Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 3

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 2

 

Scene 1: Thursday, 1145 hours USS Ronald Reagan flight deck,  On a raised platform is President Trump (PT), at the microphone, behind him on chairs are various government and military dignitaries and some celebrities and foreign leaders that appear to have been snatched away from their lives without notice.

PT – Okay people it’s time.  In a few minutes the greatest battle ever fought will begin and we will vanquish the evil ugly and reputedly smelly enemy or we will die.  Now I’m not talking about Hillary.  She’s already taken care.  In fact, she’s still bobbing around behind us.  I think she’s still trying to catch up to us but it’s not going to happen, it’s too late.  She’s too low energy.  Forget her.

No, I’m talking about the space aliens.  Have you seen these things?  Sure, they’re not as uncoordinated as Hillary but even she doesn’t smell as bad as these things.  I mean really, it’s awful.  So even if we didn’t have a beef with these guys wanting to steal our planet we still would want to get rid of them because of that smell.  And wouldn’t you know? What are they?  That’s right, illegal aliens.  They’re breaking our laws by being here.  And the aliens aren’t sending us their best probably.  They’re probably criminals without valuable skills.  I mean sure they know about interstellar travel but who needs that?  What’s there?  Probably just more smelly aliens and bad food and food poisoning like Montezuma’s Revenge.  And what do they want?  They want our jobs and to live off of welfare.  Also, they want to blow up all our cities.  Now a lot of those cities didn’t vote for me.  In fact, if there were no more large cities I’d win every election and we’d have enormous majorities in both House and Senate and I’d be able to make all kinds of good changes and we’d get amendments to the Constitution that would be fantastic.  But there wouldn’t be anymore Trump Tower or the Mets or Yankees so there is that.  Well anyway they want to blow up the cities and they want to take all our minerals and water.  So, we’re gonna have to whack all of them.

Now you may say how is Trump gonna do that?  How can he destroy star ships with force fields and giant lasers and antigravity?  Well I can.  I’ve got Elon Musk and he’s got tantalum which is a real thing and he’s figured out what will destroy these alien losers.  Now Musk is not my favorite nerd because he’s all about global warming and electric cars and other stupid things that don’t work.  But that’s because he was getting paid off by Obama who also isn’t my favorite but who I’ve sent to talk to the smelly aliens.  Anyway, I got Thiel who is my favorite geek to talk to Musk and I told him I’d let him wet his beak with whatever we get from the alien ships.  So, he got his nerd factory cranking on Ritalin and they came up with this tantalum thing which is a real thing and not a hoax. But if it is a hoax I’ll tie him to a missile and use his big fat head to knock a hole in the alien ship.  But that won’t be necessary because he knows where his bread is buttered.  So, the plan is in place and now all of you servicemen are going to get to work.  And maybe even some of you servicewomen if you actually know what you’re doing which I doubt.  But just stay out of the guys’ way and maybe make some sandwiches or something and some good strong coffee which always helps in cases like this.  I like pastrami if it’s lean and you have good brown mustard.  But I don’t suppose there’s good deli on this floating airport.  Well anyway, the important thing is we’ve got a big job to do and we’d better get to it.  But remember when you’re working with the missiles and the jets and the boat engines that you’re part of something great.  Because you’re working for me.  That’s right.  Even though you work for a sergeant or a general or an admiral, remember they work for me.  I’m the Commander-in-Chief of all of you.  I sign your check and I make sure you have the bombs you need and the food you eat.  Hillary wouldn’t have given you bombs and food.  She didn’t like the military because she doesn’t like men.  It’s like Rosie O’Donnell only Bill’s Hillary’s beard.  And you don’t work for the Congress.  They can’t even get out of their own way to get the budget done every year.  I mean, Little Marco, Captured McCain, Fauxcahantas, Cryin’ Chuck and Lyin’ Ted?  Give me a break.  And how about JEB!  He couldn’t even deal with human aliens.  He’d probably marry one of these things just to show how fair he is.  And forget about the rest of the world.  Right now, the Europeans and the Russians and Chinese and the rest of those foreigners are getting their clocks cleaned by these goons.  I’m going to take care of this problem for the whole world.  But they won’t even reimburse me for the costs.  I mean, I bet this tantalum stuff ain’t cheap and I know Musk is gonna charge top dollar.  But you have to pay for good help so I’ll fork it over.  It’s a good deal.  So anyway, remember this is about making America great and also keeping it from being blown up.  But don’t think there will be any United Nations rodeo clowns in blue helmets helping us out.  There won’t be and I wouldn’t want them if they offered.  Americans get the job done on their own.  Period.  So, remember that and do a good job and you’ll be able to say you helped Trump win this war.

And one last thing, any hope that a cease fire would occur is gone.  A message from the ship announced that Gore and Obama, after reviewing the aliens environmental record, decided to throw in with the aliens.  Well both of those guys smelled funny to begin with so that’s probably for the best

So remember, this is a fight to the death so don’t hesitate.  Give it everything you’ve got.  And I promise when we win, each and every one of you, even you ladies, will receive a very nice gift package including Trump steaks, Trump knives and a very nice picture of me with a beautiful facsimile signature that is just as good as though I actually signed it.  Trump out.

