Trump vs The Pensive Pence

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT);  Secretary Jim (Mad Dog) Mattis – (JM);  Vice President Pence – (VPP);  Attorney General Jeff Sessions – (JS);  Receptionist Patty – (RP)

 

Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Inside the Oval Office, President Trump at his desk.

PT – Mike.  Mike.  Pence!!!  Where the hell are you Pence?

(President Trump pressing the intercom switch)

PT – Patty, where the hell is Mike?

(The intercom replies)

RP – Mr. President, the Vice President hung up the phone on me when I called him up this morning.  He said, and I quote, “tell that lunatic I’m done,” unquote.

PT – What lunatic does he mean?

RP – I couldn’t say Mr. President.

PT – Okay Patty, get Mad Dog in here.

RP – Yes Mr. President.

(Secretary Mattis rushes into the Oval Office almost immediately).

PT – Mad Dog, what took you?

JM – I was caught in cross town traffic.

PT – Excuses.  Pence has cracked.  What can we do?

JM – Air strike, special forces extraction, black ops, wet work, several things.

PT – Hey Mattis, I make the jokes around here.  You’re the straight man.

JM – Well then, let’s just say I don’t handle psy-ops.  But if you want my opinion, tell him to resign.  It’s not like things are going to get easier anytime soon.

PT – And they say I’m the prick.

JM – All due respect Mr. President.

PT – Alright, get the hell out and send in Sessions.

(Mattis leaves and a few minutes later Jeff Sessions enters.)

JS – Mr. President, how can I help you?

PT – Jeff, we’ve got a problem.  Mike seems to have reached his limit.

JS – Mr. President, we’re all under enormous strain.  Maybe Mattis is right and you should encourage Mike to step down.

PT – Yeah but it’s different for Mike.  I’ve kept him out of the loop on a lot of what goes on behind the scenes so he won’t be vulnerable to attack by those psychopaths under you.  Because of that all this stuff looks completely fubar.  Plus I need him on deck in case they get me.

JS – Good points.  Alright, what do we do?

PT – I don’t know, I think I’ll try to talk him down off the ledge.  But I may need some shock and awe.  See if you can come up with a plan.

JS – I’ll get right on it.

 

Scene 2 – Same day, outside the Vice Presidential Mansion.  President Trump and two secret service agent standing in front of the door.  President Trump pushes the intercom button.

PT – Hey Mike.  It’s me.  Let me in and we’ll talk.

Mike Pence’s voice answers loudly through the intercom.

VPP – Go away.  I’ve got nothing to say.  I’m going on leave.  Leave any messages with my secretary.

PT – Oh come on Mike, this is important.  Where’s your sense of decorum?

VPP – Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

PT – Mike, are you okay?

(There’s no answer from the intercom and a minute later Mike Pence comes to the door.  He has a three day growth of beard and is wearing a sweat suit.)

VPP – Look you maniac, don’t you understand I’ve had all I can take.  Insulting volatile world leaders at the brink of nuclear confrontation, paying off porn actresses, endlessly quarreling with reporters, business leaders, Congress and your own employees.  Not a single day goes by that you don’t fire someone or threaten to fire someone.  You vacillate back and forth between contradictory positions on everything from gun control to tariffs to illegal immigration.  And then there’s the Mueller thing.  Which is it?  Are you going to fire him or is he going to send you to jail?  I have had it.  I’m starting to become psychotic myself.  So just leave me alone.  I’m taking a vacation and when I get back I’m going to resign.

PT – Hey you two guys go over by the car, I’ve got something to say to the vice President that you can’t hear.

(Secret Service agents move away.)

PT – Mike, everything you say is true.  Under a normal politician none of this stuff would be happening.  Most of the earlier Presidents like FDR, Kennedy and Bush Senior had their affairs hushed up by the FBI.  Only Clinton got outed because he was an outsider.  But in my defense all of my stuff is from way before I was in the White House.  And other than you, there’s probably no one in Washington who doesn’t have his skeletons.

VPP – Well, actually that’s true Mr. President, but…

PT – And with respect to Kim Jung Un and Assad, wouldn’t you say that my approach, while bombastic is actually more effective and honest than what the last four Presidents have done?

VPP –Well yes, I guess that’s true, but…

PT – And with respect to quarreling with leftists, was the appeasement that W or his father employed more or less successful than my confrontational style?

VPP – Well sure, but…

PT – And has my stutter step rhetoric made it possible for me to more or less avoid some of the traps like the Dreamer Bill and any major compromises on the budget?

VPP – Yeah, but…

PT – And as far as firing people, wouldn’t you admit, considering what we’re doing right now, that working for me can’t be done by many people and leads to high attrition?

VPP – Huhh.  Hmm.  You’ve got a point.

PT – Look Mike.  I’m not pretending that I’m normal.  I am a maniac as you said.  But when you have to kill cancer you don’t use chamomile tea and sugar.  You use radiation and deadly poison.  Think of me as chemotherapy.  And if I fail the patient dies.  The country dies.  So cut me some slack will you?

VPP – Sorry Mr. President, I guess I lost my nerve.

PT – No were right.  This is no country for old men.  But there are some perks too.

VPP – What do you mean?

PT – Well I had Sessions look into some kind of small win for our side, something to cheer you up.  He found some more dirt on McCabe and we got him to turn on some of his old buddies at the Bureau.  That may be what I need to get Mueller to call it quits.

