Trump vs 2018

Scene 1 – New Year’s Day 2018 – White House, Oval Office

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike.  Pence!  Where the hell are you?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, I was just on the phone with McConnell.  He wants to know what we’re going to do to save the House and Senate in the midterms.

PT – And I thought Jeb was low energy!  Tell him to stop whining.  He’s done his part.  He got the tax bill passed.  I’ll take care of everything else.  He can go back to sleep.

VPP – I’ll tell him Mr. President.  But he brings up a good point.  With the constant attack provided by the Main Stream Media how can we keep the Democrats from taking back the Congress?

PT – Mike, haven’t you learned anything from me this year?

VPP – I’d like to think I have.

PT – Well, does playing defense sound like me?

VPP – Is holding onto Congress playing defense, Mr. President?

PT – Of course it is.  My plan isn’t to play pattycake with the communists.  It’s to scorch the earth that they occupy.  I plan to eliminate most of these freeloaders.  My vision is to empty Northern Virginia of federal employees.  I’m going to eliminate 88% of these jobs and move most of the rest to Montana.  Also, I plan to put the salary level on par with Walmart.

VPP – Is that even possible?

PT – Think big Mike.  If you can dream it, you can do it.  What dream do you have?

VPP – Well Mr. President, I’ve always wanted to achieve world peace.

PT – Well Mike, I respect that kind of epic scope, but I’ve looked into that.  It would require elimination of almost 89% of humanity to enact.  I’m just not comfortable with that kind of carnage.

VPP – Huh, what!

PT – Well, anyway, what I’m planning for 2018 is to flood the zone.  We’ll start by closing down the EEOC.

VPP – Sir, that can’t be done.

PT – That’s just a figure of speech.  We don’t need to actually shut it down.  We’ll reduce budget and headcount until it comes in line with the mission we want to achieve.

VPP – What does that mean?

PT – We defang it, decapitate it and leave a remnant for show.  Currently there are about 2,000 employees with a budget of $365,000,000.  If you do the math that is an average salary of about $180,000.

VPP – Well Mr. President, that’s their whole budget.  That includes other line items beside salary.

PT – Blah, blah, blah, Mike.  Look my plan is reduce the staff to 200 people with an average salary of $40,000.  That’s a total salary of $8,000,000 for the whole department.  Most of those folks will be clericals so that’s about right.  I’ll have twenty managers including the department head.  And I’ll be damn sure none of the managers are commies.

VPP – Sir, that’s a bold plan.  Can you get it done?

PT – Bold?  That’s just one department.  Do you have any idea how much can be saved by carrying out this initiative across the whole federal bureaucracy?

VPP – But you’ll put millions of people out of work!

PT – Let’s hope!  Oh, we’ll stagger the effect by giving them a severance package and unlimited unemployment benefits.  I figure 65% of these people are functionally unemployable.  They would actually be a drag on any business that hires them.  So it’ll be cheaper to pay them unemployment until retirement age than allow them to continue to harm the American people.  And the lower salaries we’ll pay the remnant won’t encourage them to remain in the public sector.  We’re about to eviscerate the beast.

VPP – Mr. President, will the congressional Republicans support this?

PT – Of course not.  They’re part of the beast.  But that’s my job, weasel herding.  I’m ready to handle their low energy back-stabbing.  I’m actually going to enjoy it.  Now Mike are you ready to do your job or not?

VPP – I’ll do the best I can.  But this is all so strange and disorienting.  It feels almost unreal.

PT – Just the opposite.  Reality is just too painful for the sleep-walkers.  What I’m trying to do is wean a heroin addict off the drug with methadone.  Once he’s seeing reality without the craving he can decide if he’s strong enough to handle full blown withdrawal.  America’s been on the needle for so long, it’s fifty-fifty whether it can come back.  But that’s our job.  We have to give them a chance to choose reality.

VPP – So you’re saying the Democrats are the cartel.

PT – Very good, you’re learning.

These Guys at American Greatness Are Making Me Feel Redundant

Of course, I’ve never seen them post a Trump vs Morning Shmoe and Lycra.  So there is that.

Honestly, this guy Deion Kathawa in his article Conservatives Need to Stop Indulging Leftist Narratives

hits it pretty square on the head.  These “conservative” pundits he talks about would rather walk back everything they believe than have liberals call them bad names.  That should make it easy to decide who is on our side and who is along for the ride (or paycheck).

Now, of course, if they’ve taken your dog hostage and are threatening you with Fido showing up in your mailbox piece by flea-bitten piece, then, yeah, I understand.  But the worst these guys are up against is Twitter down votes.  Maybe Google will suspend their Gmail accounts.  Hardly the stuff of hard-boiled, hard-hitting humor blogging.  If groveling is an important part of your month then maybe you should be in a different line, like politics.

Anyway, the Daily Wire thing is very disappointing.  If you have to clear your comedy skits mocking leftists, through a leftist censorship committee, I think your usefulness (except as a useful idiot for the left) is done.  And that’s the good thing that’s coming from all this.  Once you figure out the game being played by the Left and the Fake Right you stop caring what people say about you and then you can say what you really think.  A young guy at work, nice kid, asked what I thought about the NFL kneeling crap.  Now I knew he didn’t care one way or the other (or so he says).  So, I said the players and the owners can do whatever they want.  And, so can I.  So, I’ll never watch another NFL game until they apologize for what they’ve been doing for the last year.  And since I know that will never happen in a million years I can start using the time I wasted watching football on something useful.  I can get an extra post done or write a story or go out and take some pictures or read a book by someone who writes things that I enjoy.  And by turning off the NFL I’ve done my small part to starve the rats.

