Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Jeff Sessions (JS); Mark Zuckerberg (MZ); Larry Page – (LP); Lynnette “Diamond” Hardaway – (LDH); Rochelle “Silk” Richardson – (RSR);
Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Monday 8 am. Inside the Oval Office President Trump is at his desk and his receptionist is speaking over the intercom
PT – What is it Patty, you know I don’t like to be disturbed while reading Orion’s Cold Fire at breakfast. I find his blend of good natured Trump ribbing and incisive political analysis is just the thing to start my day off great.
(voice over intercom) – I’m sorry Mr. President but I’ve got Diamond and Silk on the line and they’re very upset.
PT – Put them through Patty, I’ll set this straight right now.
LDH – Are you there President Donald Trump?
PT – I am Diamond.
RSR – Hello President Donald Trump.
PT – Hello Silk. It is so good to hear from both of you.
LDH – Well we wish it was a happier occasion Mr. President but we are calling to ask for your help.
PT – What has gotten you two upset?
RSR – Mr. President, it’s that Facebook nerd, that Zuckerberg. He’s rippin us off.
LDH – Yeah, he shut down our site. And that other weasel Larry Page from Google shut down our YouTubes on “The Viewers View.” We are losing substantial coin.
PT – Diamond and Silk, this is an outrage. Why would they do this?
RSR – They said that we are “Unsafe to Community” and that the shutdown is irrevocable.
LDH – Mr. President we know they are doing this to get at you. Please help us.
PT – Diamond and Silk, do not worry. This outrage will not stand.
RSR – Thank you Mr. President, you truly are the greatest President.
PT – Yes, Silk I truly am. Now, I’ll be in touch with news very soon. And don’t worry. The full power of the United States government and all its employees will be working on nothing else but this problem until it is solved.
LDH & RSR – Thanks you President Trump. (hang up).
PT – (President Trump hits a button on his phone and starts to talk) – Sessions get up here right now. And don’t give me any of that crap about cleaning out the FBI. A snail would cover more ground than you have.
Scene 2 – Later that same day. White House audio-visual studio. President Trump is standing in front of two teleconferencing screens with images of Mark Zuckerberg and Larry Page visible. Jeff Sessions standing to the side.
PT – Zuckerberg, Page, I want to know why you two idiots are harassing those two women. Surely you internet geniuses have better things to do than persecute a couple of African American sisters from North Carolina.
MZ – Donald, the suspension is irrevocable. An algorithm made the decision and as you know computers are never wrong. (disappears from the screen)
LP – Donald, the kind of hate speech that they employ is too hurtful to ever appear on YouTube. We cannot be swayed. Have a googley good day. (also breaks the connection).
PT – (mumbling under his breath) Donald, huh.
JS – How would you like to proceed Mr. President.
PT – Get the warrants and set up the live stream for 8pm tonight.
Scene 3 – 8pm that night. White House audio-visual studio. President Trump is sitting behind a desk. Television equipment is set up.
PT – Hello everyone on the World Wide Web I interrupt your porn viewing for a very important message. Earlier this evening agents of the Justice Department, the honest ones that is, under a court order shut down Facebook, Twitter and Google. An investigation concluded that they were in violation of anti-discrimination against women and African Americans. Of course, they were also discriminating against millions of straight white men too but, of course, that’s legal.
After signing off on a consent decree these companies will be re-opened. And to make sure things don’t get off on the wrong foot I’ve had the Justice Department make some changes to their Boards of Directors. I’ve reduced their other members and added Diamond, Silk and James Damore to each of the boards. We anticipate no more problems going forward. Okay, that’s all. You can go back to your porn you losers.