VPP – Very rational and measured it sounds to me.  Good work Mr. President.

PT – Yeah, and he’s agreed to appear in a dunk tank on tv and let the All Star pitching staff dunk him up to ten times in jalapeno sauce dressed in a speedo with the words I’m a ratfink liar stenciled on his chest.

VPP – Well it’s a start.

Trump vs the Diamond and Silk Embargo

Dramatis Personae:  President Trump – (PT); Jeff Sessions (JS); Mark Zuckerberg (MZ); Larry Page – (LP); Lynnette “Diamond” Hardaway – (LDH);  Rochelle “Silk” Richardson – (RSR);

 

Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Monday 8 am.  Inside the Oval Office President Trump is at his desk and his receptionist is speaking over the intercom

PT – What is it Patty, you know I don’t like to be disturbed while reading Orion’s Cold Fire at breakfast.  I find his blend of good natured Trump ribbing and incisive political analysis is just the thing to start my day off great.

(voice over intercom) – I’m sorry Mr. President but I’ve got Diamond and Silk on the line and they’re very upset.

PT – Put them through Patty, I’ll set this straight right now.

LDH – Are you there President Donald Trump?

PT – I am Diamond.

RSR – Hello President Donald Trump.

PT – Hello Silk.  It is so good to hear from both of you.

LDH – Well we wish it was a happier occasion Mr. President but we are calling to ask for your help.

PT – What has gotten you two upset?

RSR – Mr. President, it’s that Facebook nerd, that Zuckerberg.  He’s rippin us off.

LDH – Yeah, he shut down our site.  And that other weasel Larry Page from Google shut down our YouTubes on “The Viewers View.”  We are losing substantial coin.

PT – Diamond and Silk, this is an outrage.  Why would they do this?

RSR – They said that we are “Unsafe to Community” and that the shutdown is irrevocable.

LDH – Mr. President we know they are doing this to get at you.  Please help us.

PT – Diamond and Silk, do not worry.  This outrage will not stand.

RSR – Thank you Mr. President, you truly are the greatest President.

PT – Yes, Silk I truly am.  Now, I’ll be in touch with news very soon.  And don’t worry.  The full power of the United States government and all its employees will be working on nothing else but this problem until it is solved.

LDH & RSR – Thanks you President Trump. (hang up).

PT – (President Trump hits a button on his phone and starts to talk) – Sessions get up here right now.  And don’t give me any of that crap about cleaning out the FBI.  A snail would cover more ground than you have.

 

Scene 2 – Later that same day.  White House audio-visual studio.  President Trump is standing in front of two teleconferencing screens with images of Mark Zuckerberg and Larry Page visible.  Jeff Sessions standing to the side.

PT – Zuckerberg, Page, I want to know why you two idiots are harassing those two women.  Surely you internet geniuses have better things to do than persecute a couple of African American sisters from North Carolina.

MZ – Donald, the suspension is irrevocable.  An algorithm made the decision and as you know computers are never wrong. (disappears from the screen)

LP – Donald, the kind of hate speech that they employ is too hurtful to ever appear on YouTube.  We cannot be swayed.  Have a googley good day. (also breaks the connection).

PT – (mumbling under his breath) Donald, huh.

JS – How would you like to proceed Mr. President.

PT – Get the warrants and set up the live stream for 8pm tonight.

 

Scene 3 – 8pm that night.  White House audio-visual studio.  President Trump is sitting behind a desk.  Television equipment is set up.

PT – Hello everyone on the World Wide Web I interrupt your porn viewing for a very important message.  Earlier this evening agents of the Justice Department, the honest ones that is, under a court order shut down Facebook, Twitter and Google.  An investigation concluded that they were in violation of anti-discrimination against women and African Americans.  Of course, they were also discriminating against millions of straight white men too but, of course, that’s legal.

After signing off on a consent decree these companies will be re-opened.  And to make sure things don’t get off on the wrong foot I’ve had the Justice Department make some changes to their Boards of Directors. I’ve reduced their other members and added Diamond, Silk and James Damore to each of the boards.  We anticipate no more problems going forward.  Okay, that’s all.  You can go back to your porn you losers.

 

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 2)

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 1)

 

Dramatis Personae:  President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP);

Scene 1: Trump Tower, Executive Suite.  Monday 1pm.  President Trump and Vice President Pence face to face around a small round office table.  The table is littered with coffee cups and crumpled legal paper.

PT – Also no good?  Alright, how about this one?  Ten years ago, Putin knew that I was destined to be President.  So, in order to destroy me he drugged me with Spanish fly and brainwashed me into sleeping with Stormy Daniels.  It makes sense, right?  It’s some form of Russian collusion and in a way my brain which is like a computer was hacked by Putin.

VPP – Stop!  Enough!  I’m sorry Mr. President but that’s enough.  I can’t listen to even one more of these insane lies.  I know you’re desperate but there isn’t one chance in a trillion that anyone, and I mean anyone would believe any of those stories.

PT – But then what can I do?

VPP – I know it’s a little late in the game but have you thought of the truth and an apology?

PT – Mike, that’s a brilliant idea.  Why didn’t I think of that?  Anyway, I’m going home right now and put your brilliant strategy into effect.  Who knows?  If this goes well I might even start telling the truth to Congress.

