Trump vs Photog – Part 3 – WTF

 

Scene 1: West Wing of the White House, Monday at 7 a.m.

President Trump (PT) – Bannon. Bannon!  Where the hell are you Steve?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, please stop shouting.  You fired Steve Bannon a few weeks ago.

PT – I did?  What the hell was I drinking?

VPP – I believe you were cold sober sir.

PT – This is awful.  I’m negotiating tax and policy priorities with Cryin’ Chuck Schumer and Crypt Keeper Pelosi.  And I don’t have anyone with the cajones to warn me when I’m being played.

VPP – Well, Mr. President I’ve always tried to give you good advice on policy.

PT – Nothing personal Mike, but you’d bring a slingshot to a gunfight and I need someone who’d tell me to bring an RPG.

VPP – Well I don’t think Steve is in the mood to help right now.

PT – Then get me someone who is outside the Washington circle.  I need a man of the deplorables.

VPP – Are you looking for the lunatic fringe?

PT – No, someone without the tattoos and MRE stockpile.  Or at least with a minimum of either.

VPP – Well how about that guy with the blog.  What was it camera guy at Big Dipper something?

PT – You talking about photog at orionscoldfire.com?

VPP – Yeah, that guy.

PT – I threw him out last time.  He always ends up pissing me off.  But you know, his advice is usually pretty good.  And he was from Brooklyn in the day.  Alright get him down here.  And hurry, Schumer is trying to get me to put in transgender bathrooms in the West Wing.

 

Scene 2 :  West Wing, outside the Oval Office  Tuesday 10 a.m., photog is knocking tentatively on the door, while a marine eyes him suspiciously

PT – Come in photog, and close the door behind you.

Photog (PHT) – Good morning Mr. President.

PT – Sit down and have a pastry.  I have them flown in from an Italian Bakery in Queens.  They’re the best.

PHT – Thank you sir but I’m not hungry.

PT – Don’t be such a stiff.  You’re an Italian.  You know nothing important gets decided unless bread is broken.  Have a sfogliatella.

PHT – Sure, thanks.

PT – And have some coffee.  It’s the best in the world.  I have it cold brewed fresh every day.

PHT – Thanks I will.

PT – Alright, now that I’ve put you at ease, I need you to give me some information and maybe advice.

PHT – What do you want to know?

PT – What are the real people thinking?

PHT – Mr. President, they’re confused and worried.  They’re seeing how useless the republicans in Congress are and they don’t know if you can make them do the right thing.  Ryan and McConnell are either useless or working against you.  McCain is actively siding with the Democrats and you’re mending fences with Chuck and Nancy.  Plus the White House seems to be pushing for amnesty for illegal aliens and now you even seem to be reneging on the Paris Accord decision.  A lot of people think you’ve lost your nerve or are being blackmailed by Mueller.

PT – What about you?  Is that what you think?

PHT – I was willing to wait until you actually committed on some of these things.  But it does seem like things are getting a bit confusing.

PT – Boy, I gotta say.  You people are a bunch of rabbits.  You can’t win a negotiation if you don’t even get the other side to come to the table.  Don’t you think I know how the optics look when you’re courting the victim, I mean partner?  You’ve got to speak their language a little to loosen things up.  It’s not like I’m gonna let Cryin’ Chuck get what he wants.  I just want him to think he got the best deal he could.

PHT – Well, I sure hope you’re right. I’d hate to go into the mid-terms without the country feeling like you can get the country moving in the right direction on immigration.  After all you said there was gonna be a wall and so far there isn’t.

PT – Look I’m working all the angles and I’ll have a policy in place that will satisfy the anti-immigration agenda.  But it’s going to take time.  What I need to know is what can I do short-term to keep the natives from getting restless?

PHT – I’d say the best thing you can do is stomp on all of George Soros’s zombies.  Go after Antifa and BLM and Sanctuary Cities with everything you’ve got.  Make’em squeal and get their leaders in jail where they belong.

PT – That’s pretty strong medicine.  It’s gonna be tough to get the FBI and the DOJ to work with me on that.

PHT – Well. You asked me what would get you some street cred with your voters.  That’s what it’ll take.

PT – You know it’s funny.  You never have any good news for me.  Only lousy jobs to do.  Why is that.

