second.  And on your official government identification badge will be emblazoned your new department name FBI – Feckless Bozos of Imbecility.

AG – You paint a vivid picture Mr. Sessions.

JS – We want to make this decision as clear as we possibly can.  You will stay in your present structure under the new arrangement.  You will be assigned duties that include Saturday Morning Children’s Television and outreach to pediatric hospital wards.  Classes in juggling and seltzer squirting marksmanship will be mandatory.  This will go on until either:

  • You show us you can work for the country instead of against it.
  • We find out you were involved in the leaks.
  • You resign.

AG – Go to hell Sessions.

JS – Ah, ah ah!  That’s a Bozo no-no!

Wherefore Art Thou Shmoe-meo?

The Last 1360 Days of the Trump Presidency

 

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – Oh Shmoe-meo, Shmoe-meo, wherefore art thou Shmoe-meo?

Morning Shmoe (MS) – I’m right here at the teleprompter and it’s 37 seconds past the quarter hour my dear Lycra.

LS – Oh, Shmoe-meo renounce thy father’s name, for I refuse to become Lycra Spandexy-Browfurrowed.  A girl can only endure so much.  You’re a modern metrosexual man.  Take Spandexy as your last name. Shmoe Spandexy has a kind of alliterative magic to it.

MS – Sure baby, a rose by any other name would blah, blah, blah.  Just as long as we tie the knot before Chris Cashews is on the show again.  He’s getting that tingle up his leg again and I don’t think either one of us is safe alone with him during commercial breaks.

LS – Wow, that’s grim.  Okay I am sold oh Shmoe-meo.  I’ll make the announcement on-air and the joyous huzzahs will resound around the set.

MS – Uh, yeah sure.  And three, two, one!

LS – And we’re back.  During the break, Morning Shmoe agreed to become my husband and equal partner for life.

MS – You said it toots.

LS – And since we’re both delirious with joy, we wanted our audience to be the first to know.

MS – And since this is the network that never stops pushing, we’re going to turn today’s show into a forum devoted to giving us the best advice for our life together.  Lycra, who do we have scheduled for the panel?

LS – First up is our very own Snarkful Sadclown.  And who better than an androgynous lesbian to help me pick out my wedding dress?

Snarkful Sadclown (SS) – Well, Lycra, if you really intend to degrade your body by becoming a walking biological function and a chattel handmaiden for the patriarchy, the least I can do is make sure you arrive in comfortable loafers and a sensible pantsuit from the Hillary Collection.

LS – But Mommy and Daddy said I’d look like a princess!

SS – This ain’t your Mommy’s network Princess.  And I’d recommend a number two buzzcut for the hairstyle.  That’s right, this is real, you aren’t dreaming, this your life.

LS – Why do you keep saying that?

SS – You-Tube said it gets clicks.

MS – Next up is noted gender studies authority and NY Times bestselling author of, “Painful Changes, Wardrobe Choices,” Dave-Sue Haddgonadds.  Good morning Dr. Haddgonadds.  Am I pronouncing that correctly?

Dave-Sue Haddgonadds (DSH) – The dees are silent, you silly man.

MS – My apologies.  Dr., what can I learn from you to make my marriage more fulfilling?

DSH – First of all, Shmoe, be aware that even contemplating yet another marriage between white, heterosexual, cis-gendered people is a crime against all LGBTQ and people of color.  You are transgressing against the gorgeous mosaic that is the American life of today.  It is vibrant, it is diverse and it will not be flouted by your retrogressive, hate-filled choices.

LS – Yes but we are white, heterosexual, cis-gendered people.

DSH – That’s no excuse.  Nowadays, options in transgender hormone therapy and transformative surgery allow any number of alternative body choices.  For instance, Shmoe, I envision you as a five foot three inch tall black woman with a penchant for shall we say alimentary amorous pursuits.

MS – Five foot three?

DSH – Yes Dr. Farber is a virtuoso with the bone saw.

MS – I’m not sure I’m comfortable with the idea of gender reassignment surgery.

DSH – No problem.  There’s no pressure whatsoever.  Our motto is “If you like your genitalia you can keep your genitalia.”

MS – Somehow, that’s less than totally reassuring.