VPP – Mr. President, please take some time before you speak to her and try to understand her feelings about what you will be telling her.  This will be a devastating conversation and you must be sensitive to her emotions and let her sense your sadness and contrition.

PT- Look Mike you came up with a good idea but don’t get all Dr. Phil on me.  I think I know a thing or two about the ladies if you know what I mean.  I’ll pour on the Trump charm and prove just how large my hands really are if you catch my drift.  See ya Mike.  (exits the room.)

VPP – Great Caesar’s Ghost.  She’s going to murder him.

 

Scene 2 – Tuesday morning 3am outside the Vice Presidential Residence.  Two men supporting a third man between them.  The third man shakily ringing the doorbell.

VPP – (voice speaking over the intercom)  Is that you Mr. President?

PT – Help me Mike.  Please help me.

VPP – I’m buzzing you in. (the lock buzzes open).

 

Scene 3 – The Vice-Presidential Parlor.  President Trump is slumped back on a chaise longue.  He has several small bandages over cuts on his face, a noticeable black eye and a bag of ice sitting on his groin.  The Secret Service agents appear embarrassed and Vice President Pence is standing nervously fiddling with his robe belt looking down on the President.

PT – You set me up Mike.  I went into the lion’s den like some kind of roman martyr.  I told her the truth and told her Stormy was over-rated as far as the sex went and that I’d make it up to her in the sack and that she didn’t look bad at all for her age.

VPP – Oh good grief.

PT – You have no idea.  She went for the family jewels again so I curled up in a fetal position like they tell you to do with bears.  But she was ready for that.  She worked the face and and kidneys.  She must have studied MMA or jiu-jitsu at some point.  It took six Secret Service agents to get me out of there alive and two of them are at Walter Reed.  One of them probably isn’t going to pull through.

VPP – Mr. President, I’m sure you’re exaggerating.

PT – Have you ever known me to exaggerate?

VPP – Never mind.  How would you like me to help you?

PT – Well after that lousy advice I need you to redeem yourself and come up with an idea to fix this mess you’ve gotten me into.

VPP – (some strangled muffled sounds come from the Vice President’s throat and then there is quiet).  Certainly Mr. President.  I’ll attempt to provide you with better advice.  Is there anything else I can do for you this morning?

PT – Yeah Mike.  Can you get Mrs. Pence to make us some more eggs?  This experience has been extremely taxing.

(more strangled sounds come from Pence and he leaves).

PT – He’s a great guy when he’s on his game.  Alright guys help me into the dining room.

The Promethean – A Science Fiction Book Review

I previously read Owen Stanley’s novel “The Missionaries.”  That was a satire about primitive people running up against the insanity of United Nations social engineering.  Because I enjoyed his writing I figured I’d give “The Promethean” a whirl.  This book takes place in the same world as “The Missionaries” but since the subject involves humanoid robots and human-level artificial intelligence I’ve slightly stretched the definition by including it in science fiction.  But it also could be called a social satire or a social comedy.

The title is an echo of the full title of Mary Shelley’s novel “Frankenstein; or the Modern Prometheus.”  In our case Dr. Frankenstein is represented by Harry Hockenheimer, a depressed American billionaire approaching forty and feeling like a failure.  The mundane source of his vast wealth left him scientifically unfulfilled.  He desired to create a scientific marvel and what he decides on is a robot so advanced in mind and body that it can fool all even the most intelligent audience.

The story proceeds from his plan to secretly build his man in England to the adventures of his creation, Frank Meadows interacting with modern British society in its various facets, from a small town pub, to appearing on a day time reality television show, to a University faculty dinner, and finally to an invitation at 10 Downing Street.

Along the way we meet several interesting characters who represent various facets of society and various philosophical bents including the scourge of our age, the Social Justice Warriors.  But from my point of view, the most interesting character is a Scotsman academic, Dr. Habakkuk McWrath, Reader in Extreme Celtic Studies.  His pugnacious and colorful speech inspires Frank to assert his humanity even in the face of the Three Laws of Robotics.

And the book concludes at its absurd climax.  And what is the lesson of this social satire?  I really don’t know.  Perhaps it is just that humanity has reached a point where a rational appraisal of modern life can no longer find a reason to continue.  The absurdity of what we do and why we do it has finally reached a point where scrapping the whole enterprise and starting over is the best way forward.  But that is just my guess.  Let’s just say it is a tale questioning the definition of intelligent life.  It’s a moderate length story, about 170 pages and moves right along.  I liked it but I will caution that it is a mild tale and cannot be mistaken for an adventure story.  More of a droll cautionary tale of the world we now inhabit.

 

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 3

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 2

 

Scene 1: Thursday, 1145 hours USS Ronald Reagan flight deck,  On a raised platform is President Trump (PT), at the microphone, behind him on chairs are various government and military dignitaries and some celebrities and foreign leaders that appear to have been snatched away from their lives without notice.

PT – Okay people it’s time.  In a few minutes the greatest battle ever fought will begin and we will vanquish the evil ugly and reputedly smelly enemy or we will die.  Now I’m not talking about Hillary.  She’s already taken care.  In fact, she’s still bobbing around behind us.  I think she’s still trying to catch up to us but it’s not going to happen, it’s too late.  She’s too low energy.  Forget her.

