Trump vs the Ozymandias Bias

Dramatis Personae:    President Trump – (PT);  Vice President Pence – (VPP)

Scene 1 – White House West Wing,  Oval Office;  8 am,  Monday Morning;

(President Trump is seated at his desk and calls out through the open door)

PT – Mike … Mike …… Mike ………….  PEEEEEEEEENCE!!!!!!

(Vice President Pence enters through the door)

VPP – Right here as always Mr. President.

PT – Mike, good work on that Senate vote thing.  You kept your cool with all those blue-haired psycho broads screaming for your blood and got the thing done.  Although I think I would have thrown a couple of zingers up to the peanut gallery that would have been better than repeating, “will the sergeant at arms please restore order to the gallery” a hundred times.

VPP – Thank you Mr. President but I must admit that all the credit must go to you for showing such firmness in the face of an almost maniacal determination against you.

PT – I have to agree with you Mike.  It is all because of me and that’s why I called you.

VPP – (mumbling under his breath) Oh, no.

PT – Mike, we can’t let this great victory go uncelebrated.  We must provide a memorial to it.

VPP – Well sir, that hardly seems …

PT – I was considering adding my face to Mount Rushmore but honestly it doesn’t seem fair to me.  I mean, come on!  Sure, Washington and Lincoln won wars but Jefferson and Roosevelt?  All they did was write stuff, well except for that canal and we did give it away so big deal!

VPP – Oh sir, this is such a bad…

PT – Mike, you’re so right.  Mount Rushmore is such a bad location for a monument.  I mean who goes to North Dakota?

VPP – South Dakota.

PT – You see?  Nobody even knows where it is.

VPP – What I meant was…

PT – Exactly.  The American people deserve better.  As a tribute to the intelligence of the American people electing me president I am signing an executive order authorizing the collection of gold for the hair on my monument.

VPP – Gold?

PT – Yes, gold for the hair will make it more visible and also act as caulking to prevent erosion of the head.

VPP – How big is this going to be?

PT – None of this is written in stone yet.

VPP – Joke?

PT – Not funny.  Anyway, the way I envision this is the top thousand feet of Pike’s Peak can be reworked so that it’s shaped like a much larger version of the Washington Monument.  And on top of that will be my head with the hair made out of 24 carat gold.  Can you just see it?

VPP – I’m imagining some kind of gargantuan pez dispenser that can be seen across all of North America.  Your hair will blind jet airline pilots for a thousand miles in all directions.

PT – Well that’s what the Tac Visor is for isn’t it?

VPP – Mr. President, have you ever heard of Ozymandias?

PT – Never was a big fan of Heavy Metal.

VPP – Ah, well.  Mr. President, even though we are all very appreciative of what you did with the Kavanaugh appointment it may still be premature for you to self-declare the need for a memorial to yourself quite so gargantuan.

PT – Why?

VPP – Well, if for no other reason, because there hasn’t been enough gold mined on the whole planet to cover a monument that big.  Especially if it has to accurately scale up your own, ahhh, generous hair style.

PT – Ah hah!  That’s where you’re wrong.  I have consulted with Elon Musk.  And in exchange for calling off the SEC from hounding him, he will locate and transport a giant gold asteroid right to Pike’s Peak to be used conveniently for my hair.  So as you can see it’s all coming together.

VPP – You’re right.  What was I thinking?  How could this not be a good idea?  Anything else sir?

PT – Well, as I said earlier, I think you did a great job on the Senate vote thing and I was wondering if you wanted your head to be put somewhere too.

VPP – No, thank you sir.  My head is going to need to be examined pretty soon and I don’t think I could bear to have it staring back at me from a mountain any time soon.  Besides, I’m starting to think my head is stuck somewhere it won’t be seen.

PT – Suit yourself.

04OCT2018 – American Greatness Post of the Day – Michael Anton’s – The Gillibrand Standard

Michael Anton (aka Publius Decius Mus) very, very rarely underwhelms.  This is no exception.  He lays out the strategy of the left and the uselessness of the NeverTrump Right.

None of the indictment is novel or complicated.  The bottom line is the Left has abandoned any recourse to objectivity, due process or even sanity.  All’s fair in love and war and everything is war for the Left.  Character assassination, perjury, intimidation, harassment of wives and children and any amount of media manipulation are not only acceptable but mandatory.  The #metoo playbook requires the accused to curl up in the fetal position and allow every kick from the sisterhood to land squarely.  And it requires every good Republican loser to join the accused on the floor for his well earned kicks.  And right on cue Flake curls up and presents his “head” for kicking.

