Trump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead I have the link at the bottom of each post to the next installment.  This one began back in March 2018.

 

Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT), Melania Trump (MT), Secretary Mattis (SM)

Scene 1 (White House West Wing, Presidential Living Quarters, 1:30 am Friday 9MAR2018.

PT – Schmoopy, Schmoopy.

MT – What do you need Schmoopy?

PT – Where did you put my Deadpool costume?  I’m meeting with that tiny maniac from North Korea and I’ll need every advantage I can get to avoid being assassinated and to get the best deal.

MT – I promised Mike Pence I would hide it from you until February 2021.

PT – That Pence is so short-sighted.  He doesn’t see the big picture.  When you go up against a maniacal narcissist you need to scare him and throw him off balance.  Seeing me in my Deadpool costume will make him think I may have super powers and also be unkillable.  That means he’s much less likely to try and kill me.

MT – Schmoopy, I am not sure that costume will fit you well.

PT – Did you shrink it washing it?

MT – I think maybe you did some unshrinking of your own.

PT – Well, it’s lycra spandex.  It should just stretch.

MT – There are the limits for even the miracle fabrics we love so much.

PT – Well, please find it for me anyway.  I’ve booked a meeting with Mad Dog at 6 am and I need it to give me the mobility for the martial arts moves I’ll need to make.  I could get a Black Panther suit but then there’s that whole racist thing.

MT – Oh, Bog nam pomagaj!  Okay, okay Schmoopy I will find the Deadpool suit.  But please listen to your wise men.  This idea may still have the rough edges.

PT – Don’t worry Schmoopy, I’ve got it covered.

MT – Yes but will it stay covered?  Okay, okay, I will go now and get the suit.  (exits the room).

PT – (yelling after her) And Schmoopy, can you get me a Double Reuben for lunch, thanks.

Scene 2 – White House, Oval Office, Secretary Mattis entering door with President Trump in his extremely form fitting Deadpool costume balanced in a martial arts stance.

SM – Great Detonating Balls of Trinitrotoluene!  Mr. President for mercy’s sake put on a bathrobe or something.  What if a CNN drone gets a picture of this?

PT – Relax Mad Dog.  I’ve got the whole White House on lock down.  Even that snoop Mueller couldn’t get a camera in here if he tried.  So, what do you think of my suit?

SM – No offense Mr. President, but your Deadpool suit wearing days are now officially behind you.  And if you want to know why look behind you.

PT – (looking behind himself) I guess I see your point.  But in that case, I’m going to need martial arts ninja stuff more than ever.  I called that little maniac short and he’ll do anything he can to get me for that.

SM – Then why are you meeting with him?

PT – Because I can’t back down now.  The wily oriental mind has no respect for cowards.  If I show fear he will attack relentlessly like a shark that smells blood.  He will flood our country with stunted, malnourished assassins who will surround the White house five hundred deep like some kind of zombie mob endlessly testing the perimeter fence for a weak spot just waiting for me to emerge.  Marine One will have to be equipped with belly armor to survive missile attacks and will have to have those cool buzz-saw attachments to repel the ninjas that get launched at it by their insane comrades.

SM – Oh good grief.

PT – Exactly.  The only way to prevent that scenario is to meet Kim Jong Un face-to-wily-face and stare him and his assassins down.  I need all of our top ninjas in here to train me.  Get me Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal and Jackie Chan.  On second thought forget Jackie.  It’s not a racist thing but you can never be too careful.

SM – Mr. President, I don’t think there’s time for you to become a martial arts expert.

PT – I’m a really quick learner.  You saw what I did with the tax bill.

SM – Nevertheless.

PT – Then what do we do?  You can’t let me be killed.  Pence will probably replace you with a chaplain.

SM – Mr. President, we will have a special forces team covering every contingency of this assignment.  SEAL Team 6 will be in charge of refreshments and lavatory security, Delta Force is in charge of the podium, microphones and all other electronics including your tweeting and 24th Special Tactics Squadron will provide applause and laugh track whenever you make a very funny joke.

PT –  That’s all very good but what about the Mission Impossible stuff?  Who’s gonna be suspended overhead on that cable like Tom Cruise and hover over Kim Jong Un, ready to pounce on him if he tenses his cat like body ready to leap on me across the dais.  Who will be that man?  Should we get Cruise?  Is he available?  Has he gotten too old?  Does he have a successor?  Maybe Jason Statham?

SM – Mr. President, Jason Statham is fifty years old!  (under his breath, “Oh what’s the use!”) Yes, Mr. President, Jason Statham will be suspended above Kim Jong Un’s head on a piece of steel cable but to avoid detection he will be cloaked using the stealth technology we learned from the Predator species that your friend Arnold Schwarzenegger faced back in the 1980s.

PT – Good, now you’re talking sense.  You can’t be too careful you know.  Okay, so that covers the defensive stuff but I think I should have some offensive weapons in case he gets off a zinger that makes me look bad.  How about a laser hidden in my ball point pen?  And can we put some itching powder on his podium?  That will definitely make him look bad if keeps scratching all over the place.