PHT – Because you say you want to be the greatest president.  That means you have to save the United States from the cancer that’s been allowed to metastasize throughout the country for a century.  Chemotherapy isn’t fun and no one smiles at the doctor when he starts the infusion.

PT – Man, are you grim.  Look, thanks for the information.  But do me a favor.  Before you come back here next time, make sure you’re on your meds.  Your brand of industrial strength pessimism is too much for even my self-confidence.

PHT – Well Mr. President, you know, “a prophet is not without honor, save in his own country.”

PT – Okay, Nostradamus, you’re done.  Don’t let the Oval Office door hit you in the butt on the way out.  And don’t call us, we’ll call you, maybe.

PHT – Goodbye Mr. President.

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 6 – Finale

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 5 – Trump Martel

 

Scene 1- May 1787

Philadelphia, PA

George Trumpington (GT) – Take that, Time Hag and that and that!  I, George Trumpington will not allow you to exclude the Second Amendment from the Constitution.  I hereby transfer you to the Salem Massachusetts jurisdiction where you can be summarily burned as the witch you are.

Time Hag (TH) – But they haven’t burned witches in a hundred years.  This isn’t the dark ages.  It’s 1787.

PT – For you they’ll make an exception.  Take her away.

Scene 2 – Present day 4:30 a.m. -White House – Presidential Bedroom

President Trump (PT) – (writhing agitatedly and mumbling angrily) – Take that, Time Hag and that and that!

Melania Trump (MT) (shaking the president to wake him) – Schmoopy, wake up, wake up!  You are having the night horse!

PT – Where am I?  Where is Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson?  And Dolly Madison?  She was actually kind of hot.

MT – You were having the bad dream and you kept the yelling something about the time.

PT – Could it have been all a dream?  Did I not travel back in time to Ancient Greece and Rome and saved the world from Hillary Clinton?

MT – Schmoopy, if you say these things out loud I will have you impeached myself.

PT – But it was so real.  And I was so great.

MT – Yes, yes. Of course, you were, but there are bigger problems.  The republicans in Congress are bad men and they want to make you look bad.  They will only do nothing.

PT – Nothing new there.

MT – But the people are growing angry. Something must be done.

PT – You’re right Schmoopy.  I must end this nightmare once and for all.  Now let’s get back to sleep.  Time travelling is exhausting.

MT – Oh Heaven help us.

Scene 3

Broadcast TV – 6 p.m.

Announcer (who sounds disturbingly like Don Pardo) – We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a message from the President of the United States.

PT – Good evening my fellow Americans, sorry to disturb your reality TV binge watching but put down your bong and try to concentrate and understand.  This is kind of life and death.  The idiots in the congressional republican majority have joined the criminals in the democratic congressional minority in doing absolutely nothing to help me save this country.  And the FBI, CIA and the other bureaucrats are conspiring with the Fake News Media to stall our efforts to do the people’s work.  Therefore, I have no choice but to appoint a special counsel to investigate the malfeasance of all these groups and use the law to break this logjam of losers.  I am appointing Sheriff Joe as special counsel with authority to subpoena and request grand jury indictments for anyone who is proven to be working against the legally elected President of the United States (that’s me).  So thank you for trying to listen and understand through the haze of reefer madness you cultivate.  So go back to watching your namesakes on the Walking Dead and I’ll get back to doing something useful for you.  Trump out.

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 5 – Trump Martel

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 4 -Augustus Trumpster

 

Scene1:  10th of October 732 A.D. – Plains surrounding Tours, Gaul

 

Trump Martel (TM) – Where is my oaf?  Oaf, oaf oaf!

Jeb Buisson (JEB!) – Here O Prince!

TM – Didn’t I tell you to polish my armor?  I have a 4:30 appointment in Tours defeating Islamic extremists and I want to look my best.

JEB! – I’ve been working as fast as I can but I’m not finished yet.

TM – Oh never mind.  You’re too low energy for that.  Go and take a nap.  That way no actual fighters will end up tripping over your gutted corpse.

JEB! – Thank you sire.

TM – Alright Michel Pencius, assemble my fans, I mean my troops, over there and I’ll address them from this big rock over here.

Michel Pencius (MP) – Yes my lord Trump.

