Trump vs The FBI

Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT), Vice President Pence (VPP), First Lady Melania Trump (MT), Karen Pence (KP), TV Announcer who sounds like Don Pardo (TVAWSLDP)

 

Scene 1 – White House Oval Office; Tuesday, 4pm;

 

PT – Mike.  Mike!  PENCE!!!!  Where the hell are you Mike?

(Mike Pence rushes through door.)

VPP – Mr. President, for Pete’s sake!  I was just on the phone with Robert Mueller.  Alright, what can I do for you?

PT – Hey, take it down a notch Mike.  Remember you work for me.

VPP – Actually Mr. President, like you, I was elected by and work directly for the American people.  You can’t fire me.

PT – Hmmm, I’ll look into that.  Anyway, I was calling you to find out how that conversation with Mueller went.

VPP – Actually, it went very well.  He hasn’t got me on his list of interviewees.

PT – Well, aren’t you special Mike!  But don’t get any ideas about succession plans.  I’m going to be here and if you want to be part of the second term you’ll keep your nose clean and help me get some work done.

VPP – Naturally Mr. President.

PT – So what did he want?  I mean beside buttering you up.

VPP – He was cross-checking some statements that James Comey made against what was reported in the Congressional Committee report last week.

PT – Good.  I hope that dope Mueller finally gets off the dime and jails these criminals in the FBI and Justice Department that were spying on me.

VPP – Well, Mr. President, it’s not as easy as you make it sound.  Investigator Mueller will need to document criminal behavior and then obtain a Grand Jury indictment before a trial is possible.

PT – Oh wake up.  All he has to do is get these losers into that interrogation room.  You know the one.  The one with the old table and chairs.  The one where Sipowicz always roughed them up to get a confession back on NYPD Blue.  I always remember how he would close the blinds and take off his gun and badge and then beat them up for a while before they cracked.  Boy, that guy knew his stuff.

VPP – Oh, for the love of Mike!  Mr. President, that’s a TV cop show.  Investigator Mueller is not going to rough up James Comey to coerce a confession.  And even if he did, it’s illegal and the evidence would be thrown out of court and Mueller would be indicted for doing it.

PT – You know Mike, you’re making it very difficult for me to imagine you as President.  You don’t seem to want to win.

VPP – Mr. President, focus!  We are going to have to coordinate many facets of the Russian investigation and the FBI investigation in a measured way to avoid the type of media coverage that damages our ability to control the message.  You can’t expect us to indulge in banana-republic or fictional law enforcement tactics.  We must be sober and above reproach.

PT – Fine. Do it your way.  But I’m starting to think this whole thing is going nowhere.  I mean, why even bother to have a witch hunt if you don’t get to burn some witches?

VPP – But, oh never mind.  Mr. President, I’ve got to go.

PT – Whatever.

(Mike Pence leaves the scene.  President Trump sits down at the Oval Office desk and starts to type something on his computer.  Melania Trump enters the room.)

MT – Schmoopy, what did you say to Mike.  He is so sad.  I thought he would have cried!

PT – Me Schmoopy? Why I was just discussing the Justice Department business.  I thought he was very happy.  I didn’t say anything.  He must just be nervous or something.  You know how nervous people from the mid-west are. Very, very nervous.

MT – I think you yelled at him like you did to that poor Crying Chuck and made him cry.  That was very sad.  And he told that sad story about the crying statue and it was very sad.  You should not make ladies cry not even lady statues.  It is too sad.

PT – But wait, no, that wasn’t true.  Lyin’ Chuck was crying, I mean Cryin’ Chuck was lying.  Statues don’t cry.

MT – Yes, they do.  In my village there was a statue of the Virgin Mary that cried many times.

PT – Yes, but that was a miracle.  Cryin’ Chuck isn’t a saint.  He’s a Democrat which makes him an atheist.  You shouldn’t believe him.

MT – Well, okay Schmoopy, but I think you made Mike sad.  You must fix this right away.  Mike is a good friend and we need him to help you from not going the kooky.

PT – But I don’t go the kooky, I mean go kooky.  Schmoopy you have to leave these important government matters to me.  I am a very stable genius you know.

MT – Please Schmoopy, say you are sorry to Mike and bring him to Arby’s for some good roast beef.  Please, please!

PT – Maybe you’re right Schmoopy, I’ll talk to him.  He is a good friend.

 

Scene 2 The Vice-Presidential Residence.  Tuesday 8pm

(VP Pence sitting in his living room watching Wheel of Fortune while eating a tv dinner, his wife Karen is bringing in a can of beer.)

KP – Here’s your PBR dear.

VPP – Thanks hon.  You wouldn’t believe what that maniac said today.

KP – Oh Mike, let’s not talk about work tonight.  It’ll only upset you.

VPP – Alright, but I tell you, sometimes I feel like telling him what I really think.

(suddenly an announcer, who sounds a lot like the late Don Pardo, breaks into the broadcast)

TVAWSLDP – We interrupt this boring game show to bring you a message from the President of the United States.

PT – My fellow Americans I come to bring you important information.  Yes, I know you want continue drugging yourself into imbecility but drop the bong and try to concentrate.  Earlier today I was talking to Vice President Pence.

VPP – Oh great Scott.

