Trump vs the One Pump in a Potted Palm Chump

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Sean Hannity – (SH); Charlie Rose – (CR); Matt Lauer – (ML); Harvey Weinstein – (HW); Tom Brokaw – (TB)

 

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office

PT – Mike.  Mike.  PENCE!!!!  Where the hell are you?

VPP – Right here Mr. President.  What seems to be the problem now?

PT – I’ve got a text message from Sean Hannity saying the fake news boys want to have a secret conference with me.

VPP – That seems fairly unusual.  I’d suspect some kind of trap.

PT – You’re too suspicious Mike.  But if I do have them here I’ll make sure the Secret Service uses cavity searches and their new cosmic ray scan.  That should fry any electronics they’re hiding and their brains and gonads.  But since they have neither there shouldn’t be a problem.

VPP – Very prudent sir.  But please show particular restraint in what you say.  They are not your friends.

PT – Duh.  Set up the White House bunker and go over the details with Hannity.  I’ve got a movie date with the First Lady.  We’re getting an advance screening of Deadpool 2.  It’s gonna be epic.  I’m gonna wear my costume.

VPP – Oh good.

Scene 2 – 10 pm, White House bunker;  A room half full of journalists and the President entering with his Secret Service Detail.

SH – Thanks for taking time out for these Media celebrities Mr President.  They were very anxious to meet with you.

PT – Sean, what the hell are you talking about?  These aren’t celebrities.  They’re disgraced losers.  Just look at them.  They’re all wearing track suits and I don’t think any of them has showered this month.  Now I’m feeling bad for the Secret Service guys who had to administer the cavity searches.

SH – In many ways you are right but please hear them out.  They’ve really suffered a lot and they need your help.

PT – Sean, you’re really starting to slip.  Well tell them to make it snappy.  I have to have the Deadpool 2 disc back in three hours and I want to watch it again.

SH – Yes, Mr. President.

PT – Alright Brokaw, what do you want?

TB – Mr. President, don’t you think it’s unjust for a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist such as myself to be hounded from the newsroom by the #metoo movement while a proven philanderer and solicitor of prostitutes such as yourself is allowed to keep the highest office in the land and wield the almost god-like power of the nuclear button?

PT – No!  Next.

TB – Hey, you can’t …

PT – Toss him on the street and don’t be gentle.  (Brokaw is noisily manhandled out of the room by the Secret Service)

PT – Next.  Alright Charlie Rose, what’s your story?

CR – Mr. President. If you’ll make a few phone calls and set up a spot for me on Fox I can guarantee that you’ll be my first interview.  Now my journalistic integrity won’t permit me to overlook your racist positions on immigration and affirmative action but if you show sufficient contrition and agree to appointing Hillary Clinton to your cabinet as Attorney General I can guarantee to at least keeping an open mind about endorsing you in 2020 or at least treating you like John McCain, you know mild disdain.

PT – Rose you’re the creepiest looking dude since that guy on Tales from the Crypt.  You give gropers a bad name.  Guys don’t just rough him up.  Water board him for a week or two.   (Rose is dragged away whining morosely as usual)

PT – Next!  What about you Lauer?

ML – You know I’ve changed my mind.  I’m gonna quit while I’m ahead.

PT – Yeah, well, bye.  Give my regards to Savannah and Hoda.  Oh, that’s right, they don’t take your calls anymore, pervert. (Lauer is escorted out of the room)

PT – Well, Weinstein, you’re the only one left.  But you’re not even a journalist.  Why are you here?

HW – Mr. President, I’m not a journalist, I’m a business man just like you.  And as a fellow businessman you know how unfair it is to mix business and personal life when business decisions are made.  And because of that I want you to grant me a presidential pardon and get the Hollywood Commission to reinstate me at the Weinstein Company.  If you do this for me I’ll donate generously to your campaign fund and I’ll see to it that many beautiful starlets are available for, let us say, private conferences.

PT – Harvey, you potted plant polluter, there are no words to describe my disgust at your lack of class.  Let’s face it, the way you look, you should have been honest enough to admit to yourself that all your sex would be on a cash basis.  Guys, just get him out of here as quickly as possible and make sure all the vegetable life in the White House has been disinfected before the First Lady wakes up tomorrow.  (Weinstein is given the bum’s rush out the door)

PT – Hannity I have half a mind to ban you from the White House for a year.  What made you think I had anything to say to these losers?