DSH – And you, Lycra, would be just a stunning creature at 6’ 3’’with a Douglas Fairbanks Jr. mustache and a Heidelberg scar.

LS – But I want to be a princess!

DSH – Fine.  We’ll compromise You can be bi-sexual.  See I’m willing to meet you half way.

MS – Dr., I hope during the break we can find some common ground on our vision of married life but first let me introduce our next panelist.  He’s the greatest living authority on pre-nuptial agreements Tad Litigious.  Good morning Counselor, am I pronouncing that correctly?

Tad Litigious (TL) – No, Shmoe, the vee is silent.

MS – But there is no vee.

TL – That’s why it’s silent.

MS – Okay, Tad, what do I need to know about the legal aspects of marriage.

TL – Well, first off Shmoe, you’re gonna need an ironclad pre-nup before you sign up for this rodeo.

MS – Why?  Lycra and I are modern people with deep empathy for each other and compatible views on life and social responsibility.  I respect her as a strong independent woman and I embrace her life choices both personally and professionally.

TL – Sure you do Poindexter.  But listen to Uncle Tad for a minute and I’ll set you straight on a couple of items.  So, you two are on the same wavelength and believe in all the same touchy-feely talking points.  Super-duper.  But let’s look about five years down the road.  By then little blondie over there is just a skosh less perky here and there and your network will be replacing her with the twinkie du jure.  Now based on what I’ve heard from the two of you, Little Miss Muffet over there isn’t going to go into the baby raising business for you.  She’s gonna shop her act around the networks and she’ll end up parked on the Home Shopping Network with the rest of the over the hill bimbos and probably putting down about a pint of gin every a.m. before curtain.  My guess is you’re the kind of old boy who’ll find the twinkie du jure sort of interesting and with one thing following another, I’m guessing you’ll be calling me up and handing me a seven-figure retainer to help you switch around Mrs. Browfurroweds.  Now, if you don’t have a pre-nup in place, she’ll get 85% of your stuff.  If you have one she’ll get 55%.  So, it’s your call.  I get paid either way.

MS – Well Tad, that all seems very unlikely, (sotto voce) call me later.

LS – Hey I heard that!

MS – Well that’s all the time we have, but I just want all our guests to know that we valued their advice and with any luck at all we will have a full and happy life as man and wife.  Or as something and something and for some reasonable length of time.  But for me and Lycra…

LS – Up yours Shmoe!

MS – Here’s to a happy and progressive today.

The Last 1360 Days of the Trump Presidency

Morning Shmoe 2

(The set of the Morning Shmoe News Show)

Morning Schmoe (MS) – It’s sixty seven seconds past the quarter hour and we’re back at the Morning Schmoe Show.  I’m the eponymous Schmoe Browfurrowed and I’m joined by my lovely and enthusiastic co-host Lycra Spandexy.

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – I am lovely and enthusiastic, amn’t I?

MS – Yes you are Lycra and we wouldn’t have you any other way.  It’s actually in your contract.  And now here’s the rest of our panel.  First up, former disgraced journalist and now shameless democrat shill Mike Carbuncle.

Mike Carbuncle (MC) – I like to say semi-disgraced.

MS – Yes you do. Next up, my fellow network superstar host and advocate for comfortable women’s shoes Snarkful Sadclown.

Snarkful Sadclown (SS) – Everyone should wear them.

MS – Well almost everyone.  Not you Lycra.

LS – Oh thank God.  No offense Snarky.

SS – Almost none taken Lycra.

MS – And finally my other fellow network superstar host Chris Cashews.

Chris Cashews (CC) – Ooh, just hearing my name gives me that tingle up my leg.

SS – Please try to pace yourself Chris.  It’s a three-hour show.

MS – Well gang, let’s get right down to it.  Fraudulent and illegal President Trump has just passed the 100-day mark of his fraudulent and illegal presidency.

LS – He’s so not good!  If I was allowed to hate people I’d hate him.  And I’d hate his wife who is older than me and not young like I am.  I’m not old yet you know.

MC – That was very well put Lycra.  You are very young.  And your platinum blonde hair reminds me of the time I interviewed beautiful Hollywood blonde bombshell Jean Harlow right after she starred with Clark Gable in 1933’s Red Dust.

