Mourning Morning Shmoe

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments.  This one began back in March 2018.

Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

 

Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe – (MS);  Lycra Spandexy – (LS);  Producer Jorge – (PJ);  President Trump – (PT)

Scene 1- 8am, MSNBC, Set of the Morning Shmoe talk show; the set is festooned with black streamers, in the center of the breakfast table is a poster sized photo of a morbidly obese pug dog;  

MS – Welcome solemnly back from that tasteful adult diaper commercial break and it’s the saddest two minutes after the quarter hour I’ve ever experienced here at the Morning Shmoe Show.  I’m your co-host Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed and here’s our co-host the lovely but deeply bereaved Lycra Spandexy.

LS – Yes, that’s right Shmoe.  Very, very lovely and deeply, deeply bereaved.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Lycra, maybe for the sake of any of the at-home audience who were in comas yesterday and didn’t hear the earth shattering events you could relate a synopsis of events leading up to this sad, sad day.

LS – No, Shmoe.  Anyone too stupid or callous to educate himself to the scope and details of yesterday’s global catastrophe cannot be helped and must be allowed to perish from the earth, or at least be shadow-banned from Twitter.  But I will say this, Mr. Toodles’ abduction, brutal murder and cannibalization is laid squarely at the feet of Donald Trump.

MS – Yes, absolutely.  Trump’s support for the unnamed perpetrator (a rogue leader of an unnamed  country with the initials NK) was what enabled this heinous crime.  Any sensible President would answer this unspeakable provocation with a measured, proportionate response, namely, the total thermonuclear annihilation of North Korea, err, I mean NK.

LS – Yes Shmoe, that seems just.  Even merciful if you consider it the right way.

MS – And by the right way you mean the left way.  A truly progressive world view recognizes that the brutal murder of even one somewhat plus-sized American pug dog must be the moral equivalent of incinerating fifty million East Asian people who engage in dog eating.

LS – That’s right Shmoe, very, very equivalent.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Oh for! … … … … …………………. Anyway, anyway we are demanding that Donald Trump immediately call off the peace process with NK and proceed directly to a full nuclear launch.

LS – Yes, warmonger Trump, do what you want to do anyway go directly to Def Jam 4.

MS – That’s DEFCON 1.

LS – Well, whatever channel it is on your remote go to it and start bombing those dog eaters.  And I hear South Korea and China are also dog eaters so nuke them too.

MS – Uhhh, maybe we should slow down a minute.  China is not only one of the larger nuclear powers with a population of over a billion people, it also makes most of the stuff we live on.

LS – Really Shmoe, really?  Is that all you care about Mr. Toodles?  I mean, just because there is a small chance that you will get nuked, you let dog eaters roam the earth free, chowing down on chow-chows as the mood strikes them?

MS – Hey, just wait a second.  I go along with almost all of your nutty crap day in and day out.  Cut me a little slack when I don’t want to go beyond the partial annihilation of the planet over one dog.

LS – One dog?  Mr. Toodles?  After all he did for you?  Do I even know you at all?

(as a staccato exchange of bickering breaks out between the married co-hosts, Producer Jorge, interrupts)

PJ – Lycra, Shmoe.  I hate to interrupt but we have Donald Trump on line one.

LS – Put him through!  I want to tell him what I really think of him.

PT – Hello Shmoe and Lycra.  I see you’re engaging in your usual nutbaggery.

LS – Go to hell Trump.  We won’t let you divide us.

MS – Exactly!

LS – Exactly!

MS – (audibly grinds his teeth but shakes it off and continues) What do you want Trump?

PT – I called up to broker a peace treaty between the two of you and my friend Kim Jong Un.

LS – (starts screaming incoherently then yells) Monster, murderer!  You are responsible for the murder of Mr. Toodles.

PT – Calm yourself Lycra Spandexy, at your advanced age a stroke is always a concern.

LS – (once again starts screaming incoherently then yells) I am not old!  I am young and beautiful and in the prime of my life as a powerful, talented and desirable woman.

PT – Sure, sure, whatever, now listen.  Kim Jong Un called me up last night and told me all about the joke he pulled on you two.  It’s not widely known but he has a very wry sense of humor.  He took your morbidly obese and pop-eyed canine and brought him along on his flight back to Pyongyang.  The dog is well, or as well as he was when taken, and will be returned to you unharmed in return for an apology.

LS – I’ll never apologize to that monster.

PT – Oh it’s worse than that.  You have to apologize to me.

MS – What?  Why would we apologize to you?

PT – Well you see, Kim thinks it’s beneath his dignity to negotiate with a leader whose own people hold in such low esteem that they insult him publicly.  So, he is insisting that you two be made an example and forced to perform the equivalent of a North Korean show trial where you denounce yourselves through a long list of your thought and deed crimes.  He reluctantly agreed that you didn’t have to end off by being summarily executed with a bullet through the brain paid for by your families.

MS – We’ll never do it.

PT – That’s your choice but the dog is still in North Korea and he is about oven-stuffer size.  And the Korean Festival of the Garlic and Ginseng Stuffed Dog does begin next week.

LS – Don’t say no, Shmoe!  We must save Mr. Toodles no matter the cost.

