Tamping Down the Rioting in MN?

It almost seems like the Mayor of Minneapolis and the Governor of Minnesota read my post yesterday and pulled themselves back from the precipice of being served up as some kind of mushy, bland Democrat stew meat.  Have I served the greater good by showing them their likely fate as a cannibal entre?  Not in my opinion.

Both the Governor of Minnesota and the Mayor of Minneapolis have taken steps in the last day to curtail the rioting that has erupted in the Minneapolis suburbs after the shooting death of a black man by the police.  A police chief in the city of Brooklyn Center where the shooting took place actually resisted the mob that was surrounding the police headquarters there and when scolded by a reporter for calling the riot a riot replied that he was there and that the rioters were assaulting his men with bricks and other dangerous projectiles.  And he has arrested some of the rioters.  The Governor called up the National Guard and the Mayor of Minneapolis has declared a curfew.

It appears that they intend to avoid last summer’s rolling riot environment.  It should be interesting to see what comes of it.  Will the police be allowed to do their jobs or will it completely unravel?  It’s a fair question.  Now that they’ve taken steps to control the unrest it could subside at least until the Chauvin verdict is reached.  If Chauvin is acquitted of all charges, I expect that the feds will nuke Minneapolis out of solidarity with the rioters.  But even if Chauvin is found guilty of all charges there will still be a riot unless the punishment includes him being drawn and quartered.

It’s been a little less than a year since the 2020 riots.  It may be that Antifa/BLM “leaders” will heed the begging that must be going on from Dementia Joe and his running dog lackeys.  Gee, I hope not.  I prefer my own glimpse into the apocalyptic future.  I dream of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer being added into the pot of Democrat goulash that would result from a full meltdown of the 51st State if the wrong steps are taken by the Congress during some critical period like Juneteenth or NBA Draft week.  Difficult culinary decisions will have to be made.  It’s obvious to anyone whose followed the House of Representatives that Pelosi is way too stringy to be useful in a normal meat entre.  Maybe if some kind of pulled pork recipe could be modified and lots of hot sauce is added to mask the disagreeable flavor of carrion, then possibly Pelosi meat could be added as a filler.  Schumer on the other hand is completely unusable.  The bitterness and mushy texture would render anything he was added to, inedible.  On the other hand, Romney burgers would be pretty good.  A little bland for sure but very usable.  But the stand out on the menu would be Liz Cheney rump roast.  Let’s face it, Liz would see her finest hour as barbecue for the neighbors there around the Capitol.

Update:  The police officer who fired the shot and the police chief who tried to stop the rioting last night have both resigned.  It looks like the rioting will ramp up from here on in.

This Year’s Antifa-BLM Agenda – A Modest Proposal

Last year we were privileged to witness the Antifa/BLM riots.  Every day on our screens we could watch as thugs with room temperature IQs assaulted hard working Americans then looted and burned down their businesses.  And while watching it we were instructed by the cable news networks about how lucky we were that justice was finally catching up with our racist white selves.  Good times.

Well, now that it’s warm enough to leave their parents’ basements it’s time to start the burning down the cities again.  But as an entertainment critic I must say I hope they don’t expect their audience to be satisfied with that same old riot, loot and burn schtick.  Come on! That’s so 2020.  We want more.

To get people’s attention in this post-Trump era we’re going to need our thugs to step up, lean in, throw down, whatever.  My thought is a show trial of their own.  Why not round up the Mayor and City Council of Minneapolis and the Governor of Minnesota along with some corporate executives from local companies like Target and United Health Group and try them for the crime of whiteness.  I doubt that these individuals will even try to avoid their trial.  And they will fall all over themselves to admit to their crimes.  They’ll publicly grovel and weep.  They might even soil themselves as they self-flagellate over their guilt and infamy.  If you insist, they’ll even admit they personally ran slave ships from Africa.  Sure, time machines, whatever.

And after the verdict is handed down which of course would be guilty of whiteness in the first degree then start with the beheadings.  I would begin with the Governor and the Mayor.  They’re both men so beheading them won’t garner much sympathy.  Then go for the CEOs of the corporations next and follow up with the City Council.  Now I know there’s a transgender woman on the City Council so that could be kind of ticklish, especially if she’s a person of color but really, I don’t think playing favorites is a good idea.  After all whiteness is not just a skin color thing.  It’s a state of mind and City Council is an institution that probably oppresses people in all kinds of ways so off with her head.  As far as beheading protocol, I’d go with the Al Qaeda standard.  Basically, orange jump suit, hands bound behind back and hack job with dull rusty hunting knife.  It’s a classic that just plain works for the audience.