SH – Well Mr. President, not to put too fine a point on it, I assumed that your treatment at the hands of the Pussy Hat brigade would make you at least somewhat sympathetic toward their plight.  After all, how different are you from them?

PT – Sean, that is the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.  The difference between them and me is they don’t understand women.  I do.  They try to coerce women who work for them into doing what they don’t want to do.  I only want women who are convinced I’m the best deal they’ll ever find.

SH – What about Stormy Daniels?

PT – That was just a pit stop.  And besides nobody twisted her arm, or anything else if I recall correctly.  So Sean, the next time you get a call from one of these guys, just hang up and dip the phone in Lysol.

SH – Yes Mr. President, sorry Mr. President.

Trump vs the Unemployables

Scene 1: White House Oval Office Wednesday, 10 a.m.

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike!  Where the hell are you Pence?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Right here as usual Mr. President (sigh).

PT – Look Mike, Unemployment is at historic lows but there is one demographic that isn’t benefiting from the fantastic Trump economy.

VPP – Gee, Mr. President, I haven’t heard this report.  Which demographic are we discussing.

PT – The anti-Trump demographic.  You know, Hollywood, the MSM and Washington.  I mean look at this list.  Matt Lauer, George H.W. Bush, Chris Savino, Roy Price, Mark Halperin, Michael Oreskes, Lockhart Steele, Bret Ratner, Dustin Hoffman, Louis C.K., Woody Allen, Charlie Rose, Al Franken, John Conyers, Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, James Toback, Ben Affleck and Glenn Thrush.  It’s an endless list of my loser enemies.

VPP – Well sir, is it really a priority to find jobs for such obviously wealthy individuals?

PT – You’re missing the point Mike.  These cheap bastards are probably already signed up for food stamps and Obamacare.  We can’t let them free-ride on the backs of decent working Americans.  I will address this on prime-time television tonight.  Get my speech writers in here right away.

VPP – Yes Mr. President.

Scene 2: Same Day, 8pm, White House, Oval Office, President seated behind desk and surrounded by audio-visual equipment.

PT – Good evening my fellow Americans.  I know I’ve pre-empted Big Bang Theory or whatever it is you watch now but I need your attention, so put the bong down and try to focus.

I know you are all aware of the almost endless list of #metoo pervs.  What you may not be aware of is that almost everyone of them are my personal enemies.  Well anyway, I’ve decided that I shouldn’t waste an opportunity.  With all these scumbags out of work and fighting enormous lawsuits I have decided to promote a new program FEET.  That stands for full employment for the enemies of Trump.  You see the “for,” “the” and “of” aren’t included in the acronym.  That’s pretty standard.

So how it will work is that in exchange for the federal government paying off their lawsuits and keeping them out of prison they’ll be interned at a work camp in North Dakota for five years.  There they’ll spend their days providing power for the oil derricks.  I don’t have any real information yet but I’m imagining they’ll be chained to a big wheel like that one that Arnold Schwarzenegger was turning in Conan the Barbarian.  That would be kind of cool and the walking around in a circle gives the whole FEET thing a tie-in.  And they’ll spend their nights cleaning toilets and spittoons in the shale oil patch saloons and strip joints.  And I’ve given the proprietors of those establishments specific instructions if any of our boys gets out of hand with the ladies there.  Let’s just say there will be some trans-gendering that won’t have to be paid for by the federal government, if you take my meaning.  And finally, as a condition of their service they will have to take 5,000 hours of Trump harassment training.  Utilizing the latest advances in high voltage aversion training techniques they will truly learn to love the “Dear Leader” as my short fat North Korean friend would phrase it.

Okay, that’s all, you can light up another bowl of weed now.  But for pity’s sake go to work tomorrow.  We’re trying to make America great again.  Do something!  Trump out.

 

Since my readers don’t always stop by every day I figured I’d paste this poll on each post for a while to see what folks call themselves.  This is the post the poll came from  Who Are We?

… And that got me thinking. Who are the people who read my blog?  I thought it might be fun to see what the cross-section looked like.  If you feel like saying what you believe in, feel free to leave a comment and/or pick a label from the poll below.  I think it might be interesting.

 

Coming Soon
Total Votes : 55