MS – Very well, you villain.  We’ll do it.  What must we say.

PT – Oh, don’t rush me.  I’ll get back to you when I’ve got the script finished.  I’ll just let Kim know it’s a deal and we’ll set up the broadcast in a day or so.  And believe me when I say that what you’ll have to say will bring tears to those leftist blue state eyes of yours.  Till then rejoice.  Your pop-eyed pooch was dead but now is alive again.  Trump out.

Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments.  This one began back in March 2018.

Trump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon

Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe – (MS);  Lycra Spandexy – (LS);   President Trump – (PT); Kim Jong Un (KJU)

Scene 1- 8am, MSNBC, Set of the Morning Shmoe talk show;  

MS – Welcome back from that commercial break and it’s the cube root of 27 minutes after the hour and we’re here at the set of the Morning Shmoe Show.  And Lycra Spandexy and I were just saying how we’ve never been more in love or more sure that Donald Trump’s presidency is seconds away from imploding before our eyes.

LS – Yes, that’s right Shmoe, very, very in love and very, very close to imploding.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – And continuing on our discussion of the bromance between Trump and Kim, I just wonder how Donald Trump feels knowing that he has become just as much of a laughing stock as that other tin pot dictator Kim Jong Un.  After all he may not be as short and fat as Kim but he’s just as much of a psychopath and just as ugly.

LS – Yes that’s right Shmoe, very, very much a laughing stock and very, very ugly.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Hmmm.

LS – Oh, look!  Producer Jorge says we have a caller on line one.  Go ahead caller.

KJU – You listen good, Lycra Spandexy and Morning Shmoe!  This Kim Jong Un, Supreme Dear Leader of Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.  You really piss me off.  Maybe my friend Donald Trump let you get away with this stuff but I no will.  You are in deep doo doo.  You make fun of me?  Hah, I make fun of you!  What kind name Lycra Spandexy?  Sound like the sports bra.  And Morning Shmoe?  You some kind of Fourth Stooge?  Hah, Hah!

LS – Oh yeah?  Well your name is really funny.  Don’t you know Kim is a girl’s name?  Like Kim Kardashian.

MS – Honey, I don’t think you should engage.  I think the directive in these situations is to remain calm and shelter in place until the back-up arrives.

KJU – Too late you foolish losers.  I already sent team to your apartment.  You aware that Korean cuisine includes dog, right?

LS – Mr. Toodles?

KJU – That right.  I now finishing off Toodles with Noodles. Very hot and very tasty.

(Lycra becomes hysterical)

MS – You fiend!  I’ll call the State Department and have you arrested.

KJU – Don’t bother.  Diplomatic immunity.  And I already in flight and over Atlantic Ocean.  Plus, I no think Donald like you two too much.  You piss him off too.  So goodbye losers.  Better not say more about me or you might end up on menu for my shark tank.  (call ends in a dial tone)

MS – (with Lycra in the background keening shrilly for Mr.Toodles)  Well this is a black day on Morning Shmoe.  Not since the 9-11 attacks has anything as shocking occurred.  In fact, as we all know, the 9-11 attacks were the fault of Islamophobia whereas this murder is strictly the fault of Donald Trump and his Axis of Evil with a dictator who will remain nameless because of reasons.  I would declare a morning of mourning but we really need the paychecks to cover the wedding expenses we incurred.  It was an event wedding in Hawaii and Lycra had a lot of Eastern European relatives to fly in.

LS – (breaking out of her wailing dirge)  You were the one who wanted Hawaii.

MS- Whatever!  Well anyway, goodbye everybody and may your morning progress.

 

Mourning Morning Shmoe

Trump vs Kim Jung Un and the Bad Example

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments.  This one began back in March 2018.

 

Trump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon

 

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT); James (Mad Dog) Mattis – (JM); Kim Jong Un (KJU)

 

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office; President Trump sitting at his desk with the office phone on his ear.  Vice President Pence is just entering through the door.

VPP – Mr President?

PT – (speaking into the phone) Sorry, let me call you back, somebody is interrupting.  (hangs up) Mike, what?

VPP – Sorry to interrupt Mr. President, but you haven’t screamed my name looking for me since before you left on your trip.  I was wondering if anything was wrong.

PT – You know Pence, it’s not always all about you, you know.  Maybe sometimes I call other people up when I need something.  That is possible isn’t it?

VPP – Well, sure, I guess.  But I have grown accustomed to your early morning summons, so you know, I was just kind of surprised by the quiet.

PT – Yeah, well, don’t worry I’ll make sure and let you know when I need you.  Now go ahead and get your first morning nap before you get cranky.

VPP – Alright Mr. President, goodbye. (as he goes to close the door on his way out he sees that President Trump is once again talking on the phone)

PT – Yeah, I got rid of him.  Honestly, I don’t know why I hired him but mistakes can be corrected.

Scene 2:  Outside the First Lady’s Office in the White House later that day.  In front of the door Vice President Pence and Secretary Mattis meet up.

JM – Hello Mike.

VPP – Hi Jim.  Were you called here too?

JM – Yeah, what’s it all about?

VPP – Well, the way things have been going around here only a fortune teller could know. (he knocks on the door)

MT – (calling through the door),  Come in Mike and Mad Dog. (they enter and close the door behind).