No, I’m talking about the space aliens.  Have you seen these things?  Sure, they’re not as uncoordinated as Hillary but even she doesn’t smell as bad as these things.  I mean really, it’s awful.  So even if we didn’t have a beef with these guys wanting to steal our planet we still would want to get rid of them because of that smell.  And wouldn’t you know? What are they?  That’s right, illegal aliens.  They’re breaking our laws by being here.  And the aliens aren’t sending us their best probably.  They’re probably criminals without valuable skills.  I mean sure they know about interstellar travel but who needs that?  What’s there?  Probably just more smelly aliens and bad food and food poisoning like Montezuma’s Revenge.  And what do they want?  They want our jobs and to live off of welfare.  Also, they want to blow up all our cities.  Now a lot of those cities didn’t vote for me.  In fact, if there were no more large cities I’d win every election and we’d have enormous majorities in both House and Senate and I’d be able to make all kinds of good changes and we’d get amendments to the Constitution that would be fantastic.  But there wouldn’t be anymore Trump Tower or the Mets or Yankees so there is that.  Well anyway they want to blow up the cities and they want to take all our minerals and water.  So, we’re gonna have to whack all of them.

Now you may say how is Trump gonna do that?  How can he destroy star ships with force fields and giant lasers and antigravity?  Well I can.  I’ve got Elon Musk and he’s got tantalum which is a real thing and he’s figured out what will destroy these alien losers.  Now Musk is not my favorite nerd because he’s all about global warming and electric cars and other stupid things that don’t work.  But that’s because he was getting paid off by Obama who also isn’t my favorite but who I’ve sent to talk to the smelly aliens.  Anyway, I got Thiel who is my favorite geek to talk to Musk and I told him I’d let him wet his beak with whatever we get from the alien ships.  So, he got his nerd factory cranking on Ritalin and they came up with this tantalum thing which is a real thing and not a hoax. But if it is a hoax I’ll tie him to a missile and use his big fat head to knock a hole in the alien ship.  But that won’t be necessary because he knows where his bread is buttered.  So, the plan is in place and now all of you servicemen are going to get to work.  And maybe even some of you servicewomen if you actually know what you’re doing which I doubt.  But just stay out of the guys’ way and maybe make some sandwiches or something and some good strong coffee which always helps in cases like this.  I like pastrami if it’s lean and you have good brown mustard.  But I don’t suppose there’s good deli on this floating airport.  Well anyway, the important thing is we’ve got a big job to do and we’d better get to it.  But remember when you’re working with the missiles and the jets and the boat engines that you’re part of something great.  Because you’re working for me.  That’s right.  Even though you work for a sergeant or a general or an admiral, remember they work for me.  I’m the Commander-in-Chief of all of you.  I sign your check and I make sure you have the bombs you need and the food you eat.  Hillary wouldn’t have given you bombs and food.  She didn’t like the military because she doesn’t like men.  It’s like Rosie O’Donnell only Bill’s Hillary’s beard.  And you don’t work for the Congress.  They can’t even get out of their own way to get the budget done every year.  I mean, Little Marco, Captured McCain, Fauxcahantas, Cryin’ Chuck and Lyin’ Ted?  Give me a break.  And how about JEB!  He couldn’t even deal with human aliens.  He’d probably marry one of these things just to show how fair he is.  And forget about the rest of the world.  Right now, the Europeans and the Russians and Chinese and the rest of those foreigners are getting their clocks cleaned by these goons.  I’m going to take care of this problem for the whole world.  But they won’t even reimburse me for the costs.  I mean, I bet this tantalum stuff ain’t cheap and I know Musk is gonna charge top dollar.  But you have to pay for good help so I’ll fork it over.  It’s a good deal.  So anyway, remember this is about making America great and also keeping it from being blown up.  But don’t think there will be any United Nations rodeo clowns in blue helmets helping us out.  There won’t be and I wouldn’t want them if they offered.  Americans get the job done on their own.  Period.  So, remember that and do a good job and you’ll be able to say you helped Trump win this war.

And one last thing, any hope that a cease fire would occur is gone.  A message from the ship announced that Gore and Obama, after reviewing the aliens environmental record, decided to throw in with the aliens.  Well both of those guys smelled funny to begin with so that’s probably for the best

So remember, this is a fight to the death so don’t hesitate.  Give it everything you’ve got.  And I promise when we win, each and every one of you, even you ladies, will receive a very nice gift package including Trump steaks, Trump knives and a very nice picture of me with a beautiful facsimile signature that is just as good as though I actually signed it.  Trump out.

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 2

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 1

 

Scene 1: Bridge of the Aircraft Carrier USS Ronald Reagan positioned off shore from Washington DC.  Thursday 8AM EST.  In attendance Admiral Harmon (AH), officers and crew of the USSRR, President Trump (PT), Secretary Mattis (SM), Elon Musk (EM), General Adam Baldwin (GAD), Al Gore (AG), Hillary Clinton (HC), Barack Obama (BO)

 

PT – Okay Steve, we’ve got everyone here we’ll need.  Start the exposition.

SM – Mr. President, we’ll start with an update by General Baldwin on the current status of the ships above our cities.  Then Mr. Musk will review the status of his team’s scientific results.  Finally, former President Obama will speak as representative for the “Resistance,” whatever that means.

PT – Okay General, what can you tell us?