SS – But you would have been four years old in 1933.

MC – Yes, I was quite precocious.

MS – Getting back on track.  We are here to look objectively at the events of the last 100 days and without bias decide exactly where it became a failed presidency.

CC – That won’t be too hard at all.  Back when I was working for storied Speaker of the House, Slip  O’Peel, we had a saying, “The buck stops here.”

SS – Didn’t well-known racist and US President Harry S. Truman say that?

CC – Oh, he said it too but he stole it from us.

SS – But O’Peel would have only been 13 when Truman was quoted as saying it.

CC – Yes, he was precocious.  Anyway, my point is that obviously, Trump’s presidency became a failed one on Inauguration Day when he failed to use his entire speech as a hymn of praise to Barack Hussein Obama, the most gifted and beloved person ever to occupy the Oval Office.  Did I ever tell you the time I got this tingle up my leg during one of his speeches?

MS – Yes, Chris you have.  But we’ve really got to move on now.  Well, folks, Chris says Inauguration Day.  Any other opinions?

LS – Yes Shmoe.  I think it happened later.  I think it happened when he was mean to those reporters on TV.  Reporters (and TV people in general) are the best and nicest people in the world.  Being mean to them is like really not good.  That is when I feel his presidency failed.

SS – Wow Lycra, compared to Chris and Mike your thesis was surprisingly free of anachronisms.

LS – Thanks Snarky I can see that you respect my intellect.

SS – Sure.

LS – By the way what’s an actronism?

SS – Never mind.

MS – Okay Mike care to share your opinion?

MC – Certainly Shmoe.  This presidency officially ended when Trump nominated Gorsuch.  When Trump told the country that Gorsuch represented the highest standards of judicial competency he overplayed his hand.  To quote from my highly popular and respected blog post of that day, I extemporized, “Mr President, you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.”  Man was I on fire in that post!

SS – Wait, Abraham Lincoln said that!

MC – He stole it from me.

SS – But that would make you two hundred years old!

MC – I don’t think it’s polite to discuss people’s age.  Even if they aren’t nominally women.

LS – Yes, Snarky.  That’s wrong and hurtful.

SS – Oh good grief.  This is almost as bad as election night.  This is not a dream and this is really happening.  Maybe I should cut a deal with Fox.

MS – Mike, Lycra that’s enough.  We can’t work out the chronological details of all these people right here and now.  Let’s just agree that the Trump administration is already over.

All Participants – Oh yeah;…  That’s for sure;…  Damn straight;…  I’ll say.

MS – So the question that has to be answered is what exactly is going to be going on for the next 1,360 days?

LS – Well Shmoe, don’t you think that evil Trump and his evil people will see that they’re beaten and run away?

MS – Well Lycra, you might think so but it’s a funny thing.  Not everyone is as reasonable as we are.  I’m afraid Trump thinks that elections have consequences.

MC – Hey he can’t use that line, it’s an Obama copyright.

MS – Something ironic about that.

MC – What do you mean?

MS – Oh forget it.  Well anyway, let’s just say that if we just keep saying that this is a failed presidency long enough and often enough the public will believe it.

SS – I’m not so sure.  Have you noticed that the last few surveys say the public trusts us less than Trump?

MS – Yeah but once we tell them that Trump is a greedy billionaire and we’re honest friends of the common man they’ll believe all the crap we tell them, right?

SS – But that’s what I’m trying to tell you.  They don’t believe that anymore.

MS – But why?

MC – Maybe because we backed the BLM movement and the Antifa and the White Privilege whiners and the Transgender bathroom crowd and the illegal rights groups and …

SS – Hey, those are my viewers!

MS – Yeah but look at our ratings.  They’re not that much right?  Looks like we may be outnumbered in this thing.

LS – But Shmoe, we won, didn’t we?  We’ll be all right now and Hillary will be President and we’ll live happily ever after.  Won’t we?

MS – I wish I knew Lycra, I wish I knew.

 

Wherefore Art Thou Shmoe-meo?

Morning Shmoe 2 – Trump Hates Bannon!!!  Just Saying.