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 2

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 1

 

Scene 1: Bridge of the Aircraft Carrier USS Ronald Reagan positioned off shore from Washington DC.  Thursday 8AM EST.  In attendance Admiral Harmon (AH), officers and crew of the USSRR, President Trump (PT), Secretary Mattis (SM), Elon Musk (EM), General Adam Baldwin (GAD), Al Gore (AG), Hillary Clinton (HC), Barack Obama (BO)

 

PT – Okay Steve, we’ve got everyone here we’ll need.  Start the exposition.

SM – Mr. President, we’ll start with an update by General Baldwin on the current status of the ships above our cities.  Then Mr. Musk will review the status of his team’s scientific results.  Finally, former President Obama will speak as representative for the “Resistance,” whatever that means.

PT – Okay General, what can you tell us?

GAD – Mr. President, Gentlemen and Madame Secretary… (interrupted by Hillary)

HC – Stop right there you militaristic sexist Neanderthal.  It’s not Madame Secretary anymore it’s Mix Secretary.  Join the 21st century you deplorable despicable … (Trump interrupts)

PT – General, wait a second.  Admiral, have two seamen escort Hillary off the bridge and throw her over the side.

AH – Literally?

SM – Better hurry Harmon or you’ll be next.

AH – Yes, sir.

HC – You can’t do this!  I should be President!  I had more popular vote!  He’s not qualified!  He’s not the future, he’s the past… (voice receding into the distance as she’s dragged away).

PT – Barack, Al, any problems?

AG – Right there with you.

BO – She’s not who we are.

PT – Good.  Baldwin, continue.

GAD – As of this morning 0945 hours EST the three ships located over the continental United States have moved into position over New York City, Washington D.C. and Los Angeles.  Based on the decaying signal currently bouncing through our satellites we believe they will deploy their primary offensive weapons at 1200 hours EST.  Some cruise missile tests we performed earlier confirm that these ships are completely protected by a force field that protects them from all projectile weapons such as conventional explosives.  Unfortunately, we have also determined that this shield is effective against energy weapons such as lasers or even nuclear devices.  Essentially, nothing in the American military arsenal will have any effect on these ships.  The best we can do is hide our weapons assets to delay their destruction by the small fighter ships housed in the main vessels when they are unleashed.

PT – Sucks to be us.  Any comments?

AG – Mr. President, I suggest we send a negotiation team to the local ship here over D.C. and hammer out a deal to avert this looming catastrophe.  And because we are ideally suited to see all sides of a problem, that is why myself, President Obama, I mean former President Obama and Madame Secretary Clinton, I mean the assumed late Mix Secretary Clinton joined this meeting.  We feel that our well-known empathy for aliens of all sort will allow us to prevent this crisis from ending in bloodshed or the shedding of whatever vital fluid our extragalactic visitors possess.

PT – Wow, that’s a lot of corrections.  Does Gore speak for you on this Barry?

BO – I prefer to be addressed as Nobel Peace Prize Winning Light Worker Barack Hussein Obama, Donald.

PT – I’ll bet you do but you didn’t answer the question.

BO – Maybe not how I would have said it but essentially.

PT – Good, I want you two to contact the aliens and see what you can do before we let the bright boys loose on them.

AG – You aren’t going with us?

PT – Do I look crazy?  Look no one is forcing you to go there.  If I were you, I’d see if you can negotiate at a distance but if you enter that ship you only have until noon to broker some kind of truce.  After that we’re going to war.

BO – Don’t worry we’ll be finished well before that point.

PT – Good.  General Baldwin, have your flight crew outfit our ambassadors with flight suits and prepare them for their mission.

GAD – Yes sir.  This way gentlemen.  (Gore and Obama exit the bridge).

PT – Good.  Now that those two yahoos are out of earshot Musk, fill us in on what you’ve cooked up.

EM – Mr. President, my team has worked out the physics behind the shield device and we’ve developed a counter measure.

PT – You mean you can turn it off to allow us to attack?

EM – No.  Let me give you the specifics.  The shield works by absorbing the energy of anything that impinges on the ship being protected.  During the time the energy is being absorbed, the impacted area is opaque to the shield sensors.  The ship cannot detect a second attack occurring there for at least ten seconds.  During this time the shield is still immune to energy weapons even nukes because it’s still able to absorb energy but it is vulnerable to projectile weapons to the extent that material can reach the hull.  Now the hull is incredibly strong.  It’s literally 100 feet thick and made of hardened alloy, basically proof to projectiles of any type we could muster.  But if within that ten second we can hit this opaque spot with a projectile composed of tantalum we will form a coated spot on the hull that will block the action of the shield in that area.  We assume that after the initial energy has been absorbed the shield sensors will spot the dead spot on the hull and repair systems will scrape the tantalum away rather quickly.  We approximate the time to remove the tantalum as fifteen minutes.  But during that time, we have a spot on the hull that will succumb to a nuclear blast.  So, the sequence needed is:

  • Time Zero – Initial high explosives detonation
  • 1 – 9 seconds – Tantalum projectile impact
  • 1 minute – 10 minutes – 1 megaton thermonuclear device

Any questions?

PT – Yeah, Poindexter.  Is tantalum something you made up like unobtainium or does it exist.

EM – No Mr. President. It’s a relatively common material.  There’s probably a good amount of it in your cell phone in the form of a capacitor.  It’s a refractory metal with a high melting point and chemical corrosion resistance that resembles that of glass.

PT – Yes we’re all really happy about the wonderful qualities of tantalum but what I want to know is if you’ve got any we can shoot at ET today?