GAD – Mr. President, Gentlemen and Madame Secretary… (interrupted by Hillary)

HC – Stop right there you militaristic sexist Neanderthal.  It’s not Madame Secretary anymore it’s Mix Secretary.  Join the 21st century you deplorable despicable … (Trump interrupts)

PT – General, wait a second.  Admiral, have two seamen escort Hillary off the bridge and throw her over the side.

AH – Literally?

SM – Better hurry Harmon or you’ll be next.

AH – Yes, sir.

HC – You can’t do this!  I should be President!  I had more popular vote!  He’s not qualified!  He’s not the future, he’s the past… (voice receding into the distance as she’s dragged away).

PT – Barack, Al, any problems?

AG – Right there with you.

BO – She’s not who we are.

PT – Good.  Baldwin, continue.

GAD – As of this morning 0945 hours EST the three ships located over the continental United States have moved into position over New York City, Washington D.C. and Los Angeles.  Based on the decaying signal currently bouncing through our satellites we believe they will deploy their primary offensive weapons at 1200 hours EST.  Some cruise missile tests we performed earlier confirm that these ships are completely protected by a force field that protects them from all projectile weapons such as conventional explosives.  Unfortunately, we have also determined that this shield is effective against energy weapons such as lasers or even nuclear devices.  Essentially, nothing in the American military arsenal will have any effect on these ships.  The best we can do is hide our weapons assets to delay their destruction by the small fighter ships housed in the main vessels when they are unleashed.

PT – Sucks to be us.  Any comments?

AG – Mr. President, I suggest we send a negotiation team to the local ship here over D.C. and hammer out a deal to avert this looming catastrophe.  And because we are ideally suited to see all sides of a problem, that is why myself, President Obama, I mean former President Obama and Madame Secretary Clinton, I mean the assumed late Mix Secretary Clinton joined this meeting.  We feel that our well-known empathy for aliens of all sort will allow us to prevent this crisis from ending in bloodshed or the shedding of whatever vital fluid our extragalactic visitors possess.

PT – Wow, that’s a lot of corrections.  Does Gore speak for you on this Barry?

BO – I prefer to be addressed as Nobel Peace Prize Winning Light Worker Barack Hussein Obama, Donald.

PT – I’ll bet you do but you didn’t answer the question.

BO – Maybe not how I would have said it but essentially.

PT – Good, I want you two to contact the aliens and see what you can do before we let the bright boys loose on them.

AG – You aren’t going with us?

PT – Do I look crazy?  Look no one is forcing you to go there.  If I were you, I’d see if you can negotiate at a distance but if you enter that ship you only have until noon to broker some kind of truce.  After that we’re going to war.

BO – Don’t worry we’ll be finished well before that point.

PT – Good.  General Baldwin, have your flight crew outfit our ambassadors with flight suits and prepare them for their mission.

GAD – Yes sir.  This way gentlemen.  (Gore and Obama exit the bridge).

PT – Good.  Now that those two yahoos are out of earshot Musk, fill us in on what you’ve cooked up.

EM – Mr. President, my team has worked out the physics behind the shield device and we’ve developed a counter measure.

PT – You mean you can turn it off to allow us to attack?

EM – No.  Let me give you the specifics.  The shield works by absorbing the energy of anything that impinges on the ship being protected.  During the time the energy is being absorbed, the impacted area is opaque to the shield sensors.  The ship cannot detect a second attack occurring there for at least ten seconds.  During this time the shield is still immune to energy weapons even nukes because it’s still able to absorb energy but it is vulnerable to projectile weapons to the extent that material can reach the hull.  Now the hull is incredibly strong.  It’s literally 100 feet thick and made of hardened alloy, basically proof to projectiles of any type we could muster.  But if within that ten second we can hit this opaque spot with a projectile composed of tantalum we will form a coated spot on the hull that will block the action of the shield in that area.  We assume that after the initial energy has been absorbed the shield sensors will spot the dead spot on the hull and repair systems will scrape the tantalum away rather quickly.  We approximate the time to remove the tantalum as fifteen minutes.  But during that time, we have a spot on the hull that will succumb to a nuclear blast.  So, the sequence needed is:

  • Time Zero – Initial high explosives detonation
  • 1 – 9 seconds – Tantalum projectile impact
  • 1 minute – 10 minutes – 1 megaton thermonuclear device

Any questions?

PT – Yeah, Poindexter.  Is tantalum something you made up like unobtainium or does it exist.

EM – No Mr. President. It’s a relatively common material.  There’s probably a good amount of it in your cell phone in the form of a capacitor.  It’s a refractory metal with a high melting point and chemical corrosion resistance that resembles that of glass.

PT – Yes we’re all really happy about the wonderful qualities of tantalum but what I want to know is if you’ve got any we can shoot at ET today?

EM – What kind of wunderkind would I be if I didn’t?

PT – Oh Lord give me strength.  Fine, just provide the Air Force with the details of how to incorporate your tantalum slug into our cruise missiles.  And make sure the programming of the sequence is perfect on this first one or all of us are going to wish we were somewhere else really soon after.  And hurry we have about an hour.  Mattis, has the negotiating team been blown up yet?

SM – No sir.  Their helicopter was permitted entry into the ship.

PT – Were any service member aboard?

SM – No sir.  It was remotely piloted.  We kind of like our people to live.

PT – Oh good.  Any communication back from Gore and Obama?

SM – None sir.