SM – Yes, laser pen, itching powder, check and check.  Would you like us to put some ex-lax in his breakfast snack?

PT – Please Matthis, let’s not be ridiculous.

 

Trump vs Kim Jung Un and the Bad Example

 

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 3

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 1

Beginning of story linked above

Dramatis Personae – Kasey – (KY); Stacey – (SY); Macey – (MY); TV Announcer – (TV); President Trump – (PT); Melania Trump – (MT);

Scene 1 – Living room of Kasey, Stacey and Macey, three mid-thirty something career women living the dream in a one room apartment in Manhattan and “loving every minute of it.”  Tuesday night 8pm

(Kasey, Stacey and Macey are binge watching the whole run of the series “Girls”, all three speak with about the same extremely exaggerated “valley girl” rising pitch interrogative speech pattern.)

KY – Oh, this is that great episode with Allison Williams and her butt?

SY – Oh, that is the best episode?

MY – Oh, I love this episode?  Hey, where did it go?

(point of view changes to face the tv screen and suddenly a test pattern interrupts the brilliant and tasteful representation of post millennial Sodom and Gomorrah)

TV – We interrupt this amateur proctological exam for a special message from the President of the United States.

KY – Oh, that’s so unfair?

SY – So totally unfair?

MY – This sucks?  And not in a good way?

(the image of President Trump appears on the screen in front of a huge double heart pierced through by an arrow)

PT – My fellow Americans and more specifically fertile unmarried Americans.  I come to you tonight to address a serious problem that is a threat to the future of this great nation.  Namely, that you young idiots are too stupid and selfish to figure out how to get married and have children.  If you were allowed to fail to reproduce it has the potential to cripple the future work force and devastate the society we live in.  So as much as it pains me to actually interact with you losers, I your president, will step in and save you from your own imbecility.

So tonight, I am rolling out a new program.  I am calling it Momma Melania’s Match Making Service and along with the tax and education benefits, I will sweeten the deal for the first million couples by throwing in a free obstetrics and pediatric plan along with a free box of Trump genuine imitation Cuban cigars for the doting new fathers.

(now Melania Trump walks into the center stage wearing a form fitting blue outfit adorned with red double hearts)

MT – That’s right, you women will no longer have to work at your horribly boring jobs, live in your teeny tiny apartments eating your ramen noodles and talking to your cats.  Schmoopey, I mean Mr. President Trump will find you beautiful men with strong muscular arms and big shoulders and piles of gold.  They will give you children by the sexy loving and you will raise these children and watch tv.

PT – Uhhh, sure.  And you so called men out there.  Here’s your one and only chance to escape from your parents’ basements and actually grow up.  If you follow through on this deal and not only get married but manage to somehow produce offspring, I can guarantee that we will keep you employed and help you raise a family the way your fathers did it, with a living wage job and a stay at home mom for your kids.  Now understand, nobody’s gonna be rich and nobody’s gonna marry Snow White.  But let’s face it, you’re not exactly Prince Charming.  If you were, you wouldn’t still be in the basement.  But you are a generation that got the Bush/Clinton/Bush/Obama economic/cultural shaft.  You bore the full brunt of industry off-shoring and industrial strength feminism, you poor bastards.

MT – Oh Schmoopey don’t be so mean to them, they will make very wonderful husbands for these women.  So, ladies, throw away your birth control pills and burn your power skirt and buy a cookbook and an apron.  Instead of being that sad, confused Lena Dunham you can be like me a happy, humble stay at home mom.

PT – So that’s what humble costs a month.   …….     Well, anyway you people will have to work out the details yourselves.  I’ve assembled a crack team of forensic psychiatrists to separate out any actual serial killers from the run of the mill psychopathic Americans so although we can’t guarantee Donna Reed and Jimmy Stewart at least you’ll probably survive the courtship.  But this is a limited time deal so first come first served.  Call the number on your screen and join the real world, you losers.  Trump out.

(scene shifts back to the three girls watching tv in the living room)

KY – Oh, that Trump is such a jerk?  We love Lena Dunham?

SY – Oh, he is such a sexist?  Why would we want to have children, right Macey?

(Macey is reading the number off the tv and keying it in)

MY – Uh yeah, about that, I’ve been living here for ten years and if instead of living in this rat hole with the two of you, five cats and Lena Dunham, someone says I can have my own family then even if my new husband looks like Jo-Jo the Dog Faced Boy, I’m all in.

KY – Well, you will definitely be sorry?  Won’t she Stacey?

(Stacey has begun copying the number from Macey)

SY – Well, I don’t want to get stuck with the real losers after the good slackers are all taken.  Sorry Kasey.

KY – Hey, give me that number!  I don’t even like cats.

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 2

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 1

 

Dramatis Personae – President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, 8am Wednesday

(President Trump seated behind the desk, with Vice President Pence in a chair facing him)

VPP – So let me see if I understand this Mr. President, you want me to advocate for today’s feminist, godless, sex-obsessed women to forsake their materialistic and anti-traditionalist ways and embrace modesty, chastity before marriage, motherhood and deference to their husbands.