EM – What kind of wunderkind would I be if I didn’t?

PT – Oh Lord give me strength.  Fine, just provide the Air Force with the details of how to incorporate your tantalum slug into our cruise missiles.  And make sure the programming of the sequence is perfect on this first one or all of us are going to wish we were somewhere else really soon after.  And hurry we have about an hour.  Mattis, has the negotiating team been blown up yet?

SM – No sir.  Their helicopter was permitted entry into the ship.

PT – Were any service member aboard?

SM – No sir.  It was remotely piloted.  We kind of like our people to live.

PT – Oh good.  Any communication back from Gore and Obama?

SM – None sir.

PT – Alright forget ‘em. We’re out of time.  Admiral, if you’ve got a chaplain that carries a King James Version have him meet me on the top deck.

AH – Yes Mr. President.

 

TO BE CONTINUED

 

Trump vs Independence Day Redux – Part 3

Trump vs Justice Kennedy

Scene 1: White House, West Wing

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike!  Where the hell are you Pence?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – I’m right here (under his breath) as always.

PT – Good.  Look Mike I need to talk to Kennedy.

VPP – Supreme Court Justice Kennedy?

PT – Well obviously I don’t mean dead Teddy.  Yeah, Justice Kennedy.  I need to advance my agenda and since Congress is hopeless, a new SCOTUS appointment feels like the right thing.  Summon him to my office and make it snappy.

VPP – Mr. President, you can’t summon a supreme court justice, no one can.

PT – Well then ask him to lunch at the White House.

VPP – Certainly, when would you like to meet with him?

PT – Today.

VPP – But suppose he’s already scheduled for a meeting or a case?

PT – Pence, come on man!  Show me something here.  I’m starting to think I should have replaced you with Lying Ted.  Alright, have it your way.  Ask him when he can come.

VPP – What should I tell him is the subject of the meeting?

PT – Pastrami and corned beef.

VPP – What?

PT – We will be discussing the finer points of New York Deli sandwiches.  That should get him.

VPP – Yes Mr. President.

 

Scene 2: Two Weeks Later, White House Dining Room

PT – Well Tony, do you want anymore sauerkraut on that plate or maybe the potato salad.

Justice Kennedy (JK) – No thank you Mr. President.  I couldn’t eat another thing.

PT – Please Tony call me Don.  All my friends do.  Well, except the ones I don’t like.

JK – Okay Donnie.

PT – Just Don.  Let’s keep things friendly here.

JK – Sure Don, sure.

PT – Okay.  So, you’re probably wondering why I called you in for this meeting.  I mean in addition to the salted cured meats.

JK – Can I guess it has something to do with my retirement?

PT – Bingo.  See you’re a smart guy.  You know what’s what.

JK – Well Don, I hope you’re not going to try to convince me to retire before I’m ready.

PT – Nonsense, I would never try to force anyone to do anything he wasn’t ready to.

JK – Good Don, because it would just spoil our friendship.

PT – Right, right, sure.  Say I was just wondering do you do much golfing?

JK – No Don, I don’t.  I’m more of a yoga kind of guy.

PT – Oh yoga, sure, sure of course, very, um, interesting.

JK – I like that and modern expressionistic dance.

PT – …, hmm  …  dance you say.

JK – Yes it’s one of my great passions.

PT – You a married man, Tony?

JK – Don, I’ve been married to the same wonderful woman for more than fifty years.

PT – So, Tony does your wife share your … passion for dance.

JK – Oh, far from it.  She thinks it’s a silly thing for a man to do.  She’s very old fashioned that way.  Not a free spirit like me, Don.

PT – Yeah, I’m starting to get the picture.  So, Tony, I was wondering if you know that Trump Resorts for Retirees includes several very prestigious locales that you might find … interesting.

JK – Where for instance?

PT – Well, South Beach, Provincetown, Fire Island.

JK – Those are all gay havens.

PT – Are they?  I didn’t know.

JK – Of course you do.  What are you implying?

PT – I’m not implying anything.

JK – You think I’m gay!  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

PT – Of course not, it’s nobody’s business whether you’re gay or bi.

JK – I’m not bi!

PT – Tony, calm down.  No one’s saying you’re gay or bi or anything for that matter.  I’m just wondering.

JK – Well, stop wondering.  I’m 100% straight.  Not that there would be anything wrong if I weren’t.

PT – Of course not.  Well I’m glad we got that straightened out.

JK – Right.

PT – So, Tony, you may not be aware but several of Trump Resorts properties have clothing optional sunbathing.

JK – Really?  That seems very strange.  Which ones?

PT – Oh, let me check this brochure.  Well, by a strange coincidence, South Beach, Provincetown and Fire Island.

JK – Okay, I’m outta here.

PT – But Tony, I wasn’t implying anything.

JK – And that’s another thing stop calling me Tony, Mr President.

PT – If you insist Tony.

JK – And for your information I intend to serve on the bench until I’m one hundred and eleven!  Good day!  (leaves in a huff).

PT – …hmmm…   (speaking into an intercom) Mike summon Justice Booth Gator Beanbag or whatever her name is for lunch tomorrow.

 

Since my readers don’t always stop by every day I figured I’d paste this poll on each post for a while to see what folks call themselves.  This is the post the poll came from  Who Are We?

