Trump vs the Bad Boy Image

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Robert Mueller – (RM); Chuck Schumer – (CS), Melania Trump – (MT)

Scene 1 – White House Oval Office 8am Monday, President Trump is standing at the doorway shouting in his typical way.

 

PT – Mike. Mike, Mike!  Pence, where the hell are you?

VPP – Right here Mr. President! Now, how can I be of assistance?

PT – Mike, have you seen my popularity numbers? They’re through the roof.

VPP – Well, Rasmussen says you are up 5 points to 50%.

PT – Exactly. Don’t you see what this means?  They loved the porn star thing.  I’ve got to do something to capitalize on this.

VPP – Sir, didn’t that working over the First Lady gave your face and other areas suffice to deter you from any further extra-marital activities?

PT – Relax, Holy Roller, I’m not talking about the skirts. I mean real fun.  Don’t you see?  This 5% must be men all over America who never have a bit of fun.  They’re living vicariously through me.  Whenever I do something that they wish they could do but can’t, they get a kick out of it and like me even better.  So all I have to do is have a little fun and my poll numbers will be stratospheric.

VPP – And you don’t see how this can go wrong?

PT – Exactly.

VPP – Very well, I’ll call the legal team in today and have them start working up the cover stories.

PT – That’s the spirit little guy. Well, I’m off to give Chuck Schumer a hot foot.

VPP – God speed Mr. President, God speed.

 

Scene 2 – Same week; Up flash a series of whirling headlines on fake newspaper front pages; “Trump puts whoopee cushion under Pope,” “Trump teepees Jerry Brown’s Earth Day Observance,” Trump gives Shia LeBeof an atomic wedgey,” “Trump suspected of giving Robert DeNiro double noogies and a severe Indian Burn.”

 

Scene 3 – Inside Chuck Schumer’s Senate Minority Leader’s Office – Schumer behind his desk and Robert Mueller standing above him looking tall, grave and thin.

 

CS – I tell you Mueller you’ve got to put a stop to this reign of terror that Trump is inflicting on us. Nancy Pelosi would be inconsolable if she weren’t already completely incoherent.

RM – Mr. Senate Minority Leader Schumer, what can I do? None of these offenses in and of itself rises to the level of treason.   Only the House can bring impeachment charges up and the republicans, as gutless as they are, won’t do it because they’re more afraid of getting a swirlee from Trump than even of getting voted out.

CS – Well, I simply can’t take this anymore (beginning to tear up and sniffle), it’s too much.

RM – Please Mr. Senate Minority Leader Schumer, pull yourself together. I’ll do what I can.

CS – (sniff, sniff) Thanks Bob.

 

Scene 4 – White House Oval Office 8am Thursday, President Trump is leaning on his desk smiling and talking to the Vice President.

 

PT – Yeah Mike, my poll numbers are hovering in the low nineties. Even the Democrats are loving this stuff.  Look  (holding up some underwear) Maureen Dowd even sent me her laudary.

VPP – Oh, Mr. President, now really!

PT – Relax, Aunt Amelia, I had them steam cleaned and checked for polonium.

VPP – But where will this all end, sir?

PT – Who cares? I’m thinking of having the CIA kidnap Kim Jong-un, shave his head and paint it blue and tie him up naked inside the girl’s locker room.  And next week me and Putin are gonna steal Trudeau’s lunch money and tell him to stop hitting himself.

(just then the phone rings, President Trump puts it on speaker)

PT – Trump here, go!

MT – (her voice coming over the speaker) Schmoopey, what have you been up to this week?

PT – Nothing Schmoopey, I swear! That Dowd skank sent that laundry over to set me up, I swear!

MT – No Schmoopey, I don’t mean the Dowd panties. Those are not your fault.  I mean why have you been mean to the other children?  Crying Chuck’s Mom was over and she was very sad.  She said you were mean to her little boy and she wants you to stop.  And all the other moms called up and said the same thing.

PT – Schmoopey, you don’t understand. The world is a vicious horrible place where only the strong survive.  It’s kill or be killed.

MT – Well if you’re not going to play nice with the other kids then you’re not getting a story tonight.

PT – Oh, sure they tell on me and I get in trouble. You don’t think Cryin’ Chuck does bad stuff?  And what about Crooked Hillary and Dirty Bill?  Why don’t they get in trouble?

MT – Because they’re not my Schmoopey and they don’t get the best stories in the world.

PT – Fine I’ll stop. But ya know, now I probably will fall into the fifties in the polls again.  And the democrats will win the mid-terms.

MT – No they won’t. You are the best President Schmoopey.  You know you will win anyway.  Just play nice.

PT – Okay fine. Now that you’ve embarrassed me in front of Mike can I go?

MT – Oh, hi Michael Pence I did not know that you were there.

VPP – That’s okay Mrs. Trump, always a pleasure.

MT – Goodbye Mike, goodbye Schmoopey. (hangs up).

PT – Alright Mike. I guess back to the drawing board.  How about we just abolish the IRS?

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 2

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 1  Note: this is a link to the first installment of this story.

 

Dramatis Personae:

President Trump (PT)

Sargeant at Arms (SAA)

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (PR)

Toffee Bredwell – An upper class British journalist from the BBC (TB)

Newt Gingrich (NG)

Melania Trump (MT)

 

Scene 1: US Capitol Building, 8:45 pm, directly before the State of the Union Address

 

TB – Good evening everyone and welcome to the BBC coverage of the American Presidential State of the Union Address.  I’m your reporter Toffee Bredwell and with me here is former Speaker of the American House of Representatives, the Honorable Newton Gingrich.  Welcome Mr. Speaker or may I call you Newt?