But, surprise, surprise, neither Kavanaugh, Trump or even McConnell played dead.  They decided to fight back instead and they even won.

Anton says that the bright spot in this nightmare is that the orgy of dishonesty against one of their own (Kavanaugh is a Beltway insider) is bound to wake up many of the establishment Republicans from their stupor.  He thinks this tawdry exercise is providing an example to the spineless Republican leadership of what it’s like to stand up to a leftist lynch mob and win.  Maybe next time a psychotic leftist harpy accuses a man of some crime of passion that no one in his right mind would want to commit on her the Republicans will wise up and laugh her out of the Capitol Building.  Maybe, but I wouldn’t bet on it, the worthless worms.

The Gillibrand Standard

Trying to Write Satire in the Age of the Resistance

Any of the regular readers know that I dabble in ridiculous satire with a cartoon version of President Trump and absurd versions of all our favorite Washington villains.  Ove the last couple of years I’ve had newly elected President Trump become a werewolf and devour the State Department just to help drain the Swamp.  I’ve indulged in time travel, personality transfer technology and the President and the First Lady opening up a dating service to help Millennials avoid dying childless.  Nothing was beyond the pale.

But how can I compete with the Resistance?  A senior Senator from the great State of California introduced a woman who accused Brett Kavanaugh of complicity in multiple occurrences of gang rape at a college fraternity.  How can I compete with that?  I mean, after the first “incident” would there be a rationale for returning?  Was it just to make sure she wasn’t mistaken with respect to the nature of the proceedings?

The only way I can think of to keep up with real life is have one of the Resistance testify before the Senate to having been abducted onto a flying saucer at the hands of Space Alien Brett Kavanaugh.  That might work!  But I will have to work on the details.  Is Alien Brett a humanoid alien indistinguishable from earthlings?  Or is he one of the Star Trek, The Next Generation aliens that have some kind of wrinkles on their brow that saves enormous amounts of money on expensive latex costumes?  Or is he a really disgusting worm or squid or something and only looks human when he wants to like from Men in Black?  These are tough questions to decide on.  I guess from the point of view of the Resistance, there is no more horrible monster than a normal white man so if he’s that kind of alien it would sure make the conviction easy.  If he’s got the brow wrinkles he still looks mostly like a white man but it might earn him enough diversity points to confuse the shrieking harpies.  And if he’s a squid then the tree huggers will probably declare him an endangered species and declare him king of the world.  Decisions, decisions.

Well, anyway, you see my predicament.  Life has completely swamped out parody and satire.  There are literally no limits to the tactics these people will stoop to.  They will destroy anyone and everyone who stands in the way of their agenda.  I’ve maintained that the Alt-Right, Dissident Right or whatever else people call it is wrong to think that we can’t get back to normal.  They claim that the country is broken and all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men are out of luck.  I’ve somewhat waveringly hoped that the Trumpocalypse will right the ship and we can cobble together a new coalition of the less crazy that can eliminate the toxic excesses of Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society and try to rebuild on the ruins of the old society that really was great.  But it gets harder and harder to believe that the idiots on the establishment right are capable of withstanding the beating they will take if they try to resist the Resistance.  I mean it was sort of entertaining to hear Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell make noises like un-neutered men.  It was novel and it made me feel almost sympathetic for their plight.  Almost.  But they’re gonna have to do a whole lot better than that if they want to win.  Meanwhile let me get that copy of Galaxy Quest off the shelf.  I’m going with squid.

I Can Never Be A Supreme Court Justice

The recent allegations against Supreme Court nominee Kavanaugh has forced me to accept a very bitter pill.  I could never withstand the vetting process to be a Supreme Court Justice.  Now you might retort, “But photog,you don’t want to be a Supreme Court Justice and  you’re not a judge, in fact you’re not a lawyer, and to be brutally honest, you’re a completely unqualified vindictive jerk.”  So who asked you to be brutally honest?  But anyway let’s suppose for the sake of argument that President Trump selected me for this great honor.  It would be only a matter of time before Camera Girl would be harassed by Mueller until she finally flipped and accused me of some kind of sexual mopery-dopery.  After reading the description of what Kavanaugh’s harpy is accusing him of I realized that what I was up to at that age was ten times worse.  Now granted, at the time I somehow brainwashed Camera Girl into thinking that she was complicit in this patriarchal mating ritual but without a doubt I would be flung into the outer darkness with much wailing and gnashing of teeth if those records were uncovered.  But in my defense it was the 1970s and Animal House had recently come out and we were both seventeen and you know what I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Seriously, reading what was alleged to have gone on sounds like every make out party that ever happened since Adam first played doctor with Eve.  I’m assuming if this gal ever managed to get married she was blind-sided on her wedding night to discover that her new husband was expecting her to engage in sex with him.  She probably called 911 and demanded a SWAT team to extract her from the bridal suite.  I guess from now on every time the Democrats want to up-end a Republican Supreme Court nominee they will find some strident feminist shrew that went to school with the nominee and she will channel her inner victim and morph some attempt at a clumsy pass into an encounter with Jack the Ripper.