… And that got me thinking. Who are the people who read my blog?  I thought it might be fun to see what the cross-section looked like.  If you feel like saying what you believe in, feel free to leave a comment and/or pick a label from the poll below.  I think it might be interesting.

 

Coming Soon
Total Votes : 54

Trump vs A Madison Avenue Bus Ride

Scene 1: Outside Trump Tower, Corner of 57th and Madison, around sunset

Narrator – Picture if you can a man who has great wealth, a beautiful wife and family and the most powerful job in the world.  You might think he hadn’t a care in the world.  And you would be wrong.  This is the story of a man who needs good advice and there isn’t a soul in the world he can talk to.  But maybe there’s one in the Twilight Zone (fair parody usage, really!)

President Trump (PT) – Joe, what if I just take a stroll down to the corner and back?  I haven’t been in Manhattan in months.  What would be the harm?

Secret Service Agent (SSA) – I’m sorry Mr. President.  That’s impossible.  You shouldn’t even be standing this close to the street.  The car is still half a block away.  (touching his ear and talking to his lapel)  Hey, Bravo 12 who let that old bus onto Madison.  It’s pulling up to the curb.

PT – Joe, I’ll be right back.  See ya later.  (Runs into the open door of the old city bus).

SSA – All units, blockade bus heading north on Madison.  POTUS has been abducted.  (voice over radio in his ear, “Joe, what bus?  There’s nothing there.)

Scene 2: Inside bus.  PT standing next to the driver in the front of the bus.

Bus Driver (BD) – Okay pal, that’ll be fifteen cents fare.

PT – Do you have change for a hundred.

BD – What are you a weisenheimer?

PT – I wasn’t expecting to need change.  How come the fare is so low?

BD – Oh, it’s too low.  Listen to Rockefeller over here.  Look buddy either pay up or get off.

PT – I got it, I got it.  Calm down.

BD – Good.  Now sit down you’re making me nervous.

PT – Is this bus going past St Patrick’s Cathedral?

BD – Boy you are turned around.  We’re going north.  If you stay on after the turn around at 96th you can get there in another 20 minutes.

PT – Okay, thanks.

BD – So why ya heading to church?  It’s Thursday.  Somebody sick.

PT – I need some guidance.

BD – Yeah, don’t we all.  You look like an Episcopalian.  Why St Patrick’s?

PT – I’m friends with the Cardinal.

BD – Who are you supposed to be?  The Mayor?

PT – I’m the President of the United States.

BD – Hey pal.  This bus is going down Madison.  It won’t be passing Bellvue.  You may be going bald but you’re certainly not Ike.

PT – Who says I’m going bald.  This is my own hair.  Ike?

BD – Sure, whatever, we get all kinds of nuts on this line.

PT – So what kind of nostalgia service uses these old buses?  Is it a tourist company?

BD – Old?  This is a brand-new model.  It’s a 1956.  General Motors latest.

PT – 1956? What have you been smoking?

BD – Camels filterless.  Why, you want one?

PT – On a bus?  Oh never mind, keep up the act.  I guess it’s part of the tour.

BD – (under his breath) Some kind of nut.

PT – Street seems really quiet.  No traffic.

BD – It’s after 6 pm.  Rush-hour’s over.  Town’s empty.  Not much going on Thursday night.

PT – (under his breath) Some kind of nut.

BD – So, what’s this trouble you need help with, if you don’t mind me asking?  Bus drivers are like priests and bartenders.  Everyone tells them their troubles.  Maybe I’ve heard it before.

PT – Well I have these big ideas but everyone is against me and even my friends and wife are always giving me grief.

BD – Tell me about it.  Whenever I tell Alice about one of my great money making ideas she gives me that look and starts telling me why it’ll fail.  And talking to Norton, that’s my friend upstairs, is like talking to a wall.  He’s as thick as a brick.

PT – Yeah, it’s just like that.  Melania is always telling me how great it was when we lived in Manhattan and how come we can’t go back.  And Mike Pence is no help at all.  All he ever says is “work with Ryan, work with Ryan.”  Ha.  Might as well be talking to a wall.

BD – Boy, don’t I know that feeling.  It’s, “when are we getting out of Bensonhurst?” and “why can’t we buy a new refrigerator?”  She thinks I’m made of money.  Not that I don’t do okay but how much can you buy on $62 a week?

PT – Boy I really am gonna have to stimulate the economy.  It really is a third world job market out there.

BD – Huh?

PT – You seem pretty sharp.  What would you say is the biggest problem facing the world right now?

BD – The Commie newspaper guys at the Times.

PT – Yeah I agree.  Them and CNN.

BD – C and N?

PT – Yeah, that Acosta guy is brutal.  I’ve blocked him on Twitter.

BD – Huh?

PT – Let’s not go over it again.  I’m tired of that guy all together.  So, what’s the answer?  What should I do?

BD – A very wise man once told me not to listen to the naysayers.  Just don’t give up.  Give it all you’ve got and reach for that high note.

PT – That’s pretty good advice.  Never mind the church.  Look we’re back at Trump Tower.  Drop me off here.

BD – Okay here you go.  Which Tower did you say?

PT – Trump.  And thanks for the advice.  You’re the smartest nut I’ve ever talked to.

BD – Likewise pal.  And give my regards to Mamie.  Har-har-hardy-har-har.  (under his breath) What a nut!  Wait’ll I tell Norton.

PT – Mamie?  Gee what a nut.  Wait’ll I tell Melania.