Chris Buskirk over at American Greatness is fast becoming one of my favorite reads.  He had a great article ( https://amgreatness.com/2017/04/15/foolish-choose-morning-joe-crowd-bannon-voters/ ) that has once again inspired me to revisit our friends at Morning Shmoe.

 

Scene: Studio Set at Morning Shmoe

Shmoe Browfurrowed (AKA Morning Shmoe) (MS) – It’s three and a half minutes before the quarter hour and we’re back.  Lycra have you heard the latest evidence about how Trump has already eliminated Steve Bannon and is about to replace him with Barney Frank.

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – No Shmoe, tell me all about it.

MS – Well it’s obvious to anyone paying attention.  Trump is wearing ties.  And as you all know Bannon doesn’t wear a tie.  You do the math!

LS – That’s so true!  Well now that Barney Frank is the virtual president what wonderful changes do you forsee?

MS – As first order of business, Melania will be eliminated as First Lady, either by divorce or deportation and Caitlyn Jenner installed in that position.  Next Ivanka will begin the slow, deliberate process of becoming Ivanko.  After that Trump will begin his transition which will culminate in him grabbing herself.

LS – It just writes itself, doesn’t it Shmoe?

MS – Yeah, sort of.

LS – Shmoe, what do you think caused the original loss of trust between Trump and Bannon.

MS – Well Lycra, we may never truly know but we can speculate.

LS – Can we?

MS – Oh, not only can we but we will.  We’ve still got several hundred words to add before this post is full.

LS – Post?

MS – Nothing, nothing.  Anyway, if you remember during the election it was rumored that Donald Trump had become a werewolf or possibly a loup garou.

LS – Yes, that was definitely a theory that swirled around the press corp.

MS – Well, I recently heard from someone (or possibly from a voice inside my head) that Bannon had become a vampire or some other type of undead.

LS – Well, that would explain a lot of things.

MS – Yes it would Lycra, yes it would.  After all, if Underworld has taught us anything it’s that lycanthropes and vampires are always enemies.  Also, we haven’t seen Bannon during the day recently.  And he is obviously suffering from a skin condition brought on by his vampiric aversion to sunlight.

LS – Of course, why didn’t I realize this before?

MS – Because it’s only obvious after a great mind points it out.

LS – Oh Shmoe, you are wise.  But where do we go from here.  Now that progressives are firmly in charge of the US executive branch again what is the next order of business?

MS – There are so many Obama initiatives that are languishing and that need a few trillions of taxpayer dollars to really perk up.  I would say that a new cabinet level department is the first order of business.  The Department of Black Lives Matter is the unofficial name I heard mentioned (by a voice in my head) but the name is secondary.  The important thing is eliminating this whole law enforcement and justice concept that has somehow infected our government for too long.

LS – Shmoe, that’s marvelous.  And to think, the Trump administration hasn’t even acknowledged Bannon’s departure yet.  What are they waiting for?

MS – I would guess it has to do with the cycles of the moon.  Lycanthrope/vampire interactions are far from an exact science.  My guess is the announcement will occur at the new moon.  That’s April 26th to you normals.

LS – Shmoe, isn’t it great to be living in this best of all possible worlds?

MS – Yes it is Lycra, Yes it is.

 

The Last 1360 Days of the Trump Presidency

Morning Shmoe

I read the following article this morning ( https://amgreatness.com/2017/04/12/dont-fall-morning-joes-propaganda-bannon/ ).  It inspired the following parody.

 

Location: Morning Shmoe TV Studio

Morning Shmoe (MS) – Welcome back.  It’s twenty minutes past the hour and I’ve got to say I’ve never been more pessimistic about the future of this country, this planet or this universe.  I believe, based on the universally applicable experience I gained by being a republican congressman twenty years ago, that the Trump administration is not only doomed but that putting Gorsuch on the Supreme Court will end life as we know it on planet earth and quite probably will cause the complete collapse of the universe into a singularity or as the unscientific people would say, a black hole.

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – Wow, Shmoe.  That sounds really bad.

MS – It is Lycra, it is.

LS – But Shmoe, can we say black hole?  Wouldn’t that be cultural appropriation or white privilege?

MS – No Lycra.  It’s science.  And science is settled.