It should be interesting to see if the republicans have the smarts to move through this quickly and get the vote in during the time table that they’ve laid out.  What should be interesting is if some facts emerge to make it clear that the accuser is a partisan hack that was selected because of her willingness to fabricate a story that will be extremely hard to prove or disprove and thereby raise doubts in the minds of spineless Republican Senators.

So anyway I’m late for an appointment with a defense attorney who will help me trick Camera Girl into signing a pre-emptive waiver against any claims of sexual skullduggery from the beginning of time all the way up to the Final Trump.  We’re going to try and convince her that she’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes and her signature will release all twenty five million dollars of prize money.  Wish me luck, oh my brothers.

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man.  Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 3

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 1

Link above to first episode

 

 

Dramatis Personae: Melania Trump (MT); President Trump (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Brett Kavanaugh (BK); James “Mad Dog” Mattis (JM)

Scene 1 – White House West Wing; 8 am Monday; First Lady’s Office

(Seated across from each other at a small conference table are First Lady Melania Trump and Vice President Mike Pence)

MT – Help me President Vice Mike, you’re our only hope.

VPP – Of course First Lady, but please calm down.  It can’t be as bad as that.

MT – Oh, it is much, much, worse.  Schmoopey has grown bored with me.

VPP – Schmoopey?  Is that your dog?

MT – Schmoopey is my pet name for Donald.  You know, your boss.

VPP – Ah, yes that’s right, the name you call each other.

MT – Yes, and he hasn’t called me that in a week.  And at night he brings books to bed, books without pictures.  And he has a yellow highlighter.  And he has stopped tweeting.

VPP – Stopped tweeting?  You’re right.  This is serious.

MT – Help him Mike.  Help him to be Schmoopey again.

VPP – First Lady, you can depend on me.  The nation needs that indomitable spirit and free-tweeting, devil-may-care attitude to save us from the giant white pantsuit tyranny of Hillary Clinton.

MT – Yes Vice Mike, you are a great friend, even if you will not shut the door when we are alone.

VPP – Sorry, ah, force of habit.

Scene 2 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, same day  10 am

(President Trump at his desk, dictating a letter to his secretary, while Vice President Pence is seated in front of him.)

PT – Hold on a second Mike.  I just want to finish this thought.

(dictating) …  In conclusion, President Kim, I will agree to remove all American troops from Korea and provide the two trillion dollars in aid if you promise that afterward you will return the money and allow the return of our troops if after a year we are dissatisfied with your progress.  It will be as you called it, your version of the Amazon.com service guarantee.

Yours sincerely,

Donald J. Trump

VPP – Oh, Mr. President, we’ve got to talk.

PT – Mike, old friend, what seems to be the problem.

VPP – Mr. President, something’s wrong, you’re not yourself.

PT – Oh well, it’s that procedure I went through with Brett Kavanaugh.  When I decided to exchange temperaments with him I never realized how liberating it would be for me!  Why I feel so relaxed and sane.

VPP – But sir, the Democrats are hammering you in the press and without your patented Twitter counterattacks your message isn’t getting out and your poll numbers are sinking.

PT – Well, you know what they say, sticks and stones.  Wouldn’t it be better to win in the eyes of the best and brightest?  I mean for all we know they’re right.

VPP – But Mr. President, Mueller is sure to see this as a sign of weakness and he’ll subpoena you for sure.

PT – Well what of it.  I have nothing to hide and if I have committed any offenses shouldn’t they be exposed to the judicial light of day and adjudicated fairly and honestly?

VPP – Mueller?  Fair and honest? ………..   Hey listen, you numbskull, I didn’t sign on to be Ford to your Nixon.  We’re gonna reverse that brain drain and get you back to the evil reptilian genius that we all know and love.

PT – Well okay, but there’s no reason to shout.  Just let me get my sweater, it’s cold down in the bunker you know.

Scene 3 – Vice Presidential Residence, 3 pm same day

(Vice President Pence is sitting in the living room with Brett Kavanaugh)

VPP – Thanks for coming Justice Kavanaugh and congratulations on being confirmed to the Supreme Court.