TM – Gather round men.  I have a lot to say and not much time to say it in.  In a few hours about sixty thousand Islamic extremists are gonna come pouring over those hills and unless we put a whole world of hurt on them you are all gonna be eating shish kebab from now on.  That’s right.  No more croissants, no more white sauce and definitely no more wine.  So definitely put on your big boy breeches and don’t stop until the fat lady sings.  And by the way that fat lady is Hilarius Cintoninus.  She is a hideous banshee that has lead the Arabs through the Pyrenees and promised them my head if they attacked Tours today.

Now maybe you’re thinking we can’t beat sixty thousand arabs.  Maybe you think the odds are too high.  Well just relax.  The don’t call me Trump Martel, Trump the Hammer because of anatomical reasons, although if you notice my fingers are plenty big, nothing wrong in that department, everything very, very, good and big.  They call me the hammer because I will hammer those buggers right into the ground.  After this battle, we will be the most powerful force in Europe and we will go on to lay the foundations for the Holy Roman Trumpire which my grandson Trumplemagne will build.  And when I say he will build it I’m not kidding.  It will be one big beautiful and long-lasting Trumpire.  But anyway, if you follow me into battle we will win and keep on winning.  We’ll win so much you may get tired of winning.  You may say, “Enough, it’s too much winning!”

And in conclusion, every man that follows me today will get ten royal arpents of land around Paris and a dozen sheep.  Or if you prefer there is a special package of Trump cufflinks and steak knives available at Le Macy’s down at the mall.  Follow me, men, into victory and glory.  But don’t tailgate.  I hate that.

Troops – Le Trump, Le Trump, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

TM – Yes, you love me.  Of course, you do.  How could you not?  I am the greatest Frank of all time.  Even greater than Sinatra, who was very great.

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 4 -Augustus Trumpster

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 3 – Trumpxander the Great

 

Scene 1 – 30 B.C – The Roman Forum (Tuesday)

Emperor Augustus Trumpster (EAT) – Where is Philbertus Macadamius?  Phil! Phil! Where in Hades are you?

Philbertus Macadamius (PM) – Right here Great Trumpster!  All Hail divine Trumpster.  Why, you bestride the whole world like a Colussus!

EAT – Yeah well stop looking up my toga when I do.  Remember my hands are plenty big.  Nothing to worry about there.

PM – Yes great Trumpster.  And how may I be of service?

EAT – Listen Phil, I’m about to make a big speech before the senate and I need someone that I can trust to listen to my tweet, I mean speech.

PM – I would be honored Great Trumpster.

EAT – Sure, sure but listen I’m a little sword-shy after Mike-us Pence-tony, my right hand man, ran off with that Clintonpatra skank and tried to steal the whole eastern empire from me.  That really pissed me off.  So, I have to know that what I say will go no further than this portico.  I have to know you’re loyal.

PM – Rest assured Great Trumpster, that I would never reveal your conversation or blab it to the Times New Roman, er I mean the New Roman Times.

EAT – Yeah, nothing to see here.  Oh what the hell.  If anything happens I can always feed you to the lions in the Colosseum (when someone gets around to building it that is).  Anyway what do you think of this speech?

PM – (reading the scroll) Uh let’s see.  Hmmm, zmmmm, hmmm, zmmm.  Looks good to me.  Cicero himself will rave.

EAT – Yeah except we cut off his head a few years back.

PM – Oh, that’s right.  Good times, good times.  Anyway, the speech is a peach.  Lay it on them Mighty Trumpster.

Scene 2 – Same day, Roman Senate.

EAT – Friends, Romans, Countrymen.  Lend me your ears.  No, I mean really.  I’m having all your ears cut off for those rude remarks you made about the Empress Melania.  She’s the best- looking babe this old burg has ever seen and you claim that Clintopatra is more regal?  You’re just lucky I won and she wasn’t in charge.  She’d have had you guys eunuched within the week and singing soprano in the Palatine Follies before the Ides of March.  But relax, I had her boiled in oil and rendered into so much soap that it’ll last the empire for a decade.  Unfortunately Slickus Willius escaped into the East.  But it’s probably for the better.  If that joker got talking he’d have stolen the togas right off your backs.  Him and that “that depends on what the definition of id est.”  What a crook.