VPP – Hello Melania.  Good to see you again.

JM – Good afternoon First Lady.

MT – Hello Vice Mike and Mad Dog, please sit down.  The reason I have summoned you is because Schmoopey is acting very strange.

JM – And by “Schmoopey” ma’am you mean?

MT – Ah, forgive me.  Schmoopey is the pet name that Donald and I use for each other.  It is a Seinfeld reference, is it not?

JM – I wouldn’t know ma’am.  Jerry Seinfeld is some kind of hippie, I believe, so I’ve never seen him on the television.

VPP – Melania, could you be a little more specific about the President’s behavior.  Opinions may differ on very strange.

MT – He is obsessed with Kim.  That is all he thinks about all day.

VPP – Melania you must be wrong.  When Kim Kardashian came to the White House that was just a public relations event.  She means nothing to the President.

MT – No Vice Mike.  I mean that fat little psychopath Kim Jong Un.  They talk all day and night, laughing and joking.  And the more he talks to Kim the scarier he gets.

JM – Ma’am, what do they talk about?

MT – They talk about making their enemies disappear.  Someone must stop this.

VPP – Melania, I’m sure the President is just pretending to be Kim’s friend to get his cooperation.

MT – I do not think this is so.  Schmoopey has been very angry with the Fake News.  I think he is looking to get the revenge.

JM – Ma’am, what can we do?

MT – You must break the evil spell that holds him captive.

VPP – Melania, we’ll help the President.  Don’t fret.

MT – Thank you gentlemen.  Now I must get back to my memoirs.  Goodbye.

Scene 3:  That night; White House Teleconferencing Center, President Trump sitting in front of a teleprompter with Kim Jong Un’s image projected in front of him, Mattis and Pence entering from behind him.

PT – So did you really boil the entire Nork Press Corp in honey and feed them to bears?

KJU – You bet you I do!  And then I feed bears to sharks.  Very, very funny.

PT – Well, my short fat friend, you certainly have your own style.  But I’ll settle for results.  Did I tell you how I eliminated sixteen rinos without firing a shot?

KJU – Ouuuh, rhino horn good for the rub rub.

PT – Maybe, but these rinos had already had their horns and their genitals removed before the event.

VPP – Mr. President, may we have a word with you?

KJU – Donald, these dogs are interrupting us.  Have them fed to sharks!

PT – No Jung Un the sharks are already full, besides I still need these servants for a little longer.

KJU – I bored.  I go. (screen goes blank)

PT – Jim, Mike what do you want?

VPP – Mr. President, we’ve heard some disturbing reports about your behavior.

PT – Schmoopey ratted me out!

JM – Mr. President, that little psychopath Kim can’t be trusted.  You said so yourself last month.

VPP – That’s true Mr. President.  I remember you were afraid he’d try to poison you.

PT – Yes, but that was before we became friends.  Now he’s shown me how to deal with the Fake News, Crooked Hillary and the Deep State all at the same time.

JM – But we’re Americans, we’re the good guys we don’t murder other Americans just because of political differences.

PT – Are you telling me Hillary Clinton, Peter Strzok and Jim Acosta are loyal Americans.

JM – Hmmm, I get your point.

VPP – But Mr. President, that’s besides the point.  If you stoop to their level, they win.

PT – If you do blah, blah, blah they win?  Who do you think I am, W?  Mike, you and Mad Dog convene the Cabinet for a special meeting.  I want to get the whole team’s ideas on some of Jong Un’s “special techniques.”

VPP – Mr. President, why don’t we start with just the three of us?  I’m not sure Jeff Sessions would survive it.

PT – Yeah that may not be a problem for much longer.  Okay, let’s get down to brass tacks.  Sessions isn’t going to do anything about the mess in the DOJ or Mueller.  My friend Jong Un sent me plans for his built-in shark tank.  I have it installed under the floor in the White House basement and whenever I want a problem to go away I invite the “problem” for a heart to heart chat and a stroll around the basement and before you know it the problem is a just a greasy residue to be filtered out of the tank water.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s monstrous!

PT – Would that count for Joe Biden?

JM – Hold on Mike, maybe we should hear him out.

VPP – No!  Not even for Creepy Uncle Joe.  Look you are just allowing yourself to get swept up in the whole Caligula thing that Kim Jong Un has going on.  Remember how that worked out for Caligula himself.  Or Nero, or Hitler or any of those other psychos.

PT – Well Stalin did alright.

VPP – But this is America, it’s not the Soviet Union yet.  Look at it realistically.  If all your enemies start mysteriously disappearing, like they do around the Clintons then you’ll be treated the same way they are.  Everyone will fear and hate you.  You’ll never get re-elected and after you die your corpse will be desecrated.

JM – They might call you Crooked Donald.

PT – Never thought of that.  That would be bad for the Trump brand.  Alright, you’ve convinced me, no shark tank.  But I have to say, you guys are nowhere near as much fun as Jong Un.

VPP – And I have some more bad news for you.  You’re gonna have to break off your bromance with the short fat maniac.

PT – No way, he’s fun and he’s got a great head of hair.