PT – I told him I wanted to get Jim Comey in one of those interrogation rooms with the old table and chairs.  You know the ones I mean.  And I wanted to Sipowicz him.  That’s modern cop-talk for slappin’ him around.  But that was wrong.  Comey was a cop himself. He wouldn’t have been fooled into confessing.  Vice President Pence knew this and said so.  But it ticked me off.  And I said some not so nice things to him.  The First Lady let me know I was wrong and so I thought about what I should do.  What I did was go on Twitter and offer a fifty-million-dollar reward to anyone who could confirm that Jim Comey was lying about all the Russian stuff and blabbing to the newspapers about all that stuff.  Well, as luck would have it three different FBI agents provided video tape of Comey committing all kinds of offenses.  It was sort of an America’s Funniest Home Videos of Treason.  So now Investigator Mueller has agreed to prosecute Comey and then close his investigation before I find something on him.  Boy, it’s great to be rich.

But all that is beside the point.  The main thing is I was mean to a friend.  Mike Pence is a good guy.  He isn’t crooked like Hillary or a liar like Ted or a crybaby like Chuck.  He’s a good guy who comes to work on time with a clean shirt and combed hair. That hair may be a little short and white but it’s definitely neat.  He’s always polite to people and he doesn’t try to stab you in the back.  He’s a little too nice for the killer stuff but that’s why I have Mad Dog.  So Mike I’m sorry.  Now stop sulking like a little girl and come back to work.  We can even go to Arby’s tomorrow, my treat.  Trump out.

KP – Oh, wasn’t that nice.  He said he was sorry.  I’ll have to thank Melania for telling him to do that.

VPP – Karen, better put the beer back in the fridge.  I’m going to need the Jack Daniels instead, no water.

KP – Yes dear.

Trump vs White House Apprentice – Part 2

Scene 1: White House, West Wing, Monday 8 a.m.

President Trump (PT) – Schmoopy, I need your advice.

Melania Trump (MT) – Of course Schmoopy.  I am always here to advise and consent.

PT – I think that’s the Senate.

MT – Well, with all the Weinstein stuff happening I think you should make sure you have consent.

PT – Point taken.  I’m trying to decide between different events for my White House Apprentice contest.

MT – That sounds easy.  You already did the Apprentice many times.

PT – Yes, but this is for the Presidency.  It’s a much bigger deal and I have to make sure I eliminate the nuts.  We don’t want a maniac in charge of the nuclear football.

MT – This is the truth.  I remember you got yelled at by the Secret Service guy when you left this football on the golf course that time.  He seemed very upset.  I think he cried a little.

PT – Probably just sweat.  He was sweating pretty bad that day running around the golf course looking for it.  He had to pull his gun on that landscaper who was trying to open it with his Leatherman tool.  Ahh, good times.

MT – Well, Schmoopy, why don’t you try getting the information from their wives.  Wives always know if their husbands are crazy.

PT – Is that true?

MT – (rolling her eyes, derisively) Oh, believe me it’s true.

PT – But how can we get them to tell the truth about that?

MT – You should be asking who could stop them from telling the truth.  Have you ever known a woman to keep a secret about her husband on TV?

PT – I think you’ve got something there.  There used to be a show on TV in the Seventies called the Newlywed Game.  The broads on that thing were always spilling the beans on their husbands.

MT – Maybe you could use that Schmoopy.

PT – Schmoopy, you’re a genius.

MT – Remember that when I hit fifty.

PT – You’re not already?

MT – You will pay for that.

 

Scene 2: White House Broadcast Studio, The set of the Newlywed Game has been recreated right down to the cheesy theme music and Don Pardo announcer voice.

Announcer Don Pardo (ADP) – Welcome to the Newlywed Game and here’s the host of the Newlywed Game, Donalllld Trump!

PT – Thank you Don.  And who are our contestants?

ADP – All the way from Janesville Wisconsin, here’s Paul and Janna Ryan.  He loves supply side economics and sticking it to the Deplorables.  She loves raising her kids and making a loving home for them.

PT – Welcome Janna and whatsisname too.  And who else is here with us Don?

ADP – Hailing from the Sunshine State of Florida are JEB! and Columba Bush.  He likes backpacking and backpedaling on conservative positions and she loves spending time with her kids and grandkids.

PT – Welcome Columba and JEB!, I’m glad to see the Bozo makeup rash has stopped oozing, mostly.  And Don who are our last couple?

ADP – Hailing from the “Natural State, these Arkansas natives, are staunch conservative republicans.  Please welcome Phil and Mallory Clanton.  He likes fighting to restore old-fashioned gender roles and respect for women in America and she is just an old-fashioned cookie baking grannie with no stuck up about her and great respect for the alt-right.

PT – Oh for pity’s sake.  Isn’t there anything short of garlic and a wooden stake that can stop you two?

Mallory Clanton (MC) – Ahh’m nat tahred ate tall.  We is just pour country folks is awwwl.  We’s is hair tuh halp ‘Muhrca be’s great agin.

PT – Security, drag these two out and don’t be too gentle with her but watch out, I think she’s got a shiv.

Phil Clanton (PC) – Hey, any chance I can pick up a few odds and ends I left in the Lincoln bedroom?  I can get them myself if you loan me a claw hammer for the floorboards.  They’re kinda personal if you know what I’m saying.

PT – Security, definitely rough him up a bunch.  Then pull up the floor in the Lincoln bedroom and fumigate.

ADP – Well that’s all the time we have.  But we do have lovely consolation prizes for everyone (except the Clantons).  Each couple will receive a home version of the Newlywed Game and a quart of good scotch to remember how you almost got to be President of the United States.  Good night everybody.