SSA – Mr. President, are you alright?

PT – Couldn’t be better Joe.

SSA – That old bus is gone again.  Where did it go?

PT – To a different place.  And I hope he gets there alright.

SSA – (under his breath)  I’ve gotta get a new gig.

Narrator- An hallucination or a midtown apparition from a simpler time?  Either way, life’s no Honeymoon here in the Twilight Zone.

Camera Girl is Buying Goats

I think it is a sign of the coming apocalypse that suburban residents think they need to have farm animals on their property.  And women are entirely impractical about pets.

Now, coming from an individual who in the past has kept four of the six giant snake species in a Brooklyn apartment this might sound slightly self-serving and hypocritical.  In fact, it probably is.  But everybody always says a boy needs his hobbies.  No one ever says a girl needs her hobbies.  QED.

But I maintain that I am a reformed former animal horder.  For this reason, I feel that I have the right to pronounce judgement against this misguided practice.

Going through the various animal keeping proclivities of our marriage, it is obvious that eventually we would branch out from indoor menageries and end up in the barnyard.  And after the fiasco of the Great Quail Fail of 2017 (as it came to be known) it was inevitable that Camera Girl would want revenge.  But my actual problem with the new animal introduction is practical.  The winters in New England can be brutally cold and snow filled.  It occurs to me that during some prodigious snow fall when the goat enclosure is engulfed by some absurd 50” snow fall that I will be called upon at some god-awful hour to go out and clear a space for the goats to allow them to get at their food and water.  And based on my memory of Lovecraft’s description of Shub-Niggurath, (“The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young”), I believe there is a better than even chance that the critters will take advantage of my proximity and vulnerability to stage some kind of satanic attack upon my person.

Alright, I don’t really think it will be satanic.  But goats are jerks and they will probably butt me with their stupid horns and that will probably really hurt.  So, there’s that.  Plus, I’ll have to clean out their pen because let’s face it, men always get stuck with the crappy jobs.  So that’s why I hate the goats.  But Camera Girl does feed me and stuff so I guess it’s still a good deal.  I guess.

But have you ever looked at goats.  They’ve got those weird eyes that are really weird and maybe they are satanic.  And they’re gonna eat everything they can get their teeth into so they’ll turn their pen into the Plain of Gorgorath where nothing can survive.  Plus, I’ll bet the pen will be under constant assault by the local coyote pack and they’ll be howling every night and I’ll probably have to defend the stupid goats as if I actually wanted them to survive.  It’ll be like that scene in Whisperer in the Darkness where the old guy is defending his compound from the giant fungus lobsters with his rifle and german shepherds.  Except that german shepherds are actually useful and goats aren’t.  And I don’t have a rifle.  And coyotes aren’t lobsters.  But it was in New England.

I feel that the only hope is if biological science makes rapid advances in genetic engineering.  If genetically modified goats that only grow to the size of crickets could be commercially available then my problem would be solved.  I could set up a pen for them in the kitchen junk drawer and they would be a very small problem to take care of.  So that’s what I’m banking on at this point.  The goats are supposed to arrive a week from Saturday so there’s still time.  I know it’s a long shot but my luck’s got to change some day.  Maybe this will be it.  So, come on you genetic researchers, stop being so selfish and put aside all this cancer jazz for a minute, and solve a really urgent need, the world’s cricket-sized goat shortage.  What color ribbon is still available for the cause?

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 5 – Trump Martel

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 4 -Augustus Trumpster

 

Scene1:  10th of October 732 A.D. – Plains surrounding Tours, Gaul

 

Trump Martel (TM) – Where is my oaf?  Oaf, oaf oaf!

Jeb Buisson (JEB!) – Here O Prince!

TM – Didn’t I tell you to polish my armor?  I have a 4:30 appointment in Tours defeating Islamic extremists and I want to look my best.

JEB! – I’ve been working as fast as I can but I’m not finished yet.

TM – Oh never mind.  You’re too low energy for that.  Go and take a nap.  That way no actual fighters will end up tripping over your gutted corpse.

JEB! – Thank you sire.

TM – Alright Michel Pencius, assemble my fans, I mean my troops, over there and I’ll address them from this big rock over here.

Michel Pencius (MP) – Yes my lord Trump.

TM – Gather round men.  I have a lot to say and not much time to say it in.  In a few hours about sixty thousand Islamic extremists are gonna come pouring over those hills and unless we put a whole world of hurt on them you are all gonna be eating shish kebab from now on.  That’s right.  No more croissants, no more white sauce and definitely no more wine.  So definitely put on your big boy breeches and don’t stop until the fat lady sings.  And by the way that fat lady is Hilarius Cintoninus.  She is a hideous banshee that has lead the Arabs through the Pyrenees and promised them my head if they attacked Tours today.

Now maybe you’re thinking we can’t beat sixty thousand arabs.  Maybe you think the odds are too high.  Well just relax.  The don’t call me Trump Martel, Trump the Hammer because of anatomical reasons, although if you notice my fingers are plenty big, nothing wrong in that department, everything very, very, good and big.  They call me the hammer because I will hammer those buggers right into the ground.  After this battle, we will be the most powerful force in Europe and we will go on to lay the foundations for the Holy Roman Trumpire which my grandson Trumplemagne will build.  And when I say he will build it I’m not kidding.  It will be one big beautiful and long-lasting Trumpire.  But anyway, if you follow me into battle we will win and keep on winning.  We’ll win so much you may get tired of winning.  You may say, “Enough, it’s too much winning!”

