Bowling Night

Scene 1 – 7am Monday, White House West Wing, President Trump in the Oval Office on the phone with Steve Bannon

President Trump (PT) – Look Bannon, just because I fired you doesn’t mean you can get away with ducking my calls.

Steve Bannon (SB) (on the phone line) – Sorry Mr. President, but it’s 4a.m. here in LA.  And last night I was detained by pressing business.  The whole Weinstein thing has got us working really late.

PT – Yeah, yeah whatever.  Look I’m supposed to get together with the President of Poland and he’s under the mistaken impression that I’m a pro caliber bowler.

SB – Is that because you told him you are?

PT – That’s beside the point.  What I need is someone to check my form and make sure I’m not hooking it.

SB – I don’t know.  I’ve seen you bowl.  There are navy jets with less hook than you.  Wouldn’t it be easier to just say you threw out your back?

PT – You’re not helping Bannon.

SB – Well look, I’ve got a friend who used to be a pro bowler.  He’s the perfect guy to give you some pointers.  I’ll send the security guys his info and they can have him in the White House tonight.  I’ll let him know he has his work cut out for him.

PT – Boy I wish I hadn’t fired you.  Then I could fire you now.  Goodbye!

 

Scene 2 – Early that night, White House Bowling Alley

PT – Hey you certainly got here early.  I wasn’t expecting you till ten.

Bowling Pro (BP) – I always bowl at this time.

PT – Okay, sure, whatever.  You want to bowl a practice game just to warm up?

BP – Sure pal, why not?  My partner didn’t show and it’s Friday so there’s no rush.

PT – Friday?  It’s Monday.

BP – It ain’t Monday.  Otherwise I’d be getting up for work tomorrow and wouldn’t be here.

PT – Bannon sure knows how to pick ‘em.  Okay, sure it’s Friday.  Let’s bowl.

BP – Whatever you say.  (mumbling) another nut!

PT – What?

BP – Nothing, nothing.  Let’s bowl.

(President Trump takes his first throw.  The ball hooks left only knocking down one pin).

BP – You hooked it.

PT – I know I hooked.  What do I do about it?

BP – You’re swinging your arm out during the advance.  Slow it down and concentrate on the pocket.  The ball will follow your eye.

PT – Okay, let me try that again.

BP – Perfect you got the spare.

PT – Yes I am actually an amazing bowler.

BP – Oh, now you’re an amazing bowler.  Listen pal, my neighbor’s kid Tommy Manicotti is in the fourth grade and currently has the measles but he could beat you bowling left handed.

PT – Oh, yeah?  Well I could have Tommy Manicotti investigated by the FBI.  Then he wouldn’t be so tough.

BP – You, are a mental case.

PT – Yeah, well I’ve got my form back, so you can just take a hike.

BP – Oh, yeah?  I’ll bet you ten bucks the next one ends up in the right gutter.

PT – How about ten thousand?

BP – Sure pal, make it ten thousand.  I’ll call up my Uncle Rockefeller for a loan. (mumbles) What a mook.

(President Trump throws the ball and gutters to the right)

PT – What the hell happened?  I always hook to the left.

BP – You lost your concentration with all the yelling and overcompensated.

PT – You really know what you’re talking about.  How did you figure that out?

BP – Well, to be honest, I kinda have the same problem.  I usually bowl with this neighbor of mine.  He’s the nicest guy in the world, would give you the shirt off his back, but he’s also the most annoying man on the face of the planet.  I sometimes have to count to ten after talking to him just to get my concentration back.

PT – Yeah, I know a guy like that too.  Vice President Pence.  Great guy but always annoying me about what people might think about my speeches.

BP – Yeah, I know what you mean.  The President at the Racoons Lodge is always going on about some charity thing we have to sponsor.  Very annoying.

PT – Yeah these guys never give you a break.  Sounds like we have similar problems.  Does it ever get you down?

BP – Sure pal, every New Yorker deals with the rat race every day but when he goes home at night he’s king of his castle.  If he’s got a good wife and a few good friends it doesn’t matter if his job is tough and there’s not enough money for that new bowling ball.  He’s still the richest man in the world because he’s free and as good as the next guy.  And he’s living in the greatest country on the face of the earth.

PT – You’re a New Yorker?

BP – And so are you.  Do we sound like we’re from Boston?

PT – That’s true.  It’s just being here I assumed you were local.

BP – Well my mother’s people were originally from Passaic but they moved to the Bronx way back.

PT – Hmm.  What you said made a lot of sense.  Mind if I use it in a speech I’m gonna make?

BP – Knock yourself out.  My lodge brothers usually wander off to the sandwich table when I start gassing about that stuff.  They’re more interested in who’s pitching for the Dodgers and Giants when they play a cross-town.

PT – You live in California now?

BP – Huh?  No!  (mumbles)  This guy’s got a screw loose.

PT – Oh, never mind.  Well look.  Thanks for the pointers.  And thanks for the speech line.  Maybe we could get together again sometime and talk politics.

BP – Sure I’m here every Friday night, unless Alice wants to go to the Hong Kong Gardens.

PT – What?  Okay sure. Bye.

Scene 3 -A little later that night, West Wing

(President Trump on the phone with Security)

PT – What is it Al?

Secret Service Agent (SSA) (on phone) – Mr. President, that bowling pro friend of Mr. Bannon’s just called to apologize.  He’s stuck in traffic outside Washington and won’t make it tonight.   …….  Mr. President are you still there?  Did you hear what I said?

PT – Uh, yeah sure.  Thanks. (hangs phone up)  Hmm.

