Trump vs the Bad Boy Image

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Robert Mueller – (RM); Chuck Schumer – (CS), Melania Trump – (MT)

Scene 1 – White House Oval Office 8am Monday, President Trump is standing at the doorway shouting in his typical way.

 

PT – Mike. Mike, Mike!  Pence, where the hell are you?

VPP – Right here Mr. President! Now, how can I be of assistance?

PT – Mike, have you seen my popularity numbers? They’re through the roof.

VPP – Well, Rasmussen says you are up 5 points to 50%.

PT – Exactly. Don’t you see what this means?  They loved the porn star thing.  I’ve got to do something to capitalize on this.

VPP – Sir, didn’t that working over the First Lady gave your face and other areas suffice to deter you from any further extra-marital activities?

PT – Relax, Holy Roller, I’m not talking about the skirts. I mean real fun.  Don’t you see?  This 5% must be men all over America who never have a bit of fun.  They’re living vicariously through me.  Whenever I do something that they wish they could do but can’t, they get a kick out of it and like me even better.  So all I have to do is have a little fun and my poll numbers will be stratospheric.

VPP – And you don’t see how this can go wrong?

PT – Exactly.

VPP – Very well, I’ll call the legal team in today and have them start working up the cover stories.

PT – That’s the spirit little guy. Well, I’m off to give Chuck Schumer a hot foot.

VPP – God speed Mr. President, God speed.

 

Scene 2 – Same week; Up flash a series of whirling headlines on fake newspaper front pages; “Trump puts whoopee cushion under Pope,” “Trump teepees Jerry Brown’s Earth Day Observance,” Trump gives Shia LeBeof an atomic wedgey,” “Trump suspected of giving Robert DeNiro double noogies and a severe Indian Burn.”

 

Scene 3 – Inside Chuck Schumer’s Senate Minority Leader’s Office – Schumer behind his desk and Robert Mueller standing above him looking tall, grave and thin.

 

CS – I tell you Mueller you’ve got to put a stop to this reign of terror that Trump is inflicting on us. Nancy Pelosi would be inconsolable if she weren’t already completely incoherent.

RM – Mr. Senate Minority Leader Schumer, what can I do? None of these offenses in and of itself rises to the level of treason.   Only the House can bring impeachment charges up and the republicans, as gutless as they are, won’t do it because they’re more afraid of getting a swirlee from Trump than even of getting voted out.

CS – Well, I simply can’t take this anymore (beginning to tear up and sniffle), it’s too much.

RM – Please Mr. Senate Minority Leader Schumer, pull yourself together. I’ll do what I can.

CS – (sniff, sniff) Thanks Bob.

 

Scene 4 – White House Oval Office 8am Thursday, President Trump is leaning on his desk smiling and talking to the Vice President.

 

PT – Yeah Mike, my poll numbers are hovering in the low nineties. Even the Democrats are loving this stuff.  Look  (holding up some underwear) Maureen Dowd even sent me her laudary.

VPP – Oh, Mr. President, now really!

PT – Relax, Aunt Amelia, I had them steam cleaned and checked for polonium.

VPP – But where will this all end, sir?

PT – Who cares? I’m thinking of having the CIA kidnap Kim Jong-un, shave his head and paint it blue and tie him up naked inside the girl’s locker room.  And next week me and Putin are gonna steal Trudeau’s lunch money and tell him to stop hitting himself.

(just then the phone rings, President Trump puts it on speaker)

PT – Trump here, go!

MT – (her voice coming over the speaker) Schmoopey, what have you been up to this week?

PT – Nothing Schmoopey, I swear! That Dowd skank sent that laundry over to set me up, I swear!

MT – No Schmoopey, I don’t mean the Dowd panties. Those are not your fault.  I mean why have you been mean to the other children?  Crying Chuck’s Mom was over and she was very sad.  She said you were mean to her little boy and she wants you to stop.  And all the other moms called up and said the same thing.

PT – Schmoopey, you don’t understand. The world is a vicious horrible place where only the strong survive.  It’s kill or be killed.

MT – Well if you’re not going to play nice with the other kids then you’re not getting a story tonight.