And in conclusion, every man that follows me today will get ten royal arpents of land around Paris and a dozen sheep.  Or if you prefer there is a special package of Trump cufflinks and steak knives available at Le Macy’s down at the mall.  Follow me, men, into victory and glory.  But don’t tailgate.  I hate that.

Troops – Le Trump, Le Trump, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

TM – Yes, you love me.  Of course, you do.  How could you not?  I am the greatest Frank of all time.  Even greater than Sinatra, who was very great.

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 4 -Augustus Trumpster

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 3 – Trumpxander the Great

 

Scene 1 – 30 B.C – The Roman Forum (Tuesday)

Emperor Augustus Trumpster (EAT) – Where is Philbertus Macadamius?  Phil! Phil! Where in Hades are you?

Philbertus Macadamius (PM) – Right here Great Trumpster!  All Hail divine Trumpster.  Why, you bestride the whole world like a Colussus!

EAT – Yeah well stop looking up my toga when I do.  Remember my hands are plenty big.  Nothing to worry about there.

PM – Yes great Trumpster.  And how may I be of service?

EAT – Listen Phil, I’m about to make a big speech before the senate and I need someone that I can trust to listen to my tweet, I mean speech.

PM – I would be honored Great Trumpster.

EAT – Sure, sure but listen I’m a little sword-shy after Mike-us Pence-tony, my right hand man, ran off with that Clintonpatra skank and tried to steal the whole eastern empire from me.  That really pissed me off.  So, I have to know that what I say will go no further than this portico.  I have to know you’re loyal.

PM – Rest assured Great Trumpster, that I would never reveal your conversation or blab it to the Times New Roman, er I mean the New Roman Times.

EAT – Yeah, nothing to see here.  Oh what the hell.  If anything happens I can always feed you to the lions in the Colosseum (when someone gets around to building it that is).  Anyway what do you think of this speech?

PM – (reading the scroll) Uh let’s see.  Hmmm, zmmmm, hmmm, zmmm.  Looks good to me.  Cicero himself will rave.

EAT – Yeah except we cut off his head a few years back.

PM – Oh, that’s right.  Good times, good times.  Anyway, the speech is a peach.  Lay it on them Mighty Trumpster.

Scene 2 – Same day, Roman Senate.

EAT – Friends, Romans, Countrymen.  Lend me your ears.  No, I mean really.  I’m having all your ears cut off for those rude remarks you made about the Empress Melania.  She’s the best- looking babe this old burg has ever seen and you claim that Clintopatra is more regal?  You’re just lucky I won and she wasn’t in charge.  She’d have had you guys eunuched within the week and singing soprano in the Palatine Follies before the Ides of March.  But relax, I had her boiled in oil and rendered into so much soap that it’ll last the empire for a decade.  Unfortunately Slickus Willius escaped into the East.  But it’s probably for the better.  If that joker got talking he’d have stolen the togas right off your backs.  Him and that “that depends on what the definition of id est.”  What a crook.

So anyway, here’s the deal.  I’m going to turn this republic into an empire.  Now I know that’s bad, but you folks are already too corrupt to reform.  On the upside the Pax Romana will give you about two hundred years of relative prosperity and peace.  The downside is that by the time the Visigoths show up you’ll be a bunch of serfs too poor and dispirited to care about defending your homes.

But look at the bright side.  The bread and circuses should last right up until Alaric and the Visigoths sack this place in 410 A.D. (whenever that is).  So let’s party like it’s MCMXCIX!!!!

Senators – Toga, toga, toga.

 

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 5 – Trump Martel

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 3 – Trumpxander the Great

Trump vs The Time Hag 2 – The Funeral Oration of Trumpicles

 

Scene 1 – Overlooking the smoking ruins of Thebes, 4th Century B.C. (Wednesday)

Trumpxander the Great (TTG) – Aristotle, Ari, hey Ari!  Where the Hades are you?

Aristotle the Wise (ATW) – Right here your majesty.

TTG – Never mind that your majesty stuff.  Remember I’m the Son of Zeus-Ammon.

ATW – Yes, Your Divinity.

TTG – That’s better.  Look Ari, I’m getting ready for the spring campaign against Darius and I need to give my troops a pep talk.  What kind of speech can you lay on me that will impress these spear carriers?

ATW – Well, Your Divinity, you can use either the dialectic logic or the rhetorical logic.

TTG – I remember Vox saying I should stick with rhetoric since that’s what’s brought me to this rodeo.  What have you got on that side?

ATW – I remember Demosthenes had a nice little riff in his speech “On the Crown,” that really caught my attention.

TTG – Demosthenes?  That guy was a total snooze.  So low energy you couldn’t tell the difference between before and after I had him put to death.

ATW – Perhaps you can elaborate on what type of rhetorical effect you are interested in O Son of Zeus-Ammon.

TTG – Well I’m gonna tell my army that we’re gonna fight our way across Asia until we reach India and we’re gonna be gone for years.  I need something that will get these guys jacked.

ATW – Perhaps an appeal to their Macedonian pride.

TTG – Ah forget it, I’ll bribe ‘em.