Now after the beheadings and some end zone dancing with the severed heads I think things become a little less circumscribed.  Stodgy decorum would suggest that the bodies, including the heads, should be returned to the families for religious ceremony and burial.  Even Robespierre and his crew gave the bodies back to the families.  But I don’t know, why not have some fun?  Get a really big pot, throw the bodies into it and cook them with some vegetables.  Maybe a gumbo or something.  Since this is a BLM co-sponsored event, they could consult with Idi Amin’s living relatives and get some of his favorite cannibal recipes.  This will help make the connection to the 1619 Project.  I’m not implying that the white presenting allies from Antifa should be excluded from the feast.  Of course, the vegans might not be interested but I’m sure many others will partake to show their solidarity and also to signal their commitment to recycling.

And once this first trial/feast is completed it could be the template for a whole season of social justice feasts.  The Minnesota event could be termed a smorgasbord because of the Scandinavian heritage of the Great Lakes region.  But when the proceedings reach Boston, it could be billed as a clambake or potluck.  Just imagine all the fun that could go into the regional preparations and presentation.  Marvelous, marvelous.

So, come on street thugs put you heads together and make this leadoff year of the Biden administration something special.  Mine are only suggestions Dig deep and wow us with your ingenuity and audacity.  Your audience expects it.

Buckaroo Biden and the White Supremacist Space Pirates – Chapter 3 – Biden Family Values

This week marked the resurfacing of Buckaroo’s sidekick, “The Parmesan Kid.”  Hunter has returned to the spotlight with new tales of his incomparable lust for life.  And it’s hard to imagine that anything he could say at this point could compare with his former exploits.  A man who captures video of himself having sex with underage girls surely has already hit bottom.  But for the sake of having something new with which to sell his new book, Hunter shares the trials and tribulations of his search for remnant crumbs of crack cocaine in his carpet.  Apparently, parmesan cheese and Cheetos dust resemble crack cocaine when you’re as strung out and stupid as the son of Dementia Joe.

Now we’ve had loser relatives of the president before.  Jimmy Carter had his brother “Billie Beer” Carter who would urinate on Air Force One’s tire on the tarmac when the urge hit him.  And Chelsea Clinton was guaranteed to embarrass the country if for no other reason than her parents are Bill and Hillary.  But Hunter is in a class of his own.  Here’s a guy who impregnates a stripper, refuses to pay child support but has to relent to avoid having his financial records inspected.  He’s kicked out of the Navy because he couldn’t pass a drug test.  He works one no-show job after another because of his father’s political clout and he launders all his father’s kickbacks.  But without a doubt the absolute bottom has to be bedding his dead brother’s widow.  You have to wonder whether he thinks he’s competing with Caligula or something.

But you have to know that Hunter is just the logical conclusion when someone like Joe Biden has a family.  How else can you end up when your crooked politician of a father makes you his bagman.  What could Joe possibly say to Hunter to dissuade him from doing any fool thing?  It’s wrong?  Please!  It’s dangerous?  How could anything be dangerous when the fixers in the FBI and the CIA have got your back?  It’ll look bad?  With the News agencies and Silicon Valley at your beck and call?  Why shouldn’t he become the Charlie Sheen of Washington?

No, no, no.  Hunter is not the villain, he’s the result of someone as corrupt as Joe Biden being elevated to the highest power in the land.  In a way Hunter almost seems moderate.  As far as I know he’s never been accused of cannibalism or necrophilia.  But we’re still pretty early in his career.  I have to assume that sometime after Kamala’s third term Michelle Obama is going to need a running mate and then who knows, when Hunter is close to eighty maybe it’ll be his turn in the White House.

Of course, by then it’s hard to imagine there’ll still be much of a country left for Hunter to pillage.  But that’s where his experience picking crumbs out the carpet will really come in handy.  There should be just enough left for him to keep the orgy going right to the end.  If not, he’ll have to get the stripper’s kid up to speed on shaking down foreigners.  Maybe he can impress the Zimbabweans.