PT – Well sure, if you say it like that it sounds like a snooze.  But if we put the Mad Men to work on this we can make it sexy as hell and they’ll be breakin’ down the doors to sign on.  Remember, young people are idiots.  Think of the incredibly stupid things they buy into.  You can convince them that a guy in a dress is a woman and that Obama is smart.  So if you give them something that actually works and just convince them that it’s edgy and original you could stampede them to the altar in a mob.

VPP – Don’t you think it’s dangerous to manipulate people about something as serious and vital as marriage?

PT – Look, we’re not trying to scam anyone, it’s your job to get the sequence and the motivation all straight.  Make sure they wake up from the millennial malaise they’ve been immersed in and commit to something that gives meaning to their muddled existences.  It’s up to me to make the sales pitch compelling and hook them.

VPP – Well I sort of see what you mean sir, but there are other considerations that could make all this moot.  For instance, nowadays it takes two incomes to survive and where does that leave our happy couple who want to raise a family?

PT – Way ahead of you.  That’s part of the bait I’m putting on the hook.  I’m going to propose that the federal government will rig the tax structure to provide married couples that want a stay at home mom to raise their kids with a matching credit to match the husband’s salary.  And this credit will continue until the kids are eighteen or even twenty-two if they take a useful college or vocational program.

VPP – But that will cost trillions!

PT – Yep.  But we’ll be couple it with the end of welfare.  No more single women raising children on welfare.  Any man who fathers a child will pay for it and unless he’s in prison he’s going to live with his family.  And with the women staying home with the kids men will be in demand again in the job market.  Salaries will rise and eventually we won’t even need to tilt the tax code very much.

VPP – You’ve thought this through I can see but I must confess I can’t imagine how you’ll make old fashioned marriage sound good to millennials.

PT – Actually, I’m gonna let Ivanka and Melania do most of the work on recruiting these young idiots.  And all you really have to do is convince the girls.  The boys will follow them like moths to a flame.  I was thinking of something along the lines of Momma Melania’s Match Making Service.

VPP – Have you spoken to the First Lady about this idea?

PT – Not yet, but how could she refuse to save her country from childless collapse.  In fact I’ll call her now.  (gets up from the desk, walks to and opens the door and starts shouting into the corridor)  Schmoopey, Schmoopey.  Schmoopeyyyyy!!!!

MT – (entering from the hallway)  Schmoopey stop shouting.  The picture of the Obama fell off the wall.

PT – I need your help.  We must save American womanhood from barren, childless loneliness.

MT – Oh no you do not.  You are staying right here.  No more Stormy the pornos for you or I will make you very, very sorry and the Secret Service will be too, too late to save some of you.

PT – No, no Schmoopey, I need you to teach the young women of America how to be good wives and mothers.

MT – Oh, this I can do Schmoopey.  I am full of the mother stuff.  I will teach them about make-up and shopping and finding a good maid.  I will need to freshen up my wardrobe to do this right.  Maybe three million dollars?

VPP – Just like Martha Washington.

To Be Continued …

 

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 3

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 1

Dramatis Personae – President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, 8am Monday

(President Trump seated behind the desk, shouting toward the open door)

PT – Mike   …   Mike   ….   MIIIIIIKE !!!!!!!!

VPP – Right here Mr. President.

PT – Pence, what the hell?  Am I in this alone?

VPP – (mumbles under his breath, “oh if only!”)  No sir, here I am front and center.

PT – Okay, whatever.  Look I need your expertise on a social policy idea I’m working on.

VPP – Certainly.  What can I do?

PT – So you’re from Idaho.

VPP – Indiana.

PT – As I said you’re from the sticks and you people follow the Bible like it was GQ.

VPP – Uh, where is this going?

PT – Well at the confirmation hearings for Brett there were some psycho chicks who were dressed up as Amish, or so I thought.  Turns out they were supposed to be characters in this mini-series called “A Handmaid’s Tale.”  So, I watched it and I gotta say I think they’ve got something there.  First off, it’s got that really cute gal from Chuck and that can’t be bad.  And they’ve got all the most annoying broads wrapped up in sacks and keeping their yaps shut.  I mean I think they’re onto something there!  Well anyway, I want to get some more information on this concept.

VPP – Mr. President, I haven’t been watching that show.

PT – I don’t mean the show.  I want to know how this works in real life.

VPP – but it isn’t real life.  It’s a work of fiction.

PT – Yes, but it’s based on your book, the Bible, right?

VPP – Mr. President, that show is a polemical work meant to slander people of Christian faith and portray us as unenlightened despotic tribalists.

PT – What are you saying, that you don’t wanna shut them up?  I mean come on!  Isn’t that what you guys are always talking about?  Don’t you wanna wear the pants in the family anymore?

VPP – Well, sure but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

PT – See, that’s your problem.  You know what you should do but you’re scared of what the broads will say.  You’ll never be boss, you’ll never be a leader if you can’t say what you mean.

VPP – Okay, so maybe you’re right about that, but you must see that the world portrayed in that show is a horribly unjust world where women are enslaved.