PT – Alright forget ‘em. We’re out of time.  Admiral, if you’ve got a chaplain that carries a King James Version have him meet me on the top deck.

AH – Yes Mr. President.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 3

Trump vs Justice Kennedy

Scene 1: White House, West Wing

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike!  Where the hell are you Pence?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – I’m right here (under his breath) as always.

PT – Good.  Look Mike I need to talk to Kennedy.

VPP – Supreme Court Justice Kennedy?

PT – Well obviously I don’t mean dead Teddy.  Yeah, Justice Kennedy.  I need to advance my agenda and since Congress is hopeless, a new SCOTUS appointment feels like the right thing.  Summon him to my office and make it snappy.

VPP – Mr. President, you can’t summon a supreme court justice, no one can.

PT – Well then ask him to lunch at the White House.

VPP – Certainly, when would you like to meet with him?

PT – Today.

VPP – But suppose he’s already scheduled for a meeting or a case?

PT – Pence, come on man!  Show me something here.  I’m starting to think I should have replaced you with Lying Ted.  Alright, have it your way.  Ask him when he can come.

VPP – What should I tell him is the subject of the meeting?

PT – Pastrami and corned beef.

VPP – What?

PT – We will be discussing the finer points of New York Deli sandwiches.  That should get him.

VPP – Yes Mr. President.

 

Scene 2: Two Weeks Later, White House Dining Room

PT – Well Tony, do you want anymore sauerkraut on that plate or maybe the potato salad.

Justice Kennedy (JK) – No thank you Mr. President.  I couldn’t eat another thing.

PT – Please Tony call me Don.  All my friends do.  Well, except the ones I don’t like.

JK – Okay Donnie.

PT – Just Don.  Let’s keep things friendly here.

JK – Sure Don, sure.

PT – Okay.  So, you’re probably wondering why I called you in for this meeting.  I mean in addition to the salted cured meats.

JK – Can I guess it has something to do with my retirement?

PT – Bingo.  See you’re a smart guy.  You know what’s what.

JK – Well Don, I hope you’re not going to try to convince me to retire before I’m ready.

PT – Nonsense, I would never try to force anyone to do anything he wasn’t ready to.

JK – Good Don, because it would just spoil our friendship.

PT – Right, right, sure.  Say I was just wondering do you do much golfing?

JK – No Don, I don’t.  I’m more of a yoga kind of guy.

PT – Oh yoga, sure, sure of course, very, um, interesting.

JK – I like that and modern expressionistic dance.

PT – …, hmm  …  dance you say.

JK – Yes it’s one of my great passions.

PT – You a married man, Tony?

JK – Don, I’ve been married to the same wonderful woman for more than fifty years.

PT – So, Tony does your wife share your … passion for dance.

JK – Oh, far from it.  She thinks it’s a silly thing for a man to do.  She’s very old fashioned that way.  Not a free spirit like me, Don.

PT – Yeah, I’m starting to get the picture.  So, Tony, I was wondering if you know that Trump Resorts for Retirees includes several very prestigious locales that you might find … interesting.

JK – Where for instance?

PT – Well, South Beach, Provincetown, Fire Island.

JK – Those are all gay havens.

PT – Are they?  I didn’t know.

JK – Of course you do.  What are you implying?

PT – I’m not implying anything.

JK – You think I’m gay!  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

PT – Of course not, it’s nobody’s business whether you’re gay or bi.

JK – I’m not bi!

PT – Tony, calm down.  No one’s saying you’re gay or bi or anything for that matter.  I’m just wondering.

JK – Well, stop wondering.  I’m 100% straight.  Not that there would be anything wrong if I weren’t.

PT – Of course not.  Well I’m glad we got that straightened out.

JK – Right.

PT – So, Tony, you may not be aware but several of Trump Resorts properties have clothing optional sunbathing.

JK – Really?  That seems very strange.  Which ones?

PT – Oh, let me check this brochure.  Well, by a strange coincidence, South Beach, Provincetown and Fire Island.

JK – Okay, I’m outta here.

PT – But Tony, I wasn’t implying anything.

JK – And that’s another thing stop calling me Tony, Mr President.

PT – If you insist Tony.

JK – And for your information I intend to serve on the bench until I’m one hundred and eleven!  Good day!  (leaves in a huff).

PT – …hmmm…   (speaking into an intercom) Mike summon Justice Booth Gator Beanbag or whatever her name is for lunch tomorrow.

 

Since my readers don’t always stop by every day I figured I’d paste this poll on each post for a while to see what folks call themselves.  This is the post the poll came from  Who Are We?

… And that got me thinking. Who are the people who read my blog?  I thought it might be fun to see what the cross-section looked like.  If you feel like saying what you believe in, feel free to leave a comment and/or pick a label from the poll below.  I think it might be interesting.

 

Coming Soon
Total Votes : 54

Trump vs A Madison Avenue Bus Ride

Scene 1: Outside Trump Tower, Corner of 57th and Madison, around sunset

Narrator – Picture if you can a man who has great wealth, a beautiful wife and family and the most powerful job in the world.  You might think he hadn’t a care in the world.  And you would be wrong.  This is the story of a man who needs good advice and there isn’t a soul in the world he can talk to.  But maybe there’s one in the Twilight Zone (fair parody usage, really!)

