President Trump (PT): Mike, where are you? I need your help.
Mike Pence (MP): Right here, Mr. President. What can I do for you?
PT: I need to announce another appointment.
MP: Uhh, Mr. President, those are all finished.
PT: Wrong, Pence. I have selected the next PLOTUS.
MP: I’m not familiar with that acronym.
PT: Poet Laureate of the United States.
MP: Oh, Mr. President, I mean, I enjoy trolling these people almost as much as you do. But isn’t that a bridge too far? Oprah may have a stroke or something.
PT: Hey look, I need to have some fun with this job. I’m also gonna make this a twofer by appointing him to the Board of Directors of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
MP: Alright, I’ll bite. Who have you picked?
PT: A man whom I have fired. A former business associate who does not like me. I have been completely impartial. The most impartial. This appointment is strictly on the merits of his poetry. His greatness is well known. Like me he is from New York City. He hails from the famous neighborhood of Sheepshead Bay. Not far from Trump Village. A truly great building complex. And like me he has appeared on SNL. His name is Andrew Dice Clay. His poetry is probably best known for incorporating traditional English nursery rhymes. His haiku on Mother Goose is legendary.
MP: Oh good grief. This is going to cost us on the evangelical vote.
PT: Nah, we may lose some feminists, but let’s be realistic. I’m not getting them anyway. Plus can you just see the headlines on the Times, The New Yorker, The Atlantic? They’ll be marching with those stupid hats for weeks. And I’ll commission PLOTUS to write a commemoration. Possibly something to do with Nantucket. And while everyone is busy I’ll get a replacement for Kennedy onto SCOTUS.
MP: You know, this one almost makes sense. Alright count me in. But to truly do justice to this action I believe you should make the proclamation on SNL.
PT: That’s a tough one. They really hate me there. But that’s an interesting idea. I’ll think about it.
MP: You know, I didn’t even know Clay was still alive.
PT: Yeah, he’s been on a downward trend since I fired him on the Apprentice. He could probably use a full-time gig too. I think I’ll get him a spot in the Justice Department. Possibly running Title IX enforcement. That should balance out some of the social justice holdovers from Obama.
MP: Now that actually kind of is poetry. Poetic Justice, if you’ll pardon the pun.
PT: Wow, Mike. You really need to loosen up. That was a lead balloon. I tell you what. I’ll rent you a copy of Ford Fairlane and have PLOTUS give you a few lessons in funny. What do you say?
MP: Hickory dickory, dock?