So anyway, here’s the deal.  I’m going to turn this republic into an empire.  Now I know that’s bad, but you folks are already too corrupt to reform.  On the upside the Pax Romana will give you about two hundred years of relative prosperity and peace.  The downside is that by the time the Visigoths show up you’ll be a bunch of serfs too poor and dispirited to care about defending your homes.

But look at the bright side.  The bread and circuses should last right up until Alaric and the Visigoths sack this place in 410 A.D. (whenever that is).  So let’s party like it’s MCMXCIX!!!!

Senators – Toga, toga, toga.

 

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 5 – Trump Martel

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 3 – Trumpxander the Great

Trump vs The Time Hag 2 – The Funeral Oration of Trumpicles

 

Scene 1 – Overlooking the smoking ruins of Thebes, 4th Century B.C. (Wednesday)

Trumpxander the Great (TTG) – Aristotle, Ari, hey Ari!  Where the Hades are you?

Aristotle the Wise (ATW) – Right here your majesty.

TTG – Never mind that your majesty stuff.  Remember I’m the Son of Zeus-Ammon.

ATW – Yes, Your Divinity.

TTG – That’s better.  Look Ari, I’m getting ready for the spring campaign against Darius and I need to give my troops a pep talk.  What kind of speech can you lay on me that will impress these spear carriers?

ATW – Well, Your Divinity, you can use either the dialectic logic or the rhetorical logic.

TTG – I remember Vox saying I should stick with rhetoric since that’s what’s brought me to this rodeo.  What have you got on that side?

ATW – I remember Demosthenes had a nice little riff in his speech “On the Crown,” that really caught my attention.

TTG – Demosthenes?  That guy was a total snooze.  So low energy you couldn’t tell the difference between before and after I had him put to death.

ATW – Perhaps you can elaborate on what type of rhetorical effect you are interested in O Son of Zeus-Ammon.

TTG – Well I’m gonna tell my army that we’re gonna fight our way across Asia until we reach India and we’re gonna be gone for years.  I need something that will get these guys jacked.

ATW – Perhaps an appeal to their Macedonian pride.

TTG – Ah forget it, I’ll bribe ‘em.

 

Scene 2 – At the harbor of Corinth.  One month later (Thursday)

 

TTG – Macedonians, brave soldiers, my people.  I stand before you ready to lead you to the greatest victory of all time.  We have conquered Thracians and Athenians, Spartans and Thebans, Corinthians and Euboans, Mytileneans and Egyptians, Libyans and Cyreneans, Armenians and Thessalians, Lydians and Cilicians, Cretans and Lesbians, Cyprians and Lycians, Rhodians and Phoenicians and blah, blah, blah.  Oh Hades, we have basically kicked the whole world’s butt.  We’ve been winning so much that just the other day my generals said, “Son of Zeus-Ammon it’s too much winning!”  I mean it, they really said it.  And now we’ll kick the Persians butts and be done with it.

Some people will tell you (mostly the Persians) that the Persians are unbeatable, that the 10,000 Immortals are, well immortal.  I’m here to tell you that’s b.s.  Remember the Athenians beat them a hundred years ago and they’ve been low energy ever since.

And remember you have me Trumpxander the Son of Zeus-Ammon a demigod, the greatest general of all time, the greatest statesman of all time, the greatest man of all time and the founder of Trumpxandria the greatest city in the world with it’s incredible library.  This library is so great that you have to be approved by me to get a library card.  You can borrow not only scrolls but also pop-up picture scrolls.  You know the ones that kids really like.  And we have the most of any library.  Way more than Athens, way more than Pergamon and way more than Rome which isn’t even a thing yet.

And as if that isn’t enough remember that I have promised that every man that who follows me to the Indus River is going to get his own autographed Trumpxander gold-plated loin cloth complete with laundering instructions.  It’s highest quality and looks like it was a genuine Athenian gold loin cloth, almost.  Plus, if you want to I’ll allow you to settle in Persia and marry a Persian wife like my wife Melania, uh I mean Roxanne, and believe me these Persian women are smoking hot like you wouldn’t believe.  Well, all except for that hideous old fat Clintoninus that Darius found in some house of ill repute in Persepolis.  But the rest of them are fine.

And finally, any man who distinguishes himself by bravery in battle will be given 500 gold darics and will become part of the Trumpxander body guard and hang out with me the demigod and ride around in my stretch chariot.