VPP – Yes, way.  Melania is very upset with you and if you don’t straighten up she’ll bolt.

PT – Schmoopey?  I can’t have that.  Okay, you win, I’ll break up with Jong Un.  But you guys are gonna have to raise your game.  If I get too bored I’ll have to reconsider the shark tank.

JM – How about a pinochle game on Thursday nights?

VPP – Charades?

PT – (under his breath) Shark tank.

 

Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 3

(If you want to start from the beginning of the story see link below)

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 1

 

Dramatis Personae – President Trump (PT); Senator Mitch McConnell (MM); Senator Chuck Schumer (CS); Hannibal Lecter (HL);

Scene 1 – White House, West Wing, Oval Office 8am Monday

President Trump seated behind his desk, Mitch McConnell standing nervously in front of him.

PT – Look Mitch, I don’t know what’s the big deal about this.  I need a new Attorney General and you have the votes.  Let’s get it over with.

MM – Mr. President, that’s absurd.  You’re nominating a psychopathic murderer who’s also a cannibal for Attorney General of the United States.  How do you call that no big deal?

PT – How does that differ from Janet Reno or Eric Holder?

MM – At the very least because they weren’t cannibals!

PT – That we know of you mean.  I mean it’s very hard to prove a negative you know.

MM – Mr. President, I’m not sure the American people will stand for this.

PT – I think this is exactly what the American people have been waiting for.  Jeff Sessions was weak and ineffective.  Hannibal will get results and hack away at the dead wood.  Now go out there and make us proud of you Mitch.  Good luck.

 

Scene 2 – US Capitol Building; Senate Floor – Monday 11am

MM – The chair recognizes the senior senator from the great state of New York, Charles Schumer.

CS – Mr. Chairman, fellow senators, what the hell!  Are we seriously going to debate consenting to the Department of Justice being run by a cannibal?  What’s next?  Will we have Health and Human Services run by a witch doctor?  I mean, come on!  I will not let these proceeding continue.  I’ll have the news networks crucify you all to kingdom come.

MM – Senator Schumer, will you take a question from the nominee?

CS – Sure I could use a laugh.  What would the cannibal like to know?

HL – Hello Chuck.  It’s good to see you in such robust good health.  But you seem to have put on a few pounds.  Careful, careful.  Marbling of the sirloin, uh, I mean hardening of the arteries can be tricky.  Anyway, I would like to know if you are aware that I have been given a full pardon? Now if I don’t get the Attorney General’s position I’ll be out of work.  In that case I’m considering restarting my private practice.  I was shown a nice office, loft, kitchen arrangement in Soho.  I hear you live there and I was wondering if you might have time to inspect it with me and give your opinion of the space.  You know since we’ll be neighbors and all.

CS – Mr. Chairman on reconsideration I don’t see why we can’t have this nomination voted on this morning.  Plus, I really have to be leaving.  I’ve suddenly realized that I need to move to another neighborhood right away.  Good bye. (flies down the chamber aisle at an impressive sprint).

MM – Well if there are no further questions I think I’ll let the nominee leave to allow us to vote.  Thank you Dr. Lecter.  And I’d just like to state for the record that I’ve lost seven pounds this month and have often been described as stringy and tough.

HL – Thank you Mr. Senator.  Duly noted.

 

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 4

 

 

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 2

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 1

 

Dramatis Personae – President Trump (PT); James “Mad Dog” Mattis (JM); Hannibal Lecter (HL); Melania Trump (MT);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing – First Family living quarters – Monday 8am

MT – Schmoopey, Schmoopey!  Where are you my Schmoopey?

PT – I’m right here Schmoopey, what’s all the yelling?

MT – Oh Schmoopey, beware, beware!  Do not let Mad Dog feed you to Hudič.

PT – To who?

MT – No, not who, Hudič.  The Devil!

PT – Calm down Schmoopey, I know what I’m doing.

MT – But you don’t understand.  This devil likes to eat the flesh and you have a lot of flesh Schmoopey.

PT – Whaddya mean.  I’m in great shape.

MT – Uhhh … sure, sure.  But let’s not tempt the devil.  He might be extra hungry that day.

PT – Relax, Schmoopey, I’m completely in control of the situation.  It’s not me who should be worried.  It’s my enemies who should be staying away from the kitchen.  I’ve got to go now.  See you tonight.

MT – I will be praying to Saint Prebavne Motnje to intercede for you.  He is the patron saint of indigestion.

PT -Oh brother.

Scene 2 – The Joe Biden Asylum for the Criminally Insane in Lovecraft, Maryland – 11 am the same day

James Mattis and President Trump on one side of a bullet proof glass wall and Hannibal Lecter on the other side.

JM – Dr. Lecter, do you know why we are here.

HL – Of course gentlemen.  You want to contract my services for a clean-up operation.

JM – That’s correct.  We need someone with exceptional intuitive skills to perform a triage on the Justice Department.

HL – Secretary Mattis, President Trump, I have made it my life’s work to be able to peel back the skin, metaphorically speaking of course, and see the soul of the man.

JM – Sure, metaphorically speaking.

PT – Dr. Lecter, I need someone who can find my enemies and eliminate them, metaphorically speaking.  I need someone who can get the truth out of the FBI and get confessions from the conspirators.