PT – Well as you say it’s rigged to look like that by your enemies.  But what if it’s brightened up?  You remember those old shows like “Father Knows Best” and “Leave it to Beaver.”  They kept the gals on a pretty short leash but no one was yelling Hitler at them back then.

VPP – Well that’s kind of true, but times have changed.

PT – Times may change but people don’t.  The things that made people happy back then still do.  It’s all how you sell it.

VPP – So you’re going to put on a sweater and smoke a pipe and tell America to do their homework and get to bed early?

PT – Of course not.  They know I’m not Ward Cleaver.  They think I’m Caligula.  But you actually are Ward Cleaver.  For Pete’s sake, you won’t even go in a room alone with a woman.  You’re the guy they think should be running the country.  We just have to figure out a way to defang the harpies so they don’t castrate you the first time you try to rein them in.

VPP – Well that hardly seems fair.

PT – Please, do you remember that time you tried to pass that defense of religion thing in Idaho?

VPP – Indiana!  Yes, I do. ……… You’re right.  What can we do?

PT – Relax.  By the time you’re President, you will have passed the many challenging tests in the Trump University course work on being the boss.  By the time I get through with you even Rosie O’Donnell will be afraid to mess with you.  And let me tell you that’s one tough pant-suited sumo wrestler.  But anyway, we’ve got to start putting together the plan for this Handmaid stuff.  I mean, we don’t want to do all that stuff about women not being allowed to read but we do want to start reminding them that raising kids is a hell of a lot more important and fun than being a blue-haired cat lady who crafts power point presentations that middle management sleeps through.  And that’s what I need your help with.  This is definitely one of those heartland things.  We need to find some people that still believe in this stuff and put together a marketing campaign about them to sell the rest of the country on getting back to basics.  You know, Ronny’s Morning in America thing.  We’ll use it to energize the mid-terms and get people thinking that the economic surge can be used to spark a social revival.

VPP – You know, that actually makes sense.

PT – Don’t be so shocked.  So anyway, get out that Bible and let’s see if we can flesh out this campaign.

VPP – Father forgive him he knows not what he says.

PT – Yeah, I do!

 

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 2

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man.  Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 3

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 1

Link above to first episode

 

 

Dramatis Personae: Melania Trump (MT); President Trump (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Brett Kavanaugh (BK); James “Mad Dog” Mattis (JM)

Scene 1 – White House West Wing; 8 am Monday; First Lady’s Office

(Seated across from each other at a small conference table are First Lady Melania Trump and Vice President Mike Pence)

MT – Help me President Vice Mike, you’re our only hope.

VPP – Of course First Lady, but please calm down.  It can’t be as bad as that.

MT – Oh, it is much, much, worse.  Schmoopey has grown bored with me.

VPP – Schmoopey?  Is that your dog?

MT – Schmoopey is my pet name for Donald.  You know, your boss.

VPP – Ah, yes that’s right, the name you call each other.

MT – Yes, and he hasn’t called me that in a week.  And at night he brings books to bed, books without pictures.  And he has a yellow highlighter.  And he has stopped tweeting.

VPP – Stopped tweeting?  You’re right.  This is serious.

MT – Help him Mike.  Help him to be Schmoopey again.

VPP – First Lady, you can depend on me.  The nation needs that indomitable spirit and free-tweeting, devil-may-care attitude to save us from the giant white pantsuit tyranny of Hillary Clinton.

MT – Yes Vice Mike, you are a great friend, even if you will not shut the door when we are alone.

VPP – Sorry, ah, force of habit.

Scene 2 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, same day  10 am

(President Trump at his desk, dictating a letter to his secretary, while Vice President Pence is seated in front of him.)

PT – Hold on a second Mike.  I just want to finish this thought.

(dictating) …  In conclusion, President Kim, I will agree to remove all American troops from Korea and provide the two trillion dollars in aid if you promise that afterward you will return the money and allow the return of our troops if after a year we are dissatisfied with your progress.  It will be as you called it, your version of the Amazon.com service guarantee.

Yours sincerely,

Donald J. Trump

VPP – Oh, Mr. President, we’ve got to talk.

PT – Mike, old friend, what seems to be the problem.

VPP – Mr. President, something’s wrong, you’re not yourself.

PT – Oh well, it’s that procedure I went through with Brett Kavanaugh.  When I decided to exchange temperaments with him I never realized how liberating it would be for me!  Why I feel so relaxed and sane.

VPP – But sir, the Democrats are hammering you in the press and without your patented Twitter counterattacks your message isn’t getting out and your poll numbers are sinking.

PT – Well, you know what they say, sticks and stones.  Wouldn’t it be better to win in the eyes of the best and brightest?  I mean for all we know they’re right.

VPP – But Mr. President, Mueller is sure to see this as a sign of weakness and he’ll subpoena you for sure.

PT – Well what of it.  I have nothing to hide and if I have committed any offenses shouldn’t they be exposed to the judicial light of day and adjudicated fairly and honestly?

VPP – Mueller?  Fair and honest? ………..   Hey listen, you numbskull, I didn’t sign on to be Ford to your Nixon.  We’re gonna reverse that brain drain and get you back to the evil reptilian genius that we all know and love.