PT – Oh, sure they tell on me and I get in trouble. You don’t think Cryin’ Chuck does bad stuff?  And what about Crooked Hillary and Dirty Bill?  Why don’t they get in trouble?

MT – Because they’re not my Schmoopey and they don’t get the best stories in the world.

PT – Fine I’ll stop. But ya know, now I probably will fall into the fifties in the polls again.  And the democrats will win the mid-terms.

MT – No they won’t. You are the best President Schmoopey.  You know you will win anyway.  Just play nice.

PT – Okay fine. Now that you’ve embarrassed me in front of Mike can I go?

MT – Oh, hi Michael Pence I did not know that you were there.

VPP – That’s okay Mrs. Trump, always a pleasure.

MT – Goodbye Mike, goodbye Schmoopey. (hangs up).

PT – Alright Mike. I guess back to the drawing board.  How about we just abolish the IRS?

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 3)

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 2)

 

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT), Vice President Pence – (VPP), Melania Trump – (MT), Jay Leno – (JL)

Scene 1 – Air Force One – Midway between Washington and Los Angeles.  President Trump and Vice President Pence.  Thursday 2pm EDT.

PT – Mike, it’s go time.  The First Lady has left the White House and the Secret Service says she’s going to see a divorce attorney and a really good one too.

VPP – Mr. President, I don’t see what you can do now.  You’ll just have to let events take their course.

PT – No mike, no.  I must win her back.  It would be a crushing blow for the country if I was humiliated in this way.

VPP – Really!  That’s what you’re worried about?

PT – Of course, my oath of office is a sacred duty.  Surely you understand this.

VPP – Ahhh.  Okay sure.  Look Mr. President, my advice doesn’t seem to be working for you.

PT – That’s true Mike.  So far, you’re batting zero.  But you’re very holy and I think you can pull something out of the air for me.  What do you know about holy forgiveness stuff.

VPP – Well, I remember from theology class that in the Middle Ages Holy Roman Emperor Henry IV knelt in the snow for three days to get forgiveness from Pope Gregory VII.

PT – Did it work.

VPP – Yes, it did.

PT – But Melania’s not the Pope.  She’s a million times hotter looking than the Pope.  And that’s not a homophobic thing either, it’s just obvious.  So, I don’t think the snow thing is the right angle.  But I can work with this.  That’s it.  I’ll do an Emperor Henry a la Trump.

VPP – I’m sort of afraid to ask how that would look.

PT – Don’t worry.  I’ve got this whole thing scoped out.  What I need you to do is get the Secret Service to locate these individuals and bring them to Las Vegas.

VPP – Wouldn’t that be kidnapping.

PT – Nonsense they’re all patriotic Americans and will do anything they can to save the country from crippling depression.

VPP – Actually I think these two are Britons.

PT – Close enough.

 

Scene 2 – Same Day 8pm PDT – Las Vegas, Nevada – Main concert hall of the Trump Casino. The stage is filled with television camera equipment and set up as a bad imitation of the old Jay Leno Tonight Show stage.  Sitting in his usual position is Jay Leno (noticeably dressed for auto maintenance) and opposite him on the couch is President Trump in a late 1970s powder blue disco outfit with platform heels and a very large orange afro wig.

JL – And we’re back?  Mr. President, I seem to have been kidnapped by the Secret Service.  Could you please fill me in on why exactly that is?

PT – Jay, that is completely fake news.  You have been enlisted in a very important cause.  We live in a very polarized country and only you Jay Leno have the moral authority necessary to broker an honest deal for me.

JL – Well that’s extremely flattering Mr. President but I’m just a comedian.  I wouldn’t know how to bring the American and North Korean peoples together on the road to peace.  That’s for ambassadors and statesmen.

PT – What are you talking about?  I need you to help me apologize to Mrs. Trump for the porn sex thing.

JL – Oh, sure, sure.  I’ve been in Hollywood and Las Vegas for decades.  That stuff is old hat.

PT – Don’t fool yourself Jay.  At heart Melania is an old-fashioned girl.  She’s gonna need something special to be won back.  I’m pulling out all the stops and I’ll need you on your A-Game.

JL – You can depend on me Mr. President.  True love is the greatest force in the world, I think.  Either that or nitro afterburners.  They’re powerful too.