LS – Well I hope all you Trump voters are satisfied.  You’ve ruined the universe.  And it was a really good universe too.  There were stars and planets and dolphins and Al Gore.

MS – That’s right Lycra.  There were many wonderful things.  But that’s all over now.  By my calculations, the whole universe will end on April 16th at 11:47 AM, Eastern Daylight Savings Time.  This final collapse will be triggered by the complete loss of credibility of the Trump Administration when everyone realizes that the Easter Bunny is a fraud and that the winner of the White House Easter Egg Hunt is fake news.

LS – Well I guess I better skip getting my hair and nails done for Easter.

MS – That’s right Lycra.  There’s no reason to do anything anymore.

LS – Thanks a lot Trump voters.  You all really stink.

MS – Yes they do Lycra, yes they do.  But I just want to throw out one small hope.  If all the Trump voters repent of their sins and demand that Trump be impeached and expelled from the White House and Hillary is allowed to ascend to the presidency and Gorsuch is replaced with a liberal and all the senators and congress persons are magically replaced with Bernie Sanders clones, then maybe, just maybe, the universe will be spared.

LS – Oh, that would be so great.  Hillary must be president.  And she’s got that great new hair-cut and those great new shoes that look so good with her white pants suit.  Oh Shmoe, make this happen.  Make the Trump voters do this.  Make them do it now.  Then I’ll know not to cancel my hair and nails appointment.  Make them do it now.

MS – I’m sorry Lycra.  But I can’t make them obey.  They are the selfish deplorables.  They hate everything good like Amtrak, tote-bags and polar bears.  They are monsters.

LS – Oh Shmoe, why is this happening?  Why aren’t the good people winning?  We’re so much smarter and prettier than these deplorables, except for Ivanka who is really very pretty and don’t you think that is wrong.  I mean, shouldn’t she be really ugly and fat and not have her own perfume?  Shouldn’t I have her perfume instead and also her daddy’s money too?

MS – Yes Lycra you should.  And that is how we know that there is no god.  If She existed She would give you all of Ivanka’s things and she would have to toil away on this stupid show instead.

LS – Oh Shmoe, you are so wise.

MS – Yes Lycra, yes I am.

Morning Shmoe 2

Melania vs The First 100 Days

(Monday, 6am, White House West Wing)

President Trump (PT) – Schmoopy! Schmoopy!  Where are you Schmoopy I need to talk to you.

Melania Trump (MT) – Schmoopy, calm down, I’m right here!

PT – Schmoopy, I need your help.

MT – Of course you do Schmoopy.  What do you want.

PT – The Republicans in Congress are complete tools and can’t get out of their own way.  I need someone persuasive to get my agenda done for me.  I want you to convince the Democrats to sign off on my agenda.

MT – How can I do that?  I am not the ambassador.  I am the First Lady. My job is to smile and be friendly to the ugly people you have to work with.  How can I make them do the things you want them to do?

PT – Because you are a hot babe and these congressmen are geeks.  If you smile at them they would walk through fire for you.  They are total losers.  And don’t call them ugly it hurts their feelings, I think.

MT – Is this the true thing?

PT – It is the true thing.

MT – Okay what do you want from these congress geeks?

PT – I want them to approve the Trump Care Bill.

MT – If I do this then you will stop crying like the baby?

PT – I don’t cry like a baby.  I’m just tired of all the jerks who don’t listen to me.  Well, while you’re there can you also get them to approve Justice Gorsuch for the Supreme Court?

MT – Okay. Anything else?

PT – Uhhh…  Can you get them to approve the new budget?

MT – Okay.  Schmoopy, let us cut to the chasing and get from you the whole list?  I am the busy woman.

PT – Sure, sure Schmoopy, I’ll have Ryan or Pence or one of those other wonks put something together right away.  Basically, it’s called “The First One Hundred Day Plan.  It’s the secret of every successful presidency.  All the important things get done in the first 100 days.  After that it’s just coasting.  If you get all this stuff done now, I can go on vacation for the next three and a half years.

MT – Oh Schmoopy that would be so nice I could spend the time redecorating the White House.  That picture of Hillary is frightening Barron.  I will replace it with the Where’s Waldo picture he likes.