MACEDONIAN ARMY – (chanting) Trumpxander’s great, Darius sucks, Trumpxander’s great, Darius Sucks!

TTG – You got that right.

 

Scene 3 – After the speech in Trumpxander’s tent

 

TTG – Now listen, Ptolemy, Seleucus and Antipater.  Since you’re my greatest generals, I’ll give you the straight dope because I’ll need you to swing this thing.  We’re gonna conquer the Persian Empire and spread Greek civilization and science to the four corners of the earth.  Darius has taken on an extremely old, fat and ugly concubine called Clintoninus who has bewitched him with dreams of forming a global society based on the doctrines of Sappho of Lesbos which involve women dyeing their hair blue, refusing sex with men and raising cats.  Once we kill Darius and Clintoninus I will apparently go insane, march our men to the ends of the earth and drink myself to death in Babylon.  Afterwards you three will divide my empire in three and devote your descendants to battling each other into a gradually debilitating stalemate for three hundred years while the Romans and Parthians have a chance to catch up to you.  Is that clear?

Ptolemy the Great (PTG) – But Great Trumpxander, Son of Zeus-Ammon, you cannot die.  You are a god.

TTG – Yeah, well it sucks being me.  But listen when I die you bring my body back to Alexandria, uhhhh I mean Trumpxandria, preserved in honey and put me in a crystal sarcophagus as a wonder of the world.  But whatever you do make sure my hair is carefully arranged.  It’s my best feature you know.

PTG – Yes Great Trumpxander, it will be as you command.

(All three generals) – Yes great Trumpxander, Son of Zeus-Ammon.

TTG – Alright, now get out of here and let me rest for Zeus-Ammon’s sake.  I’ve got a big day tomorrow.  I’m conquering the world.

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 4 – Augustus Trumpster

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 1 – The Origin Story

Scene 1:  Deepest sublevel of the Pentagon; 3:30 a.m.

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, thank you for keeping this a secret and I apologize for the late hour.

President Trump (PT) – Mike, what the hell is going on here?  I was in the middle of a very important tweet.  I superimposed Jim Acosta’s head on a walrus and he was looking really stupid.

VPP – Sorry Mr. President.  I’m sure that was really important but this is critical.

PT – Alright, now that I’m here, what gives?

VPP – In this top-secret military lab our top men have been perfecting a practical method for time travel.

PT – Hey that’s great Mike.  Now I can go back in time and make bets on sports games and get rich like Biff did in Back to the Future Part 2.

VPP – Actually Sir, going back in time and changing it is a very dangerous thing to do.  And it’s one of the reasons I called you here.

PT – I don’t get it.  I haven’t even done anything yet.  Why are you already giving me grief about it?

VPP – Actually it’s Hillary Clinton that’s the problem here.

PT – What does Crooked Hillary have to do with my time machine.

VPP – Your time machine?  Oh, never mind.  Let me explain.  Secretary Clinton found out about the project from Obama back when he was pillaging the United States of America.  After your election victory she has been looking for some way to thwart the election results and she selected the time machine as the last resort.  She plans to go back in time and change history in some way that will allow her to become the president.  In fact, she has already used the machine.

PT – Doesn’t this old hag ever quit?  So how do we stop her?

VPP – Mr. President, if you’ve read Heinlein’s “All You Zombies” or watched “Back to the Future” you know that tampering with the past can be catastrophic.

PT –  Yeah, yeah.  Like when Michael J. Fox starts disappearing from the polaroid photo of his family.  Which if you think about it doesn’t really make any sense.  Boy, that Spielberg really was a slacker.  So, I’m in danger of ceasing to exist.

VPP – Precisely.  We think Hillary will attempt to prevent you from being born by interfering in your parents’ lives.  In fact, we think she’s already succeeded.

PT – Well, then why am I still here?

VPP – Because this lab has an inertial time field associated with it that delays changes to the temporal fabric of the universe within a range of 5 miles and for a period of about two weeks.

PT – Good thing for me.

VPP – Ain’t it the truth.

PT – Okay, get me the DeLaurean or put me in the machine and send me back.  Will I be naked like the Terminator?

VPP – No Mr. President.

PT – Good.  Because despite his terrible work on The Apprentice, Schwarzenegger definitely looks better naked than I do at the moment.  I really have to lay off the pasta.