PT – Focus Jay.  I’m about to perform a miracle not seen since the 11th century, an Emperor Henry.  Just read the cue cards I’ve provided and I’ll do the rest.

JL – And welcome back to this special broadcast of the Jay Leno show coming live to you from beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada.  Apparently, I’m your host tonight Jay Leno and we’ll be talking to President Trump about some pretty important but personal matters.

PT – That’s right Jay.  I, your President, am able to handle any number of impossible tasks flawlessly and simultaneously all while battling the fake news networks and the treasonous actions of the Deep State and the evil Democrats.  But even a man as amazing and wonderful as me sometimes makes a small error.  Now I won’t go into details because they are only important to one person, the First Lady, but because I need this message to reach her wherever she is I’ve activated the Emergency Broadcast Service to pre-empt all other television and reach out to her.

JL – That’s truly frightening Mr. President.

PT – Shut up Jay and read your cards.

JL – Sorry.  So, Mr. President, is there any significance to your outfit?

PT – Yes Jay.  This outfit represents the garb we wore back in 1977.  That is the time when the top song in the country was “Baby Come Back” by Player.  And I’ve assembled the surviving band members and reunited them here to play their classic hit for Mrs. Trump.  And I know once she hears the lyrics and sees my Emperor Henry she’ll realize how important for the country her forgiveness is.

JL – You know, that almost makes sense.

PT – Shut up Jay and introduce the band.

JL – Sorry.  And now coming to you direct from a triumphal comeback tour of Princess Cruise Lines Caribbean Delight Program, here they are “Player.”

(several fairly geriatric musicians begin to play a subdued version of Baby Come Back while President Trump adds his own stylings and some disco moves).

Spending all my nights

All my money going out on the town

 

PT – And that’s a lot of money all right.

 

Doing anything just to get you off of my mind

But when the morning comes

I’m right back where I started again

Trying to forget you is just a waste of time

 

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see

There was something in everything about you

Baby come back, you can blame it all on me

 

PT – That’s right Schmoopey, you can blame it all on me.  I’m strong and can take it.

 

I was wrong, and I just can’t live without you

All day long, wearing a mask of false bravado

Trying to keep up the smile that hides a tear

But as the sun goes down

I get that empty feeling again

How I wish to God that you were here

 

PT – That’s right God wants us back together and he knows best.

 

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see

There was something in everything about you

Baby come back, you can blame it all on me

I was wrong, and I just can’t live without you

Now that I put it all together

Give me the chance to make you see

Have you used up all the love in your heart

Nothing left for me

Ain’t there nothing left for me

 

PT – Very, very little left for me.

 

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see

There was something in everything about you

Baby come back, listen, you can blame it all on me

I was wrong, and I just can’t live without you

I was wrong, and I just can’t live

 

PT – Wrong, very wrong, just can’t live without you Schmoopey.

 

(President Trump returns to the couch as the song ends)

JL – Well I’ll have to say Mr. President, I’ve never seen or heard anything like that in my life.

PT – Yes Jay, love conquers all.

(the phone rings and the First Lady’s voice is heard over a speaker).

MT – Schmoopey, I saw your song and dance.  I know it was from your heart.  Nothing else could explain it.  I feel my love returning.

PT – Schmoopey, I am so happy.  Is all forgiven?

MT – It will be when you send me the Hope Diamond and a picture of the ‘ho with two black eyes.

PT – Done and done.  I’ll have my jeweler and the Secret Service get to work on both those items within the hour.

(the phone call and the television broadcast both finish)

JL – Well Mr. President, that was actually quite impressive.  I guess there isn’t anything that the power of the US government can’t do.

PT – Not really.  I was originally trying to get Elton John to sing “Sorry Seems to Be the Saddest Word,” but he refused.  He was still mad about a crack I made about his hair.

JL – You made a joke about his hair?

PT – Shut up Jay.

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 2)

Trump vs the Hell Storm (Part 1)

 

Dramatis Personae:  President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP);

Scene 1: Trump Tower, Executive Suite.  Monday 1pm.  President Trump and Vice President Pence face to face around a small round office table.  The table is littered with coffee cups and crumpled legal paper.