Buckaroo Biden and the White Supremacist Space Pirates – Chapter 1 – The Haunted Staircase

Buckaroo Biden and the White Supremacist Space Pirates – Chapter 2 – Hidin’ Biden Jibber Jabber

He Can’t Even Pronounce the Word Death Anymore

As I went over yesterday Buckaroo Biden is rapidly heading for the last roundup.  In this clip Biden is attempting to frighten people in states that have relaxed the mask nonsense.  He wants them to believe that doing so risks planetary human extinction.  But he fumbles over half the words and sounds like he’s drunk or an imbecile.  At one point he tries reading off the teleprompter and ends up saying this, “The failure to take this virus seriously — precisely what got us in this mess in the first place — risks more cases and more desks.”  Well I agree, I don’t want to pay for more bookcases and desks.  I think the government has enough of both but even as a fake president I think he should limit his scope to national problems and leave questions of office furniture supply chain to the professionals in the deep state.

Forget about two years, will he make it to Memorial Day?

Buckaroo Biden and the White Supremacist Space Pirates – Chapter 2 – Hidin’ Biden Jibber Jabber

Two months into the Biden puppet show, it appears that giving pre-rehearsed answers to pre-screened questions is no longer a workable option.  His handlers must be starting to look for an exit strategy from this increasingly embarrassing charade.  Now he’s openly reading from prepared crib sheets to the softball questions that have been vetted and choreographed.  And he’s even failing at that!

I know they want to keep Biden up there for two more years but, come on!  In less than six months there won’t be anything left but his teeth.  The whole thing is going to descend into a monstrous parody of a living man.  Soon they’ll need a translator that will stand on the side of the stage and interpret the grunts and grimaces that the Biden husk emits.  I’m almost hoping they’ll use some kind of CGI effect that interacts with the press corps and mostly mimics human speech.  It doesn’t have to be perfect.  The GPS for my car sounds like a valley girl while she nags me to change lanes for my turn.  Maybe Joe Biden can sound like her.  Or maybe he can look and sound like the Wizard of Oz.  You know, the fake one with the flames shooting out.

But whatever they come up with I think it’s going to be impossible to maintain the illusion that Joe Biden is the mastermind of the Deep State.  He’s always been a small time grifter riding on the coattails of bigger crooks.  Now he’s just a former character actor descending into a vegetative state while the cabal of crooks and handlers decide what latest outrage they’ll unveil to insult the general population.

The only thing I’m uncertain about is at what point do they throw in the towel and cart Joe off to the skilled nursing facility to breath out his last few days on earth in silence.

I guess I shouldn’t be in too great a hurry to welcome “President Cackles” into the spotlight.  After catching her act at one of the Democrat debates, I have made a point of avoiding all of her public speaking spectacles.  I haven’t even been tempted to listen to one of her sound bites.  Her particular brand of mental illness repels me.  But I am interested to see if she manages to get into some tussles with reporters.  Someone as think skinned and emotionally unstable as she is will find it difficult to avoid what she perceives as insults to her dignity.  In other words, at some point someone will ask a question that isn’t just slobbering praise and it will totally unhinge her.  That I might want to see.  I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a serving President of the United States cry.  That would be a sort of milestone and well worth the faint nausea that will probably accompany the sight.

So best of luck Zombie Biden.  Here’s hoping you can keep up this comedy act of yours for a while still.  I have high hopes that sometime soon you’ll blurt out something really cool.  Maybe it’ll be some narrative about the really great dessert you had at lunch or an anecdote about the clean, articulate black fellow that you beat in your race for president.  I have faith.  The big guy still has something to contribute.

Buckaroo Biden and the White Supremacist Space Pirates – Chapter 1 – The Haunted Staircase

I guess the consolation prize I get for living in a banana republic is watching “El Presidente” swagger his way around in front of the peasants.  Well, apparently el jefe hasn’t had a lot of practice swaggering lately because of the COVID lockdown.  Swaggering has turned into staggering and Dopey Joe almost did himself in on the staircase for Air Force One.   Watch this.