PT – Well okay, but there’s no reason to shout.  Just let me get my sweater, it’s cold down in the bunker you know.

Scene 3 – Vice Presidential Residence, 3 pm same day

(Vice President Pence is sitting in the living room with Brett Kavanaugh)

VPP – Thanks for coming Justice Kavanaugh and congratulations on being confirmed to the Supreme Court.

BK – Oh, that.  Yeah, well, I changed my mind.  Being locked up with that Ginsberg mummy until she keels over doesn’t sound like a laugh riot anymore.

VPP – But what will you do?

BK – I’m considering Mixed Martial Arts.  But there’s also a combat role in Kurdistan that caught my eye so I don’t know yet.

VPP – Well, that sounds great.  But just to show there are no hard feelings the President and I want to invite you to a farewell party.  It’s at the White House tonight.

BK – Sounds like a snooze.

VPP – Well, Ronda Rousey’s gonna be there.

BK – Sold!

Scene 4 – White House Bunker, 11 pm, same day

(President Trump, Vice President Pence, three white lab-coated technicians, a platoon of marines and Defense Secretary James Mad Dog Mattis are inside the closed bunker door.  Loud techno dance music is blaring and a disco ball is spasmodically turning near the ceiling.)

VPP – Alright does everyone know their parts?

JM – It seems clear.  You answer the door and when he steps in my marines overpower him and tie him to the chair.  The technicians apply the electrodes and the transfer proceeds.

PT – But what do I do?

VPP – Oh go sit in the other chair and keep quiet.

PT – Fine, but you don’t have to be all mean about it. Geez.

VPP – Alright quiet, I see him coming in the camera.  Places!

(Pence opens the door and hands Kavanaugh a drink and ushers him in.)

VPP – Brett! Good to see you made it.

BK – Mike I can only stay a few minutes, can Ronda go for a ride in my Porsche?

VPP – Get him!

(With some difficulty, the marines overpower Kavanaugh but eventually he’s tied to the chair and outfitted with the electrodes.)

BK – Pence you rat!  I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I ever do.  I’ll shred you with my bare hands.  Your own dog won’t know you!

VPP – Hit the switch!

(The procedure ends and the two men are slumped in their chairs.)

JM – Did it work?

PT – Where am I?  Hey untie me you boobs.  I have a treaty with that little maniac Kim to renegotiate.  Two trillion dollars?  He’ll pay me two trillion dollars.

BK – Where am I, why am I dressed this way.  Oh boy, I said some things I shouldn’t have, didn’t I.

PT – Calm down Kavanaugh.  It all worked out fine.  Don’t get your judicial robe all in a knot.

VPP – Welcome back Mr. President.

PT – It’s good to be back Mike.  But, by the way, I remember everything you said.  Numbskull?  That’s gonna cost you Mike.

VPP – I meant Schmoopey?

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man.  Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 2

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 1

 

Dramatis Personae: Chuck Schumer (CS); Kamala Harris (KM); Richard Blumenthal (RB); Brett Kavanaugh (BK); Mitch McConnell (MM);

Scene 1: Capital Building, Senate Floor, Senate Confirmation Hearing for Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh

MM – I’m going to open up questions to Justice Kavanaugh from the Minority Party now.  The approved agenda lists Senator Kamala Harris as the first senator.  Please proceed Senator Harris.

KM – Good morning Justice Kavanaugh.

BK – Good morning Senator Harris.

KM – Justice Kavanaugh, I’m going to be blunt and to the point.  I think your originalist pose concerning the Constitution is a sham.  I accuse you of lying to this body and harboring feelings of racial hatred, misogyny and homophobia.  I believe you are in league with this illegitimate President and your nomination is an act of treason that should be punishable by death.  Well what do you have to say to that?

BK – Oh, did you say something?  I’m sorry I was checking the box scores from the baseball games yesterday on my phone.

KM – How dare you disregard the questions of this august body.

BK – You mean there was a question in there?  I thought you were just letting off steam.  Look, I know you’re not very bright.  I figured if I just let you blather on for a while you’d eventually wander off and have sex with some power broker or other in the area.  Is Willy Brown still alive?  Have you moved on to the other Willy yet?

KM – That’s assault, that’s assault.  Someone, arrest him.

BK – No, it’s not assault.  Trust me I’ve written the book on it.

(Kamala Harris flees the room screeching and waving her arms over her head.)

BK – Bye Kam.  Next!

MM – Justice Kavanaugh, this is highly unorthodox!

BK – Sorry Senator, I lost ten bucks on one of those ballgames and it really rankled.  I’ll try to be nicer for the next chump, I mean Senator.

MM – Senator Blumenthal has the floor.

RB – How dare you Kavanaugh!  How dare you!  Senator Harris is a rising star of the Senate and the voice of a new generation in America.  I feel like coming over there and striking you across the face.