BK – Oh, that.  Yeah, well, I changed my mind.  Being locked up with that Ginsberg mummy until she keels over doesn’t sound like a laugh riot anymore.

VPP – But what will you do?

BK – I’m considering Mixed Martial Arts.  But there’s also a combat role in Kurdistan that caught my eye so I don’t know yet.

VPP – Well, that sounds great.  But just to show there are no hard feelings the President and I want to invite you to a farewell party.  It’s at the White House tonight.

BK – Sounds like a snooze.

VPP – Well, Ronda Rousey’s gonna be there.

BK – Sold!

Scene 4 – White House Bunker, 11 pm, same day

(President Trump, Vice President Pence, three white lab-coated technicians, a platoon of marines and Defense Secretary James Mad Dog Mattis are inside the closed bunker door.  Loud techno dance music is blaring and a disco ball is spasmodically turning near the ceiling.)

VPP – Alright does everyone know their parts?

JM – It seems clear.  You answer the door and when he steps in my marines overpower him and tie him to the chair.  The technicians apply the electrodes and the transfer proceeds.

PT – But what do I do?

VPP – Oh go sit in the other chair and keep quiet.

PT – Fine, but you don’t have to be all mean about it. Geez.

VPP – Alright quiet, I see him coming in the camera.  Places!

(Pence opens the door and hands Kavanaugh a drink and ushers him in.)

VPP – Brett! Good to see you made it.

BK – Mike I can only stay a few minutes, can Ronda go for a ride in my Porsche?

VPP – Get him!

(With some difficulty, the marines overpower Kavanaugh but eventually he’s tied to the chair and outfitted with the electrodes.)

BK – Pence you rat!  I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I ever do.  I’ll shred you with my bare hands.  Your own dog won’t know you!

VPP – Hit the switch!

(The procedure ends and the two men are slumped in their chairs.)

JM – Did it work?

PT – Where am I?  Hey untie me you boobs.  I have a treaty with that little maniac Kim to renegotiate.  Two trillion dollars?  He’ll pay me two trillion dollars.

BK – Where am I, why am I dressed this way.  Oh boy, I said some things I shouldn’t have, didn’t I.

PT – Calm down Kavanaugh.  It all worked out fine.  Don’t get your judicial robe all in a knot.

VPP – Welcome back Mr. President.

PT – It’s good to be back Mike.  But, by the way, I remember everything you said.  Numbskull?  That’s gonna cost you Mike.

VPP – I meant Schmoopey?

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man.  Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 2

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 1

 

Dramatis Personae: Chuck Schumer (CS); Kamala Harris (KM); Richard Blumenthal (RB); Brett Kavanaugh (BK); Mitch McConnell (MM);

Scene 1: Capital Building, Senate Floor, Senate Confirmation Hearing for Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh

MM – I’m going to open up questions to Justice Kavanaugh from the Minority Party now.  The approved agenda lists Senator Kamala Harris as the first senator.  Please proceed Senator Harris.

KM – Good morning Justice Kavanaugh.

BK – Good morning Senator Harris.

KM – Justice Kavanaugh, I’m going to be blunt and to the point.  I think your originalist pose concerning the Constitution is a sham.  I accuse you of lying to this body and harboring feelings of racial hatred, misogyny and homophobia.  I believe you are in league with this illegitimate President and your nomination is an act of treason that should be punishable by death.  Well what do you have to say to that?

BK – Oh, did you say something?  I’m sorry I was checking the box scores from the baseball games yesterday on my phone.

KM – How dare you disregard the questions of this august body.

BK – You mean there was a question in there?  I thought you were just letting off steam.  Look, I know you’re not very bright.  I figured if I just let you blather on for a while you’d eventually wander off and have sex with some power broker or other in the area.  Is Willy Brown still alive?  Have you moved on to the other Willy yet?

KM – That’s assault, that’s assault.  Someone, arrest him.

BK – No, it’s not assault.  Trust me I’ve written the book on it.

(Kamala Harris flees the room screeching and waving her arms over her head.)

BK – Bye Kam.  Next!

MM – Justice Kavanaugh, this is highly unorthodox!

BK – Sorry Senator, I lost ten bucks on one of those ballgames and it really rankled.  I’ll try to be nicer for the next chump, I mean Senator.

MM – Senator Blumenthal has the floor.

RB – How dare you Kavanaugh!  How dare you!  Senator Harris is a rising star of the Senate and the voice of a new generation in America.  I feel like coming over there and striking you across the face.