PT – Also no good?  Alright, how about this one?  Ten years ago, Putin knew that I was destined to be President.  So, in order to destroy me he drugged me with Spanish fly and brainwashed me into sleeping with Stormy Daniels.  It makes sense, right?  It’s some form of Russian collusion and in a way my brain which is like a computer was hacked by Putin.

VPP – Stop!  Enough!  I’m sorry Mr. President but that’s enough.  I can’t listen to even one more of these insane lies.  I know you’re desperate but there isn’t one chance in a trillion that anyone, and I mean anyone would believe any of those stories.

PT – But then what can I do?

VPP – I know it’s a little late in the game but have you thought of the truth and an apology?

PT – Mike, that’s a brilliant idea.  Why didn’t I think of that?  Anyway, I’m going home right now and put your brilliant strategy into effect.  Who knows?  If this goes well I might even start telling the truth to Congress.

VPP – Mr. President, please take some time before you speak to her and try to understand her feelings about what you will be telling her.  This will be a devastating conversation and you must be sensitive to her emotions and let her sense your sadness and contrition.

PT- Look Mike you came up with a good idea but don’t get all Dr. Phil on me.  I think I know a thing or two about the ladies if you know what I mean.  I’ll pour on the Trump charm and prove just how large my hands really are if you catch my drift.  See ya Mike.  (exits the room.)

VPP – Great Caesar’s Ghost.  She’s going to murder him.

 

Scene 2 – Tuesday morning 3am outside the Vice Presidential Residence.  Two men supporting a third man between them.  The third man shakily ringing the doorbell.

VPP – (voice speaking over the intercom)  Is that you Mr. President?

PT – Help me Mike.  Please help me.

VPP – I’m buzzing you in. (the lock buzzes open).

 

Scene 3 – The Vice-Presidential Parlor.  President Trump is slumped back on a chaise longue.  He has several small bandages over cuts on his face, a noticeable black eye and a bag of ice sitting on his groin.  The Secret Service agents appear embarrassed and Vice President Pence is standing nervously fiddling with his robe belt looking down on the President.

PT – You set me up Mike.  I went into the lion’s den like some kind of roman martyr.  I told her the truth and told her Stormy was over-rated as far as the sex went and that I’d make it up to her in the sack and that she didn’t look bad at all for her age.

VPP – Oh good grief.

PT – You have no idea.  She went for the family jewels again so I curled up in a fetal position like they tell you to do with bears.  But she was ready for that.  She worked the face and and kidneys.  She must have studied MMA or jiu-jitsu at some point.  It took six Secret Service agents to get me out of there alive and two of them are at Walter Reed.  One of them probably isn’t going to pull through.

VPP – Mr. President, I’m sure you’re exaggerating.

PT – Have you ever known me to exaggerate?

VPP – Never mind.  How would you like me to help you?

PT – Well after that lousy advice I need you to redeem yourself and come up with an idea to fix this mess you’ve gotten me into.

VPP – (some strangled muffled sounds come from the Vice President’s throat and then there is quiet).  Certainly Mr. President.  I’ll attempt to provide you with better advice.  Is there anything else I can do for you this morning?

PT – Yeah Mike.  Can you get Mrs. Pence to make us some more eggs?  This experience has been extremely taxing.

(more strangled sounds come from Pence and he leaves).

PT – He’s a great guy when he’s on his game.  Alright guys help me into the dining room.

Trump vs The FBI

Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT), Vice President Pence (VPP), First Lady Melania Trump (MT), Karen Pence (KP), TV Announcer who sounds like Don Pardo (TVAWSLDP)

 

Scene 1 – White House Oval Office; Tuesday, 4pm;

 

PT – Mike.  Mike!  PENCE!!!!  Where the hell are you Mike?

(Mike Pence rushes through door.)

VPP – Mr. President, for Pete’s sake!  I was just on the phone with Robert Mueller.  Alright, what can I do for you?

PT – Hey, take it down a notch Mike.  Remember you work for me.

VPP – Actually Mr. President, like you, I was elected by and work directly for the American people.  You can’t fire me.