Trump vs A Madison Avenue Bus Ride

Scene 1: Outside Trump Tower, Corner of 57th and Madison, around sunset

Narrator – Picture if you can a man who has great wealth, a beautiful wife and family and the most powerful job in the world.  You might think he hadn’t a care in the world.  And you would be wrong.  This is the story of a man who needs good advice and there isn’t a soul in the world he can talk to.  But maybe there’s one in the Twilight Zone (fair parody usage, really!)

President Trump (PT) – Joe, what if I just take a stroll down to the corner and back?  I haven’t been in Manhattan in months.  What would be the harm?

Secret Service Agent (SSA) – I’m sorry Mr. President.  That’s impossible.  You shouldn’t even be standing this close to the street.  The car is still half a block away.  (touching his ear and talking to his lapel)  Hey, Bravo 12 who let that old bus onto Madison.  It’s pulling up to the curb.

PT – Joe, I’ll be right back.  See ya later.  (Runs into the open door of the old city bus).

SSA – All units, blockade bus heading north on Madison.  POTUS has been abducted.  (voice over radio in his ear, “Joe, what bus?  There’s nothing there.)

Scene 2: Inside bus.  PT standing next to the driver in the front of the bus.

Bus Driver (BD) – Okay pal, that’ll be fifteen cents fare.

PT – Do you have change for a hundred.

BD – What are you a weisenheimer?

PT – I wasn’t expecting to need change.  How come the fare is so low?

BD – Oh, it’s too low.  Listen to Rockefeller over here.  Look buddy either pay up or get off.

PT – I got it, I got it.  Calm down.

BD – Good.  Now sit down you’re making me nervous.

PT – Is this bus going past St Patrick’s Cathedral?

BD – Boy you are turned around.  We’re going north.  If you stay on after the turn around at 96th you can get there in another 20 minutes.

PT – Okay, thanks.

BD – So why ya heading to church?  It’s Thursday.  Somebody sick.

PT – I need some guidance.

BD – Yeah, don’t we all.  You look like an Episcopalian.  Why St Patrick’s?

PT – I’m friends with the Cardinal.

BD – Who are you supposed to be?  The Mayor?

PT – I’m the President of the United States.

BD – Hey pal.  This bus is going down Madison.  It won’t be passing Bellvue.  You may be going bald but you’re certainly not Ike.

PT – Who says I’m going bald.  This is my own hair.  Ike?

BD – Sure, whatever, we get all kinds of nuts on this line.

PT – So what kind of nostalgia service uses these old buses?  Is it a tourist company?

BD – Old?  This is a brand-new model.  It’s a 1956.  General Motors latest.

PT – 1956? What have you been smoking?

BD – Camels filterless.  Why, you want one?

PT – On a bus?  Oh never mind, keep up the act.  I guess it’s part of the tour.

BD – (under his breath) Some kind of nut.

PT – Street seems really quiet.  No traffic.

BD – It’s after 6 pm.  Rush-hour’s over.  Town’s empty.  Not much going on Thursday night.

PT – (under his breath) Some kind of nut.

BD – So, what’s this trouble you need help with, if you don’t mind me asking?  Bus drivers are like priests and bartenders.  Everyone tells them their troubles.  Maybe I’ve heard it before.

PT – Well I have these big ideas but everyone is against me and even my friends and wife are always giving me grief.

BD – Tell me about it.  Whenever I tell Alice about one of my great money making ideas she gives me that look and starts telling me why it’ll fail.  And talking to Norton, that’s my friend upstairs, is like talking to a wall.  He’s as thick as a brick.

PT – Yeah, it’s just like that.  Melania is always telling me how great it was when we lived in Manhattan and how come we can’t go back.  And Mike Pence is no help at all.  All he ever says is “work with Ryan, work with Ryan.”  Ha.  Might as well be talking to a wall.

BD – Boy, don’t I know that feeling.  It’s, “when are we getting out of Bensonhurst?” and “why can’t we buy a new refrigerator?”  She thinks I’m made of money.  Not that I don’t do okay but how much can you buy on $62 a week?

PT – Boy I really am gonna have to stimulate the economy.  It really is a third world job market out there.

BD – Huh?

PT – You seem pretty sharp.  What would you say is the biggest problem facing the world right now?

BD – The Commie newspaper guys at the Times.

PT – Yeah I agree.  Them and CNN.

BD – C and N?

PT – Yeah, that Acosta guy is brutal.  I’ve blocked him on Twitter.

BD – Huh?

PT – Let’s not go over it again.  I’m tired of that guy all together.  So, what’s the answer?  What should I do?

BD – A very wise man once told me not to listen to the naysayers.  Just don’t give up.  Give it all you’ve got and reach for that high note.

PT – That’s pretty good advice.  Never mind the church.  Look we’re back at Trump Tower.  Drop me off here.

BD – Okay here you go.  Which Tower did you say?

PT – Trump.  And thanks for the advice.  You’re the smartest nut I’ve ever talked to.

BD – Likewise pal.  And give my regards to Mamie.  Har-har-hardy-har-har.  (under his breath) What a nut!  Wait’ll I tell Norton.

PT – Mamie?  Gee what a nut.  Wait’ll I tell Melania.

SSA – Mr. President, are you alright?

PT – Couldn’t be better Joe.

SSA – That old bus is gone again.  Where did it go?

PT – To a different place.  And I hope he gets there alright.

SSA – (under his breath)  I’ve gotta get a new gig.

Narrator- An hallucination or a midtown apparition from a simpler time?  Either way, life’s no Honeymoon here in the Twilight Zone.