Trump vs The FBI

Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT), Vice President Pence (VPP), First Lady Melania Trump (MT), Karen Pence (KP), TV Announcer who sounds like Don Pardo (TVAWSLDP)

 

Scene 1 – White House Oval Office; Tuesday, 4pm;

 

PT – Mike.  Mike!  PENCE!!!!  Where the hell are you Mike?

(Mike Pence rushes through door.)

VPP – Mr. President, for Pete’s sake!  I was just on the phone with Robert Mueller.  Alright, what can I do for you?

PT – Hey, take it down a notch Mike.  Remember you work for me.

VPP – Actually Mr. President, like you, I was elected by and work directly for the American people.  You can’t fire me.

PT – Hmmm, I’ll look into that.  Anyway, I was calling you to find out how that conversation with Mueller went.

VPP – Actually, it went very well.  He hasn’t got me on his list of interviewees.

PT – Well, aren’t you special Mike!  But don’t get any ideas about succession plans.  I’m going to be here and if you want to be part of the second term you’ll keep your nose clean and help me get some work done.

VPP – Naturally Mr. President.

PT – So what did he want?  I mean beside buttering you up.

VPP – He was cross-checking some statements that James Comey made against what was reported in the Congressional Committee report last week.

PT – Good.  I hope that dope Mueller finally gets off the dime and jails these criminals in the FBI and Justice Department that were spying on me.

VPP – Well, Mr. President, it’s not as easy as you make it sound.  Investigator Mueller will need to document criminal behavior and then obtain a Grand Jury indictment before a trial is possible.

PT – Oh wake up.  All he has to do is get these losers into that interrogation room.  You know the one.  The one with the old table and chairs.  The one where Sipowicz always roughed them up to get a confession back on NYPD Blue.  I always remember how he would close the blinds and take off his gun and badge and then beat them up for a while before they cracked.  Boy, that guy knew his stuff.

VPP – Oh, for the love of Mike!  Mr. President, that’s a TV cop show.  Investigator Mueller is not going to rough up James Comey to coerce a confession.  And even if he did, it’s illegal and the evidence would be thrown out of court and Mueller would be indicted for doing it.

PT – You know Mike, you’re making it very difficult for me to imagine you as President.  You don’t seem to want to win.

VPP – Mr. President, focus!  We are going to have to coordinate many facets of the Russian investigation and the FBI investigation in a measured way to avoid the type of media coverage that damages our ability to control the message.  You can’t expect us to indulge in banana-republic or fictional law enforcement tactics.  We must be sober and above reproach.

PT – Fine. Do it your way.  But I’m starting to think this whole thing is going nowhere.  I mean, why even bother to have a witch hunt if you don’t get to burn some witches?

VPP – But, oh never mind.  Mr. President, I’ve got to go.

PT – Whatever.

(Mike Pence leaves the scene.  President Trump sits down at the Oval Office desk and starts to type something on his computer.  Melania Trump enters the room.)

MT – Schmoopy, what did you say to Mike.  He is so sad.  I thought he would have cried!

PT – Me Schmoopy? Why I was just discussing the Justice Department business.  I thought he was very happy.  I didn’t say anything.  He must just be nervous or something.  You know how nervous people from the mid-west are. Very, very nervous.

MT – I think you yelled at him like you did to that poor Crying Chuck and made him cry.  That was very sad.  And he told that sad story about the crying statue and it was very sad.  You should not make ladies cry not even lady statues.  It is too sad.

PT – But wait, no, that wasn’t true.  Lyin’ Chuck was crying, I mean Cryin’ Chuck was lying.  Statues don’t cry.

MT – Yes, they do.  In my village there was a statue of the Virgin Mary that cried many times.

PT – Yes, but that was a miracle.  Cryin’ Chuck isn’t a saint.  He’s a Democrat which makes him an atheist.  You shouldn’t believe him.

MT – Well, okay Schmoopy, but I think you made Mike sad.  You must fix this right away.  Mike is a good friend and we need him to help you from not going the kooky.

PT – But I don’t go the kooky, I mean go kooky.  Schmoopy you have to leave these important government matters to me.  I am a very stable genius you know.

MT – Please Schmoopy, say you are sorry to Mike and bring him to Arby’s for some good roast beef.  Please, please!

PT – Maybe you’re right Schmoopy, I’ll talk to him.  He is a good friend.