PT – Hmmm, I’ll look into that.  Anyway, I was calling you to find out how that conversation with Mueller went.

VPP – Actually, it went very well.  He hasn’t got me on his list of interviewees.

PT – Well, aren’t you special Mike!  But don’t get any ideas about succession plans.  I’m going to be here and if you want to be part of the second term you’ll keep your nose clean and help me get some work done.

VPP – Naturally Mr. President.

PT – So what did he want?  I mean beside buttering you up.

VPP – He was cross-checking some statements that James Comey made against what was reported in the Congressional Committee report last week.

PT – Good.  I hope that dope Mueller finally gets off the dime and jails these criminals in the FBI and Justice Department that were spying on me.

VPP – Well, Mr. President, it’s not as easy as you make it sound.  Investigator Mueller will need to document criminal behavior and then obtain a Grand Jury indictment before a trial is possible.

PT – Oh wake up.  All he has to do is get these losers into that interrogation room.  You know the one.  The one with the old table and chairs.  The one where Sipowicz always roughed them up to get a confession back on NYPD Blue.  I always remember how he would close the blinds and take off his gun and badge and then beat them up for a while before they cracked.  Boy, that guy knew his stuff.

VPP – Oh, for the love of Mike!  Mr. President, that’s a TV cop show.  Investigator Mueller is not going to rough up James Comey to coerce a confession.  And even if he did, it’s illegal and the evidence would be thrown out of court and Mueller would be indicted for doing it.

PT – You know Mike, you’re making it very difficult for me to imagine you as President.  You don’t seem to want to win.

VPP – Mr. President, focus!  We are going to have to coordinate many facets of the Russian investigation and the FBI investigation in a measured way to avoid the type of media coverage that damages our ability to control the message.  You can’t expect us to indulge in banana-republic or fictional law enforcement tactics.  We must be sober and above reproach.

PT – Fine. Do it your way.  But I’m starting to think this whole thing is going nowhere.  I mean, why even bother to have a witch hunt if you don’t get to burn some witches?

VPP – But, oh never mind.  Mr. President, I’ve got to go.

PT – Whatever.

(Mike Pence leaves the scene.  President Trump sits down at the Oval Office desk and starts to type something on his computer.  Melania Trump enters the room.)

MT – Schmoopy, what did you say to Mike.  He is so sad.  I thought he would have cried!

PT – Me Schmoopy? Why I was just discussing the Justice Department business.  I thought he was very happy.  I didn’t say anything.  He must just be nervous or something.  You know how nervous people from the mid-west are. Very, very nervous.

MT – I think you yelled at him like you did to that poor Crying Chuck and made him cry.  That was very sad.  And he told that sad story about the crying statue and it was very sad.  You should not make ladies cry not even lady statues.  It is too sad.

PT – But wait, no, that wasn’t true.  Lyin’ Chuck was crying, I mean Cryin’ Chuck was lying.  Statues don’t cry.

MT – Yes, they do.  In my village there was a statue of the Virgin Mary that cried many times.

PT – Yes, but that was a miracle.  Cryin’ Chuck isn’t a saint.  He’s a Democrat which makes him an atheist.  You shouldn’t believe him.

MT – Well, okay Schmoopy, but I think you made Mike sad.  You must fix this right away.  Mike is a good friend and we need him to help you from not going the kooky.

PT – But I don’t go the kooky, I mean go kooky.  Schmoopy you have to leave these important government matters to me.  I am a very stable genius you know.

MT – Please Schmoopy, say you are sorry to Mike and bring him to Arby’s for some good roast beef.  Please, please!

PT – Maybe you’re right Schmoopy, I’ll talk to him.  He is a good friend.

 

Scene 2 The Vice-Presidential Residence.  Tuesday 8pm

(VP Pence sitting in his living room watching Wheel of Fortune while eating a tv dinner, his wife Karen is bringing in a can of beer.)

KP – Here’s your PBR dear.

VPP – Thanks hon.  You wouldn’t believe what that maniac said today.

KP – Oh Mike, let’s not talk about work tonight.  It’ll only upset you.

VPP – Alright, but I tell you, sometimes I feel like telling him what I really think.