HL – President Trump, there is nothing that would please me more than to get James Comey in my surgery, I mean office and help him to remember the details of his mistakes.  He’s a very big man, there’s so much there to work with.  So many options so many choices.  White, red, maybe a chianti.

PT – Now stay focused.  Everything needs to be legal and professional.  Remember we’re the good guys.

HL – Yes, of course, of course.  I was only speaking metaphorically.

JM – Of course.  Before you can take the position, we’ll need to pardon you for the indiscretions you were incarcerated for and then approved by the Senate.

HL – Yes, of course.  It’s awfully understanding of you to help me out with that.  I’ve had the devil of a time trying to convince the FBI that they had me confused with someone else.  As you know, they are very prone to error.

PT – I know exactly what you mean.  They can be extremely unfair.

HL – Yes.

JM – Dr Lecter, I think we understand each other.  Is there anything else we need to know going forward?

HL – Well, there is one more thing.  Is there any way I could get a set of those Trump steak knives?  I’ve heard good things.

PT – Uhhh ….. sure?

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 1

Dramatis Personae – President Trump (PT); Secretary of Defense James “Mad Dog” Mattis (JM)

Scene 1 – Monday 8am White House West Wing – Oval Office – President Trump behind his desk in a private meeting with James Mattis

PT – Mad Dog, I need your help with a personnel problem.  I have to find a replacement for Jeff Sessions.  He’s scared of what he has to do to clean out the Justice Department.

JM – Mr. President, do you think I’m the right man to help you fill that job?

PT – You’ll have to be.  The new AG can’t be another political hack.  The man I’m looking for has to be a cross between Machiavelli and Attila the Hun.  In fact I wish I had the time to do the job myself but I’ve got a bunch of golf scheduled for the fall and winter months so I’ve got to delegate.

JM – Machiavelli and Attila the Hun?  That’s a tough one.  I’ll have to do some digging.  When are you looking for an answer?

PT – No rush, how about 10 am?

JM – Ayyy…sure.  Let me get going and I’ll be back at ten.

Scene 2 – 10 am same day, same location, same people

PT – Alright Mad Dog, what have you got?

JM – It’s a short list but the candidates are all highly qualified.  First up we have Colonel Joshua Stebbins.  He was an FOB commander in Iraq.  He lead his men into battle and on patrol for three years.  He was wounded severely three times but always returned to action and never failed to inspire his men by taking the point on all hazardous assignments.  So much so that when he was injured his unit typically risked life and limb to rescue him and get him to medical attention.  He was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for single-handedly saving a school full of Iraqi children by knocking over a suicide bomber and holding him down until his vest went off.  Luckily most of the shrapnel was absorbed by bomber’s torso and the ground.

PT – Sounds kind of sentimental.  Not tough enough.  Pass.  Who’s next?

JM – Wow!  Okay, the next one is definitely tougher but less disciplined.  Sergeant Russell Burdens was a Special Forces operator in Afghanistan for five years.  He was finally discharged due to court martial conviction for excessive brutality while interrogating high level Taliban personnel during his operations behind enemy lines in Afghanistan and Pakistan.  He always achieved his mission objectives but the details of his reports horrified even the most callous Special Forces personnel that he worked with.  The final nail in the coffin was the discovery of his ear collection.

PT – Sounds like a pretty good fit but I’m not a big fan of ear collections.  Very unsanitary.  Put him in the maybe pile.  What else have you got?

JM – Maybe pile.  Okay, I’ve got one more candidate.  He’s a highly unsavory character and mentally unstable to say the least.  Hannibal Lector.

PT – You mean the Silence of the Lambs guy?  But he’s a fictional character.

JM – I thought so too.  But it turns out he’s real.  Apparently Harris based the book on the actual Lector and toned the events down in order to make it more believable.  The real Lector is much more dangerous than the fictional character.

PT – More dangerous than The Silence of the Lambs guy.  Sounds about right.  When can we get him in for an interview?

JM – He’s currently in a Maryland  insane asylum.  He’s  in a strait jacket, muzzle, leg shackles and  on a thorazine drip just to make him safe enough to work around.

PT – Well that’s not very convenient.  Can we arrange a Skype?

JM – I’ll get right on it.

PT – Yeah, see if we can make it happen for noon.  I have a half round scheduled this afternoon with the Prime Minister of Japan and I don’t want to keep him waiting.

JM – ……, Yes, Mr. President.

 

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 2

Trump vs the Silly Season

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office

 

PT – Mike.  Mike.  PENCE!!!!  Where the hell are you?

VPP – Right here Mr. President.

PT – Mike, I can’t take it anymore.  That rat Cohen talking to Mueller is the end.  I’ve got to pull the plug on that stiff.

VPP – Mr. President, that could be a disaster for the mid-terms.

PT – I don’t care.  I’ve had it with this nonsense.  Once I fire Mueller I’ll have him indicted six ways to Sunday for all kinds of crap we’ve already got on him and then I’ll be able to get going on important stuff like that bill to move the UN from New York to Newark.  It’s such a subtle difference in pronunciation that no one will notice until the carjackings start piling up.