 

Scene 2 – At the harbor of Corinth.  One month later (Thursday)

 

TTG – Macedonians, brave soldiers, my people.  I stand before you ready to lead you to the greatest victory of all time.  We have conquered Thracians and Athenians, Spartans and Thebans, Corinthians and Euboans, Mytileneans and Egyptians, Libyans and Cyreneans, Armenians and Thessalians, Lydians and Cilicians, Cretans and Lesbians, Cyprians and Lycians, Rhodians and Phoenicians and blah, blah, blah.  Oh Hades, we have basically kicked the whole world’s butt.  We’ve been winning so much that just the other day my generals said, “Son of Zeus-Ammon it’s too much winning!”  I mean it, they really said it.  And now we’ll kick the Persians butts and be done with it.

Some people will tell you (mostly the Persians) that the Persians are unbeatable, that the 10,000 Immortals are, well immortal.  I’m here to tell you that’s b.s.  Remember the Athenians beat them a hundred years ago and they’ve been low energy ever since.

And remember you have me Trumpxander the Son of Zeus-Ammon a demigod, the greatest general of all time, the greatest statesman of all time, the greatest man of all time and the founder of Trumpxandria the greatest city in the world with it’s incredible library.  This library is so great that you have to be approved by me to get a library card.  You can borrow not only scrolls but also pop-up picture scrolls.  You know the ones that kids really like.  And we have the most of any library.  Way more than Athens, way more than Pergamon and way more than Rome which isn’t even a thing yet.

And as if that isn’t enough remember that I have promised that every man that who follows me to the Indus River is going to get his own autographed Trumpxander gold-plated loin cloth complete with laundering instructions.  It’s highest quality and looks like it was a genuine Athenian gold loin cloth, almost.  Plus, if you want to I’ll allow you to settle in Persia and marry a Persian wife like my wife Melania, uh I mean Roxanne, and believe me these Persian women are smoking hot like you wouldn’t believe.  Well, all except for that hideous old fat Clintoninus that Darius found in some house of ill repute in Persepolis.  But the rest of them are fine.

And finally, any man who distinguishes himself by bravery in battle will be given 500 gold darics and will become part of the Trumpxander body guard and hang out with me the demigod and ride around in my stretch chariot.

MACEDONIAN ARMY – (chanting) Trumpxander’s great, Darius sucks, Trumpxander’s great, Darius Sucks!

TTG – You got that right.

 

Scene 3 – After the speech in Trumpxander’s tent

 

TTG – Now listen, Ptolemy, Seleucus and Antipater.  Since you’re my greatest generals, I’ll give you the straight dope because I’ll need you to swing this thing.  We’re gonna conquer the Persian Empire and spread Greek civilization and science to the four corners of the earth.  Darius has taken on an extremely old, fat and ugly concubine called Clintoninus who has bewitched him with dreams of forming a global society based on the doctrines of Sappho of Lesbos which involve women dyeing their hair blue, refusing sex with men and raising cats.  Once we kill Darius and Clintoninus I will apparently go insane, march our men to the ends of the earth and drink myself to death in Babylon.  Afterwards you three will divide my empire in three and devote your descendants to battling each other into a gradually debilitating stalemate for three hundred years while the Romans and Parthians have a chance to catch up to you.  Is that clear?

Ptolemy the Great (PTG) – But Great Trumpxander, Son of Zeus-Ammon, you cannot die.  You are a god.

TTG – Yeah, well it sucks being me.  But listen when I die you bring my body back to Alexandria, uhhhh I mean Trumpxandria, preserved in honey and put me in a crystal sarcophagus as a wonder of the world.  But whatever you do make sure my hair is carefully arranged.  It’s my best feature you know.

PTG – Yes Great Trumpxander, it will be as you command.

(All three generals) – Yes great Trumpxander, Son of Zeus-Ammon.

TTG – Alright, now get out of here and let me rest for Zeus-Ammon’s sake.  I’ve got a big day tomorrow.  I’m conquering the world.

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 4 – Augustus Trumpster

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 1 – The Origin Story

Scene 1:  Deepest sublevel of the Pentagon; 3:30 a.m.

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, thank you for keeping this a secret and I apologize for the late hour.

President Trump (PT) – Mike, what the hell is going on here?  I was in the middle of a very important tweet.  I superimposed Jim Acosta’s head on a walrus and he was looking really stupid.

VPP – Sorry Mr. President.  I’m sure that was really important but this is critical.

PT – Alright, now that I’m here, what gives?

VPP – In this top-secret military lab our top men have been perfecting a practical method for time travel.

PT – Hey that’s great Mike.  Now I can go back in time and make bets on sports games and get rich like Biff did in Back to the Future Part 2.

VPP – Actually Sir, going back in time and changing it is a very dangerous thing to do.  And it’s one of the reasons I called you here.

PT – I don’t get it.  I haven’t even done anything yet.  Why are you already giving me grief about it?

VPP – Actually it’s Hillary Clinton that’s the problem here.

PT – What does Crooked Hillary have to do with my time machine.

VPP – Your time machine?  Oh, never mind.  Let me explain.  Secretary Clinton found out about the project from Obama back when he was pillaging the United States of America.  After your election victory she has been looking for some way to thwart the election results and she selected the time machine as the last resort.  She plans to go back in time and change history in some way that will allow her to become the president.  In fact, she has already used the machine.

PT – Doesn’t this old hag ever quit?  So how do we stop her?