(suddenly an announcer, who sounds a lot like the late Don Pardo, breaks into the broadcast)

TVAWSLDP – We interrupt this boring game show to bring you a message from the President of the United States.

PT – My fellow Americans I come to bring you important information.  Yes, I know you want continue drugging yourself into imbecility but drop the bong and try to concentrate.  Earlier today I was talking to Vice President Pence.

VPP – Oh great Scott.

PT – I told him I wanted to get Jim Comey in one of those interrogation rooms with the old table and chairs.  You know the ones I mean.  And I wanted to Sipowicz him.  That’s modern cop-talk for slappin’ him around.  But that was wrong.  Comey was a cop himself. He wouldn’t have been fooled into confessing.  Vice President Pence knew this and said so.  But it ticked me off.  And I said some not so nice things to him.  The First Lady let me know I was wrong and so I thought about what I should do.  What I did was go on Twitter and offer a fifty-million-dollar reward to anyone who could confirm that Jim Comey was lying about all the Russian stuff and blabbing to the newspapers about all that stuff.  Well, as luck would have it three different FBI agents provided video tape of Comey committing all kinds of offenses.  It was sort of an America’s Funniest Home Videos of Treason.  So now Investigator Mueller has agreed to prosecute Comey and then close his investigation before I find something on him.  Boy, it’s great to be rich.

But all that is beside the point.  The main thing is I was mean to a friend.  Mike Pence is a good guy.  He isn’t crooked like Hillary or a liar like Ted or a crybaby like Chuck.  He’s a good guy who comes to work on time with a clean shirt and combed hair. That hair may be a little short and white but it’s definitely neat.  He’s always polite to people and he doesn’t try to stab you in the back.  He’s a little too nice for the killer stuff but that’s why I have Mad Dog.  So Mike I’m sorry.  Now stop sulking like a little girl and come back to work.  We can even go to Arby’s tomorrow, my treat.  Trump out.

KP – Oh, wasn’t that nice.  He said he was sorry.  I’ll have to thank Melania for telling him to do that.

VPP – Karen, better put the beer back in the fridge.  I’m going to need the Jack Daniels instead, no water.

KP – Yes dear.

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 2

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 1  Note: this is a link to the first installment of this story.

 

Dramatis Personae:

President Trump (PT)

Sargeant at Arms (SAA)

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (PR)

Toffee Bredwell – An upper class British journalist from the BBC (TB)

Newt Gingrich (NG)

Melania Trump (MT)

 

Scene 1: US Capitol Building, 8:45 pm, directly before the State of the Union Address

 

TB – Good evening everyone and welcome to the BBC coverage of the American Presidential State of the Union Address.  I’m your reporter Toffee Bredwell and with me here is former Speaker of the American House of Representatives, the Honorable Newton Gingrich.  Welcome Mr. Speaker or may I call you Newt?

NG – Certainly Toffee, all my friends call me Newt.

TB – Thanks.  Now as a former Speaker of the House you are intimately familiar with the protocol, let’s call it the nuts and bolts of this event.  Can you share a little insight with our listeners about how this evening will progress?

NG – Well, normally the members of the administration and the Supreme Court will be announced by the Deputy Sergeant at Arms and when The President arrives at the Chamber door the Sergeant at Arms announces him to the Speaker.  This is followed by a long walk filled with cheers and handshaking and embraces and when the President reaches the Rostrum the Speaker announces him to the Congress and after another lengthy round of applause the President begins his address.  And during the address depending on the particular subject and the party of each of the attendees there could be applause, stony silence or recently even some booing.  In fact, during one of then President Obama’s addresses, a Congressman shouted out “You lie!”

TB – Oh dear, how embarrassing.  Do you expect we’ll experience any such breaches of civility tonight?

NG – Well Toffee, unless I miss my guess, I think we might see something a little more exciting tonight.  Let’s just hope there won’t be any fisticuffs.

TB – Quite.  So, I can see that the Sergeant at Arms is positioning himself so let’s shift over to the floor microphone.

SAA – Mister Speaker, the President of the United States!

TB – Well Mr. Speaker, you weren’t exaggerating.  What a terrific up swelling of applause and ovation for this President.  These congresspersons certainly love this President.