VPP – But Jeff Sessions said he’d resign if you fire Mueller.

PT -Who cares?  He’s utterly useless.  I had to order him to discontinue Comey’s phone plan four times before he finally got around to it.  Besides I’ve got a great new Attorney General lined up already.  And he’s between gigs so we’ll get him cheap.  Steven Seagal.

VPP – But Mr. President, isn’t Steven Seagal under investigation for rape?

PT – He’s assured me that it’s fake news.  Besides he was a sheriff down in Texas so he knows about the law.  With him as the AG we’ll finally start cleaning out the swamp.  We’ve discussed what kind of prosecutions we can get against CNN reporters who try to ask questions without being picked by me to speak.  He figures that a ten-year sentence would be fair.

VPP – Wait, no!  You can’t do that.  Freedom of the Press is in the Bill of Rights.

PT – This has nothing to do with Freedom of the Press.  It’s about jumping ahead in a line.  No one likes a line jumper.  The American people hate a line jumper and they will applaud the punishing of line jumpers.  I’m hoping I can get that worm Jim Acosta to talk out of turn.  Seagal says he’ll personally make the arrest by body slamming Acosta to the ground and tossing him out of the ring, I mean the Press Briefing Room.

VPP – Mr. President, please trust me, there is no court in the country that would even consider prosecuting reporters for shouting out a question out of turn at a press conference.

PT – Mike that’s just the kind of defeatist thing that JEB! or Romney would say.  Now Seagal is due here in a couple of hours so be ready to brainstorm with us.

VPP – But I’m sure he’s about to be indicted.

PT – Fine.  I’ll just pardon him and we can move on.  Now we’re gonna want to decide whether to just fire the whole FBI or also terminate all those alphabet soup agencies, you know, the CIA, the NSA, blah, blah, blah.  You know clear out all those losers.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s impossible.  Those agencies are critical parts of the law enforcement and security apparatus.

PT – Mike, you sound a little hysterical.  I think you should take a few weeks off and see if this job is for you.  If you’re not up to the challenge I hear that Chuck Norris is between gigs, except for that infomercial for the exercise machine with Christy Brinkley and those other old losers.  We could probably get him cheap and he could help Seagal drag Acosta down to the lock-up.  I figure they could even rough him up a good bit before handing him over to the police.  Acosta has said some pretty mean things about me in the past.  It would serve him right if they tuned him up a little bit.

VPP – Sir, this is insane.

PT – Look Mike I’m bored.  Something’s got to give.  Either you figure out how to end this Mueller thing right away or I’m bringing in Seagal.

VPP – Very well, Mr. President.  Fire Mueller and accept Jeff Sessions’ resignation.  I guess we can trust to your luck to get us through the ensuing Impeachment Trial.

PT – That’s the spirit Mike.  After all Bill Clinton was impeached and it didn’t stop him did it?

VPP – Wow.  That’s a stunning sentiment.

PT – Cheer up Mike.  If worst comes to worst you’ll be President.  That won’t be so bad will it?

VPP – Actually Mr. President, after serving with you for the last year or so, I’m not sure I want to be President anymore.

PT – Suit yourself.  If Norris isn’t available there’s always Dolph Lundgren.  I hear he’s between gigs and we could probably get him cheap.  Oh wait he’s a russky that wouldn’t look good.

VPP – Actually he’s Swedish.  He just played a Russian in Rocky IV.

PT – Whatever.  Now get me Sly Stallone on the phone.  I hear he’s between gigs and we could get him to be FBI Director for almost nothing.

VPP – Oy vey.

The Incredibles 2 – A Science Fiction & Fantasy Movie Review

The trailer for this movie says it is fourteen years since the original Incredibles debuted.  That must be true but because at that time I had neither children nor grandchildren of an age to watch it I missed its appearance altogether.  Probably four or five years ago I read that it was probably the only Disney film of recent vintage without a truly ponderous social justice taint so I took it out and liked it.  I watched it with the grandkids and they really liked it too.  But when I saw the coming attractions for the sequel I was annoyed to find a bunch of blather about Mr. Incredible being relegated to Mr. Mom and Elasti-Girl (Mrs. Incredible) being the heroic superhero who earns the daily bread.  And so, it was with a certain amount of trepidation that I took Camera Girl and the two older grandsons to the dying local movie palace to see the film.

Well, my fears were unnecessary.  The movie is good.  By the necessity of a sequel being somewhat derivative by its very nature Incredibles 2 may not rate as highly by some measures and to some audiences.  I found it extremely enjoyable.  Aside from any measures of technical or visual excellence the story line is meager as expected for this genre but acceptable, the main characters retain their original charm and the interactions between the family members defines the heart of the movie.  It is a celebration of the traditional nuclear family.  Mr. Incredible is a 1950s Dad.  Elasti-Girl could be Donna Reed and the kids are the usual bundle of sibling rivalry, growing pains and mischief but whenever the chips are down the family pulls together to save the day and each other.

I’ll keep this short.  If you have kids or grandkids bring them to this movie.  And if you don’t, then go see it yourself.  You’ll have a good time.  My personal favorite scene in the movie is Mr. Incredible coming to terms with his kid’s “new math” homework.  His anguished cry of, “Why would they change math?”, brought back such memories of exactly the same scene in my home that I probably laughed out loud in the theater like an idiot.  Maybe there is still some hope for Disney.  I mean I doubt it, but at least they didn’t alter the characters.  They’re still who they were and still a lot of fun.