VPP – Mr. President, if you’ve read Heinlein’s “All You Zombies” or watched “Back to the Future” you know that tampering with the past can be catastrophic.

PT –  Yeah, yeah.  Like when Michael J. Fox starts disappearing from the polaroid photo of his family.  Which if you think about it doesn’t really make any sense.  Boy, that Spielberg really was a slacker.  So, I’m in danger of ceasing to exist.

VPP – Precisely.  We think Hillary will attempt to prevent you from being born by interfering in your parents’ lives.  In fact, we think she’s already succeeded.

PT – Well, then why am I still here?

VPP – Because this lab has an inertial time field associated with it that delays changes to the temporal fabric of the universe within a range of 5 miles and for a period of about two weeks.

PT – Good thing for me.

VPP – Ain’t it the truth.

PT – Okay, get me the DeLaurean or put me in the machine and send me back.  Will I be naked like the Terminator?

VPP – No Mr. President.

PT – Good.  Because despite his terrible work on The Apprentice, Schwarzenegger definitely looks better naked than I do at the moment.  I really have to lay off the pasta.

VPP – Mr. President we don’t have much time.  We’ve got to set up the machine and plan out the mission.  Hillary is wearing a controller that looks like a lady’s Rolex that allows her to move forward and back in time to whatever point in history she wants.  We will provide you with an equivalent controller in a men’s Rolex.

PT – I’d prefer a Trump Chronichron.  It looks like a Rolex but can be purchased at Macy’s for only $450.  It’s quite a deal.

VPP – I’m sorry Mr. President, there’s no time.

PT – That statement seems ironic under these circumstances.

VPP – I am aware.  Now in addition to allowing the wearer to time travel the watch allows us to keep track of the traveler.  For instance, we know that Hillary is currently in 5th Century B.C. Athens.  We will send you there first.  Your mission is to thwart any actions by Hillary and protect the outline of Western Civilization throughout our timeline.  Do you have any questions?

PT – Yes, can I bring guns?

VPP – No Mr. President, that would be extremely damaging to the thread of history.

PT – I figured you’d say that.  You know Mike, you really should learn how to live a little.

VPP – Sure.

PT – Alright, I’m ready.  Let her rip.

VPP – God speed Mr. President.  We’re all rooting for you.  None of us want Hillary for a boss.  She’s a lousy bitch.

Epilogue:

As you know if you’ve read “The Funeral Oration of Trumpicles” Donald was successful in defeating Hillary (or as she was called back then Clintoninus).  Stay tuned for the further adventures of Time-Traveler-Trump as he does battle in the day before yesterday to save tomorrow!

Trump vs The Time Hag – Episode 2 – The Funeral Oration of Trumpicles

(Hat tip to Roger Kimball for the inspiration.)

 

Note: A prequel has been written to this post.  Sorry for the complication.

General Trumpicles – (GT) – People of Athens, and remember Athens is the greatest city in the world, I speak to you today as your leader, and you love me, you really do. I stand before you today to say that Sparta is low energy and rumor of their military strength is fake news, it really is.

(loud and prolonged cheering)

Yes, yes you love me, of course you do. How could you not?  I return to you victorious after defeating the Thebans and building the long walls out to the Piraeus and getting the Spartans to pay for it.  And considering how poor and cheap the Spartans are it wasn’t easy.  Trust me!

(prolonged chanting of “Sparta Sucks, Sparta Sucks)

Yes, yes they do, they really do. And there it’s actually fashionable but let’s not get homophobic.  What I want to say is that Athens is the greatest city in the world and I’m the greatest leader in the world and you’re all so lucky to live in this Fifth Century B.C. Golden Age.  Although I really don’t know what B.C. means and fifth century from what?  But who cares?  It’s golden and that’s enough.  Next week we’ll be opening up the new Trumpicles Temple and Casino.  Some people want to call it the Parthenon.  They think that statue is Athena.  But it’s really Melania.  And Parthenon for her would be misleading.  Enough said.

I just want to say a few words about how great Athens is and why it’s great. It’s great because we make the best deals and we are smarter than the other greeks and because we don’t take crap from anyone.  Darius landed here when our fathers were poor farmers and told us to pay tribute and we told him to stick it in his ear.  And he burned down the city because it was built of wood.  And we’ve rebuilt it out of marble. And he fought us at Marathon and we kicked his ass.

(prolonged chanting of “Persia Sucks, Persia Sucks)

Yeah, they do. But be generous.  At least they’re not the Spartans.

(loud and raucous laughing)

And don’t forget that it was the Trumpicles Corporation that rebuilt Athens in marble. And it was the finest Parian marble and no expense was spared and it is the showcase of the Aegean Sea.  Now you may be asking yourself, “why does Trumpicles do all this.”?  Well, I’ll tell you.  It’s because I’m a man of the people.  I’m not like that Crooked Clintoninus.  I never make an obol on any of these deals I make for you.  It’s well documented that I’m the greatest leader that you will ever have. After me it’ll be one long slide down into Palookaville and then Alexander and the Macedonians will turn this place into a parking lot for the tourists.  But for as long as you’ve got me, the good times will roll and you won’t have to worry about anything except how to spend the drachmas.  So to sum it up, Athens is the greatest city because I’m the greatest leader, you love me and Sparta sucks.  Good night everybody.

(loud foot stomping and chanting Trumpicles, Trumpicles, Sparta Sucks, Sparta Sucks.)