Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 1

Scene1: White House West Wing, 8am, President Trump (PT) calling for Vice President Pence (VPP)

PT – Mike.  Mike.  Mike!!!  Where the hell are you Pence.

VPP –  Right here Mr. President.  I was on the phone with Ryan and McConnell.  They wanted a copy of your speech to help coordinate the standing ovations.

PT – Tell’em to forget about that bull.  I don’t want them cheering.  Tell them to keep their seats and keep quiet.

VPP – Oh no.  What are you planning Mr. President?

PT – I plan on using the speech to wake some people up and put some rats on notice.

VPP – Sir, the State of the Union speech is intended to report to the people on where we are as a nation.

PT – Well Mike, despite the fact that the economy is starting to come to life do you really think there is any reason for standing ovations?  I’m going to tell them the truth.  I’m going to talk about the FBI and the Justice Department and how they’re being run like the KGB with crooked operations targeting Americans because of who they are and not what they’ve done.  I’m gonna talk about Lisa Page and Peter Strzok.  America will love what the FBI is up to on their dime.  I’m gonna talk about McCabe and Mueller and Comey and the “Secret Society” they cooked up against me.  I’m gonna make their hair curl.

VPP – Oh good grief.  Mr. President, I’m asking you to reconsider.  You’re going to scare the American people.  We have the midterms coming up and we can’t have the electorate thinking of us as the crazy party.

PT – Look Pence, you’re gonna have to man up or I’ll have to say you have the flu and couldn’t come.  Besides this is gonna be great.  The people are gonna get this 100%.  You’ve gotta remember they’re used to seeing bureaucrats shake down citizens.  They’ll rally to me when I give them the details of the plot.

VPP – Sorry Mr. President.  I’ll do my best to keep on my game face.

PT – That’s the stuff.  Besides once Cryin’ Chuck begins weeping you won’t be able to stop laughing.  It’s that funny.  Anyway, get Sessions down here.  I was thinking that it might be fun to have the Secret Society rounded up and perp walked right during the middle of the State of the Union address.  I want to see if he can arrange that on queue from me at the podium.  Do you think it would be undignified if I had the Marine Corp Band play “Nananana Hey Hey Hey Goodbye” by Steam during their exit?

VPP – No sir, not for you.  In fact, now that I’ve heard about it, I guess even I’d be disappointed if you didn’t play it.  But to tell you the truth, now that I think about it, what about that Linda Rondstadt song that goes “You’re no good, you’re no good, you’re no good, baby you’re no good, I’m gonna say it again!”

PT – No you’re not gonna say it again.  No I prefer Steam.  It’s a classic.

VPP – As you wish sir.

PT – Exactly.

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 2

Trump vs The Deep State

Announcer’s Voice (surprising Don Pardo-esque!) – We interrupt this regularly scheduled and highly uninteresting programming to bring an important message from the President of the United States.

(President Trump) – Good evening, my fellow Americans, I hate to break in on your viewing of “Fresh Off the Boat” or whatever other crapfest you were watching, but I need you to wake up for thirty seconds, put down the Doritos and listen carefully.

For the last few months, ever since I kicked Hillary’s ass in the election, Obama and his stooges in the FBI, CIA and NSA have been cooking up a sting operation against my nominees to stop all the things I’m doing to drain the swamp.  You see, they are the swamp and they don’t want to be drained.  Unfortunately some of the appointees allowed themselves to be tricked into trying to hide the contacts that the sting operation was using as bait.  Well that doesn’t reflect well on their own intelligence and honesty.  But they’re also the best we’ve got so I can’t allow this nonsense to go on.

That is why I’ve come up with a two prong solution to this problem.  First I’m providing a blanket pardon to all these nabobs who took the Obama bait.  They don’t deserve it but it’s the only way to put an end to this nonsense.

Second, I’m announcing a bounty for anyone who has evidence that I can use against this little cabal that Obama and Clinton have cooked up.  I’m calling it Dollars for Democrats.  If you have evidence that will allow me to prosecute any of these losers, I’ll give you cash, lots of cash.  You name the price.  A million dollars, a hundred million dollars, let’s talk.  I’ll also throw in a pardon and even secret service protection if it’s on Bill and Hillary (they’re known to get vicious, I’ve heard).  And don’t forget, if you’ve got something showing who is leaking this stuff to the Times and Post I’ll get you a Presidential Medal of Valour (if there is such a thing) and probably put your face on a postage stamp.

Okay, that’s it.  Go back to the bong now but try to remember and think about it if you still can.  Trump out!