Trump vs The Big Boredom

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Melania Trump – (MT); photog – (PH)

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Presidential Living Quarters; President Trump and Melania sitting at the breakfast table

PT – Schmoopey, I’m telling you, I can’t take it anymore.

MT – Schmoopey, what is all this big deal about? What can you not take more of?

PT – Washington, I can’t stand this place anymore. It’s so boring. I’m ready to jump on Air Force One and go hang out with Putin.

MT – No, please Schmoopey do not. There are terrible women there who do not know what a shower is and so they wet the bed. Be wise. Stay far away from them.

PT – But I’ve got to do something or I’ll explode. Think of something.

MT – Can I call Vice Mike? He is a smart man.

PT – Nooo!!! He’s more boring than Crying Chuck Schumer. Maybe I should go see Bubba Clinton.

MT – You will not call that awful, awful man. The way he stared at me during your in-swearing made me think of the devil. Lying Hillary must be a witch to live with such a devil.

PT – Well then who is left?

MT – You must summon the photog.

PT – What, that loser? He’s no fun.

MT – But he knows about the boredom. He is after all poor.

PT – That’s true, I’ve seen the truck he drives. Sure, I’ll call him. If worst comes to worst I can have the Secret Service waterboard him, that might be fun.

MT – And you are smiling already!

Scene 2 – 8pm White House West Wing; Oval Office; President Trump sitting at desk, photog just entering the door.

PH – Here I am Mr. President.

PT – What the hell took you so long? I called for you ten hours ago.

PH – Mr. President, I was at work when you called. I didn’t get your call until I got back to my desk after a three-hour morning meeting.

PT – Desk? What about your cell phone?

PH – I don’t own one.

PT – For pity’s sake, what are you, Rip Van Winkle?

PH – They seem like an annoyance to me.

PT – Sure they’re annoying but how can you get anything done without one? How do you get your messages and read your tweets?

PH – Yeah, I manage to muddle through with a laptop and a land line. I don’t “tweet.”

PT – You’re like that frozen Neanderthal. They should put you in the American Museum of Natural History.

PH – Yes, that’s what they should do. Anyway, how can I help you.

PT – Well after finding out what a luddite you are I’m pretty sure you’re not the guy I should talk to about overcoming boredom. You’ve got snooze tattooed on your forehead in three inch letters.

PH – Well since you’ve already dragged me here why don’t we take a stab at it anyway. Why are you bored?

PT – What a stupid question! I’m bored because Washington is the most boring place on earth. Everybody is a phony and a liar and a loser.

PH – Actually that is true. Why don’t you get out of Washington once in a while and talk to some actual humans instead of Washington pod people?

PT – I can’t. The Secret Service keeps me penned up in here like a zoo animal.

PH – Well, they let you do those arena events where you talk to the crowd.

PT – Yeah, but that’s just me talking. I’m pretty much sick of hearing myself talk and tweet and everything else. I want to get some interesting talk.

PH – Hmmm. Well how about your voters? They’re an interesting group.

PT – photog, if you’re representative of them then I can’t afford to let them know just how much I despise them. For instance, I can barely restrain myself from having the Secret Service waterboard you just to shut you up.

PH – Thanks so much. Well look, the people who voted for you run the gamut from idiots to geniuses, saints to sinners, billionaires to bums. If you want to hear some interesting stuff figure out how to engage all these people in some communication with your government. You tweet, but that’s a few words at a time and it’s a one-way flow of information. You need something like your rallies but with some kind of messaging. Maybe a live stream event. If you can get a team to sift through the messages you’ll find a gold mine of interesting questions and suggestions. And you can craft answers to those questions and you’ll find that it will capture the imagination of the right wing if they feel like they can talk to the President. And you’ll have interesting things to talk about and you won’t be bored.

PT – You know, that’s not the stupidest idea I ever heard.

PH – So, do you think you’ll do it?

PT – Either that or nuke Sweden. It’s six of one, half dozen of the other.

PH – Wow. Well, is there anything else?

PT – No, you can go now. Don’t let the door hit you in the butt on the way out. But make sure you tell the Secret Service that the aterway oardingbay is ancelledcay.

PH – Good seeing you again too, Mr. President.

 

On a more local note I’ve been intrigued by the general dearth of comments.  Now this is my first blog so maybe it’s how it works but I’m curious, so I have a survey poll on it.  I’ll leave it on the next few posts and I look forward to the info I get.

Trump vs The Pensive Pence

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT);  Secretary Jim (Mad Dog) Mattis – (JM);  Vice President Pence – (VPP);  Attorney General Jeff Sessions – (JS);  Receptionist Patty – (RP)

 

Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Inside the Oval Office, President Trump at his desk.

PT – Mike.  Mike.  Pence!!!  Where the hell are you Pence?

(President Trump pressing the intercom switch)

PT – Patty, where the hell is Mike?

(The intercom replies)

RP – Mr. President, the Vice President hung up the phone on me when I called him up this morning.  He said, and I quote, “tell that lunatic I’m done,” unquote.