 

Scene 2 The Vice-Presidential Residence.  Tuesday 8pm

(VP Pence sitting in his living room watching Wheel of Fortune while eating a tv dinner, his wife Karen is bringing in a can of beer.)

KP – Here’s your PBR dear.

VPP – Thanks hon.  You wouldn’t believe what that maniac said today.

KP – Oh Mike, let’s not talk about work tonight.  It’ll only upset you.

VPP – Alright, but I tell you, sometimes I feel like telling him what I really think.

(suddenly an announcer, who sounds a lot like the late Don Pardo, breaks into the broadcast)

TVAWSLDP – We interrupt this boring game show to bring you a message from the President of the United States.

PT – My fellow Americans I come to bring you important information.  Yes, I know you want continue drugging yourself into imbecility but drop the bong and try to concentrate.  Earlier today I was talking to Vice President Pence.

VPP – Oh great Scott.

PT – I told him I wanted to get Jim Comey in one of those interrogation rooms with the old table and chairs.  You know the ones I mean.  And I wanted to Sipowicz him.  That’s modern cop-talk for slappin’ him around.  But that was wrong.  Comey was a cop himself. He wouldn’t have been fooled into confessing.  Vice President Pence knew this and said so.  But it ticked me off.  And I said some not so nice things to him.  The First Lady let me know I was wrong and so I thought about what I should do.  What I did was go on Twitter and offer a fifty-million-dollar reward to anyone who could confirm that Jim Comey was lying about all the Russian stuff and blabbing to the newspapers about all that stuff.  Well, as luck would have it three different FBI agents provided video tape of Comey committing all kinds of offenses.  It was sort of an America’s Funniest Home Videos of Treason.  So now Investigator Mueller has agreed to prosecute Comey and then close his investigation before I find something on him.  Boy, it’s great to be rich.

But all that is beside the point.  The main thing is I was mean to a friend.  Mike Pence is a good guy.  He isn’t crooked like Hillary or a liar like Ted or a crybaby like Chuck.  He’s a good guy who comes to work on time with a clean shirt and combed hair. That hair may be a little short and white but it’s definitely neat.  He’s always polite to people and he doesn’t try to stab you in the back.  He’s a little too nice for the killer stuff but that’s why I have Mad Dog.  So Mike I’m sorry.  Now stop sulking like a little girl and come back to work.  We can even go to Arby’s tomorrow, my treat.  Trump out.

KP – Oh, wasn’t that nice.  He said he was sorry.  I’ll have to thank Melania for telling him to do that.

VPP – Karen, better put the beer back in the fridge.  I’m going to need the Jack Daniels instead, no water.

KP – Yes dear.

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 2

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 1  Note: this is a link to the first installment of this story.

 

Dramatis Personae:

President Trump (PT)

Sargeant at Arms (SAA)

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (PR)

Toffee Bredwell – An upper class British journalist from the BBC (TB)

Newt Gingrich (NG)

Melania Trump (MT)

 

Scene 1: US Capitol Building, 8:45 pm, directly before the State of the Union Address

 

TB – Good evening everyone and welcome to the BBC coverage of the American Presidential State of the Union Address.  I’m your reporter Toffee Bredwell and with me here is former Speaker of the American House of Representatives, the Honorable Newton Gingrich.  Welcome Mr. Speaker or may I call you Newt?

NG – Certainly Toffee, all my friends call me Newt.

TB – Thanks.  Now as a former Speaker of the House you are intimately familiar with the protocol, let’s call it the nuts and bolts of this event.  Can you share a little insight with our listeners about how this evening will progress?

NG – Well, normally the members of the administration and the Supreme Court will be announced by the Deputy Sergeant at Arms and when The President arrives at the Chamber door the Sergeant at Arms announces him to the Speaker.  This is followed by a long walk filled with cheers and handshaking and embraces and when the President reaches the Rostrum the Speaker announces him to the Congress and after another lengthy round of applause the President begins his address.  And during the address depending on the particular subject and the party of each of the attendees there could be applause, stony silence or recently even some booing.  In fact, during one of then President Obama’s addresses, a Congressman shouted out “You lie!”

TB – Oh dear, how embarrassing.  Do you expect we’ll experience any such breaches of civility tonight?

NG – Well Toffee, unless I miss my guess, I think we might see something a little more exciting tonight.  Let’s just hope there won’t be any fisticuffs.

TB – Quite.  So, I can see that the Sergeant at Arms is positioning himself so let’s shift over to the floor microphone.