VPP – Mr. President we don’t have much time.  We’ve got to set up the machine and plan out the mission.  Hillary is wearing a controller that looks like a lady’s Rolex that allows her to move forward and back in time to whatever point in history she wants.  We will provide you with an equivalent controller in a men’s Rolex.

PT – I’d prefer a Trump Chronichron.  It looks like a Rolex but can be purchased at Macy’s for only $450.  It’s quite a deal.

VPP – I’m sorry Mr. President, there’s no time.

PT – That statement seems ironic under these circumstances.

VPP – I am aware.  Now in addition to allowing the wearer to time travel the watch allows us to keep track of the traveler.  For instance, we know that Hillary is currently in 5th Century B.C. Athens.  We will send you there first.  Your mission is to thwart any actions by Hillary and protect the outline of Western Civilization throughout our timeline.  Do you have any questions?

PT – Yes, can I bring guns?

VPP – No Mr. President, that would be extremely damaging to the thread of history.

PT – I figured you’d say that.  You know Mike, you really should learn how to live a little.

VPP – Sure.

PT – Alright, I’m ready.  Let her rip.

VPP – God speed Mr. President.  We’re all rooting for you.  None of us want Hillary for a boss.  She’s a lousy bitch.

Epilogue:

As you know if you’ve read “The Funeral Oration of Trumpicles” Donald was successful in defeating Hillary (or as she was called back then Clintoninus).  Stay tuned for the further adventures of Time-Traveler-Trump as he does battle in the day before yesterday to save tomorrow!

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 2 – The Funeral Oration of Trumpicles

(Hat tip to Roger Kimball for the inspiration.)

 

Note: A prequel has been written to this post.  Sorry for the complication.

General Trumpicles – (GT) – People of Athens, and remember Athens is the greatest city in the world, I speak to you today as your leader, and you love me, you really do. I stand before you today to say that Sparta is low energy and rumor of their military strength is fake news, it really is.

(loud and prolonged cheering)

Yes, yes you love me, of course you do. How could you not?  I return to you victorious after defeating the Thebans and building the long walls out to the Piraeus and getting the Spartans to pay for it.  And considering how poor and cheap the Spartans are it wasn’t easy.  Trust me!

(prolonged chanting of “Sparta Sucks, Sparta Sucks)

Yes, yes they do, they really do. And there it’s actually fashionable but let’s not get homophobic.  What I want to say is that Athens is the greatest city in the world and I’m the greatest leader in the world and you’re all so lucky to live in this Fifth Century B.C. Golden Age.  Although I really don’t know what B.C. means and fifth century from what?  But who cares?  It’s golden and that’s enough.  Next week we’ll be opening up the new Trumpicles Temple and Casino.  Some people want to call it the Parthenon.  They think that statue is Athena.  But it’s really Melania.  And Parthenon for her would be misleading.  Enough said.

I just want to say a few words about how great Athens is and why it’s great. It’s great because we make the best deals and we are smarter than the other greeks and because we don’t take crap from anyone.  Darius landed here when our fathers were poor farmers and told us to pay tribute and we told him to stick it in his ear.  And he burned down the city because it was built of wood.  And we’ve rebuilt it out of marble. And he fought us at Marathon and we kicked his ass.

(prolonged chanting of “Persia Sucks, Persia Sucks)

Yeah, they do. But be generous.  At least they’re not the Spartans.

(loud and raucous laughing)

And don’t forget that it was the Trumpicles Corporation that rebuilt Athens in marble. And it was the finest Parian marble and no expense was spared and it is the showcase of the Aegean Sea.  Now you may be asking yourself, “why does Trumpicles do all this.”?  Well, I’ll tell you.  It’s because I’m a man of the people.  I’m not like that Crooked Clintoninus.  I never make an obol on any of these deals I make for you.  It’s well documented that I’m the greatest leader that you will ever have. After me it’ll be one long slide down into Palookaville and then Alexander and the Macedonians will turn this place into a parking lot for the tourists.  But for as long as you’ve got me, the good times will roll and you won’t have to worry about anything except how to spend the drachmas.  So to sum it up, Athens is the greatest city because I’m the greatest leader, you love me and Sparta sucks.  Good night everybody.

(loud foot stomping and chanting Trumpicles, Trumpicles, Sparta Sucks, Sparta Sucks.)