Are you sure you can get all this done?  We only have another few weeks left.

MT – Weeks?  Oh Schmoopy, I was planning on getting it done this afternoon.  I have a quick trip to Queens this morning.  I need to pick up those lamb chops you like at the butcher’s and I need to meet Ivanka at Trump Tower to get our nails done, but then I will go to the Congress and tell them to do this list.  I will meet you tonight for the lambs chops and rice for supper.

PT – Schmoopy, that would be great.  But be careful, the Congress is full of skunks.  They’re mostly jerks.

(Later that day in the House of Representatives)

MT – Attention congress guys.  I am your First Lady and I must speak with all of you.  Please pay attention because this is very important and I have not much time.  I must get that Where’s Waldo picture up before Barron gets home.  The Hillary picture is very scary.  I have a list of things that you must do for Schmoopy, I mean Mr. President, your boss.  Mr. President has told me that you do not want to do these things and you cannot be fired right away.  But that does not mean that you will not suffer.  Mr. President is very loud and he will yell at you and he will do the tweet and you will be very sad.  And it is good that you do as he says.  He is very smart and has the billions which make him even smarter and more handsome.  And you want to do what I say because I am very pretty and you all are very homely.  I say homely and not ugly because that would make you feel bad.  And if you listen to me you will be happy and not sad like when you listen to the Pelosi who is very scary and has the bulgey eyes that look like popping out.  She is very old and wrinkly and sounds like a crow and I think she might be crazy because she thinks Schmoopy’s name is Bush, the brother of low energy Jeb.  Also, if you do these things for Mr. President he will like you and give you the cuff links and the autographed deal art book which is very smart because he wrote it.  And even more important, you will keep your jobs and not go to jail.  Mr. President says you are all crooks and he wants to fire you and jail you and yell at you.  So, don’t say no but say yes instead and be happy and not sad.

And you congress girls I want you to listen too.  Do what I say and I will tell you the name of the girl who does my nails in Trump Tower.  And when you look a little better Mr. President will invite you and the homely men to the barbecue at the White House.  Then you will wear the push-up bra and look less homely and you can try to get the homely congress guys to marry you and let you quit the congress and stay home with the babies.  That way you won’t end up like the Pelosi who looks like the crazy witch or Hillary who was lost in the woods or Rosie who even scares the lesbians a little bit.  Now get to work and I will wait another fifteen minutes and you will be done and then I will go home to Schmoopy and tell him not to fire you all later with the electing.

(An hour later back at the West Wing)

MT – Hello Schmoopy I am back.

PT – Schmoopy you did it!

MT – Yes, the list is done.  Except the lamb chops were not fresh enough so I got veal.

PT – Well that is kind of a let-down.  But don’t worry.  I forgive you.

MT – Thank you Schmoopy.  You are the good man.

Trump vs The Mad Scientists

President Trump (PT) – Hey Mike! Mike, where the hell are you now, I need something.

Mike Pence (MP) – Right here Mr. President. I just got off the phone with Rachel Maddow and she was very upset about the income tax prank.

PT – Yeah, well you know what she can go do.

MP – Precisely, sir.

PT – Yeah, well anyway, I want to start the swamp draining a little early. We can restructure the whole thing when we have the new set up sussed out but the first thing I want to do is shut down the NSF and the NEA.

MP – Well I can kind of understand the NEA. That is a highly leftist infiltrated organization. And I share your unhappiness with the whole climate change industry and see why we can cut funding altogether on that enterprise. But isn’t it highly short-sighted to cut off funds to science all together? I mean if for no other reason doesn’t the military depend on the technology that streams from basic scientific research?

PT – Mike, haven’t you ever heard of the Third Law of Funding for civil R&D?

MP – Actually I haven’t.

PT – In Dr. Terence Kealey’s 1996 landmark study, “The Economic Laws of Scientific Research,” he formulated the third law which states that public funding not only displaces private funding but it does it at a factor greater than one. In other words, for every dollar of government money that is investedin civilian R&D more than one dollar is lost of potential private R&D funding. You see what that means don’t you?

MP – Mr. President, no disrespect but are you trolling me?

PT – Not at all Mike. I’m just showing you that by eliminating government funding of civilian R&D we will actually improve science and technology progress.