SAA – Mister Speaker, the President of the United States!

TB – Well Mr. Speaker, you weren’t exaggerating.  What a terrific up swelling of applause and ovation for this President.  These congresspersons certainly love this President.

NG – Oh, far from it, Toffee.  Most of these people despise Donald Trump but he’s just initiated a gigantic uptick in economic growth.  Something that hasn’t been seen since Ronald Reagan.  As long as he’s the stronger horse they’ll applaud.  If things turn sour the knives will quickly come out.

TB – Ah, it’s good to see politics are the same everywhere.  Well, it looks like Speaker Ryan is about to introduce the President to Congress.  Let’s go to the Rostrum microphone and we’ll return after the address to review the high points.

PR – Members of Congress, I have the high privilege and distinct honor of presenting to you the President of the United States.

(Long and loud applause.)

PT – Thank you Mr. Speaker.  Thank you, Paul.  It feels strange to be thanking you Paul.  Up until the tax overhaul bill I was ready to write you off as a total loss.  I was going to have you primaried by some kind of radical and who knows maybe you wouldn’t have made it.  But now I’m almost fond of you.  You’re still a spineless weasel but you’re my spineless weasel, so you’ve got that going for you which is nice.  And Mitch McConnell, what can I say?  You’re like some kind of petrified fossil that exists outside of the world we live in.  It doesn’t seem possible that anything as weird as you could still exist but you do.  If we could replace you with an animatronic character like a talking walrus or porcupine I believe it would increase our popularity with the voters but anyway I can’t be too mad at you either because of the tax bill.

Now, you Democrats are a different story.  You all are without a doubt the lowest form of pond scum to ever successfully masquerade as human beings.  Every time I think you’ve hit the ethical bottom you somehow dig a little deeper and go even lower.  Let’s take for instance Dick Durbin.  His lying double-crossing behavior at the DACA meeting has convinced me that if I saw Dick Durbin and a Great White Shark in the waters off of Mar a Lago I’d immediately warn … the shark!  And don’t get me started on Pelosi and Schumer.  The way people are leaving California and New York, pretty soon their own votes will be sufficient to guarantee their re-elections.  That’s right Cryin’ Chuck, the Statue of Liberty is crying over your lousy party’s inept governing of both the City and State of New York.

But it’s not all bad, I want to congratulate Al Franken for striking out for women’s rights.  He harassed enough women to ensure that a woman would replace him.  Quite a tribute.  And I’d also like to congratulate Maxine Waters for being so crazy that she now makes Rosie O’Donnell seem sane in comparison.  When Maxine said she wasn’t a Millennial but used to be I think she meant that she was born in 1000 AD.  That would explain her looks and the fact that she mostly speaks gibberish.  Back then English really hadn’t been invented yet so everyone sounded like she does.  And I know I shouldn’t make fun of a woman’s looks but honestly Maxine is so ugly she makes Pelosi and Hillary look decent by comparison.

And I’d like to thank the press for being so dishonest.  By lying at every turn you’ve made my job so much easier.  At this point I can almost guarantee that anything I say will be disputed by you folks in such ridiculous terms that even the least intelligent person will be able to tell you’re lying.  You’ve become an exaggerated parody of yourselves.  Well done and congratulations for ensuring the long tem demise of your own jobs.

And I’d like to thank all those federal judges both at the Circuit and Supreme Court level who keep usurping the constitutional power of elected officials.  You only make it easier for me to get the electorate to understand why I need to replace as many of you as I possibly can.

I’m going to take a short break while the Secret Service frog marches the Secret Society of Comey, McCabe, Strozk and Mueller down the center aisle on their way to the hoosegow but before I do I’d just like to give a shout out to one of our guests in the gallery.  I’d like to  welcome Miss Stormy Daniels coming and for confirming that I have not had sex with her.  But if I had she knows it would be the best sex she’s ever had and that my hands are ample and highly capable.

MT – Kurba!

PT – And Melania welcomes you too.  Trump out.

(Returning to the BBC broadcast location)

NG – Hello and welcome back BBC listeners.  This is former Speaker Newt Gingrich again.  Unfortunately, Toffie Bredwell has passed out.  Apparently kurba is Slovenian for whore and that was just too much for Toffie.  Stay tuned and I’m sure he’ll revive before the President continues on with the substantive portion of his speech.  But first a word from our sponsor.

 

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 3