Trump vs Morning Shmoe and Lycra

Morning Shmoe (MS) – Welcome back from that commercial break and it’s 13 and 1/8th minutes after the quarter hour and we’re here at the newly refurbished set of the Morning Shmoe Show.  And Lycra Spandexy and I were just saying how much better it is to be us, young and in love and not old and racist like President Trump.

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – Yes, he’s a creep with small hands and bad hair.  He’s not beautiful like me.  I am still very, very young and don’t need a facelift and would never get one and besides it’s called a dermatological procedure and everyone gets them because they’re young and not because they need them.

MS – That’s right sweety.  But this is not about us.  It’s about this very bad man.

LS – Yes, he’s a very bad man.  And there was no blood and he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

MS – Okay honey, let’s move on.  So, as you all know we’re deeply in love and being together here on the show and also constantly morning, noon and night, all day every day is great.  We never tire of each other’s company and we do everything together.  Every single blessed thing.      ….        And it’s great!   Really, really, really   …     great.

LS – Yes, and I tell Shmoe every little thing that pops into my head.  Like yesterday when the girl doing my nails told me that I had a cold sore on my lip and I said it was a white-head and she said it was herpes and I told her that my dermatologist told me that you can tell if it’s herpes because you get that tingling feeling ahead of time and then you use the Abreva and then it’s a lot less icky and nobody can notice it under the make-up on the show and I don’t have to go on assignment for a week and that’s really great and I told her that it was a white-head and I knew that because it looked like a white-head and I popped it with a pin and squeezed out the puss and then it hurt but not much and it looks like it will heal without a scab that’s noticeable so I won’t have to go on assignment for a week.  And Shmoe was so interested while he sat there listening and drinking that scotch without the water and I asked him if he wanted some water but he just kept filling up that tumbler and I said, “Boy that’s a lot of scotch and he just kept smiling and nodding his head and it was great.”

MS – Yeah that was great.  Really, really, really   …   great.

LS – But Producer Jorge says we have a caller on the line.  Hello caller, you’re on the Morning Shmoe Show.  What would you like to say?

President Trump (PT) – Hello Lycra, it’s me President Trump.  I was told by some of my friends who are forced to watch terrible shows like yours for a living about the nasty things you’ve been saying about me.  I figured I’d call up and set the record straight.

MS – Trump, you’ve got a lot of nerve calling us up and invading our safe space.  But we’re not scared of you and we won’t be intimidated by your bullying.

PT – I won’t need to bully you, I only want to ask you one question.

MS – What’s that?

PT – Did the network force you to marry her for ratings?  Because if not then I don’t get it.  I mean to have to listen to that blathering for an hour or two in the morning is doable, but all the time?  I mean come on!  Don’t you ever feel like just putting a bullet in your head to stop the incessant babble.

LS – Hah, that’s ridiculous.  Just because you are a cave-man and don’t value women for their intelligence doesn’t mean all men are that way.  Shmoe loves to hear my opinions.  Like this morning when we were in the middle of that long commute from Jersey and I started telling Shmoe about what my mother told me the other day about how when I was a little girl and my sister stole my “My Pretty Pony” doll and I told her to give it back and she said it was hers because she said I promised to give it to her if she told me what Marcy said about me to Charlene but I told her that I found out from Debby what Marcy really said and it wasn’t what she told me and my mother said that I really hurt my sister’s feelings and to this day she still wants that doll and she told my mother that my face looks too tight after that dermatological procedure that I didn’t have done and I told Mom that that was mean and I thought that my sister’s butt had gotten really fat and I wasn’t going to give up the doll.  And then I asked Shmoe wasn’t he going too fast and why was he swerving toward the guard rail and then he laughed and laughed.  And he laughed so hard that a tear was in his eye and then I told him that I was enrolling us in a couple’s yoga class and there was a jazzercise section too.

MS – I’m sorry folks but I’m out of time.    …  BANG.

PT – Thought so.

The Streets of the District (of Columbia)

(With apologies to Frank Maynard)

 

As I walked out on the streets of the District

As I walked out on the District one night,

I spied a poor halfwit, whose name was James Comey

His name was James Comey and he was a sight

 

“I see by your outfit, that you are a pundit.”

These words he did say as I slowly passed by.

