[Announcer]: We interrupt this regularly scheduled broadcast of some utterly meaningless reality show to bring you the already in progress televised presentation of President Trump’s campaign rally for Incumbent Republican Senator Rathbone Bamboozle from the Great State of Northeast Meetah. And here is the President.
[President Trump]: Thank you Senator Bamboozle for that rambling incoherent introduction. I couldn’t understand everything you said because you are so falling down drunk but from what I heard I disagree with about every fourth word. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I’m here tonight to convince you to get out and vote for Senator Bamboozle. Looking back on his long and storied career of graft, corruption, featherbedding and just plain influence peddling it’s hard to believe that I can actually find a single reason to recommend him. I mean look at him. He’s an old, fat, drunken, dishonest SOB and he’s hideously ugly to boot. In a better world, I’d be urging the Senate Majority Leader to proffer charges against him prior to expulsion from the Senate and if it’s still permitted I’d have him bullwhipped out of the Capitol Building. But we don’t live in a better world. In this world your choice is this worthless bag of crap or a Democrat. So, relatively speaking, the bag of crap is the better man. If the Democrats get in, we can expect them to stonewall all further progress on job creation, tax relief, trade improvement and immigration control. We’ll have no further progress on an honest Supreme Court and we’ll end up with socialism and reverse racism tainting every law and government program.
I remember just last year Rathbone Bamboozle declared in the pit of the Senate that he would do everything in his power to see that my presidency failed. He said that my positions on immigration and trade were un-American. He swore that he would oppose any policy that I championed and swore that he would petition the FBI to prosecute me on charges that I colluded with the Russians against Crooked Hillary.
Well, that was then, this is now. Senator Bamboozle is thirty points under water in the polls and his wife has left him for the local termite inspection guy who works his neighborhood. She said he associates with a better class of individuals than her husband. So, after he begged me on his hands and knees and the political spin doctors assured me that we need his seat to move forward with our agenda, I agreed very reluctantly to come here and ask you long suffering people to bring this loser back to the Senate. I can’t claim that he will be a better Senator or a better man but I can promise you that once I have enough votes in the Senate to not need his sorry butt around anymore, I’ll have him investigated by the IRS and sent to prison for at least twenty years. (turning around to the dais) You hear that Rathbone? Better start a weight training program. Prison is a pretty tough gig.
So, in conclusion, vote for this bum. I’ve written a new campaign slogan for him. Tell me what you think. “He’s a worthless, evil, conniving bastard, but he’s not Satan himself.” (the crowd gives him a standing ovation) Trump out.