President Trump (PT) – Joe, what if I just take a stroll down to the corner and back?  I haven’t been in Manhattan in months.  What would be the harm?

Secret Service Agent (SSA) – I’m sorry Mr. President.  That’s impossible.  You shouldn’t even be standing this close to the street.  The car is still half a block away.  (touching his ear and talking to his lapel)  Hey, Bravo 12 who let that old bus onto Madison.  It’s pulling up to the curb.

PT – Joe, I’ll be right back.  See ya later.  (Runs into the open door of the old city bus).

SSA – All units, blockade bus heading north on Madison.  POTUS has been abducted.  (voice over radio in his ear, “Joe, what bus?  There’s nothing there.)

Scene 2: Inside bus.  PT standing next to the driver in the front of the bus.

Bus Driver (BD) – Okay pal, that’ll be fifteen cents fare.

PT – Do you have change for a hundred.

BD – What are you a weisenheimer?

PT – I wasn’t expecting to need change.  How come the fare is so low?

BD – Oh, it’s too low.  Listen to Rockefeller over here.  Look buddy either pay up or get off.

PT – I got it, I got it.  Calm down.

BD – Good.  Now sit down you’re making me nervous.

PT – Is this bus going past St Patrick’s Cathedral?

BD – Boy you are turned around.  We’re going north.  If you stay on after the turn around at 96th you can get there in another 20 minutes.

PT – Okay, thanks.

BD – So why ya heading to church?  It’s Thursday.  Somebody sick.

PT – I need some guidance.

BD – Yeah, don’t we all.  You look like an Episcopalian.  Why St Patrick’s?

PT – I’m friends with the Cardinal.

BD – Who are you supposed to be?  The Mayor?

PT – I’m the President of the United States.

BD – Hey pal.  This bus is going down Madison.  It won’t be passing Bellvue.  You may be going bald but you’re certainly not Ike.

PT – Who says I’m going bald.  This is my own hair.  Ike?

BD – Sure, whatever, we get all kinds of nuts on this line.

PT – So what kind of nostalgia service uses these old buses?  Is it a tourist company?

BD – Old?  This is a brand-new model.  It’s a 1956.  General Motors latest.

PT – 1956? What have you been smoking?

BD – Camels filterless.  Why, you want one?

PT – On a bus?  Oh never mind, keep up the act.  I guess it’s part of the tour.

BD – (under his breath) Some kind of nut.

PT – Street seems really quiet.  No traffic.

BD – It’s after 6 pm.  Rush-hour’s over.  Town’s empty.  Not much going on Thursday night.

PT – (under his breath) Some kind of nut.

BD – So, what’s this trouble you need help with, if you don’t mind me asking?  Bus drivers are like priests and bartenders.  Everyone tells them their troubles.  Maybe I’ve heard it before.

PT – Well I have these big ideas but everyone is against me and even my friends and wife are always giving me grief.

BD – Tell me about it.  Whenever I tell Alice about one of my great money making ideas she gives me that look and starts telling me why it’ll fail.  And talking to Norton, that’s my friend upstairs, is like talking to a wall.  He’s as thick as a brick.

PT – Yeah, it’s just like that.  Melania is always telling me how great it was when we lived in Manhattan and how come we can’t go back.  And Mike Pence is no help at all.  All he ever says is “work with Ryan, work with Ryan.”  Ha.  Might as well be talking to a wall.

BD – Boy, don’t I know that feeling.  It’s, “when are we getting out of Bensonhurst?” and “why can’t we buy a new refrigerator?”  She thinks I’m made of money.  Not that I don’t do okay but how much can you buy on $62 a week?

PT – Boy I really am gonna have to stimulate the economy.  It really is a third world job market out there.

BD – Huh?

PT – You seem pretty sharp.  What would you say is the biggest problem facing the world right now?

BD – The Commie newspaper guys at the Times.

PT – Yeah I agree.  Them and CNN.

BD – C and N?

PT – Yeah, that Acosta guy is brutal.  I’ve blocked him on Twitter.

BD – Huh?

PT – Let’s not go over it again.  I’m tired of that guy all together.  So, what’s the answer?  What should I do?

BD – A very wise man once told me not to listen to the naysayers.  Just don’t give up.  Give it all you’ve got and reach for that high note.

PT – That’s pretty good advice.  Never mind the church.  Look we’re back at Trump Tower.  Drop me off here.

BD – Okay here you go.  Which Tower did you say?

PT – Trump.  And thanks for the advice.  You’re the smartest nut I’ve ever talked to.

BD – Likewise pal.  And give my regards to Mamie.  Har-har-hardy-har-har.  (under his breath) What a nut!  Wait’ll I tell Norton.

PT – Mamie?  Gee what a nut.  Wait’ll I tell Melania.

SSA – Mr. President, are you alright?

PT – Couldn’t be better Joe.

SSA – That old bus is gone again.  Where did it go?

PT – To a different place.  And I hope he gets there alright.

SSA – (under his breath)  I’ve gotta get a new gig.

Narrator- An hallucination or a midtown apparition from a simpler time?  Either way, life’s no Honeymoon here in the Twilight Zone.

Camera Girl is Buying Goats

I think it is a sign of the coming apocalypse that suburban residents think they need to have farm animals on their property.  And women are entirely impractical about pets.

