Trump vs the Undead

Donald Trump (DT)  Hey Bannon!  Where’s my Deadpool suit? I left it on this chair five minutes ago and now it’s gone.  We’ve got a thief around here.  Call Christie.  He used to be a cop or a judge or something.

Campaign Chief Executive Stephen Bannon (SB)  No Mr. Trump.  It wasn’t stolen.  I had it put in the closet.

(DT)  You stole my costume?  Whose side are you on?  Even Rosie O’Donnell never stole my stuff.  And she’s the worst person in the world you know.

(SB)  Governor Christie called me about your George Washington Bridge plan.  I told the Secret Service and they stopped all the arrangements you were making.  Mr. Trump you realize how dangerous and irresponsible your plan is don’t you?

(DT)  Relax.  It was gonna be done with CGI.  You know. Green screen (or blue screen or sun screen or something).  Come on Bannon we’re behind in this race.  We’ve gotta shake things up.  Start thinking outside the box.  That’s why I hired you.

(SB)  Well CGI is okay but I think we need to do something a little less uhhh … symbolic and a little more focused.

(DT)  Well then, you come up with something and hurry up.  I hate to be behind that old bag of bones.

(SB)  Bag of bones?  Hmmm.  I think I’ve got an interesting idea. All of Hillary’s recent health problems, the coughing, the spastic tics, the cackle, the slips and falls, could be explained if we found out that she had died years ago during that surgery for her broken elbow back in 2009.

(DT)  But if she died what is she doing walking around?

(SB)  Exactly.  The walking dead.  We’ll locate a doctor who can explain how the Hillary beast could have been re-animated using either black magic or some kind of zombie elixir. Then we’ll get some legal scholars to show that once she died and was revived her age reset to newborn and therefore she’s too young to fulfill the minimum age limit for president.

(DT)  And they say I’m crazy.  Do you seriously believe anyone is gonna buy the idea that Hillary is seven years old.  I mean, come on!  Look at her.  She’s a gargoyle.

(SB)  All right.  If you don’t like zombie how about vampire?  She always seems to be covered with make-up.  That could be to protect her skin from bursting into flames in the sunlight.  It would explain why she couldn’t stay out at the World Trade Center.  And it would account for her new vehicle.  Obviously she’s keeping a coffin full of the dirt of her homeland in the car to revive her after the weakening effects of the sun.  That explains why an hour later she was revived.  How’s that for thinking outside the “box?”

(DT)  Actually, I could believe that one.  But are you sure that will help me?  I hear kids actually empathize with vampires in stories nowadays.

(SB)  Actually more of them sympathize with werewolves than with vampires.  It would be Team Donald versus Team Hillary and we’d mop the floor with them.  We could establish that you were bitten by a werewolf while helping out down in Louisiana and now you sprout thick hair during the full moon and devour illegal aliens you run across.

(DT)  Sprout thick hair?  Hmm.  Maybe this werewolf thing isn’t as bad as it sounds.  Seems like there could be some advantages.  Could I tape some of my campaign commercials during my good hair, I mean werewolf phase?

(SB)  Well Mr. Trump I’m no expert on lycanthropy but once you transform I believe the only thing you’ll be able to do is rip people to shreds.

(DT)  Interesting.  Bannon I have a side job for you to take care of.  I want you to set up a media event.  Hire Rosie O’Donnell to debate me on air during the full, I mean next week.  Offer whatever she wants, but don’t pay upfront.  And take out the usual double indemnity policy on her.  I just have this feeling.

(SB)  Mr. Trump, come on, you’re not a werewolf.

(DT)  Bannon, while I was down in Louisiana we had a little incident with something they call a Loup Garou.  Know what that is?

(SB) Yes.

(DT)  Good.  Go call Rosie.

(SB)  Okay Mr. Trump.  I’m assuming we won’t actually broadcast this meeting.  That might negatively impact the campaign.

(DT)  Definitely not.  Just keep a copy of the video for my private use.  Oh and be sure to leave some floss and a toothbrush at the studio.  She looks like she could be kinda tough.

(SB)  Certainly Mr. Trump.  All will be arranged as you want.

(DT)  See now I know I was right hiring you.  You’re a very reasonable man.