He fell down three times.  Of course, he didn’t roll down the entire staircase like some Inspector Clouseau or Groucho Marx routine,  but hopefully that will come later.  I’m waiting for Jen Psaki to explain to us that the cause of the stairs mishap was white supremacists.  Hopefully the FBI is on the case and will soon round up the saboteurs and wreckers who were responsible for the assassination attempt.  Obviously, the steps were booby trapped.  I expect in the future President Biden will be loaded onto Air Force One in a cargo net.  Of course, he’ll need to be bubble wrapped and packed in foam peanuts but if they only pack him up to his armpits with his arms out, he can still salute the military guards and maintain his dignity.

So, at this point we have a commander in chief who cannot remember words like Department of Defense or the names of the major cabinet secretaries.  He can’t speak coherently and now he can’t walk up a flight of stairs.  It’s kind of exciting trying to guess what will be next.  Crude jokes about various bodily functions should be avoided but honestly, I know everyone is thinking exactly that.

I guess it’s possible if they want him to be able to keep this masquerade going for more than a few months that they will restrict all his appearances to scripted speeches using a teleprompter and avoiding any direct question and answer periods.  Or they could replace Meat Biden with an Animatronic Biden.  I’m sure if Google and Elon Musk worked together, they could have Biden 2.0 ready for use within a year or so.  It might look and sound a little different from Meat Biden, a little too coherent and gaffe free but it would serve its purpose.  After all nobody really believes Dementia Joe is either the legitimate president or even a minimally competent one.  They just need him to last for a little over two years so they can bring in Kamalarris the Blubbering Hysteric to rule us by conniption.

Well, let’s at least enjoy the show for however long Joe can keep this Curley Howard routine going.  Why not?  Hopefully no one is seriously thinking that Washington is a real government anymore, right?

Day 45 of Dementia Joe’s Regime – Interdimensional Crisis Averted

 

High drama unfolded today in Washington when at around 10 am sirens sounded and helicopter gunships and tactical attack aircraft were seen circling the White House.  Thousands of troops formed a cordon around the White House.  But by noon all military activity had returned to normal.  Strange rumors circulated about the President’s whereabouts and at the afternoon press conference the President was questioned about the incident.

Upon being asked if anything unusual had occurred that morning President Biden replied, “I’m glad you asked that question Sparky, you old dog faced pony soldier, I was preparing for the national defense briefing when I found myself lost in an alternate universe.  Suddenly a door to another dimension opened up and I found my self looking out at the old swimming hole I used to share with my boyhood chums Huck Finn and Corn Pop.  Well, I got ready to go skinny dipping with them when all of a sudden, the interdimensional portal closed on me and I was trapped.  I realized at once that white supremacists had lured me in with a false image.  I struggled mightily and finally I remembered the super-secret Presidential beacon alarm.  I triggered it and I was rescued by a special forces battalion.

Because of the heroic struggle I put up against the white supremacists in hyperspace, the Nobel Foundation will be awarding me both the Peace Prize and the award for physics.  I have requested that instead of the medals being awarded to me by the King of Norway, that Greta Thunberg place the medals around my neck.  Also, I will request that she use Wella Balsam shampoo beforehand.”

After the press conference a slightly different version emerged from unnamed White House sources.

This morning at 10 am President Biden turned up missing for his national security briefing.  When the President’s Life Alert was triggered the secret service agents used the GPS device to triangulate his location.  When the President’s clothes were found on the floor in front of a dumb waiter the worst was feared.  But as best anyone can reconstruct the sequence of events, it appears that the President had wandered down an unfamiliar service corridor near the kitchen and after opening the door of the dumb waiter mistook the small metal box for an interdimensional portal that would allow him to relive his boyhood days at the swimming hole.  After removing his clothes, he wedged himself in the small space but the door closed on him sending him into a panic.  Although the lengthy captivity and cramped posture had resulted in some regrettable excretory mishaps the President was conscious and basically safe.  The female secret service agents were dismissed and Dr Jill was summoned with the object of coaxing the agitated President out of his portal and back into his underwear.  After decontamination of the dumb waiter and the President things returned to normal.

Later on, in the day when the incident was mentioned during the daily press conference Jen Psaki promised to circle back to it but assured the reporters that there was nothing funny about white supremacists marauding through interdimensional space and attempting to kidnap the President of the United States.  The FBI has promised to round up the white supremacists and bring them to justice.  Huck Finn and Corn Pop could not be reached for comment.

Guest Contributor – Jack Strawman – Old White Guy Wins Another Super Bowl

Editor’s Note: Not that the readers here need the warning and reality gets scarily close to parody, but for any folks from the Left, THIS IS SATIRE!