BK – Now hold on, Blumenthal, as is my right as an American I do adhere to the second amendment and practice concealed carry and now that you’ve threatened me, if you take one step toward me I’ll be forced to put two rounds through your center of mass.  And it is a .45, so think for a second.  I mean I’d hate to do it.  You already look dead so it would sort of be like shooting a stuffed animal.  I mean, sure it’s good target practice but kind of unfair.  And for the record are you one of the undead or some kind of animatronic manikin?   You look awful.  Why don’t you follow Kamala outside I hear you’ve got cash.

(Senator Blumenthal dodders out of the chamber and collapses at the chamber doors.  An EMT team trundles him out on a gurney.)

MM – Please Justice Kavanaugh, I’ve got to work with these people!

BK – Sucks being you.  But, hey I’ll be nice if they will.  Scout’s honor.

MM – Alright Senator Schumer you’re next on the list.

CS – Ahhh, well ahhh.

BK – Hi Chuck.

CS – No further questions.  I move we take it to a vote.

MM – Sold.  Alright Justice Kavanaugh, you are excused now.  And please, could you skip the State of the Union addresses for the next couple of years?  Some of us old folks have weak hearts.

BK – Believe me Mitch.  I could use the distance too.  You really should have this place steam cleaned or something.  It’s like a biohazard around here.  Well, bye!

 

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 3

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man.  Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 1

Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Brett Kavanaugh (BK);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing; 5pm Monday; Oval Office

(President Trump seated behind his desk and Vice President Pence standing nervously in front of him)

PT – I tell you Mike, this Kavanaugh guy is a stiff.  Those democrat hyenas are howling around him just waiting for the kill.  He just sits there writing down all the gibberish they spout.  I’ve got to do something.

VPP – Mr. President, what can you possibly do?  I mean other than give him advice.  It’s not like you can go out there for him.

PT – Mike, that’s genius.  Get me the advanced weapons lab at MIT on the phone and tell that sad sack Kavanaugh to meet me in the White House basement tonight at 11 pm.  This is gonna be great.

VPP – I need a new job.

Scene 2 – White House Nuclear Survival Bunker, 11 pm that night.

(Judge Kavanaugh entering through blast door sees President Trump sitting in a chair with electrodes attached to his temples and wrists.  An empty chair is to his right and a technician is checking on the wires and reading an instrument panel.)

BK – Mr. President, you asked me to come.  But I’ve goyour blood pressure by t a very long week coming up.  Can this wait?

PT – Judge Kavanaugh, this can’t wait.  I’ve called you here to help you get through these hearings.  Brett, how would you say the hearings are going?

BK – Honestly, Mr. President, I’m extremely upset.  The senators are acting extremely unprofessionally and I might add unfairly.  I came very close today to gasping when Senator Blumenthal said you nominated me to help protect you from prosecution.

PT – Gasp?  Why didn’t you laugh in his face?

BK – That would be unseemly.  It would give them the moral high ground.

PT – Brett, look, you’re blowing it.  The sharks are circling.  They smell blood.  If you want to keep from being borked something has to be done and right away.

BK – But what?

PT – Fortunately science has found a way.  Do you remember those experiments they used to do where you could affect your blood pressure by watching a chart of it and trying to change it?  Biofeedback they called it.

BK – Sort of.  Why?

PT – Well these poindexters around us have a similar system where you can see the charts of your emotional output and mine superimposed and by watching it you can learn to copy my techniques.  By doing this you’ll master my art of zapping weasels.  It’s just that easy.

BK – It sounds insane!

PT – Please Brett, trust me.  It won’t take long and before you know it you’ll be so confident that you can even sleep late tomorrow and have these coyotes cowed by lunchtime.  You’ll probably be approved by Thursday.

BK – Well it would be a great relief to stop them from yelling at me so much.  What do I have to do?

PT – Just sit down in the other chair and let them attach the electrodes and restraints.

BK – Restraints?  Why restraints?

PT – That’s so you don’t move during the procedure.  It throws off the calibration.

BK – But why aren’t you restrained?

PT – Oh, I’ve done this so many times before I’m immune.

BK – Oh.  Okay.

(technicians apply the electrodes to Kavanaugh’s head and arms and then strap him tightly around the chest, arms and legs.)

PT – Okay, any last words?

BK – Whaaat?

PT – Just kidding.  Hit the switch!

( On the signal, sparks shoot from the electrodes and arc across the faces of the President and Judge.  Both are locked in grimaces from the current.  Several seconds later the current cuts off and the two men slump in their chairs)

To Be Continued.

 

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 2

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 4

(If you want to start from the beginning of the story see link below)

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 1

 

Dramatis Personae – President Trump (PT);  Hannibal Lecter (HL);  Dental Assistant Susan Day (SD);  James Comey (JC);

Scene 1 – White House, West Wing, Oval Office 8am Monday

(President Trump sitting behind his desk and Attorney General Lecter standing in front of him)

PT – Well, uhh, Doctor Lecter, how do you want to proceed?

HL – I plan to “interview” former Director Comey first.

PT – Do you think you can get him to open up?

HL – A prescient choice of words.  Yes.