NG – Oh, far from it, Toffee.  Most of these people despise Donald Trump but he’s just initiated a gigantic uptick in economic growth.  Something that hasn’t been seen since Ronald Reagan.  As long as he’s the stronger horse they’ll applaud.  If things turn sour the knives will quickly come out.

TB – Ah, it’s good to see politics are the same everywhere.  Well, it looks like Speaker Ryan is about to introduce the President to Congress.  Let’s go to the Rostrum microphone and we’ll return after the address to review the high points.

PR – Members of Congress, I have the high privilege and distinct honor of presenting to you the President of the United States.

(Long and loud applause.)

PT – Thank you Mr. Speaker.  Thank you, Paul.  It feels strange to be thanking you Paul.  Up until the tax overhaul bill I was ready to write you off as a total loss.  I was going to have you primaried by some kind of radical and who knows maybe you wouldn’t have made it.  But now I’m almost fond of you.  You’re still a spineless weasel but you’re my spineless weasel, so you’ve got that going for you which is nice.  And Mitch McConnell, what can I say?  You’re like some kind of petrified fossil that exists outside of the world we live in.  It doesn’t seem possible that anything as weird as you could still exist but you do.  If we could replace you with an animatronic character like a talking walrus or porcupine I believe it would increase our popularity with the voters but anyway I can’t be too mad at you either because of the tax bill.

Now, you Democrats are a different story.  You all are without a doubt the lowest form of pond scum to ever successfully masquerade as human beings.  Every time I think you’ve hit the ethical bottom you somehow dig a little deeper and go even lower.  Let’s take for instance Dick Durbin.  His lying double-crossing behavior at the DACA meeting has convinced me that if I saw Dick Durbin and a Great White Shark in the waters off of Mar a Lago I’d immediately warn … the shark!  And don’t get me started on Pelosi and Schumer.  The way people are leaving California and New York, pretty soon their own votes will be sufficient to guarantee their re-elections.  That’s right Cryin’ Chuck, the Statue of Liberty is crying over your lousy party’s inept governing of both the City and State of New York.

But it’s not all bad, I want to congratulate Al Franken for striking out for women’s rights.  He harassed enough women to ensure that a woman would replace him.  Quite a tribute.  And I’d also like to congratulate Maxine Waters for being so crazy that she now makes Rosie O’Donnell seem sane in comparison.  When Maxine said she wasn’t a Millennial but used to be I think she meant that she was born in 1000 AD.  That would explain her looks and the fact that she mostly speaks gibberish.  Back then English really hadn’t been invented yet so everyone sounded like she does.  And I know I shouldn’t make fun of a woman’s looks but honestly Maxine is so ugly she makes Pelosi and Hillary look decent by comparison.

And I’d like to thank the press for being so dishonest.  By lying at every turn you’ve made my job so much easier.  At this point I can almost guarantee that anything I say will be disputed by you folks in such ridiculous terms that even the least intelligent person will be able to tell you’re lying.  You’ve become an exaggerated parody of yourselves.  Well done and congratulations for ensuring the long tem demise of your own jobs.

And I’d like to thank all those federal judges both at the Circuit and Supreme Court level who keep usurping the constitutional power of elected officials.  You only make it easier for me to get the electorate to understand why I need to replace as many of you as I possibly can.

I’m going to take a short break while the Secret Service frog marches the Secret Society of Comey, McCabe, Strozk and Mueller down the center aisle on their way to the hoosegow but before I do I’d just like to give a shout out to one of our guests in the gallery.  I’d like to  welcome Miss Stormy Daniels coming and for confirming that I have not had sex with her.  But if I had she knows it would be the best sex she’s ever had and that my hands are ample and highly capable.

MT – Kurba!

PT – And Melania welcomes you too.  Trump out.

(Returning to the BBC broadcast location)

NG – Hello and welcome back BBC listeners.  This is former Speaker Newt Gingrich again.  Unfortunately, Toffie Bredwell has passed out.  Apparently kurba is Slovenian for whore and that was just too much for Toffie.  Stay tuned and I’m sure he’ll revive before the President continues on with the substantive portion of his speech.  But first a word from our sponsor.

 

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 3