In an era marked by extraordinary, if not completely manufactured, racial tensions, the NFL once again finds itself in the spotlight as a 43-year-old white guy won his unprecedented seventh Super Bowl title last night.  Reaction was swift on Capitol Hill, where the yearly festival of cavorting with underage prostitutes that coincides with the Big Game was cut short so Congress could quickly form a Special Committee to investigate the issue.  House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has tapped Adam Schiff as the Committee Chairman; but while Schiff has never engaged in an actual sporting event, it is said that he used to enjoy watching pee-wee football games from the parking lot in his car.

The white guy in question, Tom Brady, was finishing his first season with his new team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  His former team of 20 years, the New England Patriots, immediately put out a press release, signed by the two egregiously wealthy old white guys who both own and run the franchise.  “We are aghast at what transpired this evening.  With each successive title Brady won here, we grew more horrified by what this meant to a country whose entire history is marred by systemic racism.  After the sixth title, we knew we could no longer retain Mr. Brady; we relinquished our rights to his services, and will be content to now take our place in the middle of the pack for the foreseeable future.”  New England is also hoping that their fan base will be content with the new Participation Trophies intended to assuage the feelings of the other 31 teams that do not win the title each year.

The NFL itself has also opened an investigation, led by their Chief Executive Panderer, Roger Goodell – another old white guy under contract for some $35 million/year.  “The NFL is simply horrified by tonight’s results.  We have done everything in our power to level the playing field; not the least of which has included overlooking every instance of domestic abuse and violent crime committed by our players.  In addition, we have mandated that each team practice solidarity kneeling throughout the season, and continue to pay for the choreography lessons required so every physically gifted black player can relentlessly showboat after basically doing what they are paid to do.”  Goodell went on to say that the NFL is now considering adopting the Golf scoring system, where the lowest score wins.

The outrage has also affected Brady’s wife, top fashion model Gisele Bündchen.  Within an hour of the game’s end, all of her contracts were canceled; the majority are being awarded to Aunt Jemimah, who has been out of work for a number of months now after her lucrative high fructose corn syrup-laden pancake syrup deal was abruptly canceled with the PepsiCo Corporation, which also sponsored yet another Luciferian Halftime Show.  PepsiCo had no comment.

Need A Laugh?

In the classic movie “The Caine Mutiny” the petty tyrant Captain Queeg assigns the deceptive title of morale officer to one of his unfortunate junior officers.  His responsibility in this position was to ruthlessly enforce the dress code down to the buttoning of shirts and the length of hair on the enlisted men.  Whereas this was a mockery of the concept of morale I believe that a morale officer is exactly what the country needs right now.  And to a large extent that is what President Trump has been attempting to do with his COVID-19 press conferences.  He’s trying to provide helpful information and an optimistic assessment of the progress we’re making in the dreary business of navigating through the pandemic swamp.  But we need more than that.  Trapped in our homes and deprived of even the opportunity to work we need some distractions.  We need some entertainment.

In a happier time, even just a short generation ago we could turn on the television and we would find on every network at least one show that was funny enough to distract us.  Back in the early 1990s you could watch Home Improvement with Tim Allen as a tv dad with his wife and three boys stumbling through the foibles of American family life with gentle humor and a very muted take on the battle of the sexes and the revolt of the young against their parents.  Later on, you could still laugh at the misanthropic but relatively harmless antics of Seinfeld and his neurotic associates.  Even during the 2000s you could see a show like King of Queens where the humor was more like a pitched battle between the husband and wife and the dysfunctionality of the older generation was on full display with Jerry Stiller’s portrayal of Arthur Spooner more resembling a mental patient than a normal adult.  But it was funny and the characters somewhat resembled real people.

That doesn’t seem to be the case anymore.  The loss of any originality on network television seems to have killed off the sitcom.  The stupidity of the writing and the restrictions on the plot dictated by political correctness have rendered these shows unwatchable.  Maybe the better writers have moved over to cable stations like HBO and Netflix but the darkness of most of what passes for comedy on cable is pretty extreme.

And that is where we are.  As a society we are surrounded by joyless dysfunctional productions that are supposed to be entertainment.  The action shows aren’t good but they’re just supposed to tell a simple story of good versus evil.  That’s easy enough to do.  Comedy is harder.  It takes intelligence and an actual sense of humor.  Those two things are mostly absent now.  But that’s what we need.  A good laugh.