PT – What lunatic does he mean?

RP – I couldn’t say Mr. President.

PT – Okay Patty, get Mad Dog in here.

RP – Yes Mr. President.

(Secretary Mattis rushes into the Oval Office almost immediately).

PT – Mad Dog, what took you?

JM – I was caught in cross town traffic.

PT – Excuses.  Pence has cracked.  What can we do?

JM – Air strike, special forces extraction, black ops, wet work, several things.

PT – Hey Mattis, I make the jokes around here.  You’re the straight man.

JM – Well then, let’s just say I don’t handle psy-ops.  But if you want my opinion, tell him to resign.  It’s not like things are going to get easier anytime soon.

PT – And they say I’m the prick.

JM – All due respect Mr. President.

PT – Alright, get the hell out and send in Sessions.

(Mattis leaves and a few minutes later Jeff Sessions enters.)

JS – Mr. President, how can I help you?

PT – Jeff, we’ve got a problem.  Mike seems to have reached his limit.

JS – Mr. President, we’re all under enormous strain.  Maybe Mattis is right and you should encourage Mike to step down.

PT – Yeah but it’s different for Mike.  I’ve kept him out of the loop on a lot of what goes on behind the scenes so he won’t be vulnerable to attack by those psychopaths under you.  Because of that all this stuff looks completely fubar.  Plus I need him on deck in case they get me.

JS – Good points.  Alright, what do we do?

PT – I don’t know, I think I’ll try to talk him down off the ledge.  But I may need some shock and awe.  See if you can come up with a plan.

JS – I’ll get right on it.

 

Scene 2 – Same day, outside the Vice Presidential Mansion.  President Trump and two secret service agent standing in front of the door.  President Trump pushes the intercom button.

PT – Hey Mike.  It’s me.  Let me in and we’ll talk.

Mike Pence’s voice answers loudly through the intercom.

VPP – Go away.  I’ve got nothing to say.  I’m going on leave.  Leave any messages with my secretary.

PT – Oh come on Mike, this is important.  Where’s your sense of decorum?

VPP – Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

PT – Mike, are you okay?

(There’s no answer from the intercom and a minute later Mike Pence comes to the door.  He has a three day growth of beard and is wearing a sweat suit.)

VPP – Look you maniac, don’t you understand I’ve had all I can take.  Insulting volatile world leaders at the brink of nuclear confrontation, paying off porn actresses, endlessly quarreling with reporters, business leaders, Congress and your own employees.  Not a single day goes by that you don’t fire someone or threaten to fire someone.  You vacillate back and forth between contradictory positions on everything from gun control to tariffs to illegal immigration.  And then there’s the Mueller thing.  Which is it?  Are you going to fire him or is he going to send you to jail?  I have had it.  I’m starting to become psychotic myself.  So just leave me alone.  I’m taking a vacation and when I get back I’m going to resign.

PT – Hey you two guys go over by the car, I’ve got something to say to the vice President that you can’t hear.

(Secret Service agents move away.)

PT – Mike, everything you say is true.  Under a normal politician none of this stuff would be happening.  Most of the earlier Presidents like FDR, Kennedy and Bush Senior had their affairs hushed up by the FBI.  Only Clinton got outed because he was an outsider.  But in my defense all of my stuff is from way before I was in the White House.  And other than you, there’s probably no one in Washington who doesn’t have his skeletons.

VPP – Well, actually that’s true Mr. President, but…

PT – And with respect to Kim Jung Un and Assad, wouldn’t you say that my approach, while bombastic is actually more effective and honest than what the last four Presidents have done?

VPP –Well yes, I guess that’s true, but…

PT – And with respect to quarreling with leftists, was the appeasement that W or his father employed more or less successful than my confrontational style?

VPP – Well sure, but…

PT – And has my stutter step rhetoric made it possible for me to more or less avoid some of the traps like the Dreamer Bill and any major compromises on the budget?

VPP – Yeah, but…

PT – And as far as firing people, wouldn’t you admit, considering what we’re doing right now, that working for me can’t be done by many people and leads to high attrition?

VPP – Huhh.  Hmm.  You’ve got a point.

PT – Look Mike.  I’m not pretending that I’m normal.  I am a maniac as you said.  But when you have to kill cancer you don’t use chamomile tea and sugar.  You use radiation and deadly poison.  Think of me as chemotherapy.  And if I fail the patient dies.  The country dies.  So cut me some slack will you?

VPP – Sorry Mr. President, I guess I lost my nerve.

PT – No were right.  This is no country for old men.  But there are some perks too.

VPP – What do you mean?

PT – Well I had Sessions look into some kind of small win for our side, something to cheer you up.  He found some more dirt on McCabe and we got him to turn on some of his old buddies at the Bureau.  That may be what I need to get Mueller to call it quits.

VPP – Very rational and measured it sounds to me.  Good work Mr. President.

PT – Yeah, and he’s agreed to appear in a dunk tank on tv and let the All Star pitching staff dunk him up to ten times in jalapeno sauce dressed in a speedo with the words I’m a ratfink liar stenciled on his chest.

VPP – Well it’s a start.