BK – Now hold on, Blumenthal, as is my right as an American I do adhere to the second amendment and practice concealed carry and now that you’ve threatened me, if you take one step toward me I’ll be forced to put two rounds through your center of mass.  And it is a .45, so think for a second.  I mean I’d hate to do it.  You already look dead so it would sort of be like shooting a stuffed animal.  I mean, sure it’s good target practice but kind of unfair.  And for the record are you one of the undead or some kind of animatronic manikin?   You look awful.  Why don’t you follow Kamala outside I hear you’ve got cash.

(Senator Blumenthal dodders out of the chamber and collapses at the chamber doors.  An EMT team trundles him out on a gurney.)

MM – Please Justice Kavanaugh, I’ve got to work with these people!

BK – Sucks being you.  But, hey I’ll be nice if they will.  Scout’s honor.

MM – Alright Senator Schumer you’re next on the list.

CS – Ahhh, well ahhh.

BK – Hi Chuck.

CS – No further questions.  I move we take it to a vote.

MM – Sold.  Alright Justice Kavanaugh, you are excused now.  And please, could you skip the State of the Union addresses for the next couple of years?  Some of us old folks have weak hearts.

BK – Believe me Mitch.  I could use the distance too.  You really should have this place steam cleaned or something.  It’s like a biohazard around here.  Well, bye!

 

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 3

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man.  Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 1

Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Brett Kavanaugh (BK);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing; 5pm Monday; Oval Office

(President Trump seated behind his desk and Vice President Pence standing nervously in front of him)

PT – I tell you Mike, this Kavanaugh guy is a stiff.  Those democrat hyenas are howling around him just waiting for the kill.  He just sits there writing down all the gibberish they spout.  I’ve got to do something.

VPP – Mr. President, what can you possibly do?  I mean other than give him advice.  It’s not like you can go out there for him.

PT – Mike, that’s genius.  Get me the advanced weapons lab at MIT on the phone and tell that sad sack Kavanaugh to meet me in the White House basement tonight at 11 pm.  This is gonna be great.

VPP – I need a new job.

Scene 2 – White House Nuclear Survival Bunker, 11 pm that night.

(Judge Kavanaugh entering through blast door sees President Trump sitting in a chair with electrodes attached to his temples and wrists.  An empty chair is to his right and a technician is checking on the wires and reading an instrument panel.)

BK – Mr. President, you asked me to come.  But I’ve goyour blood pressure by t a very long week coming up.  Can this wait?

PT – Judge Kavanaugh, this can’t wait.  I’ve called you here to help you get through these hearings.  Brett, how would you say the hearings are going?

BK – Honestly, Mr. President, I’m extremely upset.  The senators are acting extremely unprofessionally and I might add unfairly.  I came very close today to gasping when Senator Blumenthal said you nominated me to help protect you from prosecution.

PT – Gasp?  Why didn’t you laugh in his face?

BK – That would be unseemly.  It would give them the moral high ground.

PT – Brett, look, you’re blowing it.  The sharks are circling.  They smell blood.  If you want to keep from being borked something has to be done and right away.

BK – But what?

PT – Fortunately science has found a way.  Do you remember those experiments they used to do where you could affect your blood pressure by watching a chart of it and trying to change it?  Biofeedback they called it.

BK – Sort of.  Why?

PT – Well these poindexters around us have a similar system where you can see the charts of your emotional output and mine superimposed and by watching it you can learn to copy my techniques.  By doing this you’ll master my art of zapping weasels.  It’s just that easy.

BK – It sounds insane!

PT – Please Brett, trust me.  It won’t take long and before you know it you’ll be so confident that you can even sleep late tomorrow and have these coyotes cowed by lunchtime.  You’ll probably be approved by Thursday.

BK – Well it would be a great relief to stop them from yelling at me so much.  What do I have to do?

PT – Just sit down in the other chair and let them attach the electrodes and restraints.

BK – Restraints?  Why restraints?

PT – That’s so you don’t move during the procedure.  It throws off the calibration.

BK – But why aren’t you restrained?

PT – Oh, I’ve done this so many times before I’m immune.

BK – Oh.  Okay.

(technicians apply the electrodes to Kavanaugh’s head and arms and then strap him tightly around the chest, arms and legs.)

PT – Okay, any last words?

BK – Whaaat?

PT – Just kidding.  Hit the switch!

( On the signal, sparks shoot from the electrodes and arc across the faces of the President and Judge.  Both are locked in grimaces from the current.  Several seconds later the current cuts off and the two men slump in their chairs)

To Be Continued.

 

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 2