Luckily, there is a lot of old comedy available.  And there is probably something there for all tastes.  Everything from the tame antics of the Marx Brothers and Abbott and Costello and the screwball comedies of the 30s and 40s, to the early modern comedy of George Carlin, Mel Brooks and Rodney Dangerfield, to the outrageous Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy, right up to the current rants of Dave Chappelle.  Of course, the definition of funny varies enormously depending on the audience.  It’s probably safe to say that generational tastes will divide the audience into several camps.  But what is undeniable is that the modern entertainment industry has destroyed comedy.

But we still need a laugh.  So, go looking for something that is funny and put it on and have a good laugh.  You need it and the rest of us do too.

What I would recommend is do a search online for what movies, tv shows and comedy recordings are considered the funniest for the time periods when your concept of comedy was formed and see if you agree with the opinion.  Look at general lists of comedies for these time periods and make a list of your own favorites.  Then rent or buy or stream a few of these comedies together in your own film festival.  Make sure you have your favorite popcorn or other snacks and enjoy.  Maybe tell a friend or two and have a virtual movie festival in separate homes.  You can make a deal to swap favorites and compare notes after the fact.

Just to show that my heart is in the right place I’ll throw a few out.  Now mind you, I’ll start off by saying my tastes are peculiar.  But there they are.  I’ll go with two W. C. Fields movies, “It’s a Gift” and “The Man on the Flying Trapeze.”  I always enjoy his henpecked husband routine and the melodramatic actress who plays his wife in both these movies is perfect.  I love telling Camera Girl that she treats me just as badly as Field’s wife in the movies.

Add in the first installment of the “Thin Man” series.  And finish off the early movies with the Marx Brother’s “A Night at the Opera.”  For the later decades we could take a couple of Bill Murray movies, say “Ghostbusters” and “Groundhog Day.”  Maybe add a Jim Carrey movie, say the “Mask.”  And finish off with a cartoon that’s mostly a comedy like “The Incredibles.”  For a classic tv series I’d go with Jackie Gleason’s, “The Honeymooners.”

If you have any picks you’d like to volunteer leave them in the comments and share the wealth.

The Absolutely Final, Last Stand of the Losers, 2020 Democratic Kamikaze Debate

Dramatis Personae: Bernie Sanders (BP); Joe Biden (JB); Elizabeth Warren (EW); Amy Klobuchar (AK); Mike Bloomberg (MB); Mystery Candidate (MC); Christiane Amanpour (CA); Rudy Giuliani (RG); Joy Reid (JR); Anderson Cooper (AC); Rachel Maddow (RM);

 

(Scene 1: Inside the media booth at the final Democratic Debate in San Francisco)

 

CA – Hello, I’m Christiane Amanpour with my interesting British accent, and we’re here at the final 2020 Democratic Presidential Debate in beautiful San Francisco, California.

RG – Beautiful?  You call trying to navigate around a sidewalk festooned with human feces and vomit beautiful?  Christiane, that’s some weird alternate reality you live in.

CA – And as you can see and hear, I’m joined by the always cantankerous, former Mayor of New York and current attorney for President Trump, Rudy Giuliani.

RG – I can live with cantankerous.

CA – And we’ll be here to see who will step up and try to knock Bernie Sanders off his trajectory of winning the Democratic Presidential Nomination.

RG – Actually I’m here for the laughs.  These losers are trying to stop the Crazy Party from nominating the King of the Lunatics.  That seems to be an impossibility.

CA – Despite Rudy’s penchant for Right Wing propaganda, it will be interesting to see if the more moderate candidates attempt to make an issue of Bernie Sanders flirtation with socialism.

RG – Flirtation?  I would say that it was consummated to use a polite word.  To continue your analogy, if this were seventy years ago, we’d be seeing a shotgun wedding between Bernie and Communism.

CA – Well, enough of this banter.  Let’s go to the debate stage.  The seven candidates are now advancing to their podiums and the moderators are seated.  We have CNN’s Anderson Cooper and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow and Joy Reid.

RG – Ah yes, the voices of reason.  Where did I put my barf bag?

 

(Scene 2: Wide shot of the moderators and candidates on the debate stage)

 

JR – I’m Joy Reid and welcome to the audience here at the Palace of Fine Arts here in vibrant San Francisco.