Now, coming from an individual who in the past has kept four of the six giant snake species in a Brooklyn apartment this might sound slightly self-serving and hypocritical.  In fact, it probably is.  But everybody always says a boy needs his hobbies.  No one ever says a girl needs her hobbies.  QED.

But I maintain that I am a reformed former animal horder.  For this reason, I feel that I have the right to pronounce judgement against this misguided practice.

Going through the various animal keeping proclivities of our marriage, it is obvious that eventually we would branch out from indoor menageries and end up in the barnyard.  And after the fiasco of the Great Quail Fail of 2017 (as it came to be known) it was inevitable that Camera Girl would want revenge.  But my actual problem with the new animal introduction is practical.  The winters in New England can be brutally cold and snow filled.  It occurs to me that during some prodigious snow fall when the goat enclosure is engulfed by some absurd 50” snow fall that I will be called upon at some god-awful hour to go out and clear a space for the goats to allow them to get at their food and water.  And based on my memory of Lovecraft’s description of Shub-Niggurath, (“The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young”), I believe there is a better than even chance that the critters will take advantage of my proximity and vulnerability to stage some kind of satanic attack upon my person.

Alright, I don’t really think it will be satanic.  But goats are jerks and they will probably butt me with their stupid horns and that will probably really hurt.  So, there’s that.  Plus, I’ll have to clean out their pen because let’s face it, men always get stuck with the crappy jobs.  So that’s why I hate the goats.  But Camera Girl does feed me and stuff so I guess it’s still a good deal.  I guess.

But have you ever looked at goats.  They’ve got those weird eyes that are really weird and maybe they are satanic.  And they’re gonna eat everything they can get their teeth into so they’ll turn their pen into the Plain of Gorgorath where nothing can survive.  Plus, I’ll bet the pen will be under constant assault by the local coyote pack and they’ll be howling every night and I’ll probably have to defend the stupid goats as if I actually wanted them to survive.  It’ll be like that scene in Whisperer in the Darkness where the old guy is defending his compound from the giant fungus lobsters with his rifle and german shepherds.  Except that german shepherds are actually useful and goats aren’t.  And I don’t have a rifle.  And coyotes aren’t lobsters.  But it was in New England.

I feel that the only hope is if biological science makes rapid advances in genetic engineering.  If genetically modified goats that only grow to the size of crickets could be commercially available then my problem would be solved.  I could set up a pen for them in the kitchen junk drawer and they would be a very small problem to take care of.  So that’s what I’m banking on at this point.  The goats are supposed to arrive a week from Saturday so there’s still time.  I know it’s a long shot but my luck’s got to change some day.  Maybe this will be it.  So, come on you genetic researchers, stop being so selfish and put aside all this cancer jazz for a minute, and solve a really urgent need, the world’s cricket-sized goat shortage.  What color ribbon is still available for the cause?

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 5 – Trump Martel

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 4 -Augustus Trumpster

 

Scene1:  10th of October 732 A.D. – Plains surrounding Tours, Gaul

 

Trump Martel (TM) – Where is my oaf?  Oaf, oaf oaf!

Jeb Buisson (JEB!) – Here O Prince!

TM – Didn’t I tell you to polish my armor?  I have a 4:30 appointment in Tours defeating Islamic extremists and I want to look my best.

JEB! – I’ve been working as fast as I can but I’m not finished yet.

TM – Oh never mind.  You’re too low energy for that.  Go and take a nap.  That way no actual fighters will end up tripping over your gutted corpse.

JEB! – Thank you sire.

TM – Alright Michel Pencius, assemble my fans, I mean my troops, over there and I’ll address them from this big rock over here.

Michel Pencius (MP) – Yes my lord Trump.

TM – Gather round men.  I have a lot to say and not much time to say it in.  In a few hours about sixty thousand Islamic extremists are gonna come pouring over those hills and unless we put a whole world of hurt on them you are all gonna be eating shish kebab from now on.  That’s right.  No more croissants, no more white sauce and definitely no more wine.  So definitely put on your big boy breeches and don’t stop until the fat lady sings.  And by the way that fat lady is Hilarius Cintoninus.  She is a hideous banshee that has lead the Arabs through the Pyrenees and promised them my head if they attacked Tours today.

Now maybe you’re thinking we can’t beat sixty thousand arabs.  Maybe you think the odds are too high.  Well just relax.  The don’t call me Trump Martel, Trump the Hammer because of anatomical reasons, although if you notice my fingers are plenty big, nothing wrong in that department, everything very, very, good and big.  They call me the hammer because I will hammer those buggers right into the ground.  After this battle, we will be the most powerful force in Europe and we will go on to lay the foundations for the Holy Roman Trumpire which my grandson Trumplemagne will build.  And when I say he will build it I’m not kidding.  It will be one big beautiful and long-lasting Trumpire.  But anyway, if you follow me into battle we will win and keep on winning.  We’ll win so much you may get tired of winning.  You may say, “Enough, it’s too much winning!”

And in conclusion, every man that follows me today will get ten royal arpents of land around Paris and a dozen sheep.  Or if you prefer there is a special package of Trump cufflinks and steak knives available at Le Macy’s down at the mall.  Follow me, men, into victory and glory.  But don’t tailgate.  I hate that.

Troops – Le Trump, Le Trump, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

TM – Yes, you love me.  Of course, you do.  How could you not?  I am the greatest Frank of all time.  Even greater than Sinatra, who was very great.