MP – But how can private industry afford to immediately increase their spending to make up for this government expenditure?

PT – Easy, I cut their taxes by the amount that we currently charge them for the funding and the government overhead we currently spend to administer those programs.

MP – My God, that’s brilliant.

PT – Yeah, Kealey really is a genius.

MP – but Mr. President, you are forgetting one problem. How will you employ all those people currently in the NEA and NSF. They’re gonna be mad.

PT – I’ll send them a link to Monster.com.

MP – Cold.

PT – Equations are cold Mike.

Trump vs The Deep State

Announcer’s Voice (surprising Don Pardo-esque!) – We interrupt this regularly scheduled and highly uninteresting programming to bring an important message from the President of the United States.

(President Trump) – Good evening, my fellow Americans, I hate to break in on your viewing of “Fresh Off the Boat” or whatever other crapfest you were watching, but I need you to wake up for thirty seconds, put down the Doritos and listen carefully.

For the last few months, ever since I kicked Hillary’s ass in the election, Obama and his stooges in the FBI, CIA and NSA have been cooking up a sting operation against my nominees to stop all the things I’m doing to drain the swamp.  You see, they are the swamp and they don’t want to be drained.  Unfortunately some of the appointees allowed themselves to be tricked into trying to hide the contacts that the sting operation was using as bait.  Well that doesn’t reflect well on their own intelligence and honesty.  But they’re also the best we’ve got so I can’t allow this nonsense to go on.

That is why I’ve come up with a two prong solution to this problem.  First I’m providing a blanket pardon to all these nabobs who took the Obama bait.  They don’t deserve it but it’s the only way to put an end to this nonsense.

Second, I’m announcing a bounty for anyone who has evidence that I can use against this little cabal that Obama and Clinton have cooked up.  I’m calling it Dollars for Democrats.  If you have evidence that will allow me to prosecute any of these losers, I’ll give you cash, lots of cash.  You name the price.  A million dollars, a hundred million dollars, let’s talk.  I’ll also throw in a pardon and even secret service protection if it’s on Bill and Hillary (they’re known to get vicious, I’ve heard).  And don’t forget, if you’ve got something showing who is leaking this stuff to the Times and Post I’ll get you a Presidential Medal of Valour (if there is such a thing) and probably put your face on a postage stamp.

Okay, that’s it.  Go back to the bong now but try to remember and think about it if you still can.  Trump out!

 

Trump vs PLOTUS

President Trump (PT):  Mike, where are you?  I need your help.

Mike Pence (MP):  Right here, Mr. President.  What can I do for you?

PT:  I need to announce another appointment.

MP:  Uhh, Mr. President, those are all finished.

PT:  Wrong, Pence.  I have selected the next PLOTUS.

MP:  I’m not familiar with that acronym.

PT:  Poet Laureate of the United States.

MP:  Oh, Mr. President, I mean, I enjoy trolling these people almost as much as you do.  But isn’t that a bridge too far?  Oprah may have a stroke or something.

PT:  Hey look, I need to have some fun with this job.  I’m also gonna make this a twofer by appointing him to the Board of Directors of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

MP:  Alright, I’ll bite.  Who have you picked?

PT:  A man whom I have fired.  A former business associate who does not like me.  I have been completely impartial.  The most impartial.  This appointment is strictly on the merits of his poetry.  His greatness is well known.  Like me he is from New York City.  He hails from the famous neighborhood of Sheepshead Bay.  Not far from Trump Village.  A truly great building complex.  And like me he has appeared on SNL.  His name is Andrew Dice Clay.  His poetry is probably best known for incorporating traditional English nursery rhymes.  His haiku on Mother Goose is legendary.

MP:  Oh good grief.  This is going to cost us on the evangelical vote.

PT:  Nah, we may lose some feminists, but let’s be realistic.  I’m not getting them anyway.  Plus can you just see the headlines on the Times, The New Yorker, The Atlantic?  They’ll be marching with those stupid hats for weeks.  And I’ll commission PLOTUS to write a commemoration.  Possibly something to do with Nantucket.  And while everyone is busy I’ll get a replacement for Kennedy onto SCOTUS.