NG – Certainly Toffee, all my friends call me Newt.

TB – Thanks.  Now as a former Speaker of the House you are intimately familiar with the protocol, let’s call it the nuts and bolts of this event.  Can you share a little insight with our listeners about how this evening will progress?

NG – Well, normally the members of the administration and the Supreme Court will be announced by the Deputy Sergeant at Arms and when The President arrives at the Chamber door the Sergeant at Arms announces him to the Speaker.  This is followed by a long walk filled with cheers and handshaking and embraces and when the President reaches the Rostrum the Speaker announces him to the Congress and after another lengthy round of applause the President begins his address.  And during the address depending on the particular subject and the party of each of the attendees there could be applause, stony silence or recently even some booing.  In fact, during one of then President Obama’s addresses, a Congressman shouted out “You lie!”

TB – Oh dear, how embarrassing.  Do you expect we’ll experience any such breaches of civility tonight?

NG – Well Toffee, unless I miss my guess, I think we might see something a little more exciting tonight.  Let’s just hope there won’t be any fisticuffs.

TB – Quite.  So, I can see that the Sergeant at Arms is positioning himself so let’s shift over to the floor microphone.

SAA – Mister Speaker, the President of the United States!

TB – Well Mr. Speaker, you weren’t exaggerating.  What a terrific up swelling of applause and ovation for this President.  These congresspersons certainly love this President.

NG – Oh, far from it, Toffee.  Most of these people despise Donald Trump but he’s just initiated a gigantic uptick in economic growth.  Something that hasn’t been seen since Ronald Reagan.  As long as he’s the stronger horse they’ll applaud.  If things turn sour the knives will quickly come out.

TB – Ah, it’s good to see politics are the same everywhere.  Well, it looks like Speaker Ryan is about to introduce the President to Congress.  Let’s go to the Rostrum microphone and we’ll return after the address to review the high points.

PR – Members of Congress, I have the high privilege and distinct honor of presenting to you the President of the United States.

(Long and loud applause.)

PT – Thank you Mr. Speaker.  Thank you, Paul.  It feels strange to be thanking you Paul.  Up until the tax overhaul bill I was ready to write you off as a total loss.  I was going to have you primaried by some kind of radical and who knows maybe you wouldn’t have made it.  But now I’m almost fond of you.  You’re still a spineless weasel but you’re my spineless weasel, so you’ve got that going for you which is nice.  And Mitch McConnell, what can I say?  You’re like some kind of petrified fossil that exists outside of the world we live in.  It doesn’t seem possible that anything as weird as you could still exist but you do.  If we could replace you with an animatronic character like a talking walrus or porcupine I believe it would increase our popularity with the voters but anyway I can’t be too mad at you either because of the tax bill.

Now, you Democrats are a different story.  You all are without a doubt the lowest form of pond scum to ever successfully masquerade as human beings.  Every time I think you’ve hit the ethical bottom you somehow dig a little deeper and go even lower.  Let’s take for instance Dick Durbin.  His lying double-crossing behavior at the DACA meeting has convinced me that if I saw Dick Durbin and a Great White Shark in the waters off of Mar a Lago I’d immediately warn … the shark!  And don’t get me started on Pelosi and Schumer.  The way people are leaving California and New York, pretty soon their own votes will be sufficient to guarantee their re-elections.  That’s right Cryin’ Chuck, the Statue of Liberty is crying over your lousy party’s inept governing of both the City and State of New York.

But it’s not all bad, I want to congratulate Al Franken for striking out for women’s rights.  He harassed enough women to ensure that a woman would replace him.  Quite a tribute.  And I’d also like to congratulate Maxine Waters for being so crazy that she now makes Rosie O’Donnell seem sane in comparison.  When Maxine said she wasn’t a Millennial but used to be I think she meant that she was born in 1000 AD.  That would explain her looks and the fact that she mostly speaks gibberish.  Back then English really hadn’t been invented yet so everyone sounded like she does.  And I know I shouldn’t make fun of a woman’s looks but honestly Maxine is so ugly she makes Pelosi and Hillary look decent by comparison.

And I’d like to thank the press for being so dishonest.  By lying at every turn you’ve made my job so much easier.  At this point I can almost guarantee that anything I say will be disputed by you folks in such ridiculous terms that even the least intelligent person will be able to tell you’re lying.  You’ve become an exaggerated parody of yourselves.  Well done and congratulations for ensuring the long tem demise of your own jobs.

And I’d like to thank all those federal judges both at the Circuit and Supreme Court level who keep usurping the constitutional power of elected officials.  You only make it easier for me to get the electorate to understand why I need to replace as many of you as I possibly can.

I’m going to take a short break while the Secret Service frog marches the Secret Society of Comey, McCabe, Strozk and Mueller down the center aisle on their way to the hoosegow but before I do I’d just like to give a shout out to one of our guests in the gallery.  I’d like to  welcome Miss Stormy Daniels coming and for confirming that I have not had sex with her.  But if I had she knows it would be the best sex she’s ever had and that my hands are ample and highly capable.

MT – Kurba!

PT – And Melania welcomes you too.  Trump out.

(Returning to the BBC broadcast location)

NG – Hello and welcome back BBC listeners.  This is former Speaker Newt Gingrich again.  Unfortunately, Toffie Bredwell has passed out.  Apparently kurba is Slovenian for whore and that was just too much for Toffie.  Stay tuned and I’m sure he’ll revive before the President continues on with the substantive portion of his speech.  But first a word from our sponsor.

 

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 3