“Come sit down beside me and hear my sad story,

For I’m reamed in the butt, and I feel I must cry.”

 

“‘Twas once in the Bureau I used to go dashing,

‘Twas once in the Bureau I used to go gay.

First under Dubya, and then under ‘bama,

But I messed with the Donald and now I must pay.”

 

“Oh, beat the drum slowly and play the fife lowly,

And play the dead march as you hear my sad song;

Take me to MSNBC, serve me some chai tea,

I squealed to the Senate but it all turned out wrong.”

 

“Get six special agents to pack up my office,

Six young attorneys to tap all my calls.

Put bugs in my auto and bugs in my condo.

Cause I squealed to the Senate and he’ll caught off my balls.”

 

“Then write down this story and make it real gory,

Laugh up your sleeve as you hear my sad song;

My bridges I’m burnin’ and I ain’t returnin’.

Cause if he ever finds me, he’ll cut off my balls.”

Trump vs Photog – Part 2 – OCF Goes to Washington

Trump vs Photog

Scene 1 (White House – Oval Office)

President Trump (PT) – Bannon, Bannon, where the hell are you Steve?

Steve Bannon (SB) – For pity’s sake Mr. President, I was in the bathroom.

PT – What’s the problem Steve?  Plumbing going bad?  You should be careful about that.  It could be contagious.  Don’t need that around here.

SB – No Mr. President, everything is fine.  How can I help you?

PT – That loser from the internet that was making fun of me with the schmoopy stuff.

SB – Oh, ahhhh, Photog from Orion’s Cold Fire?

PT – Yeah, that’s the loser.  Boy that’s a dumb name.  Anyway, I want him back here today.  I want to know what the internet weirdos think about me.

SB – Well sir, he is a private citizen, and you did tell him to get lost last time.

PT – Blah, blah.  He wants a story for his stupid blog.  Just send a Humvee to his house and tell him to get his butt downs here pronto.

SB – Yes Mr. President.  Can we at least send him first class?

PT – Hell no.  Put him in a fighter jet and get him here within the hour.  They have two seats right?

SB – I guess they do.  I’ll get right on it.

Scene 2 (White House West Wing, two hours later)

PT – Well Photog, what took you so long?

Photog (PH) – Good to see you too Mr. President!

PT – Yeah, yeah, I love you too.  Look I need information.  Around here everyone is either scared of me or hates my guts.  I need to know what the regular people are saying.

PH – Well the regular people think you’re the greatest troll who ever lived.  We get the biggest kick out of all the stuff you say to the press, NATO and Schumer and we loved what you did to Comey.

PT – Well what about the fact that we haven’t repealed Obamacare or built the wall or cut taxes.

PH – Well they are getting annoyed about the wall but we figured the Obamacare thing and the tax cuts would be stalled because of the losers in the House and Senate.

PT – Well the wall thing is turning out to be a bigger problem than I thought.  The Congress is full of spineless jellyfish.  But I’m glad to hear they aren’t blaming me yet for the other two things.

PH – Mr. President, jellyfish are invertebrates.  By definition they have no spine.

PT – Oh for pity’s sake.  Isn’t there anyway for you to avoid being thrown out of here?

PH – Sorry, sorry.  Anyway, if you want my advice, the thing for you to do is think of executive actions that help regular people and hurt the leftists.  Go after the sanctuary cities, Antifa and states giving benefits to illegal aliens.

PT – We are already doing that stuff but the courts have been interfering.

PH – Then bring it to the Supreme Court.

PT – That’s a tricky thing.  Kennedy is unreliable.  He may vote with the other side.  I have info that he will retire this summer so I’m holding off.

PH – Well don’t wait too long.  Americans want results.  Fire all those traitors in the FBI and NSA who keep leaking to the press.  Oh, and bail on the Paris Accord.  Climate Change is one of the biggest pain points you can hit your enemies with.  Cancelling those things takes money out of their pockets and puts it back in ours.

PT – Well I said I’d make a decision this week.

PH – Do yourself a favor make the right one.

PT – Maybe you’re right.

PH – I’m always right.  Never left.

PT – Alright, that’s enough.  Get the hell out and take Acela back home.  Riding on that piece of crap will teach you some humility.  And if you see that loser Biden there tell him I found his peep hole in the bathroom and had it spackled over, the perv.