The Dog Days – 2019 Edition

As I’ve mentioned too many times before, there are only two seasons in New England; Winter and July.  And a glance at the calendar tells me that this week it will be time to have the snow blower tuned up and order a couple of tons of road sand (I stay away from salt on account of respect for my well water quality).

But before the horror truly begins it’s allowable to savor the brief ecstasy that July represents.  July this year has been undeniably full-blast summer almost from beginning to end.   It’s been one sunny hot day after another with only a torrential thunderstorm thrown in occasionally to keep the lawn from turning to straw and blowing away.  The only irregularity was a soggy May and June where the lack of sunshine has offset flower bloom and butterfly schedules by at least three weeks.  Only in the last few days have the monarch caterpillars finally appeared on the milkweed and the Black-Eyed-Susans are behind in their flowering by about the same amount.  But actually, that isn’t the worst thing in the world.  It will make August much livelier than typically and will allow me the illusion that Autumn is far, far away.

The other thing that the end of summer heralds is the beginning of the political season.  July and August are the silly season in the news business.  Everyone is on vacation and no one reads the news.  Even blogs see a downturn in readership during this time and compensate by featuring human interest stories, conspiracy theories and scantily clad women.  Here at OCF we can’t afford these fripperies so we make up for it with good old fashioned hard-boiled investigative reporting.  We make the deep dive into the who, what and why behind those headlines you see splashed across the top of the News.  We’re not satisfied with echoing the news.  We’re determined to break the news.  And that is why I’m honored to announce our first scoop of the New England Winter Season.

Creepy Uncle Joe Biden will select Michelle Obama as his running mate.

It seems to be the perfect way for a campaign ticket fronted by Creepy Uncle Joe to add the requisite number of intersectional victim points that he so obviously lacks.  Also, that way, when Biden loses it adds the marginal credibility of having been a VP running mate for when Michelle runs for President in 2024.  For the Dems it’s a win/win.  This lets them vote for an old straight white guy who has the best chance of actually winning but without feeling like sellouts.  And it gives the Obamas a foot back in the White House door.  And now they can reuse all those Obama/Biden buttons and bumper stickers.  They just have to cut the year off.  And flip them around or something.

Now you may ask where this bombshell report originated.  Well, let’s just say that the research was a combination of powerful artificial intelligence search algorithms and the intuition that only comes from decades of good old fashioned hard-boiled investigative reporting.  That’s right, we had Walter Cronkite’s engrams uploaded into a cloud-based matrix and then overlaid them with the programming from the HAL 9000 system.

Well, actually, we really couldn’t do either of those things.  We don’t really know what engrams are and even if we did, we wouldn’t be allowed to mess with Walter Cronkite.  And the HAL 9000 computer never really existed.  So, no, we didn’t do those things.  But we really thought about this a lot and we really think we nailed this.  It’s definitely Michelle Obama, definitely.  Well, there is a small, small chance that it’s actually gonna be Oprah.  Like three to six percent.  And maybe like a half a percent Beyoncé but that’s like not even worth mentioning.

Well there you have it.  Hard hitting news gathered by good old fashioned hard-boiled investigative reporting.  You heard it here first.  It’s Biden/Obama!  Or /Oprah.  Or just possibly / Beyoncé.  One of those for sure!

I think.