(A voice from the audience gives a loud bitter laugh and an epithet.  A struggle is seen in the audience and a man is tased and carried away.)

JR – Spirits are high and let’s meet our panel and the candidates.  I’m joined by my colleagues Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper who know in their hearts that that wasn’t me who allegedly said those homophobic remarks all those years ago because that is not who I am.

(Maddow and Cooper glare at her over rigid smiles.)

JR – And here are the 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidates.  In decreasing order of electoral relevance, Senator Bernie Sanders, the socialist democrat from Vermont; Mayor Mike Bloomberg of New York City; Vice President Joe Biden of Delaware; Mayor Pete Buttigieg of South Bend Indiana; Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts; Senator Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota; Billionaire Tom Steyer of San Francisco California.  Welcome all of you or Zae, Zee, Zi, Zo, Zou and sometimes Zy.

(The candidates look confused and mumble some replies.)

RM – Hey wait a minute, that’s not Tom Steyer there at the loser end of the podium.  It’s a masked intruder in an ill-fitting white pantsuit!

MC – That’s right Rachel Maddow, I am the “mystery candidate” and Tom Steyer has voluntarily surrendered his place on the stage and his billion-dollar fortune to me in my run for the presidency.

AC – But that’s nonsense.  This is the end of the campaign and there’s no way that can be justified under the rules of the debate or the DNC campaign requirements.

BP – Wanna bet Anderson?  How do you think they justified screwing me out of the nomination last time?

RM – Alright but why the mask?  You’re obviously Hillary Clinton and you’re not fooling anyone.

MC – That’s ridiculous!  Hillary Clinton is so beloved by the people that she would never disguise herself.  It would be throwing away her natural advantage.

RM – If that’s so how come you lost the last two times you ran.

MC – That’s a damn lie.  The Russians stole the election from me.  … I mean from her.

JR – Alright, whatever, we don’t have all night let’s move on and get this show on the road.

AC – The first question will be answered by all the candidates.  Why do you want to be President of the United States of America?  Senator Sanders?

BS – I wanna say that when I am President the first order of business will be to make the minimum wage $500 dollars an hour.  That way all Americans will be earning a million dollars a year.  Then I will make the tax on the million-dollar bracket 100%.  That will flood the treasury with cash and balance the budget.  I would seize all businesses and nationalize them and all profits would be divided equally by all the people.  And finally, I would declare all humans and some primates American citizens and allow them all to enjoy the fruits of this land.  To each according to his needs and from each according to his abilities.

RM – Hey that’s misogynist!  You should have said her or at least their.

BS – Yes, that’s what I should have said.  But, I am very old, you know.

MB – Hey can I say something in rebuttal?

AC – Well Mayor Bloomberg, it’s your turn to answer the question.  If you want to discuss Senator Sander’s answer feel free.

MB- Thanks.  Bernie Sanders is a dangerous lunatic.  What he just laid out was a delusional plan that would bankrupt the country and collapse the financial system of the entire planet.  I can’t actually calculate how bad it would be but I guess that tens of millions would starve in the first few months and the urban areas would devolve into cannibalism within the first year.  Shortly after that the Chinese would invade and occupy the more desirable farming and mining areas and allow the rest to revert to primitive tribalism.

BS – This bloated plutocrat is lying.  He has grown fat on the forced labor of the lumpen proletariat.

MB – Hey looks who’s talking about bloated and fat.  I keep my weight at a very optimal point and you look pretty flabby to me Mr. Millionaire Communist.

BS – Liar, I’m a Democratic Socialist!  And a millionaire isn’t a billionaire like you!

MB – Socialist, Communist.  Potato, pattata.

AC – Well Mayor Bloomberg, you’ve critiqued your opponent’s plan.  What is you reason for running?

MB – I see the most urgent threat that America is faced with is what to do about the “Big Gulp.”  Are you aware that the fifty-ounce beverage is killing more Americans each year than cancer and opioids combined?  And also, the average American butt size has increased by eleven inches over the last twenty years.  I am on a crusade to bring health and longevity to the people of this great country.  Once my War on gulps is victorious, I intend to go after the Big Mac, the Whopper and, God willing, the all you can eat Lobster Fest at Red Lobster.