Scene 2 – Dr. Goodman’s Dental Office – Monday 2pm

(James Comey, reclining in the dental chair, while Dental Assistant, Susan Day prepares him for his dental examination)

JC – I’m surprised Dr. Goodman wasn’t available for my appointment.

SD – He was called away unexpectedly but he phoned to say Dr. Retcel would fill in today.  The Doctor just arrived and will be with you directly.  I’ve got to go now but you’re in good hands.  (leaves the office)

(Dr. Lecter enters in surgical mask and gown)

HL – Why hello Director Comey.  I hope you are comfortable.  I’m going to start the examination now but in accordance with my painless dentistry philosophy and just to make sure you don’t experience even the least discomfort I’ll be using a local anesthetic.

JC – Oh good, what anesthetic do you use?

HL – (as he injects Comey in the neck)  Sodium pentothal.

JC – Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!  (slumps into unconsciousness)

Scene 3 – Same location 3 hours later

(Comey slowly regaining consciousness, Lecter facing him with a big smile on his face)

HL – Director Comey, how good it is to see you awake.  For a little while there it didn’t look good.

JC – What is this?  What did you do to me?

JC – Funny story, after you confessed to the Russian collusion conspiracy and explained the roles of all your co-conspirators I was feeling mischievous.  I’m a big fan of the fictional character named after me.  There’s a scene in one of the films where my namesake sets up a formal dinner and as the piece de resistance pops the top off of the FBI agent’s head and while the agent is still conversing with the other diners the fictional Lecter proceeds to serve everyone a meal from the frontal lobes of the agent’s brain.  It’s a real hoot.

JC – You monster!  You’re going to eat my brain?  No, no, no, no, please, please, please, nooooo!

HL – Oh this embarrassing, how can I say this politely, I won’t be eating your brain.  It wasn’t quite right.

JC – What do you mean?  My brain is plenty good enough.  What are you a snob?  I graduated from the College of William and Mary majoring in chemistry and religion.  I’m plenty smart.

HL – No, sure, it’s not like that, it’s just that there really wasn’t enough there for a meal and the color and texture was just a little …… shall we say special.  So, I applied some crazy glue along the rim of the skull and plopped it back on.  You’re good as new, mostly.

JC – Mostly?  Whaddya mean mostly?

HL – Well, it’s the craziest thing.  You know that super glue stuff.  It sets so damn fast.  You’ve really got to be so careful lining things up ahead of time and getting it just right.  Well anyway, somehow, I had the top backwards and when I realized it, it was already set up and so, there we are.

JC – There we are?  Where the hell are we?

HL – (holding up a hand mirror to Comey) Well look.

JC – What the (bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep) My hairline starts at my eyebrows!

HL – And the fullest bushiest hairline I’ve ever seen.  And see, your sideburns still line up perfectly.  You should be very proud.

JC – Why you crazy (bleep)’in maniac.  How can I be seen in public like this?

HL – Relax, just shave your forehead every morning and no one will be any the wiser, mostly.

JC -I’ll get you, if it’s the last thing I do, you psychopathic maniac!

HL – Temper, temper.  Now remember a few things.  I’m the Attorney General of the United States.  I am in possession of a videotaped confession of all your crimes and misdemeanors.  In addition, although your brain is sub-par, as sirloin you seem to be exquisite stock.  So why don’t we just part company for now.  We’ll be calling for you to testify before the new special counsel and it would benefit you greatly to cut a reasonably moderate deal.  Let’s say you serve twenty years, maybe fifteen with good behavior.  I’ve got to catch a plane now.  I’ll let you see yourself out.

Scene 4 – White House, West Wing, Oval Office 2 month later

(President Trump sitting behind his desk and Attorney General Lecter standing in front of him)

PT – Well congratulations, Dr. Lecter you’ve come through 100%.  We’ve cleaned out the whole Justice Department and you didn’t have to eat a single civil servant.

HL – Thanks.  But honestly after seeing the quality of meat on display I’m afraid I’ll never be able to eat human flesh again.  It was just too much of a turn off.  In fact, working for the Federal Government has been so demoralizing that I am going to request to be returned permanently to the asylum.  Now that I’ve seen the true face of evil, the banality has scared me straight.

PT – Too bad.  We’ll miss your cheerful and humorous banter.  But there is one consolation, James Comey was just committed to your old alma mater so you two will be neighbors.

HL -There goes the neighborhood.

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 3

(If you want to start from the beginning of the story see link below)

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 1

 

Dramatis Personae – President Trump (PT); Senator Mitch McConnell (MM); Senator Chuck Schumer (CS); Hannibal Lecter (HL);

Scene 1 – White House, West Wing, Oval Office 8am Monday

President Trump seated behind his desk, Mitch McConnell standing nervously in front of him.

PT – Look Mitch, I don’t know what’s the big deal about this.  I need a new Attorney General and you have the votes.  Let’s get it over with.

MM – Mr. President, that’s absurd.  You’re nominating a psychopathic murderer who’s also a cannibal for Attorney General of the United States.  How do you call that no big deal?

PT – How does that differ from Janet Reno or Eric Holder?

MM – At the very least because they weren’t cannibals!