Trump vs A Madison Avenue Bus Ride

Scene 1: Outside Trump Tower, Corner of 57th and Madison, around sunset

Narrator – Picture if you can a man who has great wealth, a beautiful wife and family and the most powerful job in the world.  You might think he hadn’t a care in the world.  And you would be wrong.  This is the story of a man who needs good advice and there isn’t a soul in the world he can talk to.  But maybe there’s one in the Twilight Zone (fair parody usage, really!)

President Trump (PT) – Joe, what if I just take a stroll down to the corner and back?  I haven’t been in Manhattan in months.  What would be the harm?

Secret Service Agent (SSA) – I’m sorry Mr. President.  That’s impossible.  You shouldn’t even be standing this close to the street.  The car is still half a block away.  (touching his ear and talking to his lapel)  Hey, Bravo 12 who let that old bus onto Madison.  It’s pulling up to the curb.

PT – Joe, I’ll be right back.  See ya later.  (Runs into the open door of the old city bus).

SSA – All units, blockade bus heading north on Madison.  POTUS has been abducted.  (voice over radio in his ear, “Joe, what bus?  There’s nothing there.)

Scene 2: Inside bus.  PT standing next to the driver in the front of the bus.

Bus Driver (BD) – Okay pal, that’ll be fifteen cents fare.

PT – Do you have change for a hundred.

BD – What are you a weisenheimer?

PT – I wasn’t expecting to need change.  How come the fare is so low?

BD – Oh, it’s too low.  Listen to Rockefeller over here.  Look buddy either pay up or get off.

PT – I got it, I got it.  Calm down.

BD – Good.  Now sit down you’re making me nervous.

PT – Is this bus going past St Patrick’s Cathedral?

BD – Boy you are turned around.  We’re going north.  If you stay on after the turn around at 96th you can get there in another 20 minutes.

PT – Okay, thanks.

BD – So why ya heading to church?  It’s Thursday.  Somebody sick.

PT – I need some guidance.

BD – Yeah, don’t we all.  You look like an Episcopalian.  Why St Patrick’s?

PT – I’m friends with the Cardinal.

BD – Who are you supposed to be?  The Mayor?

PT – I’m the President of the United States.

BD – Hey pal.  This bus is going down Madison.  It won’t be passing Bellvue.  You may be going bald but you’re certainly not Ike.

PT – Who says I’m going bald.  This is my own hair.  Ike?

BD – Sure, whatever, we get all kinds of nuts on this line.

PT – So what kind of nostalgia service uses these old buses?  Is it a tourist company?

BD – Old?  This is a brand-new model.  It’s a 1956.  General Motors latest.

PT – 1956? What have you been smoking?

BD – Camels filterless.  Why, you want one?

PT – On a bus?  Oh never mind, keep up the act.  I guess it’s part of the tour.

BD – (under his breath) Some kind of nut.

PT – Street seems really quiet.  No traffic.

BD – It’s after 6 pm.  Rush-hour’s over.  Town’s empty.  Not much going on Thursday night.

PT – (under his breath) Some kind of nut.

BD – So, what’s this trouble you need help with, if you don’t mind me asking?  Bus drivers are like priests and bartenders.  Everyone tells them their troubles.  Maybe I’ve heard it before.

PT – Well I have these big ideas but everyone is against me and even my friends and wife are always giving me grief.

BD – Tell me about it.  Whenever I tell Alice about one of my great money making ideas she gives me that look and starts telling me why it’ll fail.  And talking to Norton, that’s my friend upstairs, is like talking to a wall.  He’s as thick as a brick.

PT – Yeah, it’s just like that.  Melania is always telling me how great it was when we lived in Manhattan and how come we can’t go back.  And Mike Pence is no help at all.  All he ever says is “work with Ryan, work with Ryan.”  Ha.  Might as well be talking to a wall.

BD – Boy, don’t I know that feeling.  It’s, “when are we getting out of Bensonhurst?” and “why can’t we buy a new refrigerator?”  She thinks I’m made of money.  Not that I don’t do okay but how much can you buy on $62 a week?

PT – Boy I really am gonna have to stimulate the economy.  It really is a third world job market out there.

BD – Huh?

PT – You seem pretty sharp.  What would you say is the biggest problem facing the world right now?

BD – The Commie newspaper guys at the Times.

PT – Yeah I agree.  Them and CNN.

BD – C and N?

PT – Yeah, that Acosta guy is brutal.  I’ve blocked him on Twitter.

BD – Huh?

PT – Let’s not go over it again.  I’m tired of that guy all together.  So, what’s the answer?  What should I do?

BD – A very wise man once told me not to listen to the naysayers.  Just don’t give up.  Give it all you’ve got and reach for that high note.

PT – That’s pretty good advice.  Never mind the church.  Look we’re back at Trump Tower.  Drop me off here.

BD – Okay here you go.  Which Tower did you say?

PT – Trump.  And thanks for the advice.  You’re the smartest nut I’ve ever talked to.

BD – Likewise pal.  And give my regards to Mamie.  Har-har-hardy-har-har.  (under his breath) What a nut!  Wait’ll I tell Norton.

PT – Mamie?  Gee what a nut.  Wait’ll I tell Melania.

SSA – Mr. President, are you alright?

PT – Couldn’t be better Joe.

SSA – That old bus is gone again.  Where did it go?

PT – To a different place.  And I hope he gets there alright.

SSA – (under his breath)  I’ve gotta get a new gig.

Narrator- An hallucination or a midtown apparition from a simpler time?  Either way, life’s no Honeymoon here in the Twilight Zone.