AC – Well I see what you mean about butt size.  It’s a pet peeve of mine too.  Well Mr. Vice President, it’s your turn.

JB – You know when I was the right-hand man of a certain clean articulate President named Barack Obama, I suppose you remember him, he said to me, he said, “Joe, old friend, what can be done to stop the Big Gulp?”  Well I drew up a plan and pushed through the legislation in record time and that’s how we defeated the Big Gulp.

MB – That never happened.

JB – Listen you lying, dog-faced pony soldier, why don’t we have a push up contest or go out behind the barn and decide this the old-fashioned way with chains and straight razors.

AC – Please Mr. Vice President, try to stay on track.

JB – Well as I was saying, back last year when I was Vice President, I set up the program that made the minimum wage $500 an hour and that’s how we ended poverty in our lifetime.

(Stunned silence descends on the stage and crowd.)

AC – While the former Vice President is being escorted to the emergency room for treatment, can you tell us your reason for being President, Mayor Buttigieg.

PB – Thank you Anderson, we all acknowledge the terrible struggle you’ve endured at the hands of the rampant homophobia that is America’s scourge.  I too have tasted the whiplash sting of its cruelty.

AC – Ahhhh?  You do know I’m a Vanderbilt and have hundreds of millions of dollars, right?

PB – No amount of wealth can make up for the whiplash sting of cruelty.

AC – Sure, but it really helps, don’t you think?

PB – Well, maybe.  Anyway, my priority will be ensuring that every American child knows the name and correct pronunciation for the names of all the Latin American dictators, uhhh … I mean leaders in our hemisphere.

AK – Screw you, you little jerk.

AC – Please Senator Klobuchar, your turn isn’t next.

AK – He sucks!

PB – Homophobe!

AK – Ahhh, grow a pair you little weasel!

AC – Please, please!  Let’s get back to business.  Senator Warren it’s your turn.

EW – Thank you Anderson.  One of the most important parts of my candidacy is bringing a woman’s perspective to the presidency.  Women are the practical money handlers in their families.  We know how to avoid debt and live within our means.  Looking at Senator Sanders’ ridiculous proposal it doesn’t take a CPA to see that a $500 an hour minimum wage is insanity.  The fact that he doesn’t recognize its absurdity is proof of his unfitness to be President.  Applying a real-world perspective along with a woman’s social justice instincts points to a minimum wage that is absolutely no higher than $450 an hour.

MB – Is it too late for me to get a MAGA hat?

AC – Alright let’s hang in there for a few more minutes. This thing is almost over.  Senator Klobuchar have you got some brief comments you’d like to make.

AK – You betcha.  I can’t win this thing.  I’m too close to normal.  What I would like to do is throw something at that little weasel Buttigieg.  If someone will just hold him for a second, I’ll kick his skinny little butt.

AC – Security please escort Senator Klobuchar from the stage and get Mayor Pete some smelling salts.  Alright, “Mystery Candidate,” would you like a shot at the question?

MC – I’d be delighted Anderson.  For all of my life I’ve strived to educate the American people about their unworthiness and what they needed to do to atone for their sins.  And at the top of that list is making me their President.  I’ve suffered as no other woman ever has.  I’ve been ridiculed for my looks, my weight, my voice, my husband’s womanizing and for the very large number of coincidental suicides that seem to occur all around me.  I want to be President so that all this persecution will end.  I will set up a Presidential tribunal that will adjudicate all these capitol offenses fairly and once these people have been brought to justice, I intend to eliminate the 22nd amendment by executive order and give the United States the permanent and hereditary leadership it has always deserved.

AC – Okay, I think my colleagues will agree to skip their questioning so that we can escape before the voters storm this building and drag us off to Alcatraz for summary execution.  I apologize heartily to the American people and promise to find a real job where I can atone for my connection to this lunatic asylum.

(Scene 3: Inside the media booth)

RG – Well there you have it.  Christiane Amanpour has fled the building with Joe Biden in hot pursuit trying to grab her shoulders and smell her hair.  I haven’t had such a good time since the Yankees won the World Series from the Mets in 2000.  Well anyway, it doesn’t look like there’ll be much drama in November but I suppose that’s best for the country.  But I hope you’ve enjoyed the show.  Sorry it couldn’t have gone longer but these people really do need to get back to the hospital.  Good night and Keep America Great in November.