PT – That we know of you mean.  I mean it’s very hard to prove a negative you know.

MM – Mr. President, I’m not sure the American people will stand for this.

PT – I think this is exactly what the American people have been waiting for.  Jeff Sessions was weak and ineffective.  Hannibal will get results and hack away at the dead wood.  Now go out there and make us proud of you Mitch.  Good luck.

 

Scene 2 – US Capitol Building; Senate Floor – Monday 11am

MM – The chair recognizes the senior senator from the great state of New York, Charles Schumer.

CS – Mr. Chairman, fellow senators, what the hell!  Are we seriously going to debate consenting to the Department of Justice being run by a cannibal?  What’s next?  Will we have Health and Human Services run by a witch doctor?  I mean, come on!  I will not let these proceeding continue.  I’ll have the news networks crucify you all to kingdom come.

MM – Senator Schumer, will you take a question from the nominee?

CS – Sure I could use a laugh.  What would the cannibal like to know?

HL – Hello Chuck.  It’s good to see you in such robust good health.  But you seem to have put on a few pounds.  Careful, careful.  Marbling of the sirloin, uh, I mean hardening of the arteries can be tricky.  Anyway, I would like to know if you are aware that I have been given a full pardon? Now if I don’t get the Attorney General’s position I’ll be out of work.  In that case I’m considering restarting my private practice.  I was shown a nice office, loft, kitchen arrangement in Soho.  I hear you live there and I was wondering if you might have time to inspect it with me and give your opinion of the space.  You know since we’ll be neighbors and all.

CS – Mr. Chairman on reconsideration I don’t see why we can’t have this nomination voted on this morning.  Plus, I really have to be leaving.  I’ve suddenly realized that I need to move to another neighborhood right away.  Good bye. (flies down the chamber aisle at an impressive sprint).

MM – Well if there are no further questions I think I’ll let the nominee leave to allow us to vote.  Thank you Dr. Lecter.  And I’d just like to state for the record that I’ve lost seven pounds this month and have often been described as stringy and tough.

HL – Thank you Mr. Senator.  Duly noted.

 

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 4

 

 

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 2

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 1

 

Dramatis Personae – President Trump (PT); James “Mad Dog” Mattis (JM); Hannibal Lecter (HL); Melania Trump (MT);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing – First Family living quarters – Monday 8am

MT – Schmoopey, Schmoopey!  Where are you my Schmoopey?

PT – I’m right here Schmoopey, what’s all the yelling?

MT – Oh Schmoopey, beware, beware!  Do not let Mad Dog feed you to Hudič.

PT – To who?

MT – No, not who, Hudič.  The Devil!

PT – Calm down Schmoopey, I know what I’m doing.

MT – But you don’t understand.  This devil likes to eat the flesh and you have a lot of flesh Schmoopey.

PT – Whaddya mean.  I’m in great shape.

MT – Uhhh … sure, sure.  But let’s not tempt the devil.  He might be extra hungry that day.

PT – Relax, Schmoopey, I’m completely in control of the situation.  It’s not me who should be worried.  It’s my enemies who should be staying away from the kitchen.  I’ve got to go now.  See you tonight.

MT – I will be praying to Saint Prebavne Motnje to intercede for you.  He is the patron saint of indigestion.

PT -Oh brother.

Scene 2 – The Joe Biden Asylum for the Criminally Insane in Lovecraft, Maryland – 11 am the same day

James Mattis and President Trump on one side of a bullet proof glass wall and Hannibal Lecter on the other side.

JM – Dr. Lecter, do you know why we are here.

HL – Of course gentlemen.  You want to contract my services for a clean-up operation.

JM – That’s correct.  We need someone with exceptional intuitive skills to perform a triage on the Justice Department.

HL – Secretary Mattis, President Trump, I have made it my life’s work to be able to peel back the skin, metaphorically speaking of course, and see the soul of the man.

JM – Sure, metaphorically speaking.

PT – Dr. Lecter, I need someone who can find my enemies and eliminate them, metaphorically speaking.  I need someone who can get the truth out of the FBI and get confessions from the conspirators.

HL – President Trump, there is nothing that would please me more than to get James Comey in my surgery, I mean office and help him to remember the details of his mistakes.  He’s a very big man, there’s so much there to work with.  So many options so many choices.  White, red, maybe a chianti.

PT – Now stay focused.  Everything needs to be legal and professional.  Remember we’re the good guys.

HL – Yes, of course, of course.  I was only speaking metaphorically.

JM – Of course.  Before you can take the position, we’ll need to pardon you for the indiscretions you were incarcerated for and then approved by the Senate.

HL – Yes, of course.  It’s awfully understanding of you to help me out with that.  I’ve had the devil of a time trying to convince the FBI that they had me confused with someone else.  As you know, they are very prone to error.

PT – I know exactly what you mean.  They can be extremely unfair.

HL – Yes.

JM – Dr Lecter, I think we understand each other.  Is there anything else we need to know going forward?

HL – Well, there is one more thing.  Is there any way I could get a set of those Trump steak knives?  I’ve heard good things.

PT – Uhhh ….. sure?