MP:  You know, this one almost makes sense.  Alright count me in.  But to truly do justice to this action I believe you should make the proclamation on SNL.

PT:  That’s a tough one.  They really hate me there.  But that’s an interesting idea.  I’ll think about it.

MP:  You know, I didn’t even know Clay was still alive.

PT:  Yeah, he’s been on a downward trend since I fired him on the Apprentice.  He could probably use a full-time gig too.  I think I’ll get him a spot in the Justice Department.  Possibly running Title IX enforcement.  That should balance out some of the social justice holdovers from Obama.

MP:  Now that actually kind of is poetry.  Poetic Justice, if you’ll pardon the pun.

PT:  Wow, Mike.  You really need to loosen up.  That was a lead balloon.  I tell you what.  I’ll rent you a copy of Ford Fairlane and have PLOTUS give you a few lessons in funny.  What do you say?

MP:  Hickory dickory, dock?

Trump vs Photog

(Scene 1 – White House West Wing)

President Trump (PT):  Steve, who’s this guy Photog from Orion’s Cold Fire that you’ve put on my appointment calendar?  Is he safe to see?  He sounds like some kind of cult leader.

Stephen Bannon (SB):  Mr. President, he’s a strange but brilliant man who has parodied your campaign and presidency in posts on his website.

PT:  Oh, he’s that blogger nut that makes fun of me?

SB:  Pretty much.

PT:  What has he got on you?  Pictures with a hooker.

SB:  Not quite, just professional courtesy.

PT:  All right send the jackass in.

Photog (PH):  Hello Mr. President.  It’s an honor to meet you.

PT:  You have a funny way of showing it.  Schmoopy?  What the hell is that?

PH:  Well Mr. President, it was a Seinfeld joke.

PT:  Seinfeld?  That guy hates me.  He’s a total jerk!

PH:  Well artists are a strange bunch.

PT:  So, why are you here wasting my time?  Don’t you know how much I’ve got going on?

PH:  I do.  But I know you’ve got a lot of capable staff to get it done so, I thought I would make some suggestions and hope for the best.

PT:  Like what?

PH:  Well, for one thing, I think you should be on TV.

PT:  Hey Einstein, I just got off TV.  I have a new gig.  Maybe you’ve heard of it POTUS?

PH:  Hear me out.  I think you should have a weekly show.  Each week you can speak directly to the American people.  Give them a highlights reel of what’s happening.  Tell them about some problem that you want them to know about.  Maybe read a letter from one of them.  Also, get them involved in some initiative.  Maybe a contest or two based on the most popular suggestion or maybe the least crazy one.  And make sure you give them a little good news every once in a while.  You could even get some celebrities, the ones who aren’t against you to provide a little entertainment.  Your first guests can be the New England Patriots.  You’re supposed to congratulate them anyway.  Might as well get some mileage out of that to start things off.

PT:  Sounds kind of hokey.

PH:  Hokier than the Apprentice or a beauty contest?

PT:  Hmm.  Good point.  Well what else have you got?

PH:  I think once you have two of your Supreme Court selections approved, you should get Congress to pass legislation outlawing affirmative action.

PT:  Are you crazy?  The women and the minorities will go crazy.  It’ll star a civil war.

PH:  Actually, it will avert one.  Don’t you realize that you were elected because you addressed some of the grievances that white men are experiencing because of the same nonsense that allows the affirmative action travesty to continue?  How is affirmative action anything but government mandated discrimination?  Really, it’s time to end it.

PT:  You’re a dangerous individual Photog.

PH:  Quite the contrary, I think ending affirmative action could act to avert danger.  Think of it as a relief valve to release some of the pressure building up among white men.  There are forces on the right that are getting tired of the war against them.  This might calm everyone down a lot.  Plus, everybody would get the respect they deserve by earning it on the merits.

PT:  I’ll think about it.  Anything else?

PH:  Yes.  Change your image.  Drop forty pounds.  Lose the spray-on tan and go with a razor cut.  You’ve got to look more professional.

PT:  All right that’s enough.  Don’t call me I’ll call you.  Maybe.

PH:  Goodbye Mr. President.

 

Trump vs Photog